Really need an outside perspective please.

[AmberExpert]

First time poster, long-time lurker. Really need some impartial advice as I've no one I can speak too IRL. it's going to be a long one, so you might need a coffee and some biscuits....

Me and my OH are in our early 50s, not married. He's very friendly, outgoing and would do anything for anyone. There's a lady who lives near us who is a similar age to us, widowed three or four years ago. Recently she's started to regularly ask my OH to do jobs for her, putting pictures up, odd jobs around the house, doing gardening, walking her dog, the list goes on. It feels a bit like she says jump and he says how high.... She texts him regularly and will also send other non related texts such as photos of places she's at or events that she's attending or just general how are you texts. She sent a text last weekend saying 'Happy friday' with a picture of a walk she was on. He has recently been admitted to hospital for a few days and she has been texting to see how he is, sending him get well wishes etc. I saw her briefly during this time and was suprised at her level of concern for him.

When he's doing these jobs they always end in a coffee and a chat and he can be there a while. She is fit and active for her age, and I suspect she can do some of these jobs herself. She sometimes offers to pay him but not very often and will sometimes give him a bottle of wine. One of our neighbours commented recently that it's a good job I'm not a jealous person as he spends such a lot of time at her house!

I know her reasonably well, we've got each others mobile number, but she never texts me about anything, its always my OH. He will sometimes ask me to join him when he goes round, sometimes I go, but not often. I don't feel particularly comfortable around her, I'm not sure why, it's unusual for me to be like this.

I have voiced my concerns that she is becoming more 'needy' for want of a better word, and I feel uncomfortable about the amount of time he spends around there, as this is increasing to 3 or 4 times a week. He has told me that he doesn't fancy he's happy to help her, she's a good friend and neighbour and that I'm being paranoid.

Sometimes we can have a rational conversation about this, other times he blows up at me and can get very angry at me and accuses me of not trusting him. I do trust him, but I find the texting and requests for help excessive.

I'm not sure what to think if I'm honest, my gut feeling is that there is something off, I think she likes to have him doing all this for her, she says things like I'm lucky to have a man who can. And if I'm honest I think my OH likes the attention from her.

I've asked if he'll perhaps back off a bit, but he says he's not doing anything wrong and he'll continue to help her. I feel a bit like he's not really considering my feelings, but then I think am I being unreasonable, he's only helping a neighbour?

Please could you give me your honest opinions and if I just need to accept its a friendship and I've nothing to worry about.

thank you if you got this far, sorry its so long.

You've hit the nail on the head, I feel all of these things. I've spoken to a an old uni friend and I'm going to stay with her for a bit to get some perspective. I've told OH I'm going and he's said I need to do what makes me happy. Him listening to me would make me happy. Bag packed and I'm going to give myself some space. Feels a bit of a knee jerk reaction and very sudden, but hopefully I'll be ok.

I agree with this. Why is he so happy to be her lapdog and jump every time she says she needs a job doing! What sort of person needs someone else’s husband round at her house up to 4 times a week to do little jobs! Why is he happy to spend so much time at her house? Yet he thinks it’s ok to dismiss his own wife’s feelings and blows up at her and accuses her of not trusting him! He is gaslighting you op. And whilst there may or may not be something going on at the moment, I cannot understand why a woman would be so keen to have a married man keep coming to her house 4 times a week and making excuses that she needs all these jobs doing. And I cannot understand why a married man would be so happy to jump at the chance to go to another woman’s house and be her lapdog!

Absolutely this.

He told you, you need to do what makes you happy? Well he certainly is isn't he?!

Am glad you are giving yourself some space and time to think and it’s so good to have a friend like that.

I'm raging on your behalf. This man doesn't love you. Please put yourself first.

Glad you’re taking some space OP.

Can’t help but feel it’s telling he is not begging you to stay x

I was with someone like him for 15 years. He was cheating while telling me I was not right in the head, insecure, paranoid, needy, etc i ended up attempting to take my own life. Please don't be me x

Thank you again for all your messages, I really appreciate them all.
I’ve had some text contact with OH tonight and when I asked what he’d been doing he said he’d popped round to walk the neighbours dog. He’s always wanted a dog, but our circumstances have prevented this, and I know he enjoys taking her dog a walk.
I was instantly anxious, and my tone changed and he said he still didn’t think she’d done anything wrong. I mean there’s not much else to say really is there?

Bastard

Sorry that should say he doesn’t think he’s done anything wrong by going round to walk the dog x

The only thing I’d say is “Your relationship with this woman makes me uncomfortable. My feelings either matter more than your relationship with her, or they do not.”

I'm sure there are lots of other dogs nearby he could walk. It's just he chooses hers....

OP does the sound like he gets your POV At All, does it.

No he definitely doesn’t at all. He lays the issue firmly at my feet insisting he’s not doing anything wrong, so the problem is all mine.

@AmberExpert
just reading your updates, and so glad you are getting away for some space.

I chimed in again to say your judgement has been undermined because it’s looking like your DH has been gaslighting you for many years, telling you you’re crazy, overreacting, etc.

If he has also been isolating you in any way whereby you’ve lost contact with friends, or you live somewhere where you don’t have a strong social circle or he’s denigrated your friends and family to the point where you don’t see them a lot, then you won’t have those essential other sounding boards to validate you and back up your own concerns. Hopefully you’ve found it on here.

Take strength in the fact that you DO actually know something is off, you ARE right in that his behavior is out of order, your gut has been signaling to you “hang on this is making us feel shit, something is off here” and you’ve jumped on here and hundreds of people have validated you.

Our gut is there to alert us when boundaries have been crossed and it shows up as that niggling feeling, which is very powerful if we listen to it and use it as our compass. If you can lean into your own power and start to revalidate yourself, that’s where your strength is.

You can do this!

This would be far far too much for me, not really the man woman thing but just giving up so much time for someone else for free.
But he isn't gonna change. He wants to be this person who helps. He wants to be free to be someone going round peoples houses as much as he wants.
Options are either to warn her off, or let him get on with it and you split.
I'd go with the latter as he is showing a negative side of himself that will spill into other areas ie not giving a fuck how you feel.

Thank you so much for coming back, I appreciate the advice and support. Logically I know this is true and my judgement has been undermined. I feel like I’ve gone from being a confident woman to a shell of myself.

We moved about 5 years ago to the south coast, away from a lot of my friends, so I have felt very isolated, and although have made friends, not deep enough connections for me to be vulnerable and the share how I’m feeling. Also OH is so well liked in our village no one would believe how he is with me.

I am trying to stop the thoughts of it’s me, I’ve made it out to be more than it is, he’s told me there’s nothing going on and he’s not attracted to her, I’ve maximised the issues etc etc. It’s a real heart v head situation. My head says this isn’t right I need to leave, along with all the helpful posts on here, but my heart feels like it’s broken in two.

@AmberExpert I really feel for you, you've gone from thinking it was your fault and you were overreacting to realising that you live with a gaslighter and your relationship is (almost certainly) over in 48 hours.

Please take care of yourself. You need to both act to protect yourself and your interests and resources, but also to process your change in perspective.
Are you also talking to the friend you're staying with? RL support and talk is so helpful.
Wishing you well.

I know it seems to have happened so fast. Although if I’m honest I have been thinking things haven’t been right for a while. Yes talking to my friend has been really helpful, and she’s very much echoed what has been said here.

Other people might think he's great, but you know your female neighbours will be noticing that he's always at the other woman's house and won't think he's so great.

I think it's better if the house is sold and you move well away from him and back to where your friends are.

It's not you. Remember that.

You've explained he you feel to him. He's being bang out of order. He knows he is hence his enthusiastic (aggressive?) rebuttals of your concerns. Making out it's you that's the problem.

You're also quite isolated away from your friends and original support network.

Who instigated that move away from them, just out of interest?

I think you would really benefit from moving back to where you feel loved, secure and understood. And free!

Your partner will get a rude shock too but that's an irrelevant benefit.

I have told him many times how I feel, maybe not always in a calm way, I've done lots of shouting too. But now I'm thinking was I clear enough, did I articulate myself clearly, and although I think I did I'm doubting myself.

He was the one who wanted to make the move, his parents are both dead and he's no kids so it was an easy move for him. He's the type of bloke who'd land anywhere, fit in and make friends.

She's probably had that conversation many times. He is openly defying her.

Op yes you have been validated here but make no mistake he will be ready with a smear campaign if you try to garner support in your community. This is what has been occuring since the beggining, controlling those arround you, if you try to fight back he will beat you down.

I really think this man has some narcissistic qualities and your safest place would be well away from him, the only way for him to not destroy you would be if you accept his way of life. He will get worse of course and his mask will keep slipping, he knows you are onto him, he knows he is hurting you and that he he is being cruel and he doesn't care, he is devaluing you.
His new female friend will not care she is high on his attention.

Your world must be that of total confusion at the moment.
Nothing makes sense, you thought he loved you.

He loves no one but himself, would be my bet.

He was the one who wanted to make the move, his parents are both dead and he's no kids so it was an easy move for him. He's the type of bloke who'd land anywhere, fit in and make friends.

That's interesting. So you're the one isolated from your support network now. Left doubting yourself at the mercy of his headfuckery.

I doubt he would have been able to make you doubt yourself had you been surrounded by your friends and family.

Is it too much of a leap to suggest he knew exactly what he was doing, instigating this move?

I think you were beyond clear enough and he knows exactly why what he’s doing is wrong.

But I did find in the past that having a concise statement that focused on my own feelings was helpful to me. Boils down the entire issue into the simple fact. No one wants a partner that puts another person above their own happiness.