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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Really need an outside perspective please.

459 replies

AmberExpert · 04/05/2024 05:56

First time poster, long-time lurker. Really need some impartial advice as I've no one I can speak too IRL. it's going to be a long one, so you might need a coffee and some biscuits....

Me and my OH are in our early 50s, not married. He's very friendly, outgoing and would do anything for anyone. There's a lady who lives near us who is a similar age to us, widowed three or four years ago. Recently she's started to regularly ask my OH to do jobs for her, putting pictures up, odd jobs around the house, doing gardening, walking her dog, the list goes on. It feels a bit like she says jump and he says how high.... She texts him regularly and will also send other non related texts such as photos of places she's at or events that she's attending or just general how are you texts. She sent a text last weekend saying 'Happy friday' with a picture of a walk she was on. He has recently been admitted to hospital for a few days and she has been texting to see how he is, sending him get well wishes etc. I saw her briefly during this time and was suprised at her level of concern for him.

When he's doing these jobs they always end in a coffee and a chat and he can be there a while. She is fit and active for her age, and I suspect she can do some of these jobs herself. She sometimes offers to pay him but not very often and will sometimes give him a bottle of wine. One of our neighbours commented recently that it's a good job I'm not a jealous person as he spends such a lot of time at her house!

I know her reasonably well, we've got each others mobile number, but she never texts me about anything, its always my OH. He will sometimes ask me to join him when he goes round, sometimes I go, but not often. I don't feel particularly comfortable around her, I'm not sure why, it's unusual for me to be like this.

I have voiced my concerns that she is becoming more 'needy' for want of a better word, and I feel uncomfortable about the amount of time he spends around there, as this is increasing to 3 or 4 times a week. He has told me that he doesn't fancy he's happy to help her, she's a good friend and neighbour and that I'm being paranoid.

Sometimes we can have a rational conversation about this, other times he blows up at me and can get very angry at me and accuses me of not trusting him. I do trust him, but I find the texting and requests for help excessive.

I'm not sure what to think if I'm honest, my gut feeling is that there is something off, I think she likes to have him doing all this for her, she says things like I'm lucky to have a man who can. And if I'm honest I think my OH likes the attention from her.

I've asked if he'll perhaps back off a bit, but he says he's not doing anything wrong and he'll continue to help her. I feel a bit like he's not really considering my feelings, but then I think am I being unreasonable, he's only helping a neighbour?

Please could you give me your honest opinions and if I just need to accept its a friendship and I've nothing to worry about.

thank you if you got this far, sorry its so long.

OP posts:
Original poster
AmberExpert · 05/05/2024 05:08

Tillybud81 · 04/05/2024 21:27

I feel so bad for you op, he's making an absolute fool of you and your marriage.

Regardless of what may or may not be going on with the neighbour he's completely disregarding your feelings and getting angry at you for having them. He's a narc, outwardly the white Knight, but to those closest a complete tosser. Also making you out to be crazy for being upset about it....hell no!!

He won't change, I'd be getting ducks lined up and kicking him to the kerb (or the neighbours). Get angry OP, I'm angry for you

I feel a complete fool, I really do. He has definitely been guilty of discarding my feelings, when I tell him his visits make me feel anxious and upset he’s not once tried to understand how I feel, but instead said I don’t trust him and I’ve got the problem.

I have started to read up on narc behaviour and a lack of empathy seems to be a big part of this. He has very little or no empathy for anyone at all, not even me.

OP posts:
Original poster
AmberExpert · 05/05/2024 05:13

ShutupStreet · 04/05/2024 21:22

You are not crazy or mad AmberE, keep that thought with you. You are reasonable but this man will try to alter your reality.

We know exactly what you are going through, you must be exhausted, so you must look after yourself, do not be rushed into action, try to gather your strength, your decisions are yours.

It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks but protect yourself as best you can and if you need advice ask.

Here for you Flowers

Thank you so much, I’ve certainly been made to feel crazy.
I feel absolutely exhausted and worn down by it all, I feel empty.
I have felt powerless and that he holds all the power and control.
You are so right, I need to protect myself.

OP posts:
grinandslothit · 05/05/2024 05:36

Don't know if you've read the book called. Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft, but it might be helpful. It's a free pdf download if you just Google the title.

SOxon · 05/05/2024 05:45

Amber, he isn’t worth it, the anxiety, uncomfortable physical responses,
fight or flight adrenaline, the worry, hurt, rows, despair - this man is disrespectful.
Respect is the bottom line.

This is a three legged stool situation. The stool stNds firm on three legs - remove one and the stool falls over. It can be fixed, the leg can be glued back in, but it will always be a little wobbly, its use untrustworthy, its function now compromised.

SOxon · 05/05/2024 05:48

The gentle advice compassion, solace offered here is MN at its finest

Sceptical123 · 05/05/2024 06:49

SleepPrettyDarling · 04/05/2024 23:28

@AmberExpert i used to have a DH who loved to be the hero, leaving me behind. Remarkably, the heroics were always directed towards single women, usually junior colleagues.

I remember racing home from work one extremely busy Friday as we were going to a black tie dinner, and he had already left so he could be there so ‘single M wouldn’t have to arrive on her own.’ (Obviously, I arrived on my own.)

His behaviour was always to be there for other people. One wedding we went to, he ignored me all night to buy drinks and dance with all the single ladies, to the extent that an older single aunt asked if I’d like to sit at her table.

Years later when we had children, the white knight couldn’t get home before bedtime four nights a week.

Eventually, I booked marriage counselling, and told him either he come with me or I’d go on my own. Of course, he was furious at my unreasonableness. Ultimately, the saviour in him had found someone who absolutely basked in his halo, and by that point, our relationship was doomed.

Took me years to get over the abandonment, and he is now engaged to a besotted woman who is thrilled to be his chosen one.

The only control I had was to force the counselling, after which I could say I had done all I could on a unwinnable situation. It certainly leaves a sour taste in the mouth to feel disenfranchised by someone who loves so much to feel important that he will abandon the person he has married. You just have to create a make-or-break scenario (in my case, counselling), and stick to your principles. In my case, he said he chose to stay, but his actions were to go, so as soon as I had proof, that was the end.

with the benefit of hindsight, was insisting on counselling a fool’s errand? Yes, as it transpired, and arguable I dragged out my own horror, but I can hold my head up and say I communicated clearly, I created a safe space for dialogue, I gave every chance, and I did nothing wrong. But I tried, and I lost, and I figured out my next steps.

Knowing where your line in the sand is, and being faithful to yourself, is the best advice I can give you 💐

He clearly didn’t deserve you and I hope is going to do to the next one what he did to you.

I also hope you’re in a much happier place now you’re shot of him 💐

BlastedPimples · 05/05/2024 07:00

@AmberExpert you're not powerless.

You only feel that way because you care about him, what happens to your relationship and worry about the future.

But you absolutely can take charge again and insist that this is unacceptable behaviour. Even if that means the end of your relationship. Luckily that would mean the preservation of your sanity, your boundaries and self respect.

I hope you find a resolution really soon. You definitely deserve better.

Usernamechange1234 · 05/05/2024 07:15

It does sound like narcissistic triangulation. He’s maintaining control through this game. He’s simply not a safe partner with this KISA behaviour which keeps you on the back foot.

You’re not powerless. You can stop playing.

Start to emotionally distance yourself. Get your ducks in a row. Although not officially an ‘affair’ Google surviving infidelity and their 180 it is a strategy for gaining emotional distance to think and see clearly.

You deserve better that this idiot, put simply he’s not a safe partner for you and you’d be letting yourself down if you stayed.

Original poster
AmberExpert · 05/05/2024 07:37

grinandslothit · 05/05/2024 05:36

Don't know if you've read the book called. Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft, but it might be helpful. It's a free pdf download if you just Google the title.

I’ve not heard of it, but I will go and google it now, thank you.

OP posts:
Original poster
AmberExpert · 05/05/2024 07:38

SOxon · 05/05/2024 05:45

Amber, he isn’t worth it, the anxiety, uncomfortable physical responses,
fight or flight adrenaline, the worry, hurt, rows, despair - this man is disrespectful.
Respect is the bottom line.

This is a three legged stool situation. The stool stNds firm on three legs - remove one and the stool falls over. It can be fixed, the leg can be glued back in, but it will always be a little wobbly, its use untrustworthy, its function now compromised.

That is a really good analogy, things have felt wobbly for a while.

OP posts:
Original poster
AmberExpert · 05/05/2024 07:41

Usernamechange1234 · 05/05/2024 07:15

It does sound like narcissistic triangulation. He’s maintaining control through this game. He’s simply not a safe partner with this KISA behaviour which keeps you on the back foot.

You’re not powerless. You can stop playing.

Start to emotionally distance yourself. Get your ducks in a row. Although not officially an ‘affair’ Google surviving infidelity and their 180 it is a strategy for gaining emotional distance to think and see clearly.

You deserve better that this idiot, put simply he’s not a safe partner for you and you’d be letting yourself down if you stayed.

Edited

Thank you, I had started to look into this behaviour, and can se a link with the triangulation, and ‘new supply’. Interesting reading.

OP posts:
MelodiousMathematics · 05/05/2024 07:46

Op you sound so lovely but your partner has been testing your patience for some time. The situation with the neighbour sounds really dodgy tbh. But I would now tale a different tack and make plans myself to check out of the relationship. Start going out on your own amd meeting/ visiting people and let him know you are going to be putting yourself first. Go and stay with family for a while to get some.space between you. You are definitely being disrespected at the very least.

BabyRaindeer · 05/05/2024 07:58

Hugs sent to you

You shouldn't be living on a knife edge. Get the house valued and then tell him you are not going to put up with his nonsense. He may agree and buckle down to be with you, but I can guarantee you won't be interested in him by then

Luio · 05/05/2024 08:38

I doubt this woman has any interest in your DH but likes having a free handy man. My friend’s mum is like this. She is divorced but has three men who run around doing everything for her. She doesn’t even like them particularly. There is a big difference between helping out a neighbour occasionally and constantly being taken advantage of. It will dent his ego if you tell him that and then he will get angry with you. None of that puts him in a good light but if he does see himself as her saviour, any admiration will fade once he realises he is just her free labourer.

TealSapphire · 05/05/2024 08:44

@SleepPrettyDarling what a prince. Mine left in similar circumstances and now the kids see through him (his own doing) he's dropped them completely for another family who idolises him. He's literally just moved on to become the hero in their story.

Original poster
AmberExpert · 05/05/2024 09:49

SOxon · 05/05/2024 05:48

The gentle advice compassion, solace offered here is MN at its finest

I have appreciated this so much ❤️

OP posts:
Original poster
AmberExpert · 05/05/2024 09:51

MelodiousMathematics · 05/05/2024 07:46

Op you sound so lovely but your partner has been testing your patience for some time. The situation with the neighbour sounds really dodgy tbh. But I would now tale a different tack and make plans myself to check out of the relationship. Start going out on your own amd meeting/ visiting people and let him know you are going to be putting yourself first. Go and stay with family for a while to get some.space between you. You are definitely being disrespected at the very least.

Thank you for your kind words. I don’t feel very lovely, I feel like a fool and that I’m crazy

OP posts:
Original poster
AmberExpert · 05/05/2024 09:59

I keep reading this thread and your replies over and over, it has been hugely helpful.
my main focus has been his friendship with our neighbour, the fact that I felt uncomfortable about it and he did very little to help reassure me or listen to me. Even reading my own comments I keep thinking, it must be me, my fault, why can’t I accept her as a friend and get on with it, but I just can’t.

It has made me look into other aspects of our relationship, and I think I definitely see more negative traits, the lack of empathy and understanding, the way he speaks to me and then says it’s a joke, the blowing hot and cold and me feeling like I’m walking on egg shells. Funnily enough he said to me a few weeks ago that living with me was a nightmare and he was walking on eggshells, and I thought it was me. I feel so sad and drained. Tricky times are ahead, I know, I just need to gather my strength.

OP posts:
Shetlands · 05/05/2024 10:06

The bottom line is that living with him isn't making you happy and you deserve to be happy so however difficult it is, make happiness your goal as you move forwards.

rainbowstardrops · 05/05/2024 10:07

It sounds like he's really worked on you and you don't know what's up and what's down anymore. He sounds awful and he's made you doubt yourself when majority of people on this thread wouldn't be comfortable in your situation either. You're not in the wrong, please remember that Flowers

BlastedPimples · 05/05/2024 10:20

If you do make decisions to move on, please don't tell him. Prepare quietly and privately.

If he is what I think he is, he will either explode, wheedle and manipulate or both. And other or both are very effective at keeping an already weary partner in place for more abuse.

Abuse is the right word.

If he feels he's walking on eggshells with you it's because you are starting to see through him and his behaviour and are starting to call him out for it. He doesn't like it and so you are the problem. Not him.

Really need an outside perspective please.
MelodiousMathematics · 05/05/2024 10:53

@AmberExpert you need to believe you deserve better than this because you do, you wouldn't treat your other half like this and you deserve someone else who can give what you give. Yes definitely take a step back stop getting angry and start emotionally disconnecting. You can do this op.

Original poster
AmberExpert · 05/05/2024 11:42

BlastedPimples · 05/05/2024 10:20

If you do make decisions to move on, please don't tell him. Prepare quietly and privately.

If he is what I think he is, he will either explode, wheedle and manipulate or both. And other or both are very effective at keeping an already weary partner in place for more abuse.

Abuse is the right word.

If he feels he's walking on eggshells with you it's because you are starting to see through him and his behaviour and are starting to call him out for it. He doesn't like it and so you are the problem. Not him.

Wow, this is eye openening.....I have in the past shouted back at him like a mad woman, we've both said some really hurtful things. Just recently I've not had the strength and have been swallowing my words.

Its really strange, my head is telling me one thing and my heart another. I know if it was s friend telling me the same things I'd be saying you deserve better and to be happy. But I can't seem to say that to myself. My head is saying go, my heart is saying stay, it's not that bad, your imagining it, making a mountain out of a molehill. I feel exhausted with it.

OP posts:
BlastedPimples · 05/05/2024 11:55

You're tired. You're feeling a bit beaten down in your spirit. Disrespected. Upset. Maybe even miserable. Afraid of the future and maybe afraid of being single.

You will have a brain fog going on. It's very very hard to find clarity and make important decisions when all this is going on.

If there is any way at all you can step away, step out and distance yourself from this situation, even temporarily, then please do it. It will give you breathing space and maybe calm your head a bit.

Don't do it expecting your partner to come all attentive and loving all of a sudden. Do it for you as an individual. Slowly start to take back some of your power.

Once you know you will be just fine on your own, you are in control of your life

littlebopeepp234 · 05/05/2024 12:07

Duh · 04/05/2024 06:18

OP this sounds like affair or budding affair territory.

No decent husband repeatedly ignores and pisses off their wife in order to pay attention to another woman unless they are sexually interested in them.

I agree with this. Why is he so happy to be her lapdog and jump every time she says she needs a job doing! What sort of person needs someone else’s husband round at her house up to 4 times a week to do little jobs! Why is he happy to spend so much time at her house? Yet he thinks it’s ok to dismiss his own wife’s feelings and blows up at her and accuses her of not trusting him! He is gaslighting you op. And whilst there may or may not be something going on at the moment, I cannot understand why a woman would be so keen to have a married man keep coming to her house 4 times a week and making excuses that she needs all these jobs doing. And I cannot understand why a married man would be so happy to jump at the chance to go to another woman’s house and be her lapdog!

I also agree with pp that I would be sending her a very stern message to back off!