Really need an outside perspective please.

[AmberExpert]

First time poster, long-time lurker. Really need some impartial advice as I've no one I can speak too IRL. it's going to be a long one, so you might need a coffee and some biscuits....

Me and my OH are in our early 50s, not married. He's very friendly, outgoing and would do anything for anyone. There's a lady who lives near us who is a similar age to us, widowed three or four years ago. Recently she's started to regularly ask my OH to do jobs for her, putting pictures up, odd jobs around the house, doing gardening, walking her dog, the list goes on. It feels a bit like she says jump and he says how high.... She texts him regularly and will also send other non related texts such as photos of places she's at or events that she's attending or just general how are you texts. She sent a text last weekend saying 'Happy friday' with a picture of a walk she was on. He has recently been admitted to hospital for a few days and she has been texting to see how he is, sending him get well wishes etc. I saw her briefly during this time and was suprised at her level of concern for him.

When he's doing these jobs they always end in a coffee and a chat and he can be there a while. She is fit and active for her age, and I suspect she can do some of these jobs herself. She sometimes offers to pay him but not very often and will sometimes give him a bottle of wine. One of our neighbours commented recently that it's a good job I'm not a jealous person as he spends such a lot of time at her house!

I know her reasonably well, we've got each others mobile number, but she never texts me about anything, its always my OH. He will sometimes ask me to join him when he goes round, sometimes I go, but not often. I don't feel particularly comfortable around her, I'm not sure why, it's unusual for me to be like this.

I have voiced my concerns that she is becoming more 'needy' for want of a better word, and I feel uncomfortable about the amount of time he spends around there, as this is increasing to 3 or 4 times a week. He has told me that he doesn't fancy he's happy to help her, she's a good friend and neighbour and that I'm being paranoid.

Sometimes we can have a rational conversation about this, other times he blows up at me and can get very angry at me and accuses me of not trusting him. I do trust him, but I find the texting and requests for help excessive.

I'm not sure what to think if I'm honest, my gut feeling is that there is something off, I think she likes to have him doing all this for her, she says things like I'm lucky to have a man who can. And if I'm honest I think my OH likes the attention from her.

I've asked if he'll perhaps back off a bit, but he says he's not doing anything wrong and he'll continue to help her. I feel a bit like he's not really considering my feelings, but then I think am I being unreasonable, he's only helping a neighbour?

Please could you give me your honest opinions and if I just need to accept its a friendship and I've nothing to worry about.

thank you if you got this far, sorry its so long.

Whilst this is very painful, you are being amazingly strong.

He is maintaining his breezy demeanor as he is determined to stick to the narrative that he has done nothing wrong.
This is important to him...image.
Detaching financially asap, getting EVERYTHING you are owed is the way to go.
In your place I would definitely explain locally that the ending was due to his inappropriate relationship with your neighbour.
Calmly, factual, without emotion.
He can deny it all he likes.
But when they do hook up, as I have no doubt they will do, it will cause a nice bit of gossip and embarrassment for them both.
Stay strong, you have dodged a bullet.
If it wasn't her, it would be someone else.

I would just message back saying “I’m good thanks, I will start looking at properties next week. We need to agree what to do about the house. I will make arrangements to get it valued in the next week or so and based on the valuation if you want to buy me out (I’m not interested in keeping it myself) we can work out what’s fair, otherwise we can sell. I’ll give the estate agents your number so they can arrange access”

No drama. Devoid of all emotion. You are not coming back. See how the fucker likes it the other way round!

Yes please don't engage with anything other than purely functional texts. Don't get sucked back in. You know what he is.

And don't respond quickly either.

This. All day this. Cold, no emotion and factual. Do it for yourself, not him (altho there is a level of satisfaction in knowing that you'll piss him right off by no longer caring). Do it so you can wrestle back some dignity and self esteem. Take back control. It's a difficult journey ahead and you will run through all the emotions like a card index but you just have to push on through it, however wretched you might feel.

His friendly text is for a reason.

There is always a reason.

But it's not what you think, if you are currently in the midst of being discarded, this amiable text will be to manipulate you financially and for you not to blow up his reputation on the street.

Reputation, Finances, Ego, there is nothing else, don't be fooled into thinking he has feelings, these types don't.

It's not personal, he's just a robot.

I think there was always going to be a time limit on your relationship as he seems to revel in being seen as the saviour/white knight- which is what he is to the OW - for now.

You said you were in a similar position when you first met him, which is probably what attracted him to you n the first place. Unless you were prepared to fawn all over him and be grateful to the end of time, your behaviour towards him would have gradually altered as you became more familiar and comfortable with him, as you saw the real him, the bad habits and all the negative aspects of his personality that most others don’t see etc.

It sounds like he was resenting you for not hero worshipping or being grateful to him anymore, for not making him feel
special enough. But that’s on him not you.

He’s an emotionally stunted, immature narcissist. Be glad you’re breaking with him now while there’s still a speck of you left. OW will be in your shoes further down the line. Good luck OP x

Yep- sage advice. Keep it calm, ice cold and level. Dont be surprised if he then starts ramping up his efforts to get a reaction out of you. He is enjoying it - it gives him validation.

Staying cold and factual starves him of that.

Don't be surprised either if he gets as nasty as a snake. Once they realise the game's up, the gloves can well and truly come off.

Thank you all for your replies, I can’t tell you how much this is helping me get through this awful situation.

So, I’ve had a further message to say he’s missing me and he loves me. I replied and said I couldn’t carry on as I was doing. He basically replied and laid the blame at my door saying we were in this position because I didn’t trust him.

I messaged back to say it wasn’t just the trust, it was the fact that he put his friendship with another woman before us, and if the roles has been reversed I would never have put our relationship in jeopardy for a male friend. He went on to say he didn’t put her before me, and that he had always wanted a dog but had never had one, and taking her dog a walk was the next best thing. We can’t have a dog in the accommodation we are in.

I am sat here, wanting to cry, feeling mad and in a weird way just wanting to laugh at it all. I mean I just don’t know what is going on in his head.

Right ok so he wants a dog... what about all the random jobs, though? How does that fit into the narrative?

He has, once again, ignored your feelings and centred himself.

I know, that's just what I thought, but I just felt so tired of all the crap. I just thought I can't even go there. He'll never ever understand, so it's all word salad as a pp said.

Stay strong!

Seems like he has done it with a few women then. He kind of forces their hand so he isn't the bad boy, and still likes to be the cheeky happy chappy. Then, he can spin a tale about how you left suddenly.....

It is absolutely pointless trying to understand. I wouldn’t even try to engage in away that tries to get answers because he has shown over and over he completely ignores or twists your point of view to put him in the position of power or victim or more knowledgeable or infact whatever he needs in the moment.

its only leaving you confused and hurt so stop engaging and stop giving him fuel.

sort out the practicalities then move on, take your power back and get on with your new life.

you will never ever be either the answers you need or the ending that feels ok.

its hard but stop caring about him, stop worrying that he’s going to move on with someone new because the truth is you were in love with who you thought he was not who he actually was. It’s a horrible realisation but it will be useful for the future.

@Ginkypig you are right on so many levels. He's not the man I thought he was or who I fell in love with. Its all just been a sham. And whilst that's hard, as is knowing he'll move on so quickly, thats the reality I'm facing.

I just need to grit my teeth, head down and push on through. Look forward and not back.

Exactly! It’s horrible and it’s hard but soon you’ll be on the other side. It absolutely can’t be worse than it is now!

you can do this @AmberExpert

You're going to okay - so much better than okay. In 6 months time you will look back and be so grateful that God/the universe/whatever you believe in - gave you this sign -this weird relationship he has with the neighbour and his behaviour and attitude to you concerning it. Your reaction to his behaviour was visceral and physical at that time - you knew something was terribly wrong. That's your subconscious and your gut telling you to act fast and get away onto safe and happier ground.

It does not matter what the neighbours think or what your joint friends think. You will be long gone and none of that will matter. If you do get asked - rise above the temptation to get dragged in: "Our relationship has run its course" will stop all curious enquiries.

You sound lovely and I don't think you know yet the extent to which this man's behaviour has pulled you down. Trust yourself - you are trustworthy!
The man you knew no longer exists, or perhaps he was never what you thought and hoped he was. He can't give you anything you need or anything you want. That's the end of that chapter. I hope you move on away from him and cut ties asap and in this case, make it final - no texts or friendly contact in the future because he has no friendship worth having and he is not your friend.

Thinking of you

Thank you @PalomaJaneintheDales
That is so true, he's not my friend. You don't treat friends like he's treated me. One good thing is that when I move away back closer to friends and family it will put distance between us so I won't have to see him and won't bump into him which hopefully will make things easier.

I plan to use it with my therapist next week. I'm glad it resonates for you.

One of my girls quoted back to me something I told her when she was going through a painful time. Apparently I said "You will be okay again."

You will be okay again. 💐

Do not let him talk you back around!
well done for leaving to get your head clear.
he was trying to triangulate, and you didn’t follow the script the narcissist’s victims are supposed to follow, staying to play the pick me game, and be a constant source of ego boost for them.

he sounds like a vampire, draining the life out of you.

I hope you don’t listen to any of his lovely words. Let him grovel- then shake it off and hold your head high.

you’ve got a good, healthy, happy future ahead.
without this ass dragging you down.

@AmberExpert I left someone like this in 2006. I had moved to be near him. For a time I was working in his area and staying at his place. Still had my own apartment but it was 3 hours away.

He started showing how little he cared for me pretty much immediately after I’d quit my old job and gotten one in his area. It gave him power that I didn’t have any other place to stay. He basically abandoned me emotionally. He didn’t care how I felt and if I tried to discuss it he’d act the same way you are describing.

I can’t tell you how alone I felt. How powerless and abandoned.

When I finally left, he acted the same way. Never showed he cared at all. Or even that he noticed I was gone. He texted or call me occasionally but it was breezy. Then the call came.

“You just left! You moved 3 states away! You got a new job, a house, a new boyfriend. We were happy!!”

I said “Joe, we were miserable! And that was a year ago. Are you just now noticing I’m gone?”

He was floored. He thought it was a few months at most. Then he said “you never really wanted this.” To which I replied, “I think you may be right about that.”

He continues to call and text after that. Even threatening to drive to my house. Making jokes about sex, etc. it grossed me out.

We did have a weird connection. He’d call if I even thought about him. So I stopped doing that.

Leaving him taught me how strong I am. How very good it feels to look backs and see you can build your own life from what feels like ashes if needed. How I don’t have to put up with less than I need, less than we all deserve.

You will be there before you know it.

No way she needs all these jobs doing by someone else. She is a fit barely middle aged woman, not a doddery old lady in her nineties! Walking her bloody dog indeed!

She is definitely up to no good and is pretty much rubbing it in your face. "I've got a man who can"! He is also acting very shifty and guilty, getting angry and blowing up at your reasonable concerns is a sure sign he has something to hide.

If it were me it would be ultimatum time. Either the constant cosy visits stop or you make plans to leave. I am so angry on your behalf that they are treating you so badly

Whether or not there is 'something going on' this woman's behaviour is out of order. She's perfectly capable of doing things, but as has been suggested, it seems that OP's DP is keen to present as a knight in shining armour.

Just thinking about a friend of mine I bumped into yesterday. She's in her early 80s. She's been visiting a friend in hospital one side of the county we're in, and a sick relative in the next county, doing some jobs in their house whilst they're unable. She's also been "Helping out an old lady" who lives in her road. She'd be mortified if she couldn't do things and kept asking someone else, even though, given her years, it'd be anticipated that she'd want to/need to slow down a bit.

Being honest it sounds like it's a bit of an emotional affair. I'd personally ask him to come up with a plan together on management so you both feel comfortable. If he kicks off and refuses then you have your answer. My thoughts on compromise is

A) agree that when she texts he tells you
B) let you go round a bit randomly so she never knows who's coming
C) start ssying no and reduce the contact slowly
D) offer to pay for a handy person for longer job.

All these will show her true intentions and give your husband a break and reassure you. If he refuses, then I think there may be more to it.

I'm sore it's been mentioned, but if he buys you out of the house you need your initial amount back, plus any rise in the value of the house. So if you put 25% of the value of the house at the time, then you should get 25% of the value of the house now