Really need an outside perspective please.

[AmberExpert]

First time poster, long-time lurker. Really need some impartial advice as I've no one I can speak too IRL. it's going to be a long one, so you might need a coffee and some biscuits....

Me and my OH are in our early 50s, not married. He's very friendly, outgoing and would do anything for anyone. There's a lady who lives near us who is a similar age to us, widowed three or four years ago. Recently she's started to regularly ask my OH to do jobs for her, putting pictures up, odd jobs around the house, doing gardening, walking her dog, the list goes on. It feels a bit like she says jump and he says how high.... She texts him regularly and will also send other non related texts such as photos of places she's at or events that she's attending or just general how are you texts. She sent a text last weekend saying 'Happy friday' with a picture of a walk she was on. He has recently been admitted to hospital for a few days and she has been texting to see how he is, sending him get well wishes etc. I saw her briefly during this time and was suprised at her level of concern for him.

When he's doing these jobs they always end in a coffee and a chat and he can be there a while. She is fit and active for her age, and I suspect she can do some of these jobs herself. She sometimes offers to pay him but not very often and will sometimes give him a bottle of wine. One of our neighbours commented recently that it's a good job I'm not a jealous person as he spends such a lot of time at her house!

I know her reasonably well, we've got each others mobile number, but she never texts me about anything, its always my OH. He will sometimes ask me to join him when he goes round, sometimes I go, but not often. I don't feel particularly comfortable around her, I'm not sure why, it's unusual for me to be like this.

I have voiced my concerns that she is becoming more 'needy' for want of a better word, and I feel uncomfortable about the amount of time he spends around there, as this is increasing to 3 or 4 times a week. He has told me that he doesn't fancy he's happy to help her, she's a good friend and neighbour and that I'm being paranoid.

Sometimes we can have a rational conversation about this, other times he blows up at me and can get very angry at me and accuses me of not trusting him. I do trust him, but I find the texting and requests for help excessive.

I'm not sure what to think if I'm honest, my gut feeling is that there is something off, I think she likes to have him doing all this for her, she says things like I'm lucky to have a man who can. And if I'm honest I think my OH likes the attention from her.

I've asked if he'll perhaps back off a bit, but he says he's not doing anything wrong and he'll continue to help her. I feel a bit like he's not really considering my feelings, but then I think am I being unreasonable, he's only helping a neighbour?

Please could you give me your honest opinions and if I just need to accept its a friendship and I've nothing to worry about.

thank you if you got this far, sorry its so long.

@duh thanks for checking in.

I'm doing ok thank you. Still separated. We've chatted on the phone a couple of times and text a few times, He's not asked me to come home. in fact has quite openly said he's been at the neighbours doing jobs and walking her dog. He's has always been absolutely adamant he isn't doing anything wrong, and he might not be in terms of a physical affair, but he's not considered my feelings. It almost feels like he's rubbing my nose in it.

He will never, ever see it from my point of view, so I want to make an exit with my head held high and dignity intact.

Just sending you support @AmberExpert .
I was wondering how you were doing also.

Thanks @AliceOlive really bad insomnia still. I swing from desperately wanting to be back home to being desperately glad I've made the break.

I'm sure, well as sure as I can be I've done the right thing. And I'm starting to feel.glimmers of my old self coming back. It's actually quite scary how depleted I was and worn down by it all.

I spent the weekend with a friend and I opened up to her, and even though she knew my OH her unwavering support was amazing. I've not really said anything to anyone as he is seen as Mr Wonderful, kind, helpful, salt of the earth will do anything to help anyone, but for to acknowledge his behaviour wasn't ok meant the world to me.

He seems to be getting on with his life, out and about, going to our sports club etc, it doesn't even feel like he's missing me. He's also said about sending me money over for something I bought for the house recently, so that I'm not out of pocket as he will keep it.

It feels like it's very final and he's just washed his hands of it and is walking away. Absolutely heart breaking, but I'm really seeing him for who he is.

ok

And I'm starting to feel.glimmers of my old self coming back.

This is so hopeful and good.

His behavior is really bizarre and not at all normal. I hope you know it’s not personal to you, there is something emotional missing in him that probably always was that way.

He absolutely DOES get your point of view.....he just doesn't care a jot about it. Don't fall in to the trap of thinking, if only I could explain it better/find the right words/make him understand....he knows all too well the negative impact its having on you. He just doesn't give a toss sadly.

It can take a long time for the head to catch up with the hard. You want to stay and make it work but you can't. You know it but you don't want it to be true. It's horrendous and so destabilising but you have to hoick up your brave pants, find your nerves of steel and do it anyway, even if you're a crying mess every night. Once you start to see just how appallingly he's behaved towards you, it gets even tougher but do yourself the biggest favour of your life and leave him for good. You'll thank yourself in the long run.

Well that says it all op! He has decided to choose this woman and her needs over you and yours. So much so he is willing to ruin his relationship for it!

As pp has said, he knows exactly what he’s done! He knows how you feel, he just doesn’t care. Next time he try’s to put the blame on you and say it’s all on you just tell him you’re not wiling to be gaslighted and manipulated and leave the conversation there, don’t argue anymore about it.

The sad thing is, these type of men usually come crawling back months later. Don’t take the bait.

His behaviour isn't at all bizarre. He's a walking cliche, textbook stuff. Once you read more about it and start to see it for what it really is, there's no un-seeing it.

I know it hurts OP but my goodness you are doing the right thing.

Glad you're doing ok and that you have some support, op.

I wouldn't be surprised if he isn't really taking you seriously and probably expects you to rock up and carry on as normal.

When you don't, he will probably ask you to come back.

I hope you don't. He's a really selfish prat. And he's lost a diamond woman.

@AmberExpert, you've had so much good advice and support. Please keep leaning on us. Someone is always here.

Three things:
You've taken these steps to get your life and your old self back. Keep the momentum going. It will keep you strong.

Tell yourself over and over that you are not wrong, he doesn't treat you with much respect; that when it came to your relationship or their friendship, he didn't choose your relationship. That he treated you badly sometimes and it's been getting worse. That you deserve better. Repeat until you believe it.

It hurts now, but you will be okay again. Isn't it better to leave now than continuing to be hurt? In ten years it will be harder.

And the last thing? (Number 4 if you're counting.) The photo I'm sharing came up on my fb feed last night. I think it was meant for you.

I'm wishing you joy and serenity in your life. Be happy.

Keep going OP. You WILL get there.

He enjoys the attention from these women, doesn't he? And does nothing to discourage it, even though he knows it makes you unhappy. Bottom line, if he's not prepared to put the same level of effort into your relationship as he does with this neighbour, then you have every right to be upset about it. Keep telling yourself that at times when you are filled with self doubt about leaving him.

I’m sorry you’re feeling the whole spectrum. You might not be able to hear it yet but you’ll get there, you’ve already done one of the hardest bits. Just keep on taking one step at a time and eventually this will be your past and not your present.

its very hard to feel two completely opposite things simultaneously.

the strong missing him and devastation at the break up will begin to fade but for now think about them logically (and have statements ready to tell yourself in advance to counteract their affect) rather than giving them too much space emotionally.

as for him, I know his response is completely heartbreaking because a “normal” human with normal emotions to be responding with some clue that he actually cares he’s losing someone he loves but actually there’s nothing you can do about that so don’t focus too much needed energy on it.
if this is his response it say much more about him and much less on you or the relationship you put so much love and energy into even if you didn’t know at the time that he didn’t!

Agree with this. I think I'd be relatively aggressive about it.

Does he not have a job Amber ?

How can he spend so much time at her place doing jobs, is it after work ?

Anyway, you issued the ultimatum and he hasn't responded, hasn't been in touch, this is one of two things, either he is being nonchalant and pretending that he's done nothing wrong still or he's completely switched off and checked out.

Something tells me he hasn't been fully present as a partner since you met him really, did he have a previous partner who he did this to ?

Well I suppose there is nothing to do but get finances in order, do you share ownership of the house ?, maybe get a valuer round, get the ball rolling, it may show him the seriousness of your anger and intent.

Also, if you do have an intrest in the house then I wouldn't be afraid to return as totally separated partners until you sell the home but that would be me as I'd make the neighbours life uncomfortable until we split.

But ultimately things should not have to go this far so your voice can be heard, he's not hearing you or understanding, let alone reassuring you, this man has a screw loose or he's very cruel.

A line has been drawn, he could have pulled it back but he didn't, you have your answers, it's time for the paperwork, in your own time Amber.

Sadly, I think you are absolutely spot on, he doesn't seem to be giving a toss at all.

I'm definitely thinking, did I make my self clear enough, could I have handled it differently, or better, but I know deep down it wouldn't have changed a thing.

Thanks so much for your kind words. I love the quote too, I'm going to save it as my screen saver so I see it often.

He's telling you who he is, so when you ask him to explain himself, he will just revert to the, 'Oh but I told you I was this?'

Get that house sold, pronto. Or get him to buy you out. You have sadly just been a stepping stone to where he wants to be

He semi retired, and just works as an when, so plenty of free time.

Its funny you should mention previous partners, he has had several relationships all lasting varying lengths of time. He's lived with a number of these partners and moved on quickly from what I cam tell, and interesting most of the breakups haven't been his fault, so he says......looking back this is a huge red flag that I chose to ignore and when he showered me with compliments I fell for it. What an absolute fool I've been.

I'm not going home, I own oart share in the house, I gave him a lump sum towards it, so he's taking about giving that too me so it should be pretty swift to resolve.

He's just messaged me actually a chatty, breezy how are you text. I honestly don't know what he's playing at.

The lump sum plus half of any increase in value I hope.

That's just how I feel, a stepping stone and he's stepped all over me and now he doesn't want me.

He's just messaged me actually a chatty, breezy how are you text. I honestly don't know what he's playing at.

They almost all try to come back in some way at some point. Narcissistic people can’t help it; you left him, he won’t get over that as easily as you may think. He will want to redo things in a way that still puts him in power rather than you.

But you can see this man isn’t able to care about anyone. He has no feelings except for himself.

Ignore the text op, he’s just playing mind games to keep you on the hook and feed his ego while he prances about with this woman he feels should come first before you, doing all her jobs and walking her dog and god knows what else!
Sending you that message shows he thinks that you’re not serious about ending it! He’s acting like an arrogant, cocky little twat! Bring him down a peg or two and just ignore him!