Really need an outside perspective please.

[AmberExpert]

First time poster, long-time lurker. Really need some impartial advice as I've no one I can speak too IRL. it's going to be a long one, so you might need a coffee and some biscuits....

Me and my OH are in our early 50s, not married. He's very friendly, outgoing and would do anything for anyone. There's a lady who lives near us who is a similar age to us, widowed three or four years ago. Recently she's started to regularly ask my OH to do jobs for her, putting pictures up, odd jobs around the house, doing gardening, walking her dog, the list goes on. It feels a bit like she says jump and he says how high.... She texts him regularly and will also send other non related texts such as photos of places she's at or events that she's attending or just general how are you texts. She sent a text last weekend saying 'Happy friday' with a picture of a walk she was on. He has recently been admitted to hospital for a few days and she has been texting to see how he is, sending him get well wishes etc. I saw her briefly during this time and was suprised at her level of concern for him.

When he's doing these jobs they always end in a coffee and a chat and he can be there a while. She is fit and active for her age, and I suspect she can do some of these jobs herself. She sometimes offers to pay him but not very often and will sometimes give him a bottle of wine. One of our neighbours commented recently that it's a good job I'm not a jealous person as he spends such a lot of time at her house!

I know her reasonably well, we've got each others mobile number, but she never texts me about anything, its always my OH. He will sometimes ask me to join him when he goes round, sometimes I go, but not often. I don't feel particularly comfortable around her, I'm not sure why, it's unusual for me to be like this.

I have voiced my concerns that she is becoming more 'needy' for want of a better word, and I feel uncomfortable about the amount of time he spends around there, as this is increasing to 3 or 4 times a week. He has told me that he doesn't fancy he's happy to help her, she's a good friend and neighbour and that I'm being paranoid.

Sometimes we can have a rational conversation about this, other times he blows up at me and can get very angry at me and accuses me of not trusting him. I do trust him, but I find the texting and requests for help excessive.

I'm not sure what to think if I'm honest, my gut feeling is that there is something off, I think she likes to have him doing all this for her, she says things like I'm lucky to have a man who can. And if I'm honest I think my OH likes the attention from her.

I've asked if he'll perhaps back off a bit, but he says he's not doing anything wrong and he'll continue to help her. I feel a bit like he's not really considering my feelings, but then I think am I being unreasonable, he's only helping a neighbour?

Please could you give me your honest opinions and if I just need to accept its a friendship and I've nothing to worry about.

thank you if you got this far, sorry its so long.

Maybe the neighbour has money and he has designs on that rather than her!

From reading all your updates, I think the scales have thankfully fallen from your eyes.
He does not sound like a good partner one iota.

She lives in a huge, beautiful house and seems to have a lot of money…..

My head know that but I’m struggling tonight. So hard.

Tell him there’s a new guy at work, Gary. Say he asked your colleague if you were married. You’re shocked as he’s only in his 30s! Looks like the guy from the Diet Coke ad from the 90s. See how he likes it.

Change one of your contacts to ‘Gary’ in your phone and let him see you messaging “him”. A bit of jealousy might shake him up. Selfish bugger he is. I feel for you. It’s crap of him. Don’t flap after him though. It’s his loss if he fucks up.

Gary might invite you out for a drink and send flowers to your home too.

Yes! Ester P is wonderful!

My head know that but I’m struggling tonight. So hard.

Of course, I understand that. It doesn't look like he's going to going to change though does it?
So you have to decide if you can live with that or not.

I’ve just been reading this thread and glad to see how it’s progressed and that you’ve taken a break from the house.

The fact your partner was getting ready to to walk the neighbours dog when you were preparing to leave shows his arrogance and disregard for your feelings. I agree with much of the great advice throughout this thread.

To hear he was joking about your pension is quite sinister. There’s always a ring of truth in every joke as they say. Good luck to the next well established woman he chooses to pursue.

As hard as this may feel now I think you’re getting a lucky escape.

I’m re-reading the thread a lot, and almost imagining it was a friend that had written it, and I know the sensible and logical thing is to leave. The hard bit is the heart catching up with the head.

I know that’s just how I felt, it was if he didn’t care and was just shrugging his shoulders and saying ok, you’ve made your mind up, I’ll carry on regardless. Which to be fair was his usual way. I’ve hardly heard from him these past few days, he said let’s keep in touch, but don’t feel that I’d got to text or ring daily. I’ve instigated a couple of calls, but to be honest it feels like he’s not bothered and is happy with no contact, which I suppose is a blessing for me whilst I get my head straight.

A loving partner with your best interests at heart would have picked up on your unhappiness with the situation, acknowledged his error and distanced himself from this lady. He knows full well how you feel and despite this is carrying on regardless. Looks like he has checked out of your relationship and cares more about her than anything else.

If you instigated the last call or text chat I’d strongly advise you to wait for him to call or text you first next time. Until then remain silent.

See how long it takes for him to notice or care about your silence and do something about it.

Any man that will let you slip away like that and not even try and pursue you a tiny bit sadly doesn't care about you and it’s nothing personal. I suspect he was into you at the start, but he’s the type of man to get bored every few years and once his attention wanes then he’s onto the next shiny new thing.

You were very wise not to marry him. Without sounding too dramatic I’ve read too many horror stories of seemingly respectable middle aged/older men who married for financial reasons then treated their wives very badly.

Yeah, you’d think so would you, but he just kept saying he wasn’t doing anything wrong. I was insecure and I’d got to get over it. I certainly know if the boot was on the other foot I would have never done the same to him. I guess I’m starting to see things from a very different perspective now.

Thank you, I know you are right and I’m not going to instigate any contact.

It really hurts that he’s just let me go, and it feels personal and is so painful. He fed me the usual lines about me being the best thing ever, best partner he’d ever had. I think you’ve hit the nail on the head about him getting bored and moving on, he’s had several relationships none lasting more than 5 or 6 years so perhaps I’m at my expiry date.

@AmberExpert If you've tentatively looked up narcissistic traits, you may want to look up the 'discard' period. I'm not diagnosing your OH at a distance, but toxic people tend to fall into these patterns - even over many years - of idealizing/lovebombing, then a slow devalue, and then a 'discard'.

Sometimes they start up idealizing again, and sometimes you're just thrown away like an old dishcloth in the discard phase.

"When the victim no longer serves a purpose or holds value for the narcissist, or when the narcissist has found a new source of attention or validation, they often will discard their victim. During the discard phase of the narcissistic love pattern, the narcissist might abruptly end the relationship or pull away emotionally." (This cycle is widely talked about, but I found it on this site; https://www.simplypsychology.org/narcissistic-love-bombing-cycle.html).

Sending you strength and so glad you're not married! However, I would definitely check any shared assets and ensure that all deed/finances are in order and properly separated.

@BrightNewLife thank you for sharing that info, very interesting reading. I’m trying to be balanced about the narcissistic traits, there are definitely lots of similarities and it definitely seems like I’m in the discard phase. It’s just so damn hurtful, I can’t believe I feel for all his crap, and I so wish I could get angry. Instead I’m crying thinking what did I do, why doesn’t he want me, why aren’t I good enough……

Instead I’m crying thinking what did I do, why doesn’t he want me, why aren’t I good enough……

You are good enough Amber, that's the point you are too good for him.

He's lacking in something himself, no one will ever fill that.
He will keep searching and he will never find what is important.

He is incapable.

It is absolutely nothing to do with your personal and individual worth. Nothing. Please don't carry that nonsensical weight.

Because if you do start to think it's your lack that caused this awful behaviour on his part, then you will never get out of the trying-to-prove-yourself-to-him-as-worthy gymnastics.

Nothing you are and nothing you do can ever cause someone to behave like a disrespectful, cruel and thoughtless oik.

He's making a fool of himself.

Let him.

In fact, let him, let them etc is a good code to follow.

You know the more I think about it, I think it's possible it really is her money/status he's after, but it's also possible that she can see exactly what he's up to and is happy to let him do all the jobs for her, knowing it's not going anywhere. I actually know someone this happened to and the guy really thought they were in a relationship, but he was just being used.

Won't that be poetic justice if she drops him once she's got all she wants/needs, but by then it will be too late to come crawling back to you!

@ShutupStreet@BlastedPimples@windyweather66
thank you for your kind words, my self esteem is at rock bottom.
The more I read about narcissistic abuse, the more I think he fits the bill. I’ve been reading about trauma bonding too, and it seems like I could be experiencing this.

I just can’t believe that I’ve gone from being a confident, articulate, fun loving woman to a shadow of my former self.

Whilst I don’t want to fall down the rabbit hole of reading too many articles or watching too many you tube videos, which I’m doing at the moment, knowledge is power. I’m starting to understand that this is nothing about me as a person, but all about him and his personality traits. I’m feeling really strong this morning, and absolutely sure I’ve done the right thing in leaving.

Thank you all again ❤️

I’m both very heartened and full of upset for you by your last post.

you describe with eloquence the miserable juxtaposition of the situation so many women including yourself have found themselves in.

stop think just now about the how’s and why a woman such of yourself can find herself there, that’s for later when building skills to never again.

anyway the truth is it happened in thousands of imperceptible drips over a slow period so you couldn’t see it until you were already in the rainstorm and by then it was to late to avoid it.
you task right now isn’t to understand it but to pull your destructive emotions (the ones that miss him or want to assign excuses to minimise and normalise etc) under the umbrella you are building and to navigate out of the rain to safety.

This is by Wendy Cope:

Defining the problem

I can’t forgive you. Even if I could
You wouldn’t pardon me for seeing through you.

And yet I cannot cure myself of love
For what I thought you were before I knew you.

BUT, you’ve already started the cure OP and you can keep going to a much better place where you will find peace, calm and tranquil times. And most importantly, yourself.

Thank you so much @Ginkypig you are spot on, I feel like I’ve come out of a thunderstorm. For now I’m taking on board the strength I’m currently feeling, I know it will be transient, but I’m taking it for now! I feel like I can see glimmers of the old me. I will re-read this when I’m not feeling as strong, as I know those times will come. It won’t be an easy onward journey, but it will be better than the misery I’ve been weighed down by.

@Izzy24 those words are very powerful aren’t they, and so true.

I’ve just read this, which has also really spoken to me.

Among the ruins

Before I put myself back together,
I spent some time amongst the ruins,
a dark and magnificent place
where I got to know all the pieces of my soul.
pieces of me that I didn’t know existed.

Kristisn Kory.

@AmberExpert how are you?