Is this normal? Help

[Limberinta]

I don't know if I'm reading too much into this or not. I'm currently on day 2 of holiday with my dp and kids but my dp is in a foul mood. He had an argument with a friend the day we left and has been really angry and in a horrible mood... Is that a normal reaction? Am I being insensitive or is that ott?

No no, he always did this. It's not a calculated move, he adores them. Clearly, as they are the only reason he's here apparently

This isn't you Op, relationships can lose a bit of romantic spark when you have babies. It’s a time to work together building a family, he choose to pursue another relationship with when your attention was on your babies. You’re not a fool, you just thought better of him. I say this as someone who had a big crush on a colleague at one point but I didn’t act on it and it passed. He had a choice.

So sorry OP. Regarding him not locking his phone - could it be he wanted you to find out? Maybe bring it all to a head?

It is locked, I've just seen him type it in but thank you for your kind thoughts

I don't get it, why would you bother settling if you could be so much happier with someone else. I know the answer is our dc, but that's almost worse

Well he has been horrible to you though. When you expressed your initial discomfort at the friendship, he gaslighted you into feeling you were wrong to feel that way as it was 'just a friendship' and proceeded to continue seeing her.
That's pretty horrible imo.

And now he's being arsey with you because he's fallen out with his fancy women.

So depression again, would be a handy excuse in these circumstances.

'Oh I need my friends round me because I'm depressed and I need people to talk to', or even, you thinking 'he's overreacting about this fight because of his poor mental health' etc...

It's a handy get out clause he made for himself.
To help disguise the fact that he's cheating.

Also, it has nothing to do with love. You have to spend time with people to fall in love. He would have had to have went out of his way initially to do that. To cheat.

OK so they worked together a few months? So what? If he'd noticed anything developing crush wise, he should have avoided her like the plague!
Instead he pursued things like a single man.

It's not love, it's arrogance. It's wanting to have his cake and eat it. It's greed, selfishness and frankly, contempt for you.

I might have alarm bells ringing but does not mean it's anything more at all. An argument with a friend, especially one who I don't normally argue with, would rattle me, especially if they touched a nerve or if I cared about their opinion. If you heard the argument I wouldn't overthink it tbh. I'd hate for my DH to overhear an argument like this, he's probably a bit hurt and ashamed that you did - maybe try being nice and cheering him up. Basically no i wouldn't assume that- but understandable to do think twice

Oh ok.that puts different spin on it. 2 years?!!! Definitely not normal reaction from him. Its intense and over dramatical for 'friends'. Blokes would normally say...fuck you..she can do stuff herself then...if she was just a friend

Hes a piece of shit.

@Limberinta please don’t feel like the fool here. You objected to this friendship but you accepted it due to his assurances. You feel betrayed and this is one of the most all consuming emotions because it makes us feel shame, I haven’t worked out why we feel like this. It also makes us relive certain moments and play them back in our head. And I can see you are an over thinker and remember everything.

As @Pinkbonbon has said, he made a series of conscious decisions that lead to the cheating. he could has dropped her like a hot potato when he started to have feelings instead of perusing her and furthermore bringing her into the family home.You must have been pregnant with DC 2 when all this was happening.
My only advice to you is separate him being a good father from being an unsafe partner for you. He lost his choice in seeing his DC everyday when he started sneaking around with this OW. He has gaslighted you, lied and also had the cheek to have her on your house. ( This is particularly triggering for me as you know but I want to move past this).

It is a lot to take in, the enormity and the emotions. Breathe. In a way you got control of finding out, it’s probably a kinder way than discovering it another way. But it is a lot to process.

Thank you all. I think I'm still just in shock mode

You don't have to do anything now. You can take your time. You have had a terrible shock and it will have a physical effect on you as well as an emotional effect.

Do what you think is best at the right time for you. I think what's important is that from now on you don't put him first. He is carrying on with another life at the same time as he's pretending everything is okay with you. Now that you know he's pretending, you can get your head around it, get your friends to back you up and decide what's the best thing to do.

I don't know if he is pretending though. We get on really well and have a really nice life so he seems like he's happy enough until I knew this today. Maybe he's OK with our life

I don't know what I want to do right now. I can't even think straight

@Limberinta he might be ok with your life together but will you now be?
You can’t decide right now and that’s ok. It is your life and you have young dc. Just do what’s right for you even if it means just trying to get through today!

I’m sorry OP. What a cunt he is writing those things to her.

At least you know for sure now.
What is your plan? Keep quiet for now? Cut the holiday short? Have you got family and friends you can confide in?

Sounds like started this when you had two young babies at home. What a prince.

I suspect that conversation and argument they had wasn’t quite what it seemed. But who cares now that you know. You’ll probably look back now and remember times you ignored your instinct like the day they were on the sofa. What a twat she is also coming into your home.

💐

I thought this...until he cheated... astronomically.. after 25 year

Well I'd be pretty happy too if i had a kushty home and a nice wife and 2 cute kids and a fuck buddy on the side (and obviously, not an ounce of moral fibre, decency or compassion in my body)

Many people don't just cheat because they are unhappy. They cheat because they're bastards and they can.

Look at all the celebs that cheat on their stunning, rich husbands and wives.

Stop worrying about how he feels. Hes an asswipe with the depth of a fucking teaspoon. A troglodyte that think with his penis. Infact no, that's insult to cavemen. Because he thought this through and did it anyway. For years.That's how much of a cunt he is. Find your anger op!

If you haven't already, get screenshots of it all so he can't deny it.

He's going to have to face the possibility that he doesn't get to see his children daily because of his own actions.

You've got a lot to process right now and it's going to be horrid.

I know I'd not be able to accept anyone settling for me, I'd already have his things packed and told him to fuck off so I could use the rest of the holiday to go through my options.

Take some time to think about what you want, his actions are going to have consequences for the entire family. You are not required to consider his feelings in your decision.

I’m so sorry OP. The only positive is you now know that their friendship is a not innocent.
He has been the one to benefit from this ‘arrangement’ despite his awful behaviour. Not the family wrecker.’ He’s got a lovely partner and two young children. He’s been getting his ego stoked by an attractive woman for two years. She’s probably been a shoulder to cry on when life hasn’t been full of excitement. Having children takes it toll on any relationship and lifes not easy at the best of times.
He’s got her as a back up option and will have been enjoying the attention. I believe he’s happy enough with your relationship as he would have left you by now otherwise.
She’s an idiot for being basically on standby whilst he continues with his life with his family. I hate women who get involved with men who are attached. She should have backed off ages ago. Ideally when she developed feelings so clearly has no respect for you and the children. Anyone with decent morals would not pursue him.

He most likely won’t have any intention of leaving you as the set up as it stands is perfect for him. He can’t spend as much spare time with you enjoying life as you have young children together so whilst you act like a decent human being he runs off to his bit on the side for some attention and fun. He will have lied to you many times and I can’t believe the audacity of them to cuddle up on your sofa with your child like you described. He must think he can continue as he has been doing for as long as possible. This is probably every males dream set up. A loving partner and kids at home and a close female friend who adores you, strokes your ego and will behave inappropriately at times with you, then you can run home to real life. What an absolute selfish bastard.
The initial problem is how you are going to deal with this now. It’s not ideal that you are away from home and your support network.
When are you due home? Do you think you can pretend everything is normal for now whilst you decide what your next steps will be? It’s not going to be easy but I’m sure you’re a strong person. Most women are and we can get through anything even when it seems like it’s impossible.
I personally could not stay in this relationship as I would feel second best despite him choosing to remain with you. for the two years. What he said in that message will stick in your mind and make you feel insecure. He’s just saying whatever is necessary to keep his one woman fan club dangling.
At the moment it’s easy for her to appear like the perfect partner when she’s not seeing him at his worst, seeing his smelly socks in the wash basket and having to use the toilet after him when he’s had the runs and stank the house out. What they have is a fantasy atm. It could potentially work but they have no idea either way. It’s all exciting and romantic - ‘we can’t be together so we will be friends with inappropriate boundaries at times until the day we can be together blah blah blah violins play shore music . He is loving the attention OP. It’s very immature.
You need to decide if you want to fight for your relationship or cut him loose. This might take time - possibly you won’t know for a while. Your are currently in shock and your emotions will be all over the place for a while.
I would consider keeping this to yourself for the time being without the extra stress of dealing with him and his emotions too. Focus on you and what you want solely.
I would consider calling a solicitor for some legal advice if you are able to get away for a phone conversation on Monday. Maybe confide in someone you trust who has your best interests at heart and won’t have any ulterior motive. Look after yourself.
Don’t let him emotional manipulate you if you chose to confront him. As others have said take photos of the Incriminating messages you have found asap. They will disappear and he won’t admit to anything without proof. You may be called paranoid and controlling for looking at his phone. However always remember how you felt when he chose to put his relationship with her before even your children as he sat there stewing over her on your holiday. He made it obvious how important and central to his life she had become. He can’t be relied upon to tell the truth as evidenced by the way he has gaslit you regarding their relationship for two years. Your gut instinct was telling you something wasn’t quite right so to had no choice but to investigate. Please don’t apologise for looking at his phone. You have done nothing wrong and when a confrontation takes place he will try his best to twist this on you as he has no defence to his actions.
A potential issue if you chose to stay silent on this issue for sometime is how you are going to handle her in the interim. I would not want her anywhere near my children or home. Not sure how often she’s dated ti step foot in your house previously but that needs to stop.
There is a lot to think about and deal with but I’m sure people on here will listen anytime and provide advice when requested. You deserve to be loved and cherished. You are not an option, a stopgap or second best. Please remember that when shit hits the fan. Take care xx

Does he have a history of spoiling family time/time with you, with his moods?
That would annoy me as much as anything I think.

Sorry, I wrote this before getting through the whole thread. So sorry OP. I hope you are ok.

So sorry you are going through this @Limberinta. Be kind to yourself and take whatever time you need to decide.

Hi @Limberinta was wondering how you've been. Hope things worked out for you