Is this normal? Help

[Limberinta]

I don't know if I'm reading too much into this or not. I'm currently on day 2 of holiday with my dp and kids but my dp is in a foul mood. He had an argument with a friend the day we left and has been really angry and in a horrible mood... Is that a normal reaction? Am I being insensitive or is that ott?

It looks like even from
the beginning when you were unhappy with him having her as a friend he was unwilling to give her up. He made that choice very early on.
It makes complete sense how you are piecing this all together. And you will get the feeling of denial even though you can now see what’s in front of you.
I think don’t show him you are angry or suspect anything but find out how far this relationship has gone before you confront him. He has no password on his phone as he thinks he’s pulled the wool over your eyes. Prove him wrong.

I’m really sorry OP 😞 it sounds bad. I’m so sorry you’re away with your DC while this is going on. I hope it’s nothing, but it sounds like he’s way too invested in this person who USED to work in the same building as him. They weren’t even colleagues. How long did they work there at the same time and how long has it been since he left? Are they the same age?

Am i being delusional thinking he may be denying his feelings even from himself? It's hard to describe but it feels more like that that active deceit. I'm having quick scrolls at a time though I hate myself for doing it. He got a light spray tan for the first time ever for the holiday as he feels self conscious as he's very pale and there's messages telling her and her laughing saying show her and he's sent a 1 view picture and from her reply, he's just got his trousers on and she was appreciative. I can imagine him joking with one of his male friends like that, but that's not appropriate to send is it?

I’m sorry Op. I agree, he should not have been pursuing a relationship with this woman from the get go. Fighting for her honour when you were right there, ruining your break acting like a love sick puppy. He could’ve had a fancy for her and let it pass because his priority was you and your kids. From what you are saying this doesn’t look good. I hope you have friends and family to support you if this situation is as bad as it looks.

About 3 months. I'm not 200% how old she is, but within a couple of years younger so pretty much the same

He's said to me before that she's his best friend along with his oldest friend from school

If they didn’t work with each other how did they start interacting?

And does he not have many friends so they mean a lot to him?

We net online and he moved here to be with me during covid and stayed so his main friend doesn't live here and the rest are couple friends of mine that were mine first. She's the only friend he's made on his own here

I think the delusion you may have is that the relationship and attachment is all in his head! How can you be sure that nothing has physically happened. He is already having an emotional affair with this woman. she’s a very willing participant, it’s not a one sided thing.

I would be upset if another woman was my partners “best friend” as I view my DP as mine and me his without a doubt! We go to each other first if there is any problem or if we are upset and need support.

And yes wtf is he sending her pics like that and she was appreciative! wrong in so many levels. And familiar ..

Is that what happened in your situation?

He left 2 years ago

Yes I found a pic of her vagina on his phone! She sent it to him! He tried to explain that she sent it as a joke!
She was just so important to him that I checked out at that point . She was also at our wedding and I found her crying and confronted him. I was under no doubt something was happening between those two, I accepted it, did my own thing for 5 years then just left him.
I could only process what was happening by talking to a close friend. You are processing it here.

in terms of familiar I meant that he is too familiar with this female friend . I’ve had make friends in the past but I wouldn’t send them a pic of mean in a bikini unless I fancied them!

Woah that's awful. How on earth would that be a joke?! Why did he stay with you if he wanted her? That's baffling to me

Yes, I am processing on here thankfully. I'm really grateful

Well that offers a type of explanation for the intensity of the friendship then, which is positive

Oh! I see what you mean now, sorry. Yes, it is a very familiar thing to do

Hes taken the dc swimming so I'm glad I've got some time to myself and I'm thinking of other things I've missed and I can remember him discussing a job move with me and him saying he'd told her and got her opinion too. The more I'm remembering the more it seems like a relationship not a friendship. I can't imagine him being attracted to both of us, I'm tall and athletic and she's tiny and curvy, we are completely different everything even ethnicity. That probably sounds a strange thing to focus on but I remember around the beginning thinking we'll if he's with me, she wont be attractive to him. Another embarrassing thing I've remembered is one of my friends meeting him for the first time thought the friend was his wife as she'd seen them in a restaurant together the week before. I laughed it off at the time but to be mistaken for a couple makes me wonder what they look like together alone

I'm sorry if I'm rambling it's like a stream of wtf coming out now I've opened the memory can

I don't understand this - who was grabbing his arm? I thought they were on the phone?

we walked into the living room and saw him, her and our child in his arms asleep and even though there was technically nothing wrong, it looked odd to me but I couldn't put my finger on why. It was almost like my friend and I were one couple, and they were the other

This is very telling, as is your friend's statement that she thought he and his friend were a married couple.

I don't know what I would do in your situation. It never works if you were to say he couldn't see her again. He'd just keep it quiet.

It's one thing if someone has a best friend from years ago, but for him to make a new best female friend now when he's living with you and having children with you is incredibly disrespectful. Aren't you meant to be his best friend?

That quote was about when he defended her when she was insulted, not the call this thread started from

I would speak to your friend and find out exactly how they appeared in the restaurant.

Oh I see, sorry.

So you have children together? You've only been together a few years so the children must be small. I would be really pissed off if my partner went off to a restaurant with his beautiful recently-made best friend while I was looking after the children!

It was about a year ago so it would be too random for me to bring up now without it being asked why I'm asking which I don't want others knowing anything at the moment

I know he goes for meals with her occasionally but I was fine with it as I go for meals with my friends too. I feel like an idiot now

I'd put money on him telling her that you two are only together for the kids. That you don't have sex anymore. Or that he's allowed an open relationship provided she doesn't act that way infront of you as it would 'be awkward'.

You need to chat with her. Something like, 'maybe my minds just whirring Jane but you do know Jim and I are together right? Have been for this whole 6 years. That we don't see other people. To my knowledge anyway. Sorry if its weird of me to say that but your fall out the other day seemed like a couple argument and I just feel I need to check there's nothing more going on. Woman to woman I hope you can be straight with me that ive nothing to worry about'.

Make sure to do it on a call or face to face so she can't text him before she replies to you.

As for when you confronted him initially about this friendship forming and you were not happy, you had EVERY right not to be happy. And to say 'I don't care if its just a friendship. You've just met this person and this makes me very uncomfortable'. And he should have ended things with her right then. Or - you should have left him. Because someone that respects someone ge barely knows more than your marriage, is an asshole who is going to proceed to treat you shaudily.

So what if you have guy friends? I'd bet you didn't start forming one on one friendships with them whilst in this relationship, right? (At least not the kind where you hang out with them alone). Or if you did and your partner called you on it, you'd ve like 'ah, I can see why it might seem inappropriate. I'll back away as although I find them interesting. I certainly wouldn't do anything to make you uncomfortable or to jeopardise our relationship'.