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Original poster

Is this normal? Help

173 replies

Limberinta · 03/05/2024 23:06

I don't know if I'm reading too much into this or not. I'm currently on day 2 of holiday with my dp and kids but my dp is in a foul mood. He had an argument with a friend the day we left and has been really angry and in a horrible mood... Is that a normal reaction? Am I being insensitive or is that ott?

OP posts:
MILTOBE · 04/05/2024 16:52

Limberinta · 04/05/2024 16:37

It was about a year ago so it would be too random for me to bring up now without it being asked why I'm asking which I don't want others knowing anything at the moment

Show quote history

Can you trust your friend to keep quiet if you do ask her about it?

I think going out for a meal with a friend of the same sex is different to going out with a friend of the opposite sex, not if it's a working day lunchtime, but otherwise, especially when it's a new friend, an attractive friend, and you have kids and a partner back home. I'd be really unhappy about this, OP.

Original poster
Limberinta · 04/05/2024 17:26

Well I feel worse as I scrolled back on his phone as he was in the shower after swimming and saw something I don't know how to get my head around. Messages from him saying that if it was between her and me it's a no brainer but he doesn't ever want to wake up and not have his dc little faces to wake up to every single day so he can't do anything to be with her. I feel sick

OP posts:
AnonAnonmystery · 04/05/2024 17:35

I’m so sorry. This is awful, cheating bastard.

churrios · 04/05/2024 17:36

Op, I’m so sorry you are going through this. What age is your youngest? He’s treated you so badly. At least you know now. Do you have support at home? When are you going home?

churrios · 04/05/2024 17:39

Take screenshots or pics on your phone, you might need this evidence if he says it’s all in your head.

AnonAnonmystery · 04/05/2024 17:40

What ever you do, don’t do the pick me dance. What he’s said clarifies his position, he will fight to stay with you only because of DC and this is not good enough! You deserve so much better!

Cactuslove · 04/05/2024 17:50

Limberinta · 04/05/2024 17:26

Well I feel worse as I scrolled back on his phone as he was in the shower after swimming and saw something I don't know how to get my head around. Messages from him saying that if it was between her and me it's a no brainer but he doesn't ever want to wake up and not have his dc little faces to wake up to every single day so he can't do anything to be with her. I feel sick

Oh god. I know that feeling. I'm so sorry @Limberinta I really am. These bloody men.

Sceptical123 · 04/05/2024 17:51

I think he’s scum and he’s not worth your time. The only thing to bear in mind is just bc he’s told her he’d pick her doesn’t mean it’s true, but obv the fact he’s said it indicates a level of intimacy that is wholly unacceptable. It will be interesting to see how he reacts when he is confronted .

Good luck OP 💐 xx

icelolly12 · 04/05/2024 17:56

What did she need to take half a day off work for that he oh so badly needed help with? That's what I'd be most suspicious about.

Original poster
Limberinta · 04/05/2024 18:00

Sceptical123 · 04/05/2024 17:51

I think he’s scum and he’s not worth your time. The only thing to bear in mind is just bc he’s told her he’d pick her doesn’t mean it’s true, but obv the fact he’s said it indicates a level of intimacy that is wholly unacceptable. It will be interesting to see how he reacts when he is confronted .

Good luck OP 💐 xx

After what I've seen of his reactions I believe it is true. There was one saying he was lonely and depressed and settled because we got on and although he doesn't regret the children, he wishes he'd met her first. But that it doesn't matter if he wants to be with her, he has to stay with his family. There were also messages that left me in no doubt of exactly how attracted to her he is. I feel like such an idiot

She really loves him by the sound of it and I've barely scratched the service and ur sounds like the posters who said how obvious it is he loves her were more right than I could've imagined

OP posts:
Everintroverte · 04/05/2024 18:01

So sorry that you are going through this and that you have found out in this way. It sounds like you have been a great partner, trusted him and given him space, and he's completely taken advantage. You deserve so much better.

Take some photos of the messages so you have some 'evidence' later down the line. Take your time and plan what you want to do / say.

Original poster
Limberinta · 04/05/2024 18:02

icelolly12 · 04/05/2024 17:56

What did she need to take half a day off work for that he oh so badly needed help with? That's what I'd be most suspicious about.

I heard all of it, it was nothing weird. That's probably the least concerning part to me now

OP posts:
Sceptical123 · 04/05/2024 18:20

Limberinta · 04/05/2024 18:00

After what I've seen of his reactions I believe it is true. There was one saying he was lonely and depressed and settled because we got on and although he doesn't regret the children, he wishes he'd met her first. But that it doesn't matter if he wants to be with her, he has to stay with his family. There were also messages that left me in no doubt of exactly how attracted to her he is. I feel like such an idiot

She really loves him by the sound of it and I've barely scratched the service and ur sounds like the posters who said how obvious it is he loves her were more right than I could've imagined

Show quote history

God I’m so sorry OP 😢 it’s fucking bloody shit of him. And so bizarre that he never even bothered to lock his phone or conceal it. I know this question gets raises many times on MN but is he Neurodiverse or, you em roomed depression, has he poor mental health? His interactions and over-reactions seem consistently pretty off from what you’ve described, not that that would be all that helpful or any comfort to you now. It may just explain a part of his behaviour, which nevertheless is inexcusable.

MILTOBE · 04/05/2024 18:28

He's a complete idiot and what's more, he thinks you're one too.

How old are your children? I would be very tempted to tell him to go home now and pack up his stuff.

Something similar happened to me when I was on holiday though I didn't really much more than the OW was a colleague until that point. I had to wait weeks to tell him and it really made me ill. It did give me time, though, to sort out finances etc.

It's so awful for you. Just know we are all standing with you right now Flowers

Original poster
Limberinta · 04/05/2024 18:34

MILTOBE · 04/05/2024 18:28

He's a complete idiot and what's more, he thinks you're one too.

How old are your children? I would be very tempted to tell him to go home now and pack up his stuff.

Something similar happened to me when I was on holiday though I didn't really much more than the OW was a colleague until that point. I had to wait weeks to tell him and it really made me ill. It did give me time, though, to sort out finances etc.

It's so awful for you. Just know we are all standing with you right now Flowers

2 and 3

OP posts:
Original poster
Limberinta · 04/05/2024 18:34

Sceptical123 · 04/05/2024 18:20

God I’m so sorry OP 😢 it’s fucking bloody shit of him. And so bizarre that he never even bothered to lock his phone or conceal it. I know this question gets raises many times on MN but is he Neurodiverse or, you em roomed depression, has he poor mental health? His interactions and over-reactions seem consistently pretty off from what you’ve described, not that that would be all that helpful or any comfort to you now. It may just explain a part of his behaviour, which nevertheless is inexcusable.

Show quote history

Yes he is and so is she and he suffers from depression in the last few years

OP posts:
MILTOBE · 04/05/2024 18:41

Well, I'd let her deal with his depression. Honestly, I think you might feel a weight is lifted if you live separately. I wouldn't consider 50:50 though, with children that age.

Sceptical123 · 04/05/2024 18:43

You’ve had such a lot to cope with and this must have come as a real shock to the system, despite suspecting something may have been up before. I think you said you were hesitant involving your friends earlier, before your recent search of his phone. I hope you have family and friends who will support you through this and help you with the journey that lies ahead.

If your partner has depression, then regardless of whether you stay together he should really look at talking to a counsellor or doctor to get himself help. Not only for himself but your children too.

It sounds like this woman was a form of escapism when he was feeling lonely at relocating and she was in the right (wrong) place at the right (wrong) time. You have no idea what he has been telling her but you said she has met your children and she has met you so she has seen you two interact and must know you are on good terms. She has willingly pursued a ‘friendship’ with and attached father of young children and despite him being to blame, obviously, shame on her too. In my book she is equally to blame. There are many single ppl out there and as adults we are capable of making grown up decisions. They both made the wrong one.

Sending you loads of virtual hugs and support, OP. They’re shitty ppl xx

Original poster
Limberinta · 04/05/2024 18:46

MILTOBE · 04/05/2024 18:41

Well, I'd let her deal with his depression. Honestly, I think you might feel a weight is lifted if you live separately. I wouldn't consider 50:50 though, with children that age.

He actually takes care of them now, he took a cut in his hours to be there to look after them 2 days a week. He's a lot of things but he dotes on the dc

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 04/05/2024 18:47

Limberinta · 04/05/2024 18:34

Yes he is and so is she and he suffers from depression in the last few years

Show quote history

Funny how they all 'suffer depression' when they're cheating.

It's a way to stop you asking questions about their odd behaviour.

Also, they often have turned you into the bad guy in their head in order to excuse the infidelity. So they treat you with contempt. But have to somehow excuse it when you cotton on - so they claim depression.

Original poster
Limberinta · 04/05/2024 18:48

Sceptical123 · 04/05/2024 18:43

You’ve had such a lot to cope with and this must have come as a real shock to the system, despite suspecting something may have been up before. I think you said you were hesitant involving your friends earlier, before your recent search of his phone. I hope you have family and friends who will support you through this and help you with the journey that lies ahead.

If your partner has depression, then regardless of whether you stay together he should really look at talking to a counsellor or doctor to get himself help. Not only for himself but your children too.

It sounds like this woman was a form of escapism when he was feeling lonely at relocating and she was in the right (wrong) place at the right (wrong) time. You have no idea what he has been telling her but you said she has met your children and she has met you so she has seen you two interact and must know you are on good terms. She has willingly pursued a ‘friendship’ with and attached father of young children and despite him being to blame, obviously, shame on her too. In my book she is equally to blame. There are many single ppl out there and as adults we are capable of making grown up decisions. They both made the wrong one.

Sending you loads of virtual hugs and support, OP. They’re shitty ppl xx

Thank you. I really don't care about her, I've no idea what he's told her. I saw a message where he described us like room mates who have a business together.

OP posts:
Original poster
Limberinta · 04/05/2024 18:49

Pinkbonbon · 04/05/2024 18:47

Funny how they all 'suffer depression' when they're cheating.

It's a way to stop you asking questions about their odd behaviour.

Also, they often have turned you into the bad guy in their head in order to excuse the infidelity. So they treat you with contempt. But have to somehow excuse it when you cotton on - so they claim depression.

Show quote history

Sorry I wasn't clear. He became depressed a while after they met so now I'm thinking it's because he wanted to be with her and was stuck here

He's not been horrible at all. He's been normal for us, we've never been a touchy feely couple and I thought he was OK with that. Not settling for it as he didn't realise there was a better option for him apparently

I feel so stupid

OP posts:
churrios · 04/05/2024 18:53

When did he take the cut in work hours? Was this him trying to position himself as the main carer so that he gets custody? I don’t have any experience in this area but he is clearly devious and not a good guy. You need expert advice.

churrios · 04/05/2024 18:54

You are not stupid, he is devious.

MILTOBE · 04/05/2024 18:54

I think most people who have affairs reinvent their relationship so that they feel justified in what they're doing. If she hadn't come along he may well have been perfectly happy with you. It's no reflection on you. That's no comfort at this time, though, I know.

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