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Original poster

Is this normal? Help

173 replies

Limberinta · 03/05/2024 23:06

I don't know if I'm reading too much into this or not. I'm currently on day 2 of holiday with my dp and kids but my dp is in a foul mood. He had an argument with a friend the day we left and has been really angry and in a horrible mood... Is that a normal reaction? Am I being insensitive or is that ott?

OP posts:
AnonAnonmystery · 04/05/2024 00:10

Don’t mention anything, listen, observe and investigate just like @Thequeenofwishfulthinking has prescribed! Bloody men, it’s always something to keep us worried and anxious.
Going on holiday instantly makes us wind down but what ever has happened here has really messed with you Hs head, he can’t let it go.

Thequeenofwishfulthinking · 04/05/2024 00:11

@Limberinta I still stand by what I said. I think you need to do some snooping without getting caught.

commonsense12 · 04/05/2024 00:12

Thequeenofwishfulthinking · 04/05/2024 00:11

@Limberinta I still stand by what I said. I think you need to do some snooping without getting caught.

Do not listen to this if you don't want any more problems.

mossylog · 04/05/2024 00:12

Opentooffers · 03/05/2024 23:53

Because a man would not react like that over a male friend ( unless gay).

Men aren't intrinsically more callous though. The fear of seeming effeminate or gay for having strong feelings drilled in from a young age is part of why so many straight men are shit at maintaining friendships or recognising their emotions.

Thequeenofwishfulthinking · 04/05/2024 00:17

@commonsense12 so what do you think she should do instead?
He’s not going to admit any inappropriate feelings or actions.
What wrong with checking joint bank accounts etc? I think you have read a small portion of what I’ve posted. Maybe I should havs said investigate not snooping though.

Original poster
Limberinta · 04/05/2024 00:18

fuckssaaaaake · 04/05/2024 00:09

Nah it's just coz a woman has the cheek to call him out! He can't believe a pathetic little woman would dare to.

Um, no. He doesn't hate women 🤨

OP posts:
AnonAnonmystery · 04/05/2024 00:18

Limberinta · 04/05/2024 00:08

Do you think it's possible he doesn't even realise that? He's quite closed off from his feelings in general but no one seems to be able to make him angrier than her.... Or about her (someone insulted her at an event and he went apeshit, angrier than I've ever seen him)

Show quote history

This is quite a key detail - she’s able to get to him emotionally. Is she a work friend?

Original poster
Limberinta · 04/05/2024 00:20

AnonAnonmystery · 04/05/2024 00:18

This is quite a key detail - she’s able to get to him emotionally. Is she a work friend?

Show quote history

No, they worked in the same building briefly but stayed friends after he left

Key detail?

OP posts:
AnonAnonmystery · 04/05/2024 00:23

The key detail is your H getting so angry when someone insulted her. It’s questionable why he’s so protective of her. Has he had the same reaction with you if you’ve been in the same situation?

AtrociousCircumstance · 04/05/2024 00:23

He loves her deeply and she’s extremely important to him. It’s too much. It sounds like he’s in love with her OP, I’m sorry.

Original poster
Limberinta · 04/05/2024 00:27

AtrociousCircumstance · 04/05/2024 00:23

He loves her deeply and she’s extremely important to him. It’s too much. It sounds like he’s in love with her OP, I’m sorry.

Is that not a big jump to that? Even if he was saying how dare she speak to him like that etc?

OP posts:
PoppingTomorrow · 04/05/2024 00:29

Tbh if you're on holiday together for a week (or even a weekend) and his stewing is affecting you /the kids then you should be able to bring that up with him and ask him to reset his mood/behaviour anyway, whether this was off the back of an argument with a female friend or his footie team doing badly.

You don't need to use it as an opportunity to find out more about their friendship/the argument, but you could. I suspect his reaction might tell you a bit.

AtrociousCircumstance · 04/05/2024 00:29

Maybe but…going apeshit to protect her is a very powerful emotional response, and this level of distress and anger over a disagreement is too intense and central to his mood.

Redshoeblueshoe · 04/05/2024 00:29

I said an hour ago - they are in a relationship.

Otherwise he wouldn't care

AnonAnonmystery · 04/05/2024 00:30

I think what ever the relationship is here, this woman maybe highly manipulative and toxic. why would someone insult her at an event? Why can she draw strong reactions from people?

Original poster
Limberinta · 04/05/2024 00:32

AnonAnonmystery · 04/05/2024 00:23

The key detail is your H getting so angry when someone insulted her. It’s questionable why he’s so protective of her. Has he had the same reaction with you if you’ve been in the same situation?

Much as I begrudge admitting this after the consensus on this thread, she is extremely attractive and someone drunk insulted her about that. I did say to him at the time that I've never seen him thst angry. I've never been in the situation where someone's insulted me like that thankfully

Even if the emotion is negative, like anger, you still think it means something about his feelings for her?

OP posts:
Original poster
Limberinta · 04/05/2024 00:32

PoppingTomorrow · 04/05/2024 00:29

Tbh if you're on holiday together for a week (or even a weekend) and his stewing is affecting you /the kids then you should be able to bring that up with him and ask him to reset his mood/behaviour anyway, whether this was off the back of an argument with a female friend or his footie team doing badly.

You don't need to use it as an opportunity to find out more about their friendship/the argument, but you could. I suspect his reaction might tell you a bit.

I have asked.. He's just said he's fine

OP posts:
Original poster
Limberinta · 04/05/2024 00:35

AnonAnonmystery · 04/05/2024 00:30

I think what ever the relationship is here, this woman maybe highly manipulative and toxic. why would someone insult her at an event? Why can she draw strong reactions from people?

From the argument, he had actually done the thing she said he had and the insult was from a drunk that she didn't deserve either, I was there at the time for that too. So no manipulation or toxicity, it's his reactions that are now concerning me

OP posts:
AnonAnonmystery · 04/05/2024 00:36

Limberinta · 04/05/2024 00:32

Much as I begrudge admitting this after the consensus on this thread, she is extremely attractive and someone drunk insulted her about that. I did say to him at the time that I've never seen him thst angry. I've never been in the situation where someone's insulted me like that thankfully

Even if the emotion is negative, like anger, you still think it means something about his feelings for her?

Show quote history

Yes of course … my DP would go mad if someone insulted me and he’s normally very chilled. It’s the emotion behind the anger … think about it..and the circumstance.
He is effectively defending her honour, protecting her, making her feel safe.
These are things that should be exclusive to you. I’m really sorry, this is not something easy to listen to and I know you are trying to deflect it as this is your life and your husband.

Pinkbonbon · 04/05/2024 00:42

I don't think there's anything wrong with getting angry at someone who insulted your friend.

However, I too had the instinct this was a woman friend before you said it op.

My suspicion would be either there's something going on between them more than friendship...or he wants there to be. Perhaps she's shot him down recently and maybe he's suddenly not interested in pretending to be her friend anymore. And she's called him out on that (or some similar nastiness).

And the him acting all affronted thing...is just him being 'extra', so as to paint her as the bad guy who is 'crazy' if she says anything to you about him putting the moves on her.

Original poster
Limberinta · 04/05/2024 00:52

AnonAnonmystery · 04/05/2024 00:36

Yes of course … my DP would go mad if someone insulted me and he’s normally very chilled. It’s the emotion behind the anger … think about it..and the circumstance.
He is effectively defending her honour, protecting her, making her feel safe.
These are things that should be exclusive to you. I’m really sorry, this is not something easy to listen to and I know you are trying to deflect it as this is your life and your husband.

Show quote history

That is what it felt like. I was in a different room and he was shouting so loud I heard him

OP posts:
Loubelle70 · 04/05/2024 00:55

Limberinta · 04/05/2024 00:08

Do you think it's possible he doesn't even realise that? He's quite closed off from his feelings in general but no one seems to be able to make him angrier than her.... Or about her (someone insulted her at an event and he went apeshit, angrier than I've ever seen him)

Show quote history

He may not realise but others will see it...you for instance. If he's protecting her in that instance at a party... he's emotionally invested in her...and nit in a friend way if you haven't seen him that angry..being your husband and all

Loubelle70 · 04/05/2024 00:58

Limberinta · 04/05/2024 00:06

So that fits my depth of feeling vs depth of reaction when fighting then

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It means that my ex loved me but wouldn't have been affected that intensely if we had fallen out...he must be invested emotionally for it to affect him this long...i wonder if he is this upset and for this long when you and him fall out? If not..you need to tell him that. Why upset so much over her when if we fall out you dont give a shit? Sorta thing

PoppingTomorrow · 04/05/2024 00:59

Limberinta · 04/05/2024 00:32

I have asked.. He's just said he's fine

Show quote history

But if he's being off in a way that impacts you or the kids then he's not fine. Eg

"I know I asked earlier about X and you said you're fine. But you're being snappy with the kids/being off with me/not yourself, and that's not OK. Do you need 5 minutes to check in with yourself so you can reset so we can all have a nice time together?"

Or whatever sounds less wanky.

Mmhmmn · 04/05/2024 01:01

Ask him what has affected his mood so badly that he is ruining your holiday. Not on. Needs calling out.