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Original poster

Is this normal? Help

173 replies

Limberinta · 03/05/2024 23:06

I don't know if I'm reading too much into this or not. I'm currently on day 2 of holiday with my dp and kids but my dp is in a foul mood. He had an argument with a friend the day we left and has been really angry and in a horrible mood... Is that a normal reaction? Am I being insensitive or is that ott?

OP posts:
Catoo · 04/05/2024 12:02

OP he is too close to this friend. When he left that work place did he also stay in touch with ugly Gary from accounts? Or just this attractive woman? What do they have in common that keeps them in touch?

He’s angry with himself because he has upset someone he wants to be close to. He wonders if he’s blown it. He can’t go and see her to apologise properly because he’s away. He is prioritising his feelings for her over you and the family. I would not stand for one more minute of it.

If he’s still ruining the holiday I would actually have to say something. Like, you have been unhappy all holiday because of this and it really isn’t on. When we get back let’s discuss why you have put this over the happiness of your family but for now please pull yourself together enough to enjoy time together as a family.

I’d also be embarrassed that he had wasted someone’s annual leave in that way. But also wary that she was prepared to do whatever it was that you couldn’t help out with etc.

Did you scroll back through their messages? Or were they deleted?

Original poster
Limberinta · 04/05/2024 12:23

Catoo · 04/05/2024 12:02

OP he is too close to this friend. When he left that work place did he also stay in touch with ugly Gary from accounts? Or just this attractive woman? What do they have in common that keeps them in touch?

He’s angry with himself because he has upset someone he wants to be close to. He wonders if he’s blown it. He can’t go and see her to apologise properly because he’s away. He is prioritising his feelings for her over you and the family. I would not stand for one more minute of it.

If he’s still ruining the holiday I would actually have to say something. Like, you have been unhappy all holiday because of this and it really isn’t on. When we get back let’s discuss why you have put this over the happiness of your family but for now please pull yourself together enough to enjoy time together as a family.

I’d also be embarrassed that he had wasted someone’s annual leave in that way. But also wary that she was prepared to do whatever it was that you couldn’t help out with etc.

Did you scroll back through their messages? Or were they deleted?

No, he didn't stay in touch with anyone else. They seem to have a lot in common and just gel very well.

He's angry with himself because...

Do you really think that's the reason, he's lashing out being angry at her because he's upset her?

He's still not quite himself but I can see he's a bit quieter and a bit more stressed.

I only had a quick look as I didn't want to look at his phone but this morning I woke up first so had a glance. At first there was no notifications other than his brother so I thought there was nothing but I went into WhatsApp and he messaged her back last night after the last person she wants to fight with, he told her to leave him alone for a bit as he's angry with her and needs to calm down but they'll be fine and she replied with a heart and that she hopes he has a nice time. If the message doesn't come up a notification, is she muted?

OP posts:
Original poster
Limberinta · 04/05/2024 12:26

AnonAnonmystery · 04/05/2024 11:51

Sorry me saying you should care is wrong of me. But I would care if this was my Dp and as my ex H had this kind of relationship and turned out he was actually shagging her while bringing her into our house as a friend, she even babysat both our kids and they are still together now! I was the cool wife until I got my suspicions and it was too late. I was lucky as I wasn’t devastated as I’d really cooled from him anyway as he was always arguing with me!

I see why you said what you said now and I'm sorry that happened to you. I meant I don't care about her age/relationship status etc as their irrelevant to me.

Can I ask, do you think your husband doubled down bringing her around your kids and you as he was denying to himself she was more than a friend to him and he was in love with her (before they started sleeping together of course)?

OP posts:
AnonAnonmystery · 04/05/2024 12:56

@Limberinta i think it was because he was a sneaky bastard tbh. I didn’t see her as a threat at first as she was 7 years older, geeky and not Attractive. But she became so important to him.

Don’t be sorry for me, DP loves me in a way I never experienced in my marriage and I wasn’t devastated as I’d stopped loving him long ago. I feel lucky like that as so many posters come on here in state of devastation.

But anyway, I am concerned for you as even last night he is messaging her and giving her assurance that they will be fine. telling her to leave him alone for a bit to cool down - it’s something you do in a romantic relationship too . I would go back into his phone at the next opportunity and scroll up. It sounds like he’s got her on mute - is there a little symbol there on their chat? Prob if he’s messaging her late at night doesn’t want it to disturb you or for banner messages to pop up on his phone.
I mean this in the kindest way but please don’t be naive x

AnonAnonmystery · 04/05/2024 12:56

Feel free to dm me if you need a sounding board x

Original poster
Limberinta · 04/05/2024 13:00

AnonAnonmystery · 04/05/2024 12:56

@Limberinta i think it was because he was a sneaky bastard tbh. I didn’t see her as a threat at first as she was 7 years older, geeky and not Attractive. But she became so important to him.

Don’t be sorry for me, DP loves me in a way I never experienced in my marriage and I wasn’t devastated as I’d stopped loving him long ago. I feel lucky like that as so many posters come on here in state of devastation.

But anyway, I am concerned for you as even last night he is messaging her and giving her assurance that they will be fine. telling her to leave him alone for a bit to cool down - it’s something you do in a romantic relationship too . I would go back into his phone at the next opportunity and scroll up. It sounds like he’s got her on mute - is there a little symbol there on their chat? Prob if he’s messaging her late at night doesn’t want it to disturb you or for banner messages to pop up on his phone.
I mean this in the kindest way but please don’t be naive x

Thank you, I appreciate that

Yes, there was a symbol so he's got her on mute.... Is that not a negative sign, or am I being naive and its so her messages don't flash up on the lock screen?

That doesn't sound like something you'd say to a friend, does it, leave me alone to calm down? Wtf would you even need to calm down from that?

OP posts:
AnonAnonmystery · 04/05/2024 13:03

Limberinta · 04/05/2024 13:00

Thank you, I appreciate that

Yes, there was a symbol so he's got her on mute.... Is that not a negative sign, or am I being naive and its so her messages don't flash up on the lock screen?

That doesn't sound like something you'd say to a friend, does it, leave me alone to calm down? Wtf would you even need to calm down from that?

Show quote history

Yes it’s the latter in relation to her messages not popping up. If he had nothing to hide why not let them pop up. You are an intelligent woman so just have your wits about you now. One too many red flags now, the more you look the more you are finding 😔

ginasevern · 04/05/2024 13:13

So he was furious when someone insulted her, she been a great "support" to him and they only worked briefly in the same building? Sorry but he wants into her pants. Whether he's gone there yet, who knows. C'mon OP, this isn't a friendship is it.

Thequeenofwishfulthinking · 04/05/2024 13:17

Please feel free to PM me too OP.

Original poster
Limberinta · 04/05/2024 13:43

Thequeenofwishfulthinking · 04/05/2024 13:17

Please feel free to PM me too OP.

Thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
Limberinta · 04/05/2024 13:46

AnonAnonmystery · 04/05/2024 13:03

Yes it’s the latter in relation to her messages not popping up. If he had nothing to hide why not let them pop up. You are an intelligent woman so just have your wits about you now. One too many red flags now, the more you look the more you are finding 😔

Show quote history

Part of me wants to think it's because he doesn't want to talk to her but I know that's ridiculous because it wouldn't matter if they flashed up then. There's no other logical explanation for having her muted, is there?

OP posts:
Sceptical123 · 04/05/2024 13:58

Limberinta · 04/05/2024 00:08

Do you think it's possible he doesn't even realise that? He's quite closed off from his feelings in general but no one seems to be able to make him angrier than her.... Or about her (someone insulted her at an event and he went apeshit, angrier than I've ever seen him)

Show quote history

Angrier than you’ve ever made him during heated/passionate arguments?

That’s alarm bells - sorry OP

Original poster
Limberinta · 04/05/2024 14:11

Sceptical123 · 04/05/2024 13:58

Angrier than you’ve ever made him during heated/passionate arguments?

That’s alarm bells - sorry OP

Show quote history

Angrier than I've ever seen him in the 6 years we've been together. Even she looked surprised at his level of anger and was grabbing his arm trying to get him to sit back down as everyone was looking. It woke our youngest. He said it was because the person was being so disrespectful but couldn't explain why he got as angry as he did

OP posts:
AnonAnonmystery · 04/05/2024 14:18

Limberinta · 04/05/2024 13:46

Part of me wants to think it's because he doesn't want to talk to her but I know that's ridiculous because it wouldn't matter if they flashed up then. There's no other logical explanation for having her muted, is there?

Show quote history

I’m sorry … I know you’ve come in here looking for assurance but you have gone and dived deeper into their relationship and you are finding more and more worrying signs.

What makes it worse is you’ve had a false sense of security as he hasn’t tried to hide her as friend. He’s been open with you about that part which has given his the freedom to do what ever he’s done as you have trusted him if he’s said he’s been spending time with her.

How has your relationship been in time they have been friends. Has there been less intimacy?

Original poster
Limberinta · 04/05/2024 14:23

AnonAnonmystery · 04/05/2024 14:18

I’m sorry … I know you’ve come in here looking for assurance but you have gone and dived deeper into their relationship and you are finding more and more worrying signs.

What makes it worse is you’ve had a false sense of security as he hasn’t tried to hide her as friend. He’s been open with you about that part which has given his the freedom to do what ever he’s done as you have trusted him if he’s said he’s been spending time with her.

How has your relationship been in time they have been friends. Has there been less intimacy?

Show quote history

There's never been loads, we aren't that kind of couple but I've never been concerned because from the beginning that's not something he seemed to care about. We've been together 6 years and he's know her just over 2

OP posts:
Original poster
Limberinta · 04/05/2024 14:42

I'm getting annoyed now reading back a few things I've said. Why does she effect him so much?!

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 04/05/2024 14:55

Tbh...I understand long term friendships but I don't see why a married man should be making close friendships with new women when married.

Maybe within group scenarios like everyone from a hobby group hanging out after and some happen to be women... but I wouldn't dream of forming a new close personal friendship with a man if I had a husband. Its not appropriate imo. Not remotely.

I mean did you not say something like 'what the fuck are you playing at?' In the beginning when he started gallivanting with her? Or was it appropriate at the start? (Eg she was just someone he hung out with as part of a larger group. Or, your friend too).

Pinkbonbon · 04/05/2024 15:00

*sorry, partner, not husband. But same thing applies.

I would have dumped my partner in a heartbeat if he started hanging out with another women 4 years into our relationship

Original poster
Limberinta · 04/05/2024 15:12

Pinkbonbon · 04/05/2024 14:55

Tbh...I understand long term friendships but I don't see why a married man should be making close friendships with new women when married.

Maybe within group scenarios like everyone from a hobby group hanging out after and some happen to be women... but I wouldn't dream of forming a new close personal friendship with a man if I had a husband. Its not appropriate imo. Not remotely.

I mean did you not say something like 'what the fuck are you playing at?' In the beginning when he started gallivanting with her? Or was it appropriate at the start? (Eg she was just someone he hung out with as part of a larger group. Or, your friend too).

Edited

We aren't married

I was suspicious initially as he talked about her a lot and I insisted on meeting her and we did fight about her but he said they are just friends and he's obviously not going anywhere as we have children. I have male friends too so I can't say he can't do that as that would be hypocritical. I did meet her and didn't see anything alarming but we are complete opposites.

One thing I didn't like was when she came over to help him with some work and I asked for his help with our youngest and he said that the friend will come and get them and often passes her the youngest one. I was sitting with a female friend in the kitchen and we walked into the living room and saw him, her and our child in his arms asleep and even though there was technically nothing wrong, it looked odd to me but I couldn't put my finger on why. It was almost like my friend and I were one couple, and they were the other.

I know I probably sound silly but I actually think he is denying feeling whatever for her or not admitting it to himself so he's not the bad guy. His parents split up when he was a child and he has always said he never wanted that for his

OP posts:
AtrociousCircumstance · 04/05/2024 15:15

It’s all kinds of wrong, he is being incredibly disloyal and obviously has very deep feelings for her. I couldn’t be in a relationship like this, you’re being demeaned and downgraded and frankly taken for a fool. He is behaving as if he has zero respect for you. I would be furious, and it would be a deal breaker.

Original poster
Limberinta · 04/05/2024 15:19

AtrociousCircumstance · 04/05/2024 15:15

It’s all kinds of wrong, he is being incredibly disloyal and obviously has very deep feelings for her. I couldn’t be in a relationship like this, you’re being demeaned and downgraded and frankly taken for a fool. He is behaving as if he has zero respect for you. I would be furious, and it would be a deal breaker.

Was that reacting to the op or everything I just said?

OP posts:
AtrociousCircumstance · 04/05/2024 15:21

It’s in response to every single post you’ve written OP.

JustCleaningtheBBQ · 04/05/2024 15:22

It's making me think of this thread OP. Different context to how they met though.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4514006-My-husband-loves-someone-else-as-well-as-me

My husband loves someone else as well as me www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4514006-My-husband-loves-someone-else-as-well-as-me

Original poster
Limberinta · 04/05/2024 15:23

AtrociousCircumstance · 04/05/2024 15:21

It’s in response to every single post you’ve written OP.

I don't think I've really took it in properly til writing it down here as everything has been in front of me and out in the open if that makes sense

OP posts:
AtrociousCircumstance · 04/05/2024 15:25

It makes complete sense, I’m sorry you’re in this situation.