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Original poster

Is this normal? Help

173 replies

Limberinta · 03/05/2024 23:06

I don't know if I'm reading too much into this or not. I'm currently on day 2 of holiday with my dp and kids but my dp is in a foul mood. He had an argument with a friend the day we left and has been really angry and in a horrible mood... Is that a normal reaction? Am I being insensitive or is that ott?

OP posts:
Original poster
Limberinta · 04/05/2024 01:02

PoppingTomorrow · 04/05/2024 00:59

But if he's being off in a way that impacts you or the kids then he's not fine. Eg

"I know I asked earlier about X and you said you're fine. But you're being snappy with the kids/being off with me/not yourself, and that's not OK. Do you need 5 minutes to check in with yourself so you can reset so we can all have a nice time together?"

Or whatever sounds less wanky.

Show quote history

The end bit made me laugh, thank you. I've asked a few times and the only response I get is he's fine and there's nothing wrong. To push anymore would be pointless, he's that closed off he may really think he's acting fine

OP posts:
SnowFrogJelly · 04/05/2024 01:05

Sounds really odd if she's just a friend.. must be more to it?

Original poster
Limberinta · 04/05/2024 01:05

Loubelle70 · 04/05/2024 00:55

He may not realise but others will see it...you for instance. If he's protecting her in that instance at a party... he's emotionally invested in her...and nit in a friend way if you haven't seen him that angry..being your husband and all

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I did actually find it a bit embarrassing as a lot of my friends were there

I don't know if he's angry about the argument or that he's upset her or what but I guess any aren't great options

OP posts:
PoppingTomorrow · 04/05/2024 01:06

Limberinta · 04/05/2024 01:02

The end bit made me laugh, thank you. I've asked a few times and the only response I get is he's fine and there's nothing wrong. To push anymore would be pointless, he's that closed off he may really think he's acting fine

Show quote history

You know him best and you're the one right there. But whatever the cause, I think we should be able to nudge the people close to use to "snap out of it". He feels fine? - fine. He doesn't want to talk about it? - fine. But he has to "show up" properly or at least doesn't get to dial it in for days on end.

Original poster
Limberinta · 04/05/2024 01:10

He's asleep so I just quickly looked at his phone and she's sent a text apologising and said she got so angry because he was minimising her feelings and he replied saying he needs to calm down and but hell be fine and she replied that he's the last person she ever wants to fight with. Does that sound friendly?

OP posts:
Loubelle70 · 04/05/2024 01:15

Limberinta · 04/05/2024 01:10

He's asleep so I just quickly looked at his phone and she's sent a text apologising and said she got so angry because he was minimising her feelings and he replied saying he needs to calm down and but hell be fine and she replied that he's the last person she ever wants to fight with. Does that sound friendly?

Edited

It sounds normal but...has this happened before..does she blow up and over react...drama queen style? I wouldnt check his phone personally but I'd ask him why its affected him for so long when if he falls out with everyone else he doesn't have this reaction

Original poster
Limberinta · 04/05/2024 01:20

Loubelle70 · 04/05/2024 01:15

It sounds normal but...has this happened before..does she blow up and over react...drama queen style? I wouldnt check his phone personally but I'd ask him why its affected him for so long when if he falls out with everyone else he doesn't have this reaction

Show quote history

No, I wish I could say yes but I've never heard her say a cross word to him before and they get on very well. She's been a big support to him

OP posts:
AnnieSF · 04/05/2024 04:19

You said you heard the fight? It was on speaker phone? Did she know you were there ? Does he see her alone ever? Does she socialise with you and him?

Original poster
Limberinta · 04/05/2024 06:25

I did as it was on video call. No she didn't know I was there. Yes and no, she's just his friend

OP posts:
Cactuslove · 04/05/2024 07:39

We're there any texts before that? I'd trust your instincts - if it's making you feel uncomfortable that's OK. But he bad the video call jn front of you. He stuck up for her in front of you. He's obviously not locking his phone etc. Doesnt seem like he's being super secretive which has been my experience when someone is cheating. I don't think I'd be panicking if I was you but I also probably would feel a bit uncomfortable if that makes sense.

AnonAnonmystery · 04/05/2024 07:51

Cactuslove · 04/05/2024 07:39

We're there any texts before that? I'd trust your instincts - if it's making you feel uncomfortable that's OK. But he bad the video call jn front of you. He stuck up for her in front of you. He's obviously not locking his phone etc. Doesnt seem like he's being super secretive which has been my experience when someone is cheating. I don't think I'd be panicking if I was you but I also probably would feel a bit uncomfortable if that makes sense.

This may be true but I think @Limberinta this is when you need to start putting some distance between your H and this woman.
She is becoming too central and important to him and there is only room
for one woman in his life, YOU!

Make him choose and the answer will be obvious!

I’m not from the cool wives club, I need to be number one in my DPs life!

You don’t have to do it on holiday but it needs to be addressed.
She as a woman must surely think she is testing your boundaries? Doesn’t she know how to behave with a married man? Does she care? is she using her attractiveness to manipulate your H by playing the pretty card?

She needs to back the fuck off as so does your H! Don’t be so accommodating!

Cactuslove · 04/05/2024 08:00

AnonAnonmystery · 04/05/2024 07:51

This may be true but I think @Limberinta this is when you need to start putting some distance between your H and this woman.
She is becoming too central and important to him and there is only room
for one woman in his life, YOU!

Make him choose and the answer will be obvious!

I’m not from the cool wives club, I need to be number one in my DPs life!

You don’t have to do it on holiday but it needs to be addressed.
She as a woman must surely think she is testing your boundaries? Doesn’t she know how to behave with a married man? Does she care? is she using her attractiveness to manipulate your H by playing the pretty card?

She needs to back the fuck off as so does your H! Don’t be so accommodating!

Show quote history

I'm not from the cool wives club. Currently a single parent due to a cheating ex. I've been through years of hell and I have not and I will not accept shitty behaviour from men.

However I am a runinator. I am someone who feels deep. I am someone with male colleagues and friends that I would hate to fall out with and I am someone who would feel upset on a family holiday if I'd had an argument with a friend regardless of their gender that was unresolved.

OP as I've said I would trust your instincts and if you feel uncomfortable then that's definitely a conversation worth having with your other half. But I also think it's heartening that this is playing out in front of you and he's not being really secretive so I wouldn't be jumping from a to z just yet. I think I would take a watch and wait approach. I would be checking his phone every now and again and see if anything develops.

Opentooffers · 04/05/2024 08:15

@Limberinta I don't think the fact that she was taking him to task about being disrespectful changes that he is overly upset by it, and she was showing high emotions too.
So, if he has been ranting about it, do you know what, she saw as him being disrespectful, was over? Because omitting the reason while ranting, is deliberately hiding it, anyone going over an issue usually wants affirmation that they are in the right by spilling all the details to you. Likewise he avoided defending his stance as you were in the room, so was stuck and put the phone down.

Giraffesandbottoms · 04/05/2024 09:03

It’s just seedy, isn’t it? I also think things like 50 shades of grey are seedy too though. It was a book about sex, and people were reading it in public and I am not sure what the point was if not to get some sexual thrill. Same with Tik tok videos of boobs etc.

but then I also think porn is seedy.

i understand men and women “in the wild” seeing other men and women and finding them attractive. But I think actively seeking out sources to be attracted by is a bit disrespectful. I’ve never needed or been attracted to someone other than my husband but then we have only been married 8 years so maybe in another 10 who knows. I just think it’s a bit of a slippery slope tbh. If you seek this stuff out it’s only going in one direction.

Original poster
Limberinta · 04/05/2024 09:08

Opentooffers · 04/05/2024 08:15

@Limberinta I don't think the fact that she was taking him to task about being disrespectful changes that he is overly upset by it, and she was showing high emotions too.
So, if he has been ranting about it, do you know what, she saw as him being disrespectful, was over? Because omitting the reason while ranting, is deliberately hiding it, anyone going over an issue usually wants affirmation that they are in the right by spilling all the details to you. Likewise he avoided defending his stance as you were in the room, so was stuck and put the phone down.

He asked her to put herself out for him to do something and she did (take half a day's leave to do it on the day needed) and didn't give an exact time then didn't respond to her texts till the night time as a neighbour had solved his problem for him. She was furious he'd been so disrespectful with her time and his thought a sorry would fix it. Bit more to it but that's the crux. So I agree with her, he was wrong

He said he was getting angry himself so hung up on her

OP posts:
Original poster
Limberinta · 04/05/2024 09:09

Giraffesandbottoms · 04/05/2024 09:03

It’s just seedy, isn’t it? I also think things like 50 shades of grey are seedy too though. It was a book about sex, and people were reading it in public and I am not sure what the point was if not to get some sexual thrill. Same with Tik tok videos of boobs etc.

but then I also think porn is seedy.

i understand men and women “in the wild” seeing other men and women and finding them attractive. But I think actively seeking out sources to be attracted by is a bit disrespectful. I’ve never needed or been attracted to someone other than my husband but then we have only been married 8 years so maybe in another 10 who knows. I just think it’s a bit of a slippery slope tbh. If you seek this stuff out it’s only going in one direction.

What?

OP posts:
Giraffesandbottoms · 04/05/2024 09:12

Limberinta · 04/05/2024 09:09

What?

Show quote history

Sorry I have totally posted on the wrong thread! Apologies everyone! 🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️

Giraffesandbottoms · 04/05/2024 09:13

and Op I suspect your husband has feelings for his friend

Original poster
Limberinta · 04/05/2024 09:20

Giraffesandbottoms · 04/05/2024 09:13

and Op I suspect your husband has feelings for his friend

Because of his reaction? Or all of it?

OP posts:
AnonAnonmystery · 04/05/2024 09:45

I think all of it is a bit intense with this friend.

Original poster
Limberinta · 04/05/2024 09:49

AnonAnonmystery · 04/05/2024 09:45

I think all of it is a bit intense with this friend.

That's how it feels seeing his reaction. All he's said was he didn't realise she took it off because he asked her to help him and thought she'd be doing other things. He can be unintentionally thoughtless

OP posts:
AnonAnonmystery · 04/05/2024 11:18

I think you need to put some distance beywee
them, As an idea, I would only take a half day off to help my kids, Dp and his kids or my parents and immediate family.
Days off are sacred so your H is high on her priority list. why is she not with someone if she’s so attractive? Is she older / younger? Do you view her as a kind person of differently to that.
Try and enjoy of your break, address it to him when back and of course come back here and let us know your thoughts.

Original poster
Limberinta · 04/05/2024 11:36

AnonAnonmystery · 04/05/2024 11:18

I think you need to put some distance beywee
them, As an idea, I would only take a half day off to help my kids, Dp and his kids or my parents and immediate family.
Days off are sacred so your H is high on her priority list. why is she not with someone if she’s so attractive? Is she older / younger? Do you view her as a kind person of differently to that.
Try and enjoy of your break, address it to him when back and of course come back here and let us know your thoughts.

Putting distance between them isn't my job. If he wants to be with her, he can, I'm not fighting over him if he doesn't want to be here

I don't know if she is or isn't with anyone. She's been perfectly nice when I've seen her, he only ever says nice things about her. I don't really care about her in this, I just care about his reactions regarding her

OP posts:
AnonAnonmystery · 04/05/2024 11:48

You should care about her in this due to his reaction, it’s interlinked and it’s worried you. I agree it should not be your job to keep things in check. Worrying without any action on your part? Things might be ok but they might not be if they carry on in this intense way? Not sure if you’ve ever considered it may already be an emotional affair.

AnonAnonmystery · 04/05/2024 11:51

Sorry me saying you should care is wrong of me. But I would care if this was my Dp and as my ex H had this kind of relationship and turned out he was actually shagging her while bringing her into our house as a friend, she even babysat both our kids and they are still together now! I was the cool wife until I got my suspicions and it was too late. I was lucky as I wasn’t devastated as I’d really cooled from him anyway as he was always arguing with me!