Can someone give a handhold? Partner tried to ruin my trip

[Random100]

Partner has a habit of ruining things. Any special occasion he kicks off to try and spoil it. He’s very childish in nature, tantrums a lot etc etc. I know I need to leave him.

I have been staying at his for a few days so has a few belongings at his. I’m off on holiday this morning with a friend and he’s been kicking off in the lead up to it. He has said multiple times he would take me to the airport, I paid for a tank full of fuel this evening as it’s double the distance that my house is from the airport.

He’s been making snide comments that I must hate him this evening. I went to bed early to try and get some sleep and he joined me not long after. All of a sudden he launched out of bed, screamed at me that I was making him physically uncomfortable in bed and stormed off, shouting his head off. I was in tears at this point.

He has just declared I must go to the airport by myself now and that he’s not taking me. He wants my belongings out the house too.

Sat in tears looking at an Uber costing me 90 quid.

Oh this is awful for you, could he have any copies of your keys? Even if you didn't give him a spare, did he have opportunity? I'd be tempted to have the locks changed, and definitely put up security cameras/ring doorbell.

Please email your line manager today.

Explain what you told us, that you're embarrassed about bringing this matter into work. Sharing how this is making you feel is an essential part of getting help.

Copy every one of your own posts into a doc on your phone - they're an excellent record of what's happened over the last few days and the threats he's made. That will be a good basis for your email.

Having it in writing will be a useful trail to show what you did at work, and to record the help you've asked for.

Maybe text them too to say 'I've emailed you with a problem, I need your help, when you've read it can you call me so we can discuss?'

Remember that supporting you in a crisis is part of a line manager's job!

Well done for jumping in that cab

You have taken some really important and brave steps so well done. Please consider contacting Womens Aid who can offer lots of advice and support and even a place in a refuge to keep you safe if needed. They are a fantastic organisation and work with the Police and lawyers and will often accompany victims to court and Police interviews.

Nothing much to add, other than hope you're OK, and sending best wishes. Take care of yourself, and don't be embarrassed to speak to someone at work about it all. xx

Excellent advice

I posted above without having seen OP's updates so hadn't realised she was already back here

I am so sorry that you are going through this OP, I'm sending you a big hug

Well done OP.
Nightmare now, but you'll come through this and THANK yourself in time. Omg you'll be relived.

Well done for doing a Claire's law request.

Spend a few nights with your friends.
Keep the police updated.
Spend another few nights with someone else if you feel comfortable to share what's going on/cheap hotel.

In time and when ready, please have a look at the Freedom Programme. It's absolutely fantastic and very validating and empowering. I'm a psychotherapist and I regularly signpost clients here.

Can your flat be accessed from outside? As in, is the front door on the street? If so, I’d secure the letter box, for your flatmate’s safety.

I don't think op can do a Claires law request as she's no longer with him. But the police will look I to all that stuff anyway now she's reported him for his threats.

No, but if she reports him for DV now and there is a history they might make a disclosure at their own discretion for the purpose of safeguarding OP

His messages are all evidence - you need a restraining order.

Warn your flatmate, please. I'd be scared shitless if some ranting ex of a flatmate showed up at my home.

Flatmate knows, I’ve let them know.

Just updating to say I’m at my friends and will stay here for a couple days.

Police said they’d be in touch but I’ve not heard anything yet, still early days obviously so o didn’t think I’d hear anything.

What a nightmare. I'm glad you're away from this freak.

Glad you are safe OP, he is seriously unhinged and I genuinely believe you have had a close and lucky escape!

Keep moving forward and looking to the future. Big unmumsnetty hugs. 💐

@Random100

Think about it, he's on the verge of eviction and he's been turning down all your offers of help in finding a new place. Now why would he do that? Because chances are he was silently banking on moving in with you, that's why. No wonder he's spitting nails. You've just ruined his 'back up plan' in case he's actually evicted.

It doesn't matter that you never offered, it doesn't even matter if you specifically said that wouldn't happen. Or that you have a roommate. He is a controlling prick and not used to having his plans 'crossed' or 'thwarted'. In his mind, he would be moving in if the need arose. He was ban

I'm glad your mutual friend took it on themself to contact the police on your behalf.

Is there a chance you can extend your return to work by one day? If he knows your return to work day, that may stave off a confrontation.

I'd also see if I could get the paperwork for a restraining order (not sure how they work in the UK) and fill them out and gather whatever is needed, just in case. It may save you some time if it's actually needed.

I'll put the link here (I think I posted it upthread);

https://www.paladinservice.co.uk/

my son's dad was abusive, and at the end of the 10 years (oh ffs that never stops the cringe) i was with him and ending it, i told him that i KNEW the time i SHOULD have ended it, like 6m into the relationship.

Please don't beat yourself up, you have wasted a BIT of time, not a life time, not tens of thousands of £ you will never see again, you have not lost all your friends because of him. You have lost NOTHING. He never really existed, it was all an illusion to get you where he wanted you to be, and yes he would have ended up moving in and THEN your life would be well and truly fucked.

You are OUT - Go You! you have seen this for what it is, you can't put the genie back in the bottle and you can tell your gut it was correct, that you trust it ane believe it. then give yourself a heartfelt pat on the back for spotting it.

just caught up, i know you will be feeling wobbly, but this will pass and i think you can see that we ALL believe you and so do your friends, the police will do their job too. It will be ok.

Total nightmare.

Please log every bit of contact he makes and show the police. I'd suggest pursuing an order that requires him to stay away from you and not make contact. If he breaks it, log it every single time.

I think you're seeing the reason his family has nothing to do with him.

Stay safe. Don't be alone anywhere for the foreseeable.

What a weirdo - as if you'd be like "oh I'm super impressed you smashed up your kitchen... maybe we should get back together!".

Well done OP. Soon he won't feature in your life at all - concentrate on how great that will be x

Totally agree with this. He is furious he can't use the OP as his flat back-up plan, and has lost control of her. He will not commit suicide-he loves himself too much. Please, please OP NEVER get fooled into engaging with him or getting back with him ever again. You are doing the right things right now-reporting him to the police, staying with a friend, warning your flatmate & friends about him. You definitely must alert your employer about this-the Abuser probably won't turn up at your workplace, but he sounds unhinged, so he might. Your employer might even arrange for you to have a parking space close to your workplace entrance, and/or arrange for security staff to escort you to your parking place. I did this several years ago for a female member of staff who was being stalked-it gave her a real sense of security when coming to/leaving work. Good luck OP & stay safe x

Won't his landlord contact the police? He is surely guilty of criminal damage if he's wrecked the house.

Landlord likely won’t be aware of the damage done to the property, unless he gains access to it to see, which is usually once someone has moved out.

How are you now, OP? I've been following this thread since Friday, I think, and it's just horrendous what you're going through! You are so brave though and I'm in awe of you! Wishing you the very best. Stay safe 💐