Can someone give a handhold? Partner tried to ruin my trip

[Random100]

Partner has a habit of ruining things. Any special occasion he kicks off to try and spoil it. He’s very childish in nature, tantrums a lot etc etc. I know I need to leave him.

I have been staying at his for a few days so has a few belongings at his. I’m off on holiday this morning with a friend and he’s been kicking off in the lead up to it. He has said multiple times he would take me to the airport, I paid for a tank full of fuel this evening as it’s double the distance that my house is from the airport.

He’s been making snide comments that I must hate him this evening. I went to bed early to try and get some sleep and he joined me not long after. All of a sudden he launched out of bed, screamed at me that I was making him physically uncomfortable in bed and stormed off, shouting his head off. I was in tears at this point.

He has just declared I must go to the airport by myself now and that he’s not taking me. He wants my belongings out the house too.

Sat in tears looking at an Uber costing me 90 quid.

You are right. You took the work stuff on holiday with you because you knew what he'd do to it, didn't you.

You're listening to your instincts now, as well as to countless unknown Mumsnet women, the army at your back.

The initial love bombing you craved and got from this relationship when it was new was his way of reeling you in, building all the loving hormones up to addict you to them, then turning on you and making you subservient, to do what he wanted to make him be nice again.

You were addicted to that, he was addicted to the controlling drama.

It was a mutually toxic relationship, and now you've withdrawn from the cycle.

You're coping, he's going nuts.

What he needs now is professional help. Police to deal with his behaviour, psychiatric help to deal with his mental state. You're not qualified to do any of that.

The worse thing that could happen to him as well as you would be for you to go back or re-engage with him in any way.

The best thing is for you to get that help for him, starting with the police. They will do what's necessary.

And to get help for yourself - you've started with your friend; today, email your manager.

Well done, stay strong.

You know that he would have ended up wanting to stay with you once he was evicted don’t you.
just for a few days… weeks… months… till I get back on my feet.

cocklodger with an added dose of assault and battery

you’ve had a lucky escape

This x100

My word - he got in fast and deep with you didn't he, getting to be so very controlling and abusive in such a short time. And yes he's definitely a cocklodger, never putting his hands in his wallet and letting you spend your own money.

He's angry because his investment in getting you as a controllable resource is suddenly vanishing. He's not given up yet so eyes eye open for his next steps and protect yourself. Thank goodness your friend has offered you a couple of days at her home.

Does he have keys to your home? 🌹

Don't block withheld numbers - the police may call you back after you've reported it and it could initially be from a withheld number.

Listen to that gut instinct in your next relationship.

Also that string of red flags - no relationship with family, problems with neighbours, not working, anger etc! These were all there even when he was being absolutely lovely to you!

I hope you've got a good support network and a safe place to stay? He's clearly quite unwell. Look after yourself. X

Or smashed them. 🌹

@Random100

He rents it. This might be a bit outing but he’s being evicted and is having on and off drama with his landlord who wants him out to sell the property. He has overstayed the date his section 21 states so landlord is now serving court papers

Thank goodness you're getting out of this awful situation. The next step would have been insisting he moved in with you. 🌹

I'm chilled to the bone reading this. Of course he would.

Your life OP would have been this but without the humour

Unwell? Or just an angry, violent, abuser?

No one is going to tell you off for what you did in the past. I quote this all the time: "You did then what you knew how to do. Now that you know better, you'll do better". We all make mistakes. And in the end, nothing is really a mistake as long as we learn from it

100% this. There's a saying in NLP - 'you did what you did with the information you had at the time.' For the last 8 months you've not had the knowledge about the bf that you do have now you've put distance between you and your abuser for a bit; and of course that's one of the reasons he didn't want you out of his sight. You might use that time to think about him clearly.

Now you have been away from him, you have thoight clearly about the relationship and you have more and better information about it you can use to end it, move on and recover.

Oh my god @Random100 This man is dangerous. How on earth does he think him choosing to smash up his landlord's kitchen when you are in a different country could possibley be anything to do with you? The man has scary anger management and jealousy/control issues. He probably lost his job because of them, bet there is more to it than he has told you. Now he will lose his house and not find anywhere else as he won't be getting a reference!

Nasty abusive and entitled piece of work needs to hit rock bottom and learn some hard lessons. Show the police the messages where he threatens to kill himself, blames you and swears at you. Good on the neighbour for calling them, she was worried about you. Imagine what he could do to her and her kid, I bet she lives in fear, he is a monster. Don't go back or you face will end up like his kitchen, smashed up.

You just need a new SIM to be able to send WhatsApp messages. You can get them in any supermarket.
But yes, go to the police when you get home for sure x

He would have moved in with you if he got booted out. Just let that sink in

They will arrange a number to contact op from if she goes in in person and talks to them. There's certainly no need to unblock him atm. Provided all the prior messages show.

Am I the only one who hopes he carries out his suicide threat and succeeds?

The world would be a better place without him and all his type in it.

That extra explains the extremeness then - he was going to wait till he was forcibly evicted and guilt you into taking him in!

It's almost laughable that he actually wrote 'look what you made me do!' Like a walking, talking caricature of an abuser! Like he should be in the dictionary next to the word.

You say the real him started to show a few weeks back but remeber op, you said he never put his hand in his pocket for you (a user), he's been displaying rage at the neighbours (anger at and distain for others) and never bothered to look for a place to rent before his lease was up (pointed towards entitlement and - expecting to move in with you). So there were some red flags before then and you did see them. You just maybe glossed over them or didn't recgonise what they meant.

We tend to make excuses for people we are close to. We assume because we are reasonable, they must be too. We chalk their bad behaviour up to having a bad day, stress, or even just us misunderstanding. Because we are our own idea of what is normal and WE wouldn't behave that way without jolly good reason. And abusers lean into that. They use it to latch on tighter and destabilise us. To make us look inwards and doubt ourselves.

That's why we always have to check ourselves and make sure we keep in mind that when people show us who they are, we should believe them. Because usually, people who act like assholes, ARE assholes. They don't all have or adhere to our system of morality. Some people are just, predators and parasites.

Sometimes I have this reaction, but then I try to think oh come on, every life has worth, no-one can tell why we are on this earth and don't judge.

And then I think like you - nope, that person really is a space of waste and oxygen and the world would be better off without them.

I think my spiritual development needs work.

…and you would have been paying for everything, he would have upset your neighbours and you would have had the devil’s own job to shift him out and most of all you would have been very stressed and unhappy!

And next time he lost it and decided to smash something up it would probably have been the OP.

I suppose evil exists so that good has a chance to prove itself, to learn and to one day be able to help others fight the same evils.

But if they would all just fuck off back into the fires of hell from whence they came, that would be even better :)

But if they would all just fuck off back into the fires of hell from whence they came, that would be even better :)

It would be even better if they never emerged in the first place.

I'm so glad you're not going back to him @Random100 but please do contact the police and take every precaution for your own safety. Now he's wrecked the flat the owner will want him out asap, he's incredibly entitled and he'll be raging that it's your fault. He's clearly very unstable, don't take any chances with him.