Can someone give a handhold? Partner tried to ruin my trip

[Random100]

Partner has a habit of ruining things. Any special occasion he kicks off to try and spoil it. He’s very childish in nature, tantrums a lot etc etc. I know I need to leave him.

I have been staying at his for a few days so has a few belongings at his. I’m off on holiday this morning with a friend and he’s been kicking off in the lead up to it. He has said multiple times he would take me to the airport, I paid for a tank full of fuel this evening as it’s double the distance that my house is from the airport.

He’s been making snide comments that I must hate him this evening. I went to bed early to try and get some sleep and he joined me not long after. All of a sudden he launched out of bed, screamed at me that I was making him physically uncomfortable in bed and stormed off, shouting his head off. I was in tears at this point.

He has just declared I must go to the airport by myself now and that he’s not taking me. He wants my belongings out the house too.

Sat in tears looking at an Uber costing me 90 quid.

I haven’t done it but I know some of the women who work on it and have sponsored women to do it. Please do it.

He's angry - because he's abusive. That's the only 'why'. It's deliberate, in order to intimidate.

Don't be drawn into conversations with him. No need to be asking him questions like why he is mad. Tell him to just bin the stuff (so he doesn't try use it as an excuse to see you) and never to contact you again. Seriously I don't think I'd even risk sending a friend. But if you do, don't pre-warn him they are coming whatever you do.

I'd also speak to the police about things. Go under the precedence of just letting them know you are alright as he said they were called. Then tell them what's going on. Then at least they have it on record that he's a shit stirrer and potentially a threat should you ever need to call them.

On the basis of this please please just leave the clothes etc you have at his....when you go home if he turns up at yours/harasses you etc call the police straight away.

This would be a sensible option, except that I would just say "I don't need the stuff, put it out to recycle". Don't give a reason because that is an invitation to engage in conversation. Don't give him the opportunity.

You are underestimating the potential violent nature of this man. You DO know this - so why poke the bear? Please take the very good advice posters have given here and keep away from him - block/unfollow him on all platforms and have a keener eye on protecting yourself. Don't stand in the way of a better future for yourself - which is without him in it.

You're on this well deserved holiday with your friend: relax and enjoy it and make plans to change your locks ASAP if he's ever had any keys for your home. Keep yourself safe. 🌹

@Random100

As with the costs of the tank of petrol and the ride to the airport, consider the loss of your belongings a small price to pay to get away from him with just his ugly deranged words and some emotional pain. Some women have paid with financial ruin and/or the loss of their lives. I don't mean to sound cavalier, but you're getting off 'lucky', if not lightly.

Time to 'cease to exist' for him. Block him on all platforms of communication and don't answer calls from unknown numbers. If someone needs to get ahold of you, they'll leave a message.

He's angry because he's lost his 'victim'. He's a controlling abuser and abusers know that victims are not easy nor cheap to come by. That's why they hold on so hard and are so angry when you slip the noose. Now he's going to have to start wining, dining, and romancing another unsuspecting woman and then 'training' her to accept his controlling ways in order to turn her into his next victim.

Just be glad that you've woken up and are rid of him.

And this is who he really is Op, the angry abusive man who raves at his neighbours for no good reason, the man who can't cope with you having a life of your own, the man who treats you like shit and then gets angry again when you don't tolerate it. Forget your belongings, unless they're gold plated they're not worth the price you'll pay by seeing him again. He could become quite dangerous now Op, he's used to having his own way and you chosing to leave him will make him worse then ever. When you get home please take precautions to keep him at bay

100%

I did it

you can do it, more than once if you need it

do it in person, if poss, it’ll stick better and you’re going to meet people who really make you think

it’s hard, but this is an investment that will pay off in spades.

I am definitely looking into the freedom programme now and feel better for actively wanting to do something beneficial for me.

This thread is making me think of all the abusive shit that man has said to me now, which I brushed off at the time. He even said a couple weeks ago that I’d never meet anyone who loved me like he did. It’s all shit isn’t it?

This holiday has given me the breathing space to think. I felt I couldn’t get away from him when I was in the UK as he’d actually sulk if I didn’t stay at his. He wanted me by his side 24/7.

Op it is so good you are away right now.

But just be prepared- when you are on the plane coming home and then back in the UK you might start to get hyper anxious because you are coming back to your new reality.

is there any way you can have something to look forward to when you get back- or someone you love and trust propping you up for that transition phase? You may need some emotional support and buffering.

Your top priority right now- LITERALLY your top priority is protecting yourself. Emotionally and physically.

My friend who is on holiday with me knows the situation and has offered for me to stay at hers for a couple of nights when we return, just in case he decides to cause more drama.

I can’t believe I have let it go on so long, but it has taken me to be a thousand miles away for me to realise I felt suffocated being with him all the time. The second I got on the plane I felt lighter knowing he wasn’t at my side and I could finally breathe.

I feel like I’m going to be told off now but I can’t believe I got myself into this situation for a man who isn’t worth it. He’s lazy, can’t be arsed to work, lets me pay for everything and uses me financially I think. Together for 8 months and he never once treated me to dinner or anything really. I feel used.

Aah I am so pleased op.

(Pleased about your friend I mean!)

Keep hold of the anger you are feeling now. The scales have fallen from your eyes and that will see you through.

Abusers are skilled manipulators. You are not at fault for falling for it. Many people fall for it. You see it now. You are free.

He would even get upset if I was in a meeting whilst working from home and couldn’t give him my full attention, because y’know, I was working. He would actually sulk.

Off on a tangent I know but it’s become so so clear to me now that this man is not someone I want to be with.

They want you around them 24/7 to keep your head foggy. To exhaust you so you can't think straight enough to leave.

And I thoroughly hope you never meet anyone who 'loves' you like he does again. Because he actually hates you (just like he hates everyone). Because you're a good person, capable of creating your own happiness without having to suck it from others like a parasite. Because you're a real person, not a tin man pretending to be one.

Well done for shaking him loose!

Is he on benefits?

You’ve realised now and that’s all that matters :) Yes take up your friends offer to stay with her for a few days, do you need to get your locks changed at your place if he has keys? Maybe better to just do it if so x

It's difficult to see things clearly when you are inside the 'bubble'.

You can see it now though, and that is the main thing.

I'm glad you will be able to stay with your friend for a while. You do need someone to let off steam to, and importantly, have a back up person with you in case he tries to make contact.

He’s always said to me he’s living off savings after giving up a job. This all happened before he met me. He’s never mentioned benefits.

Thanks, he doesn’t have keys to mine thankfully.

Sounds like his anger management issues have effectively made him unemployable.

I'm willing to bet that this is the background at least somewhere along the line.

I'm glad your friend has your back. Do stay at hers for a few days.
Keep remembering all this, don't let him worm his way back in.
Also, don't beat yourself up - it's only been 8 months, not 8 years.

It’s not safe for you to go back. Get a big strong male or two to go and collect your things. Re-block.

Well done, OP. Well bloody done.

He didn’t want you to go as he knew his grip would slip, the fog would clear. He expected you to be scuppered when he wouldn’t take you and to fall meekly into line and not go.

Tomorrow is a new day without him. Don’t worry about 8 months. The rest of your life awaits!