Can someone give a handhold? Partner tried to ruin my trip

[Random100]

Partner has a habit of ruining things. Any special occasion he kicks off to try and spoil it. He’s very childish in nature, tantrums a lot etc etc. I know I need to leave him.

I have been staying at his for a few days so has a few belongings at his. I’m off on holiday this morning with a friend and he’s been kicking off in the lead up to it. He has said multiple times he would take me to the airport, I paid for a tank full of fuel this evening as it’s double the distance that my house is from the airport.

He’s been making snide comments that I must hate him this evening. I went to bed early to try and get some sleep and he joined me not long after. All of a sudden he launched out of bed, screamed at me that I was making him physically uncomfortable in bed and stormed off, shouting his head off. I was in tears at this point.

He has just declared I must go to the airport by myself now and that he’s not taking me. He wants my belongings out the house too.

Sat in tears looking at an Uber costing me 90 quid.

Belongings can be replaced, you can't. Please don't meet up with him

Unless your belongings are gold bulion just cut your losses and block.
Your belongings are replaceable, you are not!

Why on earth did you open up lines of communication again? You said it's not valuable stuff. Small price to pay for freedom.

He most certainly doesn’t sound like he “is bipolar”, undiagnosed or otherwise.

Agree with PPs, don't bother about your belongings (unless there's someone else who can collect for you). Block him again, and don't unblock him!

I was being stupid I know

Well I should imagine that he's angry at you for daring to go away when he didn't want you to & tried to make it difficult so that you wouldn't.

I'm torn between thinking it's best that you forget about your stuff and why the bloody hell should you have to?

Him being a nasty piece of work shouldn't mean that there is no safe way for you to get your stuff back.

Edited for typo.

All the more reason to block him again and keep him blocked.

Write those items you have there, off.

It is really worth it to go through all this for some clothes and replaceable items?

Yes it’s not worth it. He has announced ‘why should I bother waiting for you to collect your belongings when you decided to f* off out the country and leave me?’

So whilst I would like to have my things back, it’s not worth this angst.

And yes I’m angry at myself for opening myself up to this drama again, just by asking if I could pop by and collect them!

Don't bother being angry.

You've ended it, you can do without the stuff.

Move on & be happy!

It's ok to make one mistake. now you know for certain you've done the right thing. Block again. You don't need the stuff nor him and you owe him nothing. He's an abuser.

Have you got any burly male friends you can send round to collect your stuff for you ?

Don't be angry with yourself. You are an honest straightforward person. He is a manipulative shithead arsehole who has nothing going for him and will only wreak havoc and chaos wherever he goes. Of course you thought you could ask about your belongings- you are normal and he has very serious issues.

You need to keep yourself safe - emotionally and physically. Block again and don't rise to it. He's very very skilled in unsettling people and making them doubt themselves.

It's really NOT you.

Re-block him, OP. If you can live without the stuff at his house then I would seriously consider writing it off. If there is anything sensitive or personal that you really need back then arrange collection via a third party, ideally a male relative or friend if at all possible (I am sorry that this is reductive but men like him tend to respond differently to other men).

If you can genuinely do without your stuff, I would. He's probably tampered with it in some way by now.

That's what I was thinking
Men like him usually shrink in front of someone they think is physically stronger than them
If anyone else goes round they'll probably get abuse
If you do send someone else I wouldn't give him any warning either

Has anyone ever done the freedom programme or would recommend it? This is the second abusive relationship I’ve been in and have seen this programme mentioned a lot. I’m wondering it it’s worth doing because these relationships just mess with my head and self esteem.

Just block him again. Yes, it was daft to re-open the lines of communication and expect anything other than a pile of abuse. It's just keeping the drama going.

Block him, write off any belongings that are at his house and make sure you never have to have any communication with him again. Block him anywhere he can contact you. Tell your friends/family it is over.

Report him to the police if he tries to get in touch by turning up in person. Don't let him in.

The cheeky git knew you had a holiday booked. That's not "f*ing off out of the country and leaving [him]"

I have a lot of clients who have done it and really rate it. If you have been in any kind of abusive relationship I would recommend it. Best of luck, hope you have now blocked again and are walking away. Sorry about your stuff, but it is not worth you peace of mind, whatever it is.

@Random100 I used to be a family solicitor and we very often recommended people do the Freedom Programme (and indeed sometimes our very vulnerable clients who were about to lose their children due to being in abusive relationships that they could not see their way out of) were basically instructed by the court to do it.

I have heard very very good things about it. I had wanted to do it myself so i knew first hand what it was all about but I know that several of my clients swore it had changed their lives.

I believe you can do it online but you might find it valuable to do it in-person so you have exposure to other people who are in similar situations and can share and relate.

I just want to hug you. You will be fine. He's dragging you down. You are worth so so much more than this.

I saw this @Random100 and straight away I thought of your thread.

Write off your belongings OP. Tell him never to contact you again and block him everywhere. For emails, if you cant block him there, set up a folder and a rule for his emails to go into it. If he continues to attempt to contact you despite being told not to then he is harassing you and it's a police matter.

Fwiw I think you've overlooked his weird behaviour because it wasn't aimed at you whereas someone else might have seen the row of red flags and exited the relationship before now.

Haven't done the freedom programme but found Lundy Bancroft "why does he do that" and "How he gets in her head" by Don Henessy very good.

The "myths about abuse" and "abuser profiles" are particularly good. They often fit several profiles/overlap.

Don Hennessy's book is a bit wordy/he has a particular style but it's very good once you've got into it.

Lundy's book is mostly aimed at "batterers" but covers all kinds of abuse.

Both are useful re. the values and psychology of abusers.