Can someone give a handhold? Partner tried to ruin my trip

[Random100]

Partner has a habit of ruining things. Any special occasion he kicks off to try and spoil it. He’s very childish in nature, tantrums a lot etc etc. I know I need to leave him.

I have been staying at his for a few days so has a few belongings at his. I’m off on holiday this morning with a friend and he’s been kicking off in the lead up to it. He has said multiple times he would take me to the airport, I paid for a tank full of fuel this evening as it’s double the distance that my house is from the airport.

He’s been making snide comments that I must hate him this evening. I went to bed early to try and get some sleep and he joined me not long after. All of a sudden he launched out of bed, screamed at me that I was making him physically uncomfortable in bed and stormed off, shouting his head off. I was in tears at this point.

He has just declared I must go to the airport by myself now and that he’s not taking me. He wants my belongings out the house too.

Sat in tears looking at an Uber costing me 90 quid.

I do feel for his neighbours as I have heard him shouting at them through the walls. They have a young child too so it’s really unpleasant for her to hear as well, especially when he’s screaming that he’s going to hurt them. I’ve never heard any noise from their side when I’ve been there.

I too feel for them - living next to an explosively angry man, with unstable moods and few boundaries. I hope they're taking advice about the situation they're in. 🌹

Well done, OP!

Hopefully those shoulders of yours feel even lighter now!

I do hope you're having a wonderful break.x.

He sounds like he could have the potential to be dangerous OP. Get some advice from womens aid when you get back. But for now just enjoy your holiday.

He is seriously disturbed, isn't he.

His mental health is his responsibility, not yours.

The poor neighbours, having to put up with his behaviour, noise and threats. God knows what that must be doing to their child.

But the main point is - he's threatened them. Has he ever threatened or hurt you?

When you get home, I'd agree it would be wise to change your locks and get a ring doorbell.

And tell everyone you know what has been happening, that your ex has been threatening the neighbours, coercively controlling you and getting the police called to his home because of his behaviour.

If you do decide to retrieve your things (although it would probably be sensible to let them go), don't go alone.

Can you block his emails too?

I'd be tempted to reply "Well done, you got it. Except that I'm not loving towards you at all. Remember, you told me to leave"

I’m so glad you are safe

I get that it's tempting to fire back with something but any reply is an invitation to further interaction from him. Especially a sarcastic one!
Do not wrestle with the pig, he is drawing you into the wrestling ring precisely because he knows that's his best chance to get what he wants.

He sounds dangerous. It's great you're shot of him.

Yep, grey rock all the way.

@Random100

This is a man who is mentally unstable and has anger issues. I hate to sound paranoid, but I think you will need to be a bit cautious, at least for awhile.

Change your locks when you get home. Vary your routes and daily routine. Be aware of what's going on around you. And don't be afraid to report him to the police at the least little thing.

All of this. He sounds unhinged. Be careful and vigilant when you return home.

Glad for you that you're out of it.

Keep that ranty email but also keep him blocked.

I agree about keeping all the ranty stuff but keeping him blocked. If you ever feel like it 'wasn't that bad' or 'I was overreacting; you can read it to remind yourself.

Plus- I'd not be shy in showing people those texts and e-mails if you have cause. My friend I spoke about up thread sent me so many abusive e-mails (my crime was that DH and i got invited to a dinner she was not invited to- and we went) and although I kept them i never showed anyone because i wanted to be the bigger person. 10 years on she is still slandering me all around the quite small village we live and I wish I'd gone for the jugular back then. (DH wanted me to get a cease and desist letter but it's probably too late now).

I'd be perfectly open to people about how he treated you - how he behaved- that he is irrational and erratic. You may well find that alot of other people in your life have been concerned about you.

Wholeheartedly agree. Any response will be feasted upon and twisted to suit his agenda.

"Never wrestle with a pig in the mud. You both get dirty and the pig likes it."

Silence is more powerful than any pithy response.

That's not a normal reaction. He probably has an undiagnosed personality disorder eg BPD. It's awful today for you I am sure. Go on holiday, find someone fit and handsome, fuck his brains out, and then start again when you get home. Dump this guy though now, as he will bring you nothing but anguish and misery.

This is a discriminatory post against people with BPD. The guy is an arse. That’s all you need to say.

@SpringLobelia

10 years on she is still slandering me all around the quite small village we live and I wish I'd gone for the jugular back then. (DH wanted me to get a cease and desist letter but it's probably too late now).

Probably not too late if she's still doing it. Maybe have an appointment with a solicitor, give them a copy of the messages you've saved which she's sent you to illustrate exactly what you've been putting up with, and in case you need to do more than a cease and desist letter (which, hopefully, you won't). 🌹

When you get home you should take this to the police. Aswell as anything else you have of a similar nature . It will help them understand the situation there dealing with and will help the neighbours case and any future case you need.

He's so toxic. Please leave him asap and be safe.

Hoping you're feeling better this morning now the FOG's clearing? Fear, Obligation and Guilt. Things the abusive narcissist and coercive controller thrive on.

Keep everything. Write out a clear statement of exactly what's happened over the time you've been together, everything he's said, done, turned on you and accused you of. Copy his comments into your statement, too.

Exactly how he's been able to make you feel (remembering that that distress is the very thing he thrives on. He farmed you).

And let people know. Chances are he's been burrowing away in the background, spreading lies about you to undermine you. They do that, too.

Stay strong. Stay blocked. Change locks.

So I thought I’d unblock him to ask him to collect my belongings. I wish I had never.

He is very angry at me yet won’t say why. He’s been quite vile about me being away and has accused me of booking this holiday just to get away from him. Apparently I am an awful person to him and he doesn’t deserve that. He has accused me of thinking he is holding my belongings hostage and that he would never do that (???)

I could feel his anger through the messages and it has unnerved me. I’m feeling a bit shit about it all to be honest and a bit scared.

I’ve not had a great year to be honest and when we first started dating he seemed so nice but has turned out to be really nasty and awful to me.

Please please do not return. He will get you to do something that you will regret. I'm actually scared for you. Go home, ring the Police and tell them so they can visit him and warn him off. Please don't engage with him unless its to tell him never to contact you ever again. Please.

Love bombing. Abusers often do that in the beginning. All nicey nicey and then the horror begins and you think somehow it's your fault for lacking in some way, or for not trying hard enough (whatever that means- usually by his criteria) or for not being enough- whatever that means- usually by his criteria.

People like him throw you off balance and thrive on you being accommodating of him and his moods and unsure of your own self worth.

Trust me- it's not you. It really IS him.

Block again and just leave all thought of collecting belongings behind you. You don't need it- they can be replaced.