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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can I tell him over txt not interested?

163 replies

Violetroseyjane · 02/05/2024 12:39

Oh I feel so awkward. So I went out drinking with friends a couple weeks back, met a guy we had a chat some laughs and swapped numbers & kissed at the end of the evening.
He actually knew one of my friends boyfriends and my friend was like oh now we can double date , hes so sweet etc.
I just said let's not get carried away, but agreed to meet up with him for a coffee.
I agreed to meet with him yesterday, as soon as I locked eyes on him I knew .... he really really is not someone I would be attracted too normally, but thought I'd give him a chance ( I must of had serious beer goggles on when I kissed him ) 🙈
He was a perfectly nice man, however we had no spark, bad conversation and I am not one bit attracted to this mans personality or his looks.
Turns out we have nothing in common at all and he is also 15 years older than myself.
I was still polite throughout the date , tried to make conversation then we went our separate ways.
This morning my friend msg me saying that "ben" had the most amazing time and has told all thier friend group about me. He then msg me this morning calling me his girlfriend and putting love in the msg.
I really now have serious ick here.
I do not want to see this man again!
Is it ok to let him down through txt? What shall I say? I really dont want to hurt his feelings but I know he is not the man for me .I need to do it sooner rather than later as he is trying to organise a 2nd date 😏

OP posts:
Ilovesmesomefriedchicken · 08/05/2024 11:11

Violetroseyjane · 02/05/2024 16:24

Oh Gawd! Even more awkward. So I've been planning on texting him but havent stopped all day, work, school run, kids swimming lessons etc. Thought ok I'll do it as soon as I get in the door. Then he txts... I've been smiling like a cheshire cat today , told my sister and mum about you ... I feel really awful now, where do I go from here??

Oh my god no, he is literally emotionally manipulating & love bombing you, do not let him affect you! Just be honest, he sounds like he has stalker potential if you leave anything to be possibly misinterpreted /misconstrued x

Ilovesmesomefriedchicken · 08/05/2024 11:23

Sorry OP, I didn’t read the full thread before my 2 other responses. Glad you let him know directly, sorry he continued msging you. Keep those msgs on your phone, If he starts showing up anywhere you are, or continues to contact you, call non emergency police and start a report, get them to warn him to leave you alone, it usually scares them off but obviously there are still a lot of dangerous men out there who get obsessed like this. Stay safe xx

Original poster
Violetroseyjane · 08/05/2024 18:12

Ilovesmesomefriedchicken · 08/05/2024 11:02

Yikes! Declaring you as his Girlfriend, dropping the L bomb in txt msgs, and telling all of his friends about you after meeting eachother twice are HUGE red flags! That is either love bombing or mentally unstable unhealthy behaviour, and the fact that he is 15yrs older than you & doing this he clearly isn’t just being an excited teenager, glad you can see it’s not good and are trusting your gut with this one!!

Yes absolutely tell him via text, he seems to think telling you you’re in a relationship via text is acceptable so communicate with him in his preferred method.
You can be polite, but still be totally straight up & direct with him, don’t dance around it, don’t say any maybes or offer to get to know him more. and don’t let him guilt you into meeting again as he sounds very emotionally manipulative/unhealthy.

How old is he out of interest? And how old are you & your friends?

Just say something alomg the lines of...

Hi Ben, although it was nice to meet you, I am not wanting to take things any further.
You seem like a nice guy, but you’re just not right for me. I don’t feel any connection or attraction to you, you’re just not my type, which is fine as we all have different things that we are looking for in a potential partner don’t we :)
I like to be sensible & take things slow when I’m getting to know somebody. It has to be properly in person over a good length of time before I’m deciding whether or not I’m wanting a relationship with them or developing strong feelings such as love before I properly know somebody.
And I would always expect deciding to be someones girlfriend would be a mutual conversation in person after a decent amount of time, at least several months, rather than just being told that’s what I was am via text after just 1 meet up whilst drinking & 1 date with somebody. We all like to approach dating differently & that’s fine, there will be other ladies out there who I’m sure would be very flattered, but it’s not for me.
Take care, maybe see you around!

Give us an update on what you decide to say & his reaction. Don’t let your friends guilt you into anything either. If they try to push it and make you feel uncomfortable then they aren’t real friends xx

Show quote history

I've already messaged him. So I'm 39 and he is 54!!

OP posts:
Telemakus · 08/05/2024 18:16

He's 54?? Jesus wept!

Nuttyputty · 08/05/2024 18:55

Telemakus · 08/05/2024 18:16

He's 54?? Jesus wept!

And telling his mum and sister! Haha

Xenoi24 · 08/05/2024 21:50

Violetroseyjane · 08/05/2024 18:12

I've already messaged him. So I'm 39 and he is 54!!

Show quote history

Too old for you anyway.

(Here come all the older man age gap relationship posters declaring he's not, as they always do).

He's punching age wise, before you get to anything else.

No wonder he's trying to lock you down instantly.

Original poster
Violetroseyjane · 08/05/2024 23:06

Telemakus · 08/05/2024 18:16

He's 54?? Jesus wept!

Yes I know 😆 he was also married for 25 years . Tbf he was a young , not bad looking 54 year old, just obviously a bit nuts !!

OP posts:
Fizzib · 09/05/2024 00:23

Xenoi24 · 08/05/2024 21:50

Too old for you anyway.

(Here come all the older man age gap relationship posters declaring he's not, as they always do).

He's punching age wise, before you get to anything else.

No wonder he's trying to lock you down instantly.

Edited
Show quote history

💯 he couldn’t wait to get his claws into a younger woman

Ablar · 10/05/2024 09:18

He sounds like the next 'baby reindeer' dropping the girlfriend and love after one date and a quick snog is a bit weird. I'd message and tell him as much as you enjoyed coffee yesterday you aren't really looking for anything and leave it at that.

lilkitten · 11/05/2024 18:50

If I've been dating someone for a while, I'd absolutely do it in person if possible, but if after one date I would text. I've been both the recipient and the sender of those messages, and first dates are very 50/50. There's not been a huge investment, so I say something like "I had a great time but I'm afraid I'm not feeling that this might lead to a relationship for me, I wish you all the best"

lilkitten · 11/05/2024 18:54

Oh, now I've read more of your updates...massive red flag. This reminds me of a guy I blocked on WhatsApp, but he then texted, rang, tried to friend me on every social media...

VictorianChic · 11/05/2024 19:00

Weird behaviour. He should’ve taken no for an answer. He’s been out of the dating game for 25+ years but that is no excuse for creepiness towards a woman who’s too young for him. Uuuugh.

Lovinglife57 · 11/05/2024 19:01

Yes but be polite

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