Can I tell him over txt not interested?

[Violetroseyjane]

Oh I feel so awkward. So I went out drinking with friends a couple weeks back, met a guy we had a chat some laughs and swapped numbers & kissed at the end of the evening.
He actually knew one of my friends boyfriends and my friend was like oh now we can double date , hes so sweet etc.
I just said let's not get carried away, but agreed to meet up with him for a coffee.
I agreed to meet with him yesterday, as soon as I locked eyes on him I knew .... he really really is not someone I would be attracted too normally, but thought I'd give him a chance ( I must of had serious beer goggles on when I kissed him ) 🙈
He was a perfectly nice man, however we had no spark, bad conversation and I am not one bit attracted to this mans personality or his looks.
Turns out we have nothing in common at all and he is also 15 years older than myself.
I was still polite throughout the date , tried to make conversation then we went our separate ways.
This morning my friend msg me saying that "ben" had the most amazing time and has told all thier friend group about me. He then msg me this morning calling me his girlfriend and putting love in the msg.
I really now have serious ick here.
I do not want to see this man again!
Is it ok to let him down through txt? What shall I say? I really dont want to hurt his feelings but I know he is not the man for me .I need to do it sooner rather than later as he is trying to organise a 2nd date 😏

Give the guy a chance

Jeez, I hope he doesn't start stalking you, OP.

I'm not even joking.

Two words - Baby Reindeer

Seriously how desperate is he? Definitely avoid him as much as possible - total nut job

Is this a joke? I really, really hope it's a joke.

Thanks, you made my evening 🤣

Can I ask if you're a man @Telemakus?

Only in my hasty reply I didn't initially consider that perhaps as a man you might not have the same level of risk assessment when it comes to dating someone new, so perhaps feel the overwhelming response on this thread is OTT.

But for many women, this is an all too familiar situation and dynamic. And it's one that can trigger a fear response as simply statistically, women are more likely to be at physical risk when it comes to harassment.

To be clear, that is not to say that men aren't victims of harassment, and that harassment sometimes will be physical. But stayiscislly this is far less common an outcome than for female victims. It doesn't make individual situations any more or less scary for the victim of either sex. But the risk assessment is different.

And that sinking 'oh shit, if he's this full on he might not leave me alone and that frightens me' feeling is a very real thing that we have to listen to in order to stay safe.

Apologies if my initial response was flippant. Hopefully that all helps explain why your encouragement to give him a chance isn't (on balance, a sage suggestion for snowman, especially following OP's updates which perhaps you hadn't read? I assume not or you'd see that unfortunately he's crossed from over keen to not taking no for an answer and that means he is not a safe person to be in her orbit at all.

Stayiscislly should say statistically there, obviously!

And 'snowman' should say 'a woman' - what a typo!

That sounds very scary!! I think theres a few around 😂

Bloke send woman text and he's thrown to the wolves.

Woman send man text and its absolutely fine.

And you wonder why decent blokes want nothing to do with most women ?

Just finding this thread now. Glad you got it sorted so quickly. Hopefully he'll (finally) get the hint. Ick. Ick. Ick.

I'd have no problem with a man "dumping" a woman by text after one coffee date.

If a man posted on here saying a woman text him after one date calling him her boyfriend he would be told to run for the hills. Genuinely, he would.

And if a woman posted saying she had a date and wanted to text him the morning after calling him her boyfriend, she would be told he should run for the hills and that it would be a bizarre and inappropriate thing to do as well as hugely offputting. A massive red flag. Again, genuinely, she would be told that.

I'm confused as to why you think otherwise?

Nobody owes someone a relationship, full stop. Either men or women. Nobody.

Women should want to date decent, nice guys. Guys should want to date decent, nice women. That's healthy.

You say most decent guys want nothing to do with women. What a bizarre statement. The majority of heterosexual men are actively seeking relationships with women. Yet you say 'most' decent ones aren't? That simply isn't true.

Are you perhaps in an echo chamber with other men who feel women don't give them enough of a chance? Because trust me, we can often feel when men believe women as a group aren't giving men the attention they deserve. And it's likely that that's putting them off. We don't tend to be attracted to people who are angry more women aren't attracted to them so it's a self fulfilling prophecy.

Unsure how you've come to this unfair and untrue conclusion.
Are you an MRA?

Tbh this man is way too ott to tell him face to face, dont you think?

Are you referring to the OP texting the man to let him.down or the slightly unhinged texts the man sent to OP? It's not clear.

No thanks 😂

I was totally joking. It just tickled me the idea of giving such obviously bad advice.

I thought you were, gave me a laugh 😆

Apologies @Telemakus - glad to hear you were joking!

100%

I can't be sure of course but I would guess he isn't a stalker or anything like that. He probably thinks you're out if his league and, what with the kiss and the coffee date, he thought he had a chance and has totally fallen for the idea of being with you rather than actually falling for you.

That's not to say that you shouldn't be wary and do what you're doing, the odds of him being a nutter are greater than zero.

No worries.

I don't wonder this at all. Because it isn't true. And this isn't a decent bloke.

They had one date.
Ending it over text is perfectly appropriate and normal in that context, man or woman.

And even more so when the person is showing themselves to be extremely intense and OTT.

No 'decent man' would be turned off a woman for that, what are you on about?

Must be the "nice guys" that you mean? The ones who think that women owe them just because they want a chance with them?

Yikes! Declaring you as his Girlfriend, dropping the L bomb in txt msgs, and telling all of his friends about you after meeting eachother twice are HUGE red flags! That is either love bombing or mentally unstable unhealthy behaviour, and the fact that he is 15yrs older than you & doing this he clearly isn’t just being an excited teenager, glad you can see it’s not good and are trusting your gut with this one!!

Yes absolutely tell him via text, he seems to think telling you you’re in a relationship via text is acceptable so communicate with him in his preferred method.
You can be polite, but still be totally straight up & direct with him, don’t dance around it, don’t say any maybes or offer to get to know him more. and don’t let him guilt you into meeting again as he sounds very emotionally manipulative/unhealthy.

How old is he out of interest? And how old are you & your friends?

Just say something alomg the lines of...

Hi Ben, although it was nice to meet you, I am not wanting to take things any further.
You seem like a nice guy, but you’re just not right for me. I don’t feel any connection or attraction to you, you’re just not my type, which is fine as we all have different things that we are looking for in a potential partner don’t we :)
I like to be sensible & take things slow when I’m getting to know somebody. It has to be properly in person over a good length of time before I’m deciding whether or not I’m wanting a relationship with them or developing strong feelings such as love before I properly know somebody.
And I would always expect deciding to be someones girlfriend would be a mutual conversation in person after a decent amount of time, at least several months, rather than just being told that’s what I was am via text after just 1 meet up whilst drinking & 1 date with somebody. We all like to approach dating differently & that’s fine, there will be other ladies out there who I’m sure would be very flattered, but it’s not for me.
Take care, maybe see you around!

Give us an update on what you decide to say & his reaction. Don’t let your friends guilt you into anything either. If they try to push it and make you feel uncomfortable then they aren’t real friends xx