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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Light fingered friend

146 replies

Mpc71 · 02/05/2024 11:55

We often meet with a group of friends for dinner parties and a bit of a laugh.
We've started to realise that one of the bunch has developed a habit for pinching things from our house and from other friends.
I can't quite understand her, she has a great job, is really lovely, has a lovely partner ( who I think is aware of the issue!), yet she is gaining a terrible reputation due to this awful habit.
She's nicked all sorts from a treasured glass to really expensive slippers.
I'm not sure how to address it as she can be super fragile; it's been really upsetting for my whole family after she (it had to be her!) stole a family heirloom.
I really don't want to ditch her as a friend because her partner is such a great chap (bit hairy but otherwise ok).
Any advice on how to move forward gratefully received!

OP posts:

GagCity · 02/05/2024 11:56

She stole a family heirloom, upset your whole family by doing so and you’re not sure how to address it because she’s super fragile?! You’re a better person than me

BlastedPimples · 02/05/2024 11:57

How do you know for certain it's her?

I just wouldn't have her over again. I don't think i could be friends with a thief anyway.

Shinyandnew1 · 02/05/2024 12:00

I really don't want to ditch her as a friend

She stole a family heirloom from you and you still want her as a friend? Sorry, but honesty and being able to trust someone are pretty basic ‘must haves’ for me when it comes to friends. That’s a fairly low bar as well!

Original poster

Mpc71 · 02/05/2024 12:04

She helped my son get a job in a really difficult vocation.
Wet know it was her who stole the heirloom as we have cctv on our garage which showed her taking it out of her coat and looking at it as she left our property

OP posts:

Luckingfovely · 02/05/2024 12:06

First things first: you send her a message immediately saying that you have evidence she took it, and she has 24 hours to return it before you call the police. This is imperative.

After that, you can deal with the friendship thing.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/05/2024 12:06

Stop being such a wet lettuce and get a spine.

Your family should talk to the police re the theft of this family heirloom.

Your bar for friends is so low it’s sub level. Ditch this so called super fragile person because you’re friends with her man, she’s not being fragile when she’s out thieving.

BodyKeepingScore · 02/05/2024 12:07

She stole an heirloom and you bizarrely want to make sure not to upset her? How could you even contemplate continuing a friendship with someone who has so little respect for you?

Hotgirlwinter · 02/05/2024 12:08

You have to just address it firstly and ask for it back.
she might be fragile but without someone actually calling it out then how is she going to get help?

You don’t have to shame her or be aggressive, a simple 1on1 conversation where you say “are you ok friend because I’ve been worried about you recently…. and as much as I don’t want to embarrass you, I know you took X when you were at my house last as I saw you with it on the cctv. I am not angry but I am really concerned that there is something going on and perhaps you might need to talk?”

also ask for it back!

AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/05/2024 12:08

She may have helped your son re contacts etc but your son got the job by his own merit.

MeMyCatsAndMyBooks · 02/05/2024 12:10

She's stolen things from your home yet you can't address it as she's a delicate flower?

Grow a back bone op seriously.

NCDAParent · 02/05/2024 12:10

Send her a screenshot from the cctv and ask her to return it.
She clearly doesn't give a shit about you, your feelings or possessions so why are you so concerned for her?

PhilosophicalCheeseSandwich · 02/05/2024 12:11

Her feelings are a silly reason not to confront her - your whole family is upset by what she's doing. You have evidence, you can't just let it fester.

purplecorkheart · 02/05/2024 12:11

Hi xxx, we can see from our Cameras that you took item y home with you on x date. This is a treasured item and means a lot to me and my family. Please return it asap.

StrawberryWater · 02/05/2024 12:11

When my brother stole from me I called the police.

You should do the same.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/05/2024 12:12

Give her 24 hours to return this heirloom or you will go to the police. I would contact the police anyway given she’s stolen multiple items.

FoxtrotOscarFoxtrotOscar · 02/05/2024 12:12

Quick before she sells it.

BridgedeckBardo · 02/05/2024 12:13

Forgive me for this but I thought the title of the thread was leading to something else entirely 😆

SamW98 · 02/05/2024 12:14

Why would you give a shit if you upset a delicate little thief? She’s a criminal who steals from her mates and you’re worried about her being fragile??

Fuck that. Your friendship bar is in the gutter if you continue any form of relationship with this kleptomaniac. She’s absolutely mugging you off.

ThisIsMyRubbishUsername · 02/05/2024 12:14

I have (had) a friend like this. Whenever they visited things would go missing from toys to clothes to just random things. I have no idea why they did it to this day. They were also lovely in every other way. I stopped them visiting. If they turned up unexpected I kept them on the doorstep.
I understand you seeing their other positive qualities, because I could to. But you have to think about the impact the loss of items is having on your family and realise that at the end of the day the person can’t care that deeply about you to steal from you. Its not a sign of a truly good person, they are breaching your trust.

Alexaremovethenotifications · 02/05/2024 12:16

I would tell her you have her on CCTV with said item that she must have taken by mistake. It’s upset a lot of people as it’s a precious family heirloom and you need it back immediately. If she tries to say she hasn’t I’d either send a screenshot or go directly to the police. I hope she hasn’t disposed of whatever it is already xx

StarlightLime · 02/05/2024 12:16

I really don't want to ditch her as a friend because her partner is such a great chap (bit hairy but otherwise ok)
Is your whole post one of those tedious in jokes?
If not, you sound a little odd.

Justsomethoughts · 02/05/2024 12:17

Think your empathy has extended too far. Everyone has their own reasons/excuses for unacceptable behaviour but that doesn’t mean YOU have to accept it.

I’d definitely be confronting her with the evidence that she has this family heirloom. She doesn’t care that she is upsetting you, why would you care that you may embarrass or upset her? And your family’s feelings come before hers. You can say it politely/gently if you think there could be repercussions on your son’s job? But the fact you think this could even be an issue should tell you that this is no friend.

CantFindTheBeat · 02/05/2024 12:19

What does her partner is 'a bit hairy' mean?

Is this a post about a TV show?

Stainglasses · 02/05/2024 12:20

You don’t want to ditch a friend who steals from you? This can’t be real!

Onelifeonly · 02/05/2024 12:22

I couldn't tolerate stealing. It sounds like her 'lovely' partner knows about it too, so I wouldn't be happy with him either.

You've got evidence, use it.

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