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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Light fingered friend

146 replies

Mpc71 · 02/05/2024 11:55

We often meet with a group of friends for dinner parties and a bit of a laugh.
We've started to realise that one of the bunch has developed a habit for pinching things from our house and from other friends.
I can't quite understand her, she has a great job, is really lovely, has a lovely partner ( who I think is aware of the issue!), yet she is gaining a terrible reputation due to this awful habit.
She's nicked all sorts from a treasured glass to really expensive slippers.
I'm not sure how to address it as she can be super fragile; it's been really upsetting for my whole family after she (it had to be her!) stole a family heirloom.
I really don't want to ditch her as a friend because her partner is such a great chap (bit hairy but otherwise ok).
Any advice on how to move forward gratefully received!

OP posts:
tattygrl · 02/05/2024 14:55

This just absolutely cannot be real. OP, if this is real, take our comments of disbelief as the wake up call you need to confront this situation properly.

gamerchick · 02/05/2024 14:56

Mpc71 · 02/05/2024 12:04

She helped my son get a job in a really difficult vocation.
Wet know it was her who stole the heirloom as we have cctv on our garage which showed her taking it out of her coat and looking at it as she left our property

Send the footage to her bloke and tell him you want it returned.

Then meet her outside of the house in future.

HelpIneedaworktop · 02/05/2024 14:56

Nowt stranger than folk

albatrossjoe · 02/05/2024 14:57

What a sad and messy situation. Can I ask OP is your 'friend' also your son's boss? Does he only work with her? If the answer to these is no, then regardless of your friend getting him the job I'd still ask for the item back or sever the friendship. Her getting him a job doesn't allow her free reign to literally steal from you!
I'd trust that your son wouldn't automatically lose his job or career for her behaviour unless she's literally the only one in charge of recruitment. You'd have evidence if he was unfairly dismissed.

I feel like you must get a lot out of her friendship to want to keep her in your life in spite of this. Have any of your other friends in your social circle challenged her on this, as you say she's taken from others too?

DaftFlerken · 02/05/2024 14:58

Absolutely ask for it back, if someone stole from my house I would go completely bat shit at them. There is no excuse at all for it

NonPlayerCharacter · 02/05/2024 14:59

Mpc71 · 02/05/2024 12:25

I didn’t make it clear but she got my son an amazing job and calling her out could jeopardise his future

Edited

Why? She may have been a helpful contact, but if he ultimately got the job for being good enough and has been performing well, why does he need her?

KeepYourFingersOutOfMySoup · 02/05/2024 15:00

Op, this all sounds a bit implausible really doesn't it.

On the off chance this did happen as you've said but you are just not very good at storytelling, then you need to ask her for the item back. You'll get it I would think if you tell her/show her your proof.

GagCity · 02/05/2024 15:01

Mpc71 · 02/05/2024 12:04

She helped my son get a job in a really difficult vocation.
Wet know it was her who stole the heirloom as we have cctv on our garage which showed her taking it out of her coat and looking at it as she left our property

Are you actually being serious here? You have literal CCTV footage of her stealing something yet that’s not enough for you to say/do something about it?

CantGetDecentNickname · 02/05/2024 15:02

Luckingfovely · 02/05/2024 12:06

First things first: you send her a message immediately saying that you have evidence she took it, and she has 24 hours to return it before you call the police. This is imperative.

After that, you can deal with the friendship thing.

I'd do this and never let her back in your property. Ask for the other stuff she's taken as well.

You can be a good friend to her by supporting her in getting the help she needs but not until she has returned everything. Stop letting her get away with "being fragile". If she can't return the item, for example she has sold it, then you have to go to the Police.

Squigglewigglediggle · 02/05/2024 15:03

I don't buy the CCTV evidence. In your OP you say in brackets (it had to be her) which to me implies you have your suspicions and is an odd turn of phrase if you have absolute concrete proof.

KomodoOhno · 02/05/2024 15:06

Shinyandnew1 · 02/05/2024 12:00

I really don't want to ditch her as a friend

She stole a family heirloom from you and you still want her as a friend? Sorry, but honesty and being able to trust someone are pretty basic ‘must haves’ for me when it comes to friends. That’s a fairly low bar as well!

This. She got your son a job. That's lovely. You have stealing on camera and your family is upset. Getting your sin a job does not mean she can steal from you. Do the right thing or your family will be more mad at you then her!

Getonwitit · 02/05/2024 15:09

Stop being a wuss and call her out. She only gets away with it because of people like you.

TulipPower1981 · 02/05/2024 15:09

your son’s job is his now, in that she didn’t get him the job. He still has to be capable of doing the job and holding it down. You don’t owe her anything.

Hairy partner aside you can’t continue to be friends with this person until they do something about their issues.

I would suggest you message her as follows:

Dear ‘Friend’ My family and I would be grateful if you could return Aunt Dorothy’s vase that you took on X night. We have on cctv you took this, we don’t want to get the authorities involved.

I suggest you get some help.

wishing you the best in getting better

byeeeeee

BloodyHellKenAgain · 02/05/2024 15:10

Mpc71 · 02/05/2024 12:04

She helped my son get a job in a really difficult vocation.
Wet know it was her who stole the heirloom as we have cctv on our garage which showed her taking it out of her coat and looking at it as she left our property

Bloody hell. I'm not easy to shock but it amazes me that someone would steal from a friend like that 😲

Tellmeajoke · 02/05/2024 15:10

Can you go to her house when she is out, get her partner to let you in and then you can look around for it? Show him the video.

BloodyHellKenAgain · 02/05/2024 15:15

I've just remembered @Mpc71 that about 100 years ago I knew someone who was doing something similar. Not to me, but other friends parents (we were all in our teens).
She was taking things and storing them away at her house.
From memory she was quite emotionally fragile and eventually had a breakdown so I would tread carefully if I were you.
It's a bad situation for all of you, good luck x

penjil · 02/05/2024 15:20

Mpc71 · 02/05/2024 12:04

She helped my son get a job in a really difficult vocation.
Wet know it was her who stole the heirloom as we have cctv on our garage which showed her taking it out of her coat and looking at it as she left our property

Show her the CCTV and confront her!!

penjil · 02/05/2024 15:21

BloodyHellKenAgain · 02/05/2024 15:15

I've just remembered @Mpc71 that about 100 years ago I knew someone who was doing something similar. Not to me, but other friends parents (we were all in our teens).
She was taking things and storing them away at her house.
From memory she was quite emotionally fragile and eventually had a breakdown so I would tread carefully if I were you.
It's a bad situation for all of you, good luck x

The OP isn't responsible for her fragile state of mind.

And that is no excuse for being a thief anyway!!

Thulpelly · 02/05/2024 15:27

AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/05/2024 12:06

Stop being such a wet lettuce and get a spine.

Your family should talk to the police re the theft of this family heirloom.

Your bar for friends is so low it’s sub level. Ditch this so called super fragile person because you’re friends with her man, she’s not being fragile when she’s out thieving.

I actually laughed at this

Why go to the police (who wouldn’t do anything) when you can just ask your friend to return it

Moveoverdarlin · 02/05/2024 15:28

Hi Claire, can I have that carriage clock back please? It was my Grandmothers and means a lot. I don’t want to take this any further, but I will if I have to. You’re a dear friend and I don’t want to cause upset, but I think you are struggling, I know you’re not a thief. Bring it round tonight at 8ish and we can have a glass of wine.

See what she says.

HauntedBungalow · 02/05/2024 15:34

It might not have been a carriage clock. It could have been a grandfather clock.

BloodyHellKenAgain · 02/05/2024 15:34

penjil · 02/05/2024 15:21

The OP isn't responsible for her fragile state of mind.

And that is no excuse for being a thief anyway!!

Show quote history

Of course the OP isn't responsible for her friends fragile state of mind (if indeed it is fragile). I was just recalling a possibly similar experience that I thought might help @Mpc71 .
Also, people can do all sorts of out of character things if their mental health is bad. It's not an excuse, just something to be aware of.

tobeconfused · 02/05/2024 15:38

This is fake. Please.

Abeona · 02/05/2024 15:38

Kelptomania is a MH disorder that compels sufferers to steal — often small, petty things. I assume your friend has something like this.

You arrange to meet her one-to-one in a public place and calmly ask her to return whatever it was she stole from your home. If she denies it you just quietly show her the footage from your CCTV. You say 'You are a dear friend and I understand that you may have something going on that compels you to steal. I don't want to have to escalate this to police level, but I will if necessary. Return the item to me within 48 hours and promise me you'll get professional help. Because if I hear from others in our friendship circle that anything else has gone missing, I'll tell them what I know. This can't go on: for all of us whom you've pilfered from but more importantly for you.'

Good luck, it won't be easy but if she gets the help she needs you'll have done her a great favour.

DeadbeatYoda · 02/05/2024 15:38

I think this sounds like kleptomania too. And as such, I would approach it the same way as any other mental health problem. Of she is your friend, help her out. Tell her you have the cctv, ask for the item back and hand her some literature / links to the appropriate mental health services. Tell her you won't say anything to anyone as long as she returns the items she stole from you and that she reaches out for the help she needs.
It's correct that her mental health is not your responsibility but, if it were me, I would want to help if I could. I know lots of people do t feel that way, that's fine. They can do them, I'll do me.