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Original poster

Light fingered friend

146 replies

Mpc71 · 02/05/2024 11:55

We often meet with a group of friends for dinner parties and a bit of a laugh.
We've started to realise that one of the bunch has developed a habit for pinching things from our house and from other friends.
I can't quite understand her, she has a great job, is really lovely, has a lovely partner ( who I think is aware of the issue!), yet she is gaining a terrible reputation due to this awful habit.
She's nicked all sorts from a treasured glass to really expensive slippers.
I'm not sure how to address it as she can be super fragile; it's been really upsetting for my whole family after she (it had to be her!) stole a family heirloom.
I really don't want to ditch her as a friend because her partner is such a great chap (bit hairy but otherwise ok).
Any advice on how to move forward gratefully received!

OP posts:
MermaidEyes · 03/05/2024 09:10

Hillrunning · 02/05/2024 22:04

My god, I'm funny, kind, polite, interested and still can't manage to keep friends. How on earth are thieves managing to find a group of friends? I give up!

You're doing it wrong. Start stealing their family heirlooms and they'll be clamouring for your company.

Sillyjane · 03/05/2024 09:19

I think I’d be gentle if your sons job really is at risk, plus no one in their right mind Rob’s friends,

id message and say hey I see you borrowed x, just happened to see cctv, could you pop it back round when done, would be great if it was this week.

its enough to shame her, but doesn’t accuse her direct.

betterangels · 03/05/2024 09:25

Hillrunning · 02/05/2024 22:04

My god, I'm funny, kind, polite, interested and still can't manage to keep friends. How on earth are thieves managing to find a group of friends? I give up!

You can steal in perpetuity if you do a good thing once in a while, apparently.

TheTartfulLodger · 03/05/2024 12:48

Mpc71 · 02/05/2024 12:04

She helped my son get a job in a really difficult vocation.
Wet know it was her who stole the heirloom as we have cctv on our garage which showed her taking it out of her coat and looking at it as she left our property

I had a neighbour like this who kept stealing from me and because I forgave them went on to steal even more valuable items from me. That was the point I cut them off and never spoke to them again. Then there is no friendship. It doesn't matter what she did to help you in the past. Shd ended the friendship by stealing from you. For goodness have some dignity and self worth and stop being a doormat. You do not go out of your way to preserve friendships with people who steal your treasured possessions. You cut them out of your life and never speak to them ever again. Oh and when you do end the friendship, send her a copy of the CCTV and let her know it has been forwarded to the police.

TheTartfulLodger · 03/05/2024 12:51

Mpc71 · 02/05/2024 12:25

I didn’t make it clear but she got my son an amazing job and calling her out could jeopardise his future

Edited

Not as much as what you have on CCTV could jeopardise hers.

wherewegoing · 03/05/2024 16:28

Sillyjane · 03/05/2024 09:19

I think I’d be gentle if your sons job really is at risk, plus no one in their right mind Rob’s friends,

id message and say hey I see you borrowed x, just happened to see cctv, could you pop it back round when done, would be great if it was this week.

its enough to shame her, but doesn’t accuse her direct.

Really?

5128gap · 03/05/2024 19:37

Very matter of factly, state the facts and make your request. Dont try to question or start up a discussion.
'Friend, I saw you on the CCTV with the blue vase from the dining room. Could we have it back please? It's a family heirloom.'
If she denies it offer to show her the footage. If her friendship is Important and you have empathy with her probably compulsive behaviour and the MH issue that may be underlying it (which it sounds as though you do) then keep it very low key and allow her to go to save face, eg, if she claims it was a joke, or she picked it up in error, don't argue, but don't let her tell you she hasn't got it or refuse to return it.

Holliegee · 06/05/2024 18:57

If you want to be nice about it as I would (cos im
not into confrontation) I’d say to her that you saw on camera she’d taken it and can you have it back (make like it’s a joke) and say Dp is wanting to report it - then limit the friendship.

Houseofpainjumparound · 06/05/2024 19:04

So what happened op?

1989whome · 06/05/2024 19:04

Mpc71 · 02/05/2024 12:04

She helped my son get a job in a really difficult vocation.
Wet know it was her who stole the heirloom as we have cctv on our garage which showed her taking it out of her coat and looking at it as she left our property

Yea you still owe her nothing! If she values your friendship she would not steal from you! Definitely Confront her, you can't just let that go. Who knows what else she will steal!

CosyLemur · 06/05/2024 19:07

Could be a mental health issue, kelpomania is an actual thing. Maybe talk to her

Dareisayiseethesunshine · 06/05/2024 19:10

Email her boss the cctv anonymously...

Tripeandonions · 06/05/2024 19:12

Luckingfovely · 02/05/2024 12:06

First things first: you send her a message immediately saying that you have evidence she took it, and she has 24 hours to return it before you call the police. This is imperative.

After that, you can deal with the friendship thing.

This ^ - and please do it now, OP.

jenny38 · 06/05/2024 19:33

Some great ideas about tactfully addressing this, I would urge you to make contact tonight, so less chance she has got rid of the item. I would also send a screen shot of cctv, so she doesn't try to wiggle out of it, which would be even trickier. Interested to see how this goes op xx

Vonesk · 06/05/2024 19:46

To be honest, I dont see the point in doing anything going forward. All jewellery should be in a safe.
I have known someone like this and I came to the conclusion that theyre sick ( cleptamania)
If the whole group knows then have a group chat around the subject.
Ensure they dont bring a Large holdall to the party.
When youre in their House ' reclaim' items.
Afew things went missing for someone else , in my case, it took a while for the penny to drop. I had a valuable gold bracelet go missing while she was in the house. I was so frantic looking for it as we were all just about to go out. I had a full blown melt - down (100% not knowing they took it ,I just thought I DONT KNOW WHERE) It turned up inside a bin in the Bathroom.
Come to think of it this person ALWAYS goes UPSTAIRS to the Loo on every visit.!!!!!

LovesMNThreads · 06/05/2024 20:01

From my POV if it was a friend I really really valued then I would approach said friend or her husband if she's a bit sensitive and say something like look you clearly need help this isn't normal let me help you find a therapist we can tackle this problem together I'm not the only one to notice I'm just the only one who has you on camera. If your not that close approach the husband and make it his problem. In both scenarios insist on the return of the object you can even say I won't be involving the police as long as we get it back as an added incentive. As your worried about your sons job just say we can keep this between us. However if there is retaliation surely you have all the proof for unfair dismissal and if its a difficult and presumably small industry to get in you can always out and shame her - she doesn't hold all the power here just because she helped your son.

toni6994 · 06/05/2024 20:46

So she’s stolen a heirloom and you’re reluctant to fuck the friendship off because you like her partner… 😂🤯 Are you okay?

Pallisers · 06/05/2024 20:49

Is it possible this is the beginning of some mental crisis or early dementia?

Not that it matters why. Call her husband and tell him she seems to have taken a piece of glass by mistake - you have it on cctv - so could he please drop it back to you immediately.

When he does, ask him if everything is ok with her.

Kazzybingbong · 07/05/2024 17:31

Squigglewigglediggle · 02/05/2024 15:03

I don't buy the CCTV evidence. In your OP you say in brackets (it had to be her) which to me implies you have your suspicions and is an odd turn of phrase if you have absolute concrete proof.

Agreed. Doesn’t add up.

squirrelnutkin10 · 07/05/2024 18:22

GagCity · 02/05/2024 11:56
She stole a family heirloom, upset your whole family by doing so and you’re not sure how to address it because she’s super fragile?! You’re a better person than me

This ^

the7Vabo · 08/05/2024 09:20

I think I understand why you are a hesitant.

Her behaviour is morally wrong but also very odd. I would ask for the item back but frame it as concern. Along the lines of “ look we watched our CCTV and saw you put X in your coat, you’ve been a great friend and we appreciate the help with son’s job, but X is a treasured item and we need it back. We are also worried about you and whether you are ok”

I stole an item as child once it is burned into my brain, it was a stationary item, at age when girls are into such things. I walk into people’s houses every day now who have lovely things, I cannot contemplate stealing something. I can’t even imagine taking the item home and having it. It would feel so horrible.

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