Light fingered friend

[Mpc71]

We often meet with a group of friends for dinner parties and a bit of a laugh.
We've started to realise that one of the bunch has developed a habit for pinching things from our house and from other friends.
I can't quite understand her, she has a great job, is really lovely, has a lovely partner ( who I think is aware of the issue!), yet she is gaining a terrible reputation due to this awful habit.
She's nicked all sorts from a treasured glass to really expensive slippers.
I'm not sure how to address it as she can be super fragile; it's been really upsetting for my whole family after she (it had to be her!) stole a family heirloom.
I really don't want to ditch her as a friend because her partner is such a great chap (bit hairy but otherwise ok).
Any advice on how to move forward gratefully received!

I didn’t make it clear but she got my son an amazing job and calling her out could jeopardise his future

Oh, this is just pure nonsense. Are you very bored, op?

It's still not right that you're beholden to her! How about: hi Tealeaf, we massively appreciate you helping DS get that job. Just wondering why you took the heirloom?
Her: I didn't!
You: I saw you on cctv and I'd really like it back.

She might think she owns you but you have her stealing on cctv.

That’s helpful

Kleptomania isnt about how much money someone has, it's a compulsion that releases dopamine which makes the person feel good. It's a bit like a gambling addict. Many people who steal dont do it because they cant afford the item, it gives them a thrill to do it and so it carries on- they get a brain reward from doing it.

The roots of it can often be found in childhood- it's a way to self soothe. None of is this is an excuse by any means, I am just referring to your comment that you dont get it as she isnt poor and otherwise seems lovely.

I think much depends on what you actually want from this friendship. Your choices are:

1. Tell her that you know she took it, can see it on CCTV and it indicates she's really not ok and needs to seek help/counselling as this will damage future relationships and is upsetting people
2. Cut the friendship off completely and no longer let her anywhere near your house or belongings. Her partner being nice is completely irrelevant here to this situation.

My priority would be getting the heirloom back, and you have best chance of this if you let her save face. 'Hi, just noticed you have accidentally picked up the red widget from the living room, must have been one of those absent-minded moments we all have, ha ha. It's a family item with great sentimental value, so could you drop it back to me tonight, thanks x'

If she doesn't return it quickly, police. How can she damage your son's career now he's in role, unless she is the business owner?

This thieving behaviour can be viewed as an illness. If this person is otherwise a very good friend, I'd be inclined to try to help them.

First step is to gently call them out on it. You don't have to call them a thief but could just send a message saying 'Looking forward to seeing you for dinner tomorrow. Bring the vase back with you please!'.

Or you could broach it in conversation and say that you realise she has a problem and would she like to talk about it.

I do know someone who had to approach a distant relative about similar. They kept it short but clear. 'I know you've been taking xyz but I need you to stop straight away'. They did stop. Relationship in tact.

Super fragile? She is a theif but I have to admit I am suspicious of threads that include the word chap?

Then if you want to stay friendly, don't have her in your house again.

She obviously has issues but that still doesn't make it okay. Bad enough if she started shoplifting, but to steal from friends?

How exactly? She's not going to want anybody to know there is CCTV of her stealing from her friends.

Post the cctv on TikTok - that would be fun or send her a clip. Agnsting about it and doing nothing seemed a strange choice.

The husband is hairy is he? 🤔 like a troll?

This thread is super strange!

If her partner is a really great friend and you don’t want to speak to her then send him a wee WhatsApp with the video you have and say “Really don’t want to make a big deal out of this as we understand she is going through someone right now and has been taking things from a lot of people, but this is a family heirloom and we cannot ignore this. I need it back and we will say no more about it.”

Then start cutting contact down to the minimum.

Then don't do anything about it and continue to be a mug

Madness that you are using this as a reason.
You have evidence. Use it.

Id also be telling the rest of the group. Supposing she stole heirloom jewellery from them. It’d be heartbreaking.

If you really really can’t shop her to the police, stop her entering your house. Simple!

Well if there is any mugs left that is

Text her partner and get him to steal the heirloom back from her. Then never invite her round again, go out for dinner instead.

This makes no sense at all.

Is it Louise ?
If it is this isn't a new thing !

Yeh! Show partner the evidence and get him to return the stolen item(s). Especially the heirloom. She has robbed your kid(s) of their inheritance.

Unless he’s employed by her own company then his employer would be more concerned with your friend’s impending criminal record.

I agree completely with the posters who have said you need to tackle this head-on, @Mpc71. Tell her you have CCTV evidence that she took the family heirloom and that she must return it immediately, or you will take the footage to the police.

If she does have kleptomania, due to a traumatic childhood, or whatever, she needs to face up to this, accept she has a problem, and get help - and she is never going to do that whilst you and all her friends carry on tiptoeing around her, letting her steal from you all.

Hard as it sounds, it is time for a blunt talk - tell her that you know that, not only did she steal the heirloom but you are sure she has stolen multiple other items from you and her other friends, and that she needs to get help pronto, otherwise she will have no friends left. And that, until she does, you will be meeting her in her house, or in a cafe/park etc, not your home.

🤣