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Original poster

A sex one...

167 replies

AvocadoOodie · 02/05/2024 07:59

My partner and I have been together for 3 years and recently got engaged.

We used to have sex 3 or 4 times a week. Dropped to once a week and, over recent months, it's dropped to once a fortnight.

I've read similar posts on here that say it's nothing to do with attraction but how can you be sure?

I don't feel he finds me attractive. I've tried talking to him about it and he says he does but those are words that are not backed up by actions. He's affectionate but in those two weeks, I get used to there not being any sex in the relationship and it feels awkward when it happens and i feel unattractive and reluctant.

Without the interest from him, I lose interest in it myself. I just cant go from being someone who doesn't have sex to someone who then does have sex once a fortnight. I feel like he is just having sex with me to scratch an itch or because he's aware it's been a fortnight and so feels obliged to rather than wanting to. I just don't feel attractive or like a sexual being at all anymore if I'm honest.

I dont understand how it can go from 3 or 4 times aweek, to once a week to once a fortnight without there being a reason for it (eg he doesn't find me attractive but feels horny once a fortnight or he's meeting his sexual needs in other ways during the rest of the time and he's having 'maintenance sex' with me - neither of which makes me feel particularly in the mood!)

If he's getting his sexual needs met elsewhere the majority of the time, why not just do that all the time? If he doesn't find me attractive, why do it with me at all?

I'd rather not have sex at all than only have it once a fortnight tbh.

Any words of wisdom?

OP posts:
Original poster
AvocadoOodie · 02/05/2024 08:01

If I initiate it, he rejects me, can't keep it up or doesn't finish which is why I'm assuming he's meeting his needs elsewhere/doesnt find me attractive.

So I don't bother anymore because it's awkward for both of us.

OP posts:
Didimum · 02/05/2024 08:04

How old are you both, OP? I couldn’t stay in a relationship like this, especially with someone unwilling to engage with the disconnect.

InWithPeaceOutWithStress · 02/05/2024 08:06

Is he using porn?

Original poster
AvocadoOodie · 02/05/2024 08:07

Late 40s/50s.

I've not got the greatest relationship history and was in a coompletely sexless relationship previously for a very long time.

So I'm not sure if my 'expectations' are skewed.

OP posts:
Original poster
AvocadoOodie · 02/05/2024 08:07

InWithPeaceOutWithStress · 02/05/2024 08:06

Is he using porn?

I haven't asked. I assume so.

I assume that's the reason behind his lack of interest or need to with me.

OP posts:
OrlandointheWilderness · 02/05/2024 08:19

It is absolutely perfectly possible that he just doesn't have a high sex drive. He is of the age when it slows down a bit for some men. If he didn't find you attractive he wouldn't have sex with you at all. I'd be more concerned with the fact you immediately think he's getting it elsewhere!
You need to both have a calm conversation about this.

Original poster
AvocadoOodie · 02/05/2024 08:27

I dint think he's having an affair or anything like that but he clearly doesn't need or want sex with me.

I'm scared to broach it very directly because I don't think he'd admit to meeting his needs elsewhere - that's a pretty damning thing to admit! And I don't really want tp hear that he isn't attracted to me. Even though I know it's the truth.

I know he loves me but everyone makes compromises for their relationship and I think not fancying me is the sacrifice he's willing to make for the reason that his sex drive is likely to be reduced now and it feels less important to him.

OP posts:
Original poster
AvocadoOodie · 02/05/2024 08:30

I could deal with no sex at all. If he jait doesn't find me attractive. It's the fortnightly thing that upsets me.

Either do or don't. I don't need him to try and protect my feelings by thinking he probably should now and again.

OP posts:
BananaLambo · 02/05/2024 08:31

If he’s in his 50s he may be having physical problems that could be alleviated by something like viagra. It would be worth him visiting his GP.

Original poster
AvocadoOodie · 02/05/2024 08:32

It's just creating a vicious circle now though.

The less he is interested, the less I'm interested so, when it comes to the fortnight deadline, I aware it's on the cards and that feels awkward and I dread it rather than looking forward to it because it feels disingenuous.

OP posts:
Original poster
AvocadoOodie · 02/05/2024 08:32

BananaLambo · 02/05/2024 08:31

If he’s in his 50s he may be having physical problems that could be alleviated by something like viagra. It would be worth him visiting his GP.

He has no trouble getting an erection.

He just doesn't want to use it with me.

Sometimes he stays away from me in bed or pushes the duvet down between us to hide it from me.

OP posts:
2pence · 02/05/2024 08:53

Men's libido drops at this age. It's also very likely as he ages he'll start to struggle to maintain an erection. Who do you think all the erectile disfunction ads are aimed at? It's really, really common and a normal part of aging for all men.

Are you younger than him? It's happens in line with menopause and peri menopause for women and I suppose is nature's way of keeping us aligned.

Francisflute · 02/05/2024 09:04

AvocadoOodie · 02/05/2024 08:32

He has no trouble getting an erection.

He just doesn't want to use it with me.

Sometimes he stays away from me in bed or pushes the duvet down between us to hide it from me.

Edited
Show quote history

Have you asked him what's going on when this happens?

Secondstart1001 · 02/05/2024 11:22

@AvocadoOodie I think the most crushing thing for you, is that he rejects you when you initiate. Does he give you any reason or see that you are upset when he rejects you like this?
I think that if all was good you would be happy with a more active sex life, it’s his behavior that is affecting your confidence.
Is he loving with you outside of the bedroom, is there affection, compliments and acts of service?

Original poster
AvocadoOodie · 02/05/2024 11:51

Secondstart1001 · 02/05/2024 11:22

@AvocadoOodie I think the most crushing thing for you, is that he rejects you when you initiate. Does he give you any reason or see that you are upset when he rejects you like this?
I think that if all was good you would be happy with a more active sex life, it’s his behavior that is affecting your confidence.
Is he loving with you outside of the bedroom, is there affection, compliments and acts of service?

I don't show that I'm upset tbh. Because I wouldn't want him to he upset if I wasn't in the mood. He doesn't have to have sex with me if he doesn't want to. It's the reason why he doesn't want to that concerns me.

I tried speaking to him. He insists he loves me, which I don't doubt. He insists he finds attractive but that bit, I just don't believe.

He is very loving amd affectionate otherwise. That hasn't changed in any way.

I know people's libido can change with age but he just doesn't seem interested at all really. Occasionally, he's tried doing things for me if he's not in the mood but I hate that. I don't want to feel like I'm being serviced.

He's saidnofntheres anything I want him to do that he isn't doing to just say so and I do/have. But he never says anything to me about what he likes/wants and so it just doesn't feel balanced.

OP posts:
altmember · 02/05/2024 12:07

Sounds like his sex drive makes him a once a fortnight person. It's not particularly unusual, just means that the two of you aren't sexually compatible. If you can't live with once a fortnight then the relationship is doomed.

Watchkeys · 02/05/2024 12:14

I've read similar posts on here that say it's nothing to do with attraction but how can you be sure

You ask. If you can't, or don't trust the response, you don't marry that person. You can't spend your life committed to someone you don't trust with such intimate issues.

Tweedrabbits · 02/05/2024 12:15

I think you are going to have to talk to him op.

It's not an easy conversation to broach but neither is being in the position you are atm op, with lots of different scenarios running through your head.

Looking at this objectively, there are lots of other reasons for his current slowing of interest, that are entirely unrelated to you, such as stress or another issue at work, a health problem, money worries. It could be anything!

Talk to him in a non-accusatory, very low key, non-demanding way.

And maybe suggest a holiday?

Secondstart1001 · 02/05/2024 13:03

It sounds like he is willing to please you and he offers to give you pleasure which you see as “servicing”. Why is it such a bad thing for you to just receive pleasure? I can relate to this. When I am on my period I often volunteer a BJ, he loves it and it turns me on giving it too and sometimes it will get so heated that will lead to us being like oh fuck it let’s dtd. This might happen for you also?

However I do agree with other posters in that you need to have a conversation with him as you are getting upset and have lots of scenarios in your head.

I am not minimising your feelings op, mine would be the same if I was in this situation. I do get that for you love, attraction and sex are all very interlinked.

It might be a “him” problem if he is refusing sex but wanting to please you and if he’s loving too?

Bumblebeeinatree · 02/05/2024 13:08

Sounds like ED if he can't get or keep an erection. Has he spoken to his GP, or tried Viagra or whatever they call it now.

neilyoungismyhero · 02/05/2024 13:10

It's not he can't get it up more that he doesn't want to get it in. It's important and if you intend marriage you need to be able to discuss this with him.

Moidershewrote · 02/05/2024 13:18

In the nicest possible way OP, you’re coming across a little hard to please and seem absolutely convinced he doesn’t fancy you, but without much evidence to back that up.. I think it’s fairly natural in most relationships for sex to both slow down in terms of regularity and also the general ebb and flow of our own individual drives. Some months I want to do it more and sometimes I go months and don’t feel like it at all.

He’s made it clear he loves you, is attracted to you and offers to pleasure you, even if he isn’t feeling in the mood himself. All of those things are really positive.

It sounds a bit more like you have a self worth / esteem issue as you keep insisting he isn’t attracted to you.

Edenmum2 · 02/05/2024 13:24

Did you really imagine you'd be having sex 4-5 times a week forever? I think it's pretty natural for it to dwindle, once a fortnight isn't bad but if it's a problem for you then you both need to be on the same page

Secondstart1001 · 02/05/2024 13:38

Edenmum2 · 02/05/2024 13:24

Did you really imagine you'd be having sex 4-5 times a week forever? I think it's pretty natural for it to dwindle, once a fortnight isn't bad but if it's a problem for you then you both need to be on the same page

I def think it’s realistic to have sex at least twice a week a minimum. Yes I know that varies with age …both Dp and I are in 40’s and together 4 years and it’s 3-4 times a week and we don’t live together for the whole week.
I think the sex has dwindled too quickly in this situation tbh.

Thegreatgiginthesky · 02/05/2024 13:43

How is his health generally? Is he overweight or suffering from poor sleep or stress. I think these things can affect men's testosterone levels which may reduce his sex drive. As men get older they tend to get more oestrogen dominant and their sex drive declines (unless they actively look after their health). In contrast for many women sex drive increases as their oestrogen declines and they get more testosterone dominant.