A sex one...

[AvocadoOodie]

My partner and I have been together for 3 years and recently got engaged.

We used to have sex 3 or 4 times a week. Dropped to once a week and, over recent months, it's dropped to once a fortnight.

I've read similar posts on here that say it's nothing to do with attraction but how can you be sure?

I don't feel he finds me attractive. I've tried talking to him about it and he says he does but those are words that are not backed up by actions. He's affectionate but in those two weeks, I get used to there not being any sex in the relationship and it feels awkward when it happens and i feel unattractive and reluctant.

Without the interest from him, I lose interest in it myself. I just cant go from being someone who doesn't have sex to someone who then does have sex once a fortnight. I feel like he is just having sex with me to scratch an itch or because he's aware it's been a fortnight and so feels obliged to rather than wanting to. I just don't feel attractive or like a sexual being at all anymore if I'm honest.

I dont understand how it can go from 3 or 4 times aweek, to once a week to once a fortnight without there being a reason for it (eg he doesn't find me attractive but feels horny once a fortnight or he's meeting his sexual needs in other ways during the rest of the time and he's having 'maintenance sex' with me - neither of which makes me feel particularly in the mood!)

If he's getting his sexual needs met elsewhere the majority of the time, why not just do that all the time? If he doesn't find me attractive, why do it with me at all?

I'd rather not have sex at all than only have it once a fortnight tbh.

Any words of wisdom?

Late 30s?! I wish! 🤣

Late 40s.

Sounds like he wants a companion relationship.

If you don’t then leave.

If you want this relationship to work you need to understand each other regards sex and attraction

To do this you need psychosexual counselling

You're not going to be able to sort it out between yourselves

If you or he won't do therapy you need to end the relationship

Op, how is it when you go on holiday/ get away from the stress of life?
Do you have more sex then or is it no different?

No different really.

We've only been away for between 2 and 4 nights because I have animals and don't like leaving them for longer than that. He says he's fine with that. We go away for a few weekends a year.

Sometimes it's happened once, sometimes not at all.

I think its OPs house

Sorry op, but this could be the crux of this.
Where did he live before he was with you? How does it compare? How much has moving in your home affected his convenience and finances?

It’s not going to improve at this age. As you have experienced a sexless relationship previously, I’m sure you don’t want another to drift that way.

He had a flat before which he loved.

It costs him more (half the bills at my house are more than he paid when he lived alone) and it's a bigger house to maintain. He does all the gardening and the lion's share of the housework tbh because of a large dispairty in our workloads/working hours despite having comparable salaries. He also does most of the cooking which is more labour intensive because he used to live on 'bachelor food' and now he has to cook meals! I rent so there's no intention to gain a stake in the property.

He also does all his own laundry. There's no sense of him having moved in with me to make his life easier. I've probably benefitted more than him.

Like I say, in so many ways it works really well. He just doesn't seem to find me sexually attractive.

Glad it's not that. But there's obviously something, as you know.

I wouldn't be able to let it lie.

There's some secret life going on. I hope you can find out soon.

Tbh, it wouldn't really bother me. I've lived without it before and I could.live without it again.

The sexless relationship I was in, we were still affectionate with each other. We just didn't have do anything sexual or even kiss. We still hugged, cuddled on the sofa, gave foot/back rubs etc but it was platonic rather than sexual/romantic. It met a need in both of us. There was no elephant in the room. Whereas there is now.

I think I feel it more now because it hasn't been explicitly taken off the table. I'd rather it didn't happen at all than felt like this.

When i was in the sexless relationship, I don't remember ever feeling unattractive. Sex was just never part of it. We did at the beginning a few times but it was weird and awkward so we just stopped. This time, i feel he has communicated to me that he doesn't find me attractive in that way but sex is still on the table however infrequently or however much he loses interest.

Eg, last time we did, a couple of weeks ago. He was very attentive towards me because he likes doing it. But, when I tried to reciprocate, he stopped me after a few seconds. He tells me that if I want something sexuaply to ask or if I want to do something eg give him a bj then I just should. But, if I do, he stops me. It's not the first time it's happened and it's been months since I last tried because of this.

I've asked him how he'd like it (as everyone's different) but he just doesn't really answer me.

So I've decided I won't do it again. But I don't think he'll realise that's why. And he won't ask because he wouldn't want to put pressure on me to do something I don't want to do.

He's not controlling in any way so I don't think it's malicious in intent. It's just really, really awkward. The less attractive I feel, the less attractive I become.

That's what I mean about it all just becoming really awkward.

There's a whole herd of elephants tbh.

Yes. There is something.

I've even become hyper aware of how long he goes out for when he goes somewhere, the level.of detail he gives me about where he's been (too much - he's trying to make it sound believable. Too little - he's hiding something). And that's just so unlike me I can't even begin to explain.

I've never looked through a boyfriend's phone and I wouldn't but I have felt tempted. Wondered what I'd find if I did.

I really don't think he's seeing someone but I have wondered whether he has an 'arrangement'. I simply don't believe he has no sexual relationship with anyone. I've seen too many threads on here where a woman has assumed her husband was happy going without sex only to find he wasn't going without sex at all to believe that.

I do think it’s exactly this deep g as he’s glued to his phone. It’s might be very convenient for him living with you, but it isn’t for you if it’s making you feel like shit.
It seems whatever spark that was there is gone and you are living like housemates.
i could not confine like this - you are not financially tied to this man, no kids together snd pets are yours.
you could also try seeing what he’s doing on his phone? I do not think you are imagining how he is with pu! Something is off with him though and you know ir due to being friends for so long!

Hi op, thanks for the update, suspected things may be the same, its easy to get 'stuck' in these situations, mine no doubt loves me and wants to be with me, but has little interest at the same time, its very confusing and quite boring, but i think low libido/stress is the reason in his defence 🙄

Tbh op, unpopular opinion for most, but id be going thru his phone, id want to see and know for sure what hes up to, then decide from there.

Well.

I didn't get quite as far as discussing it with him.

I raised a relatively minor issue that I've addressed before as a precursor to discussing it.

He did the whole "Well I'm baffled. I've ever heard this before" facial expression - eyebrows raised/head shake...

He had no idea. I reminded him that I'd previously mentioned this particular thing - had no recollection, of course. He said nothing other than, "I have no idea what you're talking about." Of course that's what he said. It's all he ever says.

He does, of course. I didn't even have chance to segue into the real issue. He didn't say anything. I didn't say anything and now neither of us has said a word to the other for, ooh, about 3 hours now.

I don't see the point.

Anything I say is going to he met with the same bemusement and faux confusion. I might as well save my breath.

I think he’s in some state of denial here …he’s also gaslighting you, in a way making out the change is all in your head when it’s quite obvious there’s been a shift in your relationship.
it sounds like you were in a deadlock last week in silence, how long did it last?
@AvocadoOodie sorry to say this but he sounds like he doesn’t care how you feel and worse like he is hiding something. He doesn’t want to have a head in conversation as he’s prob worried you will tell him to leave.

I think for your own sanity this needs to end, its drifting along into nothingness really, you deserve so much more ❤️