A sex one...

[AvocadoOodie]

My partner and I have been together for 3 years and recently got engaged.

We used to have sex 3 or 4 times a week. Dropped to once a week and, over recent months, it's dropped to once a fortnight.

I've read similar posts on here that say it's nothing to do with attraction but how can you be sure?

I don't feel he finds me attractive. I've tried talking to him about it and he says he does but those are words that are not backed up by actions. He's affectionate but in those two weeks, I get used to there not being any sex in the relationship and it feels awkward when it happens and i feel unattractive and reluctant.

Without the interest from him, I lose interest in it myself. I just cant go from being someone who doesn't have sex to someone who then does have sex once a fortnight. I feel like he is just having sex with me to scratch an itch or because he's aware it's been a fortnight and so feels obliged to rather than wanting to. I just don't feel attractive or like a sexual being at all anymore if I'm honest.

I dont understand how it can go from 3 or 4 times aweek, to once a week to once a fortnight without there being a reason for it (eg he doesn't find me attractive but feels horny once a fortnight or he's meeting his sexual needs in other ways during the rest of the time and he's having 'maintenance sex' with me - neither of which makes me feel particularly in the mood!)

If he's getting his sexual needs met elsewhere the majority of the time, why not just do that all the time? If he doesn't find me attractive, why do it with me at all?

I'd rather not have sex at all than only have it once a fortnight tbh.

Any words of wisdom?

But he never finishes anymore. There didn't used to be any problem.

you are looking for signs that he is not attractive to you

No, I'm looking for signs that he is. But all I'm seeing is signs that he isn't.

have you asked him if he watches porn?

No.

Early on in the relationship, he volunteered that he hadn't in about 10 years. I hadn't asked him. I thought that was pretty unlikely but didn't say anything other than "Oh really?" Because I hadn't asked and didn't really want to know. I don't like porn but accept that men use it so I've always taken the attitude that, unless it is impacting on the relationship, its nothing to do with me. I think it's pretty obvious that he is given his lack of interest in me. But I don't want to hear it and don't want to face the fact that he chose to offer a lie about it in the beginning when I hadn't asked nor expressed any opinion on it.

He's gone from having a reasonably high sex drive with me to pretty much nothing at all. That's not settling into a 'routine' that's not being interested.

It's so hard though.

I woke up really early and have been sitting in the garden since 7am. He came out about an hour ago with a cup of tea and we just sat in silence. Then he started talking about going to the garden centre and what flowers did I want.

In his shoes, I'd have brought up last nights conversation. Can we talk a out what you said last night? Did you mean what you said last night? I don't think inreally understand what you were trying to say last night. Do you want to talk about it? Anything. But instead he talked about going to the garden centre after sitting in silence for an hour.

I can't keep being the one to try and talk about things whilst he's the one to shut it down and then pretend it didn't happen.

He's just left for the garden centre now. He won't bring it up and me initiating any conversation will be pointless.

I appreciate what you are saying about the conversation sounding intense but it's not the first time I've tried to bring it up. Beating around the bush hasn't worked so I thought I'd try a more direct approach. Still the same confused response and then just ignored.

Also, the attractive woman last night, did he give you any reason to believe we would be interested in her?

We'd gone to see a couple of bands at a small venue. She was the singer in the first one - very attractive, young, nice figure, confident, self assured - just attractive overall and quite sexy. Even I could see it so I don't believe he couldn't.

I said I was going outside for some fresh air before the next band came on because it was starting to make my brain hurt (wasn't really my kind of music). He agreed that they weren't as good this time as previously; she'd changed her singing style, and he didn't like it; he didn't like the new material and it was overall the sort of music/vocal style he really doesnt like and has spoken of this often in the past. In short, he wasn't enjoying it all allegedly. And yet he stayed and watched the whole thing.

Normally, if he makes as many complaints about a band as he did about them, he'd be the one suggesting going outside for fresh air.

So something was keeping him in there. He was sitting/standing on his own for a good part of it for various reasons so it wasn't even the social aspect of talking to his friends that was keeping him there. He wasn't talking to me either. He was just watching a band he didn't enjoy on his own.

And I wouldn't really have minded any of that, I don't think, if I weren't already feeling this way. In fact, I don't think I'd have noticed.

It's just hard standing there and watching your partner be obviously attracted to someone else whilst knowing they're not attracted to you.

I've been there before. It's just horrible.

@AvocadoOodie no no it’s ok it was an intense conversation and yes I completely get it that he should bring it up. Sees like he’s trying to sweep it under the carpet however not the behaviour in that he is not giving you the silent treatment.
I completely get you prob didn’t sleep last night. Too much in your head right now. Some of these thoughts are intrusive and it’s easy for this to happen when you are not feeling like you are in a secure place - you want love, affection and to feel wanted. Your feelings are completely valid! But you can’t carry on like this. The effect on your mental health is too much.
I think take some baby steps … try initiating hand holding or a cuddle, and start making yourself feel attractive for you and stop punishing yourself. I don’t think it’s all in your head btw … you know your relationship and how it was before but please be kind to yourself.

Meant “note” the behaviour!

Thank you.

No he's not giving me the silent treatment. We sat in silence because I don't think he knew what to say which is why he talked about garden centres.

But I can't keep bringing it up.

I know what you mean about me initiating small things like handholding etc. I just feel so uncomfortable doing it now. I assume that, if he hasn't, it's because he doesn't want to so it feels intrusive.

You're also right about the intrusive thoughts but I don't feel safe or secure. I feel like I don't know what's going on and I'm withdrawing to protect myself. Not as a punishment.

and start making yourself feel attractive for you

This is the bit I'm struggling with the most.

I don't feel attractive. I feel stupid doing things that would make me more attractive so I don't. Which just makes me feel less attractive. I understand that that is a vicious circle though.

But when I do do anything to make myself feel attractive, it actually makes me feel worse about myself and foolish to boot.

For the first year or so, he made me feel like the only woman in the room. Not in a lovebombing unhealthy way, but in a safe and secure way. While I believed he found me attractive, it didn't really matter that I didn't necessarily agree. I knew he wasn't seeing me through my eyes and I just trusted his words and his actions. And that's all I'm doing now.

And have you actually asked him if he is having any sexual performance issues , or are you just thinking that?

I get where you're coming from op. Its about feeling wanted/desired by your partner, touch and intimacy are very important to me in a relationship, its how we connect, having a partner who shows no interest is soul destroying, not sure what the answer is other than to leave, which is a shame, but we all have needs....and yours are not being met.

I'm not aware of him having trouble getting an erection.

He has lost it a few times but that's due to age and he's been honest about that. It was never been a big deal and i didnt take it personally. The way I feel isn't to do with that.

Losing interest and/or not being able to finish has only been more recent. To begin with, he would say it wasn't going to happen for him this time when it happened and that was fine. Now I can't remember the last time he ejaculated with me.

I'm not using 'losing interest' as a euphemism for losing his erection. I mean, he literally can't be bothered having sex and the whole thing just peters out. Like he's bored and getting nothing from it and would rather just go to sleep.

The sad thing is, he doesn't understand how I feel because he won't talk about.

So the reverse must also be true that I don't understand how he feels because he won't talk about it.

I'm left filling in the blanks because I've got nothing from him and he must be doing the same.

But I've tried to talk about it and he just deflects and is effectively putting his fingers in his ears and shouting la la, I can't hear you at me

Yeh hes avoiding the conversation, hes happy as things are, doesnt want to put the effort in or change. My bf is similar, an avoidant, i struggle to get the emotional depth that i need, its just surface level stuff.....therefore i also fill in the blanks, hes not interested, so i also withdraw, its shit op, effects your self esteem and confidence.....which maybe they want 🤷‍♀️

how old is he ?
had any health checks recently?
PSA, cholesterol, testosterone, thyroid?

if he's in his 50s i'd say once a fortnight is normal

“But I've tried to talk about it and he just deflects and is effectively putting his fingers in his ears and shouting la la, I can't hear you at me”

It is avoidant behaviour and it’s upsetting as you can only bring things up to a point. He has to need to care and come to the table.

I am very much like you @AvocadoOodie in that I do need the hugs, kisses and reassurance and the intimacy. I get that from my partner and if things changed I would want to know why and would hurt. Some my say it’s needy but it’s not, we all know what we need in a relationship and that’s my need.

Sometimes my partner will try and get out of a conversation that maybe uncomfortable but he will talk about it eventually. He’s early 40s and I’m getting into my late 40’s now.

In terms of you saying that you feel he fancied the singer so stayed and watched… I’m not sure what to say on this apart from you of course where there and know him best.

I hope you can find something to make you feel better, it sounds like the feelings you are having are getting more intense and that there’s other stuff also going on right now maybe now being discussed but perhaps interlinked in some way?

Thanks for your replies.

It's helpful to read different perspectives.

I think what's upsetting me the most today is that there's somewhere we're supposed to be going on a couple of weeks time. He's going but I’ve been really non committal about it because of this and because I know how bad I'm going to feel and I don't want to put a downer on the weekend for anyone else.

I told.him last night that this was the reason why I've been so non committal and he still hasn't brought it up or responded to that.

Just the faux "Where has this come from?" and in the garden today. I've been asleep all afternoon because I got so little sleep last night.

Well the same place its come from everytime I've tried to bring it up with him.

I'm at the stage now where the only answer I can see is to break up with him. I can't just pretend everything is OK. I can't put it right on my own and he won't speak to me about it.

As for being emotionally unavailable. He isn't. That is also part of the issue. He is also (usually) very publicly tactile, is demonstrably loving, emotionally engaged etc. Except for this (and last night on general). This is the only thing he refuses to talk about.

As for the fancying the woman who was there, I've seen it before with other boyfriends/partners. Everyone notices people they think are attractive but that's different to really 'noticing' someone and being somewhat captivated by them.

It's usually obvious because they can't take their eyes off them and almost forget I'm there.

I hope you can find something to make you feel better, it sounds like the feelings you are having are getting more intense and that there’s other stuff also going on right now maybe now being discussed but perhaps interlinked in some way?

Thank you.

The other things aren't interlinked. One was die to my daughter but that was sorted yesterday and the other is a work issue. But certainly my confidence in dealing with them or rather my confidence in a positive outcome is impacted.

I can see him from the bedroom window sitting in the garden on his phone. He won't even be thinking about what I said last night. He certainly won't bring it up.

I didn't even plan to say anything last night or know what I was going to say. The words were out of my mouth before I realised. So yes, the way I feel about it has got bigger.

He is in his 50s. But like I say, the lack of sex, I've realised, is less of an issue than the fact he won't talk to me about it. And I just don't feel he is attracted to me generally. Sex is just the biggest way in which that manifests.

He's still sitting in the garden on his phone.

This isn't going to get any better is it?

He's not ignoring me. He's shown me what he bought from the garden centre and told.me my daughter messaged him earlier but on this, there's nothing.

I know him well enough to know he won't bring it up and I also know him.welle nough to know there's no point bringing it up again myself.

He can't see the causal relationship between him behaving as though he isn't attracted to me and me behaving as though he isn't attracted to me.

Why would I initiate anything with someone I don't think is attracted ro me?

What does he think is going to happen if he keeps fobbing me off and ignoring me? It's hardly going to resolve things.

I'm still upset but I'm increasingly feeling really pissed off now.

You are so in your own head OP.

You are over thinking every little thing your partner says and does, and analysing it to an unhealthy degree. By pushing and pushing and demanding you talk about issues he will feel are totally non existent, you will sabotage what might be a generally healthy and happy relationship with your need for validation.

Honestly I really think therapy is the answer.

Does he know this? Because he could be thinking that as you put up with it once........you will again.

I sympathise greatly, DW just won’t talk about why she’s not interested in sex, I’ve asked if she doesn’t enjoy it, does she want to try different things, does she just not find me attractive anymore, does she think she’s unattractive to me so doesn’t want to bother or would she rather be doing it with someone else , she never answers but like your husband looking at another woman,she spends time looking at and liking and commenting on everything an old male school “ friend” puts on Facebook, she’d never mentioned him but got in touch about 18 months ago, I really wish there was an easy answer for both of us

I'm not pushing and pushing.

I've brought it up twice in the last 6 months and once before that.

The only reason I've had to bring it up more than once is that he completely refuses to talk about it at all.

I've no input other than what I think.

Honestly, the advice can't be both "talk to him about it" and "don't talk to him about it."

It's irrelevant whether he feels its non existent or not. Either I matter or I don't.

He does know. He also knows I won't put up with it again.

It's not sexless yet but it just feels very perfunctory and is clearly unsatisfying for both of us.

I've realised I'm not all that fussed about the sex. If it's that he just doesn't want sex that's fine.

If he does but not with me that's not.