A sex one...

[AvocadoOodie]

My partner and I have been together for 3 years and recently got engaged.

We used to have sex 3 or 4 times a week. Dropped to once a week and, over recent months, it's dropped to once a fortnight.

I've read similar posts on here that say it's nothing to do with attraction but how can you be sure?

I don't feel he finds me attractive. I've tried talking to him about it and he says he does but those are words that are not backed up by actions. He's affectionate but in those two weeks, I get used to there not being any sex in the relationship and it feels awkward when it happens and i feel unattractive and reluctant.

Without the interest from him, I lose interest in it myself. I just cant go from being someone who doesn't have sex to someone who then does have sex once a fortnight. I feel like he is just having sex with me to scratch an itch or because he's aware it's been a fortnight and so feels obliged to rather than wanting to. I just don't feel attractive or like a sexual being at all anymore if I'm honest.

I dont understand how it can go from 3 or 4 times aweek, to once a week to once a fortnight without there being a reason for it (eg he doesn't find me attractive but feels horny once a fortnight or he's meeting his sexual needs in other ways during the rest of the time and he's having 'maintenance sex' with me - neither of which makes me feel particularly in the mood!)

If he's getting his sexual needs met elsewhere the majority of the time, why not just do that all the time? If he doesn't find me attractive, why do it with me at all?

I'd rather not have sex at all than only have it once a fortnight tbh.

Any words of wisdom?

It clearly went in on some level because he put his arm around me on the sofa this evening while we watched TV for the first time in months.

I stayed for an hour but then came to bed.

I just feel so sad and deflated.

I don't want forced gestures. I want a conversation where he listens and responds with words that I can understand rather than gestures I'm expected to interpret.

Would you even believe him if he opened up now? You have yourself so convinced that he's just not attracted to you. All your "evidence" of this is your interpretation coming from a place of paranoia. He stayed to watch a singer sing - he must fancy her. He couldn't finish in bed - he's not attracted to me. Despite what we're led to believe about men always being up for sex, most of them don't enjoy sex with women who aren't enjoying it. I think it's very understandable that he loses interest during it if it is clear that you don't have any interest. If he tells you anything other than "I don't fancy you anymore", will you believe him?

You've got yourself into a vicious cycle with your thoughts. I genuinely think you might need to talk to someone more professional about this because I don't think him opening up is going to be enough to help.

I've asked myself that same question a lot today.

And I'm not sure.

We used to talk quite openly about 'personal' things but he shut that down too around the same time. He has said before that he has a bit of a tendency to think if he does nothing the problem will just go away.

I think I'd accept it on a superficial level but I think the damage done is too great now. I might trust that he is telling the truth but I don't think I'd ever feel 'safe' and secure again.

If he'd just talked about it the first time without shutting it down amd deflecting, we wouldn't be where we are now.

And for clarification, my 'evidence' isn't two isolated incidents from last night and last week. This is a situation that has been escalating for a year.

It's still all just confirmation bias. You think he isn't attracted to you so you look for things that confirm this.

Is it possible he doesn't feel safe talking to you about it? I don't know how conflict is generally managed within your relationship. But if discussions generally don't go well, or end in one person being or feeling shamed/blamed, people try to avoid having those conversations again.

Conversations have never been an issue.

Not from my side anyway.

I don't react hot headedly and only bring things up when I feel calm. He doesnt really bring things up but its the same when he does. Tbh, i havent really either. Were both generally pretty easy going and similar in many ways so there havent really been many conflicts.

We've never had a raised voice argument, disagreements have been resolved respectfully and quickly. Neither of us has ever raised a voice to the other. No grudges. Nothing. No unkind words have been said. No accusations'. No finger pointing or blaming. In fact, the only time I've felt it came to that in his response to me telling him how I felt last night.

I'm not used to this at all.

And no, I look for signs that he is attracted to me. I just don't see any.

I wish you could read your posts back and see things impartially because you’re suggesting things which may be completely untrue. For example, he told you he doesn’t watch porn and just because he’s only wanting sex once a fortnight, he must be watching porn and satisfying himself. This also means he has lied about his porn usage. I mean this in the kindest way possible but this is something you’ve decided yourself.

My partner is quite happy with sex once a fortnight and we’re not in our forties yet. I’ve asked him about this and he said he just doesn’t have the urge as much as he did when he was younger. He doesn’t masturbate, isn’t interested in anyone else and finds me attractive. He said he just enjoys the other things we do and doesn’t feel the need for so much sex. I would probably have it more often but I don’t doubt he is honest about how he feels and it’s just part of getting older for some people. He doesn’t initiate it out of pity or duty but because, once a fortnight or so, is how often he gets the urge.

If you’re giving off the same vibes that you are in your posts, your partner may have even less of an urge if your day-to-day life is less happy. Even though you say you’re doing things together, the going outside for air at the gig and leaving him alone, choosing not to initiate a conversation in the garden because he hadn’t etc, will create an atmosphere that is not conducive to sex.

You must get out of your head that if a man is not having sex with you, that he’s getting it elsewhere or ogling others and thinking of sex. It is an unfair stereotype because not all men are sex-mad and some really do lose the urge and not see it as that important.

With regards to your conversations about it, you suggest he doesn’t engage but then say you’ve only brought it up twice in six months and if one was the other night, he was clearly tired. Sometimes when I’ve wanted to talk to my partner at night, I’ve not understood why he doesn’t answer me or seem bothered but I think men just get tired and sleep. They don’t ruminate over things like we do or see the need to lose sleep to have a discussion. They also seem to think that if it’s not brought up again in the morning that everything is okay or they forget about it altogether. Your partner sounds like a normal man in this regard (albeit annoying sometimes for us who are the polar opposite).

I would focus on just having fun with your partner, being less uptight and genuinely enjoying your time with him, instead of wondering what he’s thinking or who he’s looking at. Take the pressure off both of you and make an effort again for yourself. You may think no harm done in slobbing out but that is what’s allowing you to think he’d prefer someone else and allowing you to convince yourself he’s not attracted to you. Remind yourself that you’re a catch and love yourself.

I would suggest having a conversation with your partner again, but at a time when you don’t need to rush off somewhere or sleep. Don’t hold back on how you feel because pretending you’re not hurt or that you’ve not withdrawn because you felt rejected, is not being honest with him and won’t help him understand how you feel. Listen to what he says but take him at face value and get out of your head with those intrusive thoughts. You both sound like a nice couple that have become poor communicators.

Namechanged4obviousreasons

I do see what you're saying but I live with him. I can't describe our entire lives here. Some of it is obvious to me and some is more subtle and nuanced.

It's an overall sense. He used to want us to go to bed together at the same time so we could talk or cuddle. But over the last few months, he often stays up to watch films without me and doesn't come up until I've fallen asleep.

In every other way, he is no different. He picks me up from work every day, when it's daylight and we're out it's not much different, if we go to the pub we chat and laugh as we did before but once we're at home in the evening or if we're out with other people, I feel the distance when I didn't before.

I got shortlisted for a job I really want the other day. When I told him, he gave me a matey 'punch' on the arm and said "well done, you". When he'd previously have hugged/kissed me and told me he was proud of me. He always used to say he was proud of me and he meant it.

It's just different.

Sounds like things have really come to a head this weekend for you @AvocadoOodie and it’s like you seem to be at a crossroads.
It’s very clear from the posts you’ve made over the last few weeks that something fundamental has changed in your relationship and that it is very upsetting.

So many posters seem to be hell bent on making this a you problem op you live with him, you know him, your gut is telling you something is off, the conversation gets shut down, hes clearly withdrawing and stonewalling when it comes to intimacy, you cant carry on like this, its an awful and miserable way to live.

I think thats the crux of it really.

He put his arm around me on the sofa and cuddled up to me in bed but I want a conversation. Not to be ignored and have gestures.

I want him to he honest with me and respond to what I say with something other than faux confusion. Especially when he isn't confused because I've brought it up before.

The physical stuff means nothing if I don't have any context for it.

@AvocadoOodie

It's not sexless yet but it just feels very perfunctory and is clearly unsatisfying for both of us.

Sounds like "duty sex" so that you can't really say you don't have a sex life together. Having to psych yourself up to have "perfunctory" sex with him surely can't make you feel good about either yourself or him. 🌹

It really sounds to me that the relationship has run its course, for whatever reason.

Thank you.

If its just a normal age related thing - that's not a problem.

If he feels embarrassed by it - we can work around that.

If he isn't attracted to me anymore - that is a problem.

If he's meeting his sexual needs elsewhere but is attracted to me enough to have sex occasionally when he feels the need for actual sex but can only manage it by thinking of someone else (which isn't working anyway) - then that's a problem.

It's the fact that he's changed towards me and pretends it hasn't happened when I've tried to bring it up that is a big problem.

I don't want to be housemates. Or, at least, I don't want that and for him to pretend it's not the case or for me to not know it's the case. And I certainly don't want him to make half hearted, unsuccessful attempts to have sex with me to appease me.

I need to bring it up because he obviously isn't going to. And I need to make it clear that I want honesty and not baseless 'reassurances' that mean nothing.

I think he's going out for a couple of hours this evening. We'll have time either before he goes or when he gets back.

I need to make sure he understands that my withdrawal from him is because of how I feel and that that isn't going to get any better by ignoring the situation.

But just pretending it isn't happening isn't an option anymore.

No. It doesn't.

@AvocadoOodie can I ask if you had a conversation and if you did, what the outcome was? I feel like I’m in an almost identical situation and don’t know what to do anymore 😞

Would also like an update if poss op....similar situation here too 😔

@Blueberry40 @nopenottodaysatan

No. I didn't have the conversation. Work got very busy the around the same time I posted and I didn't have the headspace to deal with anything else.

I'm sitting in the garden at 7am on a Sunday morning drinking tea at the moment because we both woke up about half an hour ago and he immediately went on his phone. Got into bed last night - phone. Complained that it was boring and then went to sleep.

There are still nights when I've gone to bed and he's he's stayed up for a couple of hours to watch a film or whatever.

There are also a few other things I've noticed. Thing she probably does subconsciously but they happen a lot that just indicate he sees me very separately from him.

He likes me, he cares a out me and I've no doubt he loves me. His actions show all of those things. But he just doesn't fancy or have any interest in me in that way. His actions show that too.

@AvocadoOodie I’ve just read your update: Sounds like you are in limbo - things I think you perceive are “not bad enough” to leave. He still treats you well but you say he doesn’t fancy you and doesn’t show interest. what you’ve said backs this up tbh so are think we are past the point of trying to advise you to try this and that. My only fear for you is that your stability will be disrupted if he comes across someone he does fancy?
It sounds like he is checking out by saying things like he’s bored. Bored of what exactly ?
I don’t want to upset you but I think the worse may come or maybe this is him getting old and comfortable?

kind of pick up from your past posts you may be financially tied in some way. start to create some security outside of the relationship too.

Secondstart1001

Thanks for your reply.

He moved in with me. We don't have any financial links. I lived here alone before he moved in so financially, I'm fine.

When he says he's bored, he means of doomscrolling but he still chooses to lie in bed doing that rather than interact with me.

When it comes to affection when sex isn't on the cards (eg he's picked me up from work or is on his way out), there's not much of a problem. There are hugs and kisses. He just avoids intimacy when sex could happen.

But when he does initiate sex, it just feels like its come out of nowhere and I shut down because it doesn't feel like something he wants with me just that he's feeling a bit horny or realises its been a while.

I just feel generally unattractive all the time now so it's not really on my mind anymore as something I want. I just feel sad about it.

Like I said at the start, I'd rather he just admitted it, and we could take it off the table altogether.

We knew each other as friends for several years before we got together. So I'm aware of when he has thought someone was beautiful or gorgeous or sexy or whatever. But he's also told me he "never thought" of me in that way and that some of the reasons he liked me were because I stand up for myself and I am intelligent. Physically, I am nothing like his type.

I feel a bit like he'd decided that 'looks aren't everything' (which is generally considered to be the more mature approach to relationships). I think he still finds those qualities attractive but has also realised that being attracted to my personal qualities wasn't enough to sustain a sexual attraction. Basically.

I think you could be taking his behaviour far too personally. He sounds like he could be a porn / phone addict with a low libido. He’d be the same with any woman. You don’t have to put up with it but you also don’t need to make it about you and a lack of attraction towards you.

I explained in my last post why it's lack of attraction to me.

He said he'd never seen me in that way but was attracted to some of my personal qualities. I think that was enough to begin with, but liking me as a person and finding those things attractive about me hasn't been enough to sustain a sexual attraction.

He went out this morning. When he came back, I was sitting in the garden. He came out, sat down and after a few mins of making small talk, got his phone out again. I left him in the garden and came and did some stuff in the house. He did some stuff. We sat down together and he got his phone straight out again. He's barely spoken to me today.

I have no idea what he is doing on there but it's more interesting than spending any time with me that's for sure.

I'm just aware of it all the time now so that, when he is affectionate or interested, I know it isn't actually me.

What ever it is, OP, you sound miserable, and seemed like you've been miserable for months? Is it really worth staying with him for all this self doubt and misery?

I'm just sad I suppose and dealing with processing what it actually means is hard.

I'm late 30s. Other than a few really crappy short lived relationships, I've been single for most of my adult life.

I just really believed that I'd finally met 'my person' and, in so many ways he's perfect for me and we are good together. But he just isn't attracted to me.

It just hurts and I'm really sad about it.

I also know that I wouldn't put myself in the position again. I have absolutely no faith in anyone being attracted to me now. I wouldn't trust anyone who said they were.