Sadly, I think I've become a bit like your wife as a result. I avoid doing anything that looks like I might be up for it becaise that's when he seems to feel he needs to do something.
He did the other evening and I had to stop him. It was dark so he didn't see but I was nearly in tears. It didn't feel nice. It just felt cold and empty. Like he was doing it because he felt he should and not because it was something we were going to do together.
It sounds like he is willing to please you and he offers to give you pleasure which you see as “servicing”. Why is it such a bad thing for you to just receive pleasure?
It's not but when that started to become the main part of our sex life, I just felt weirdly used and vulnerable.
He’s made it clear he loves you, is attracted to you and offers to pleasure you, even if he isn’t feeling in the mood himself. All of those things are really positive
I know! I think there's something underlying that I'm picking up on. But that I haven't quite been able to put into words.
Did you really imagine you'd be having sex 4-5 times a week forever?
No. But once or twice a week would have been nice. It just didn't make sense. He told me he fancied me yet, if we did anything, he wouldn't finish or would push me away.
Does he ignore you when you ask him what he likes? Or have you not asked him?
I asked him in the early days. I was quite open about what I like etc so I felt that created a 'space' for that conversation. All he said was he liked everything I did and that was it. That's all he's said. Nothing else. But it's also clearly not true because he isn't interested.
He said to me a few weeks ago that, if there was anything I wanted to do or him to do, I just had to say. I already had done but I suggested a couple of things, he said nothing and, months on, he's not tried it or brought it up again.
He also said to me that he thought sex was a really important part of a relationship and that, without it, the relationship can struggle as though I'm the cause of the change. Except that he's the one who has removed sex from the table as it were.
I've just responded to his lack of interest batching his energy. Not out of playing games but because I don't want to make a fool of myself, and I don't want to put pressure on him.
What makes it worse is that I've now become preoccupied by who he finds attractive. Because I don't feel that he finds me attractive, I've become anxious when we go out about who he's looking at or might be attracted to.
I've never been like that. Because, if he's not attracted to me or having sexual thoughts about me, he must have them about someone!