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Original poster

Caught boyfriend masturbating

139 replies

Truckerbabe · 01/05/2024 18:21

Hi , my boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years. He's always acted very sexually closed off. He said I was too risky and a exhibitionist. I let him know I was open to everything except porn , that's a hard boundry for me . He told me he didn't indulge in that , I've caught him watching porn multiple times knowing it was my boundary that shouldn't be broken.ive forgiven him and were trying to move on from that but that being said he also states he never mastubates. Now today I've caught him masturbating. I suppose what I'm really upset about is he pretends and lies and says he doesn't do these things but does. Also too I'm sexually open ill do almost anything so why lie to me why masturbate and lie to me, we have decent amount of sex and its great so am I not enough ? If I openly express to you I like to see you masturbate why lie to me .I was also told by him he didn't want me sexually pleasing myself with my toys as it makes him feel inadequate..Why not share it with me? Why can he and i cant ..Someone please enlighten me

OP posts:
ClipClopperDontStopper · 01/05/2024 18:23

He's obviously allowed to masturbate. But tbh you've been together 2 years and it doesn't sound like the sex life has ever been good. Highly unlikely this will ever change in my opinion/experience. I don't think he's the one for you.

FlangeBoil · 01/05/2024 18:23

Maybe the bloke just wants to have a wank? It's probably not a reflection of you, your sex life etc but he just fancies knocking one out in private sometimes? I couldn't get upset about this.

pointythings · 01/05/2024 18:24

You're conflating two completely different issues. Not wanting to be with a partner with a porn habit is completely normal - that's your boundary, and porn is usually pretty exploitative.

Not being OK with him masturbating in private is not OK. Sometimes you don't want sex, you just want a quick orgasm by yourself. There's nothing wrong with that and women do it too - you're going to have to work on yourself to get over it.

Bettedaviseyes111 · 01/05/2024 18:24

I think you need to accept that it can’t all be about you and your boundaries, relationships are a two way street.

He may be masturbating to relieve stress etc, don’t take it personally.

HopeOneOfThosePeopleIsAMonkeyBecauseThisIsBanana · 01/05/2024 18:24

The majority of men watch porn.
Everyone masturbates, he presumably prefers to do it privately. Why does he have to tell you? Why did you even asks if he does?

WetBandits · 01/05/2024 18:25

If my other half told me off for having a quick fiddle with myself, he’d be met with Confused and nothing else.

Roundandroundthegard3n · 01/05/2024 18:25

Maybe he wants to do it by himself sometimes. Isn't that ok?

If it's not ok, you need to look at yourself. Why isn't it ok? It's a very natural and normal thing to do.

Also, your hard boundary re porn isn't a hard boundary is it? You've "forgiven" him.

He wants to watch porn and pleasure himself sometimes without you watching. You're not ok with that. Doesn't seem you're very compatible.

PutOnYourRedShoesAndLetsDance · 01/05/2024 18:27

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Original poster
Truckerbabe · 01/05/2024 18:28

You misread I never said he couldn't I don't understand why lie

OP posts:
WonderfulUsername · 01/05/2024 18:29

It sounds a bit like you're crossing his boundaries.

It's not about you and how open you are, it's about him and how private he is.

He has every right to masturbate without you having an opinion about it and if the porn is a deal breaker, leave him.

Userengage · 01/05/2024 18:29

One is allowed to have a private wank. Totally different to sex with another.

Bringonthesunforthewashing · 01/05/2024 18:29

Wanking - fine
porn as you have disguised - not fine
no sex and wanking - not okay
plenty of sex but wanking - fine

category12 · 01/05/2024 18:31

I've caught him watching porn multiple times knowing it was my boundary that shouldn't be broken.

A boundary is something for yourself, not a control on another person.

If you don't want to be with someone who watches porn, you need to break up with him, as he is a porn-user.

As for him having a wank, it's his body, you don't own it and sometimes a person just wants that. It's like, say, a roast dinner with all the trimmings is a better quality meal but sometimes you just fancy a hamburger. Same with sex vs a wank.

caringcarer · 01/05/2024 18:31

Of course he's allowed to masturbate but he shouldn't be telling you not to use your toys. You don't sound compatible. You don't like him using porn but he does it anyway so doesn't care about your feelings.

Ladyprehensile · 01/05/2024 18:32

If porn is a boundary for you, (speaking from my experience years ago, it would be for me) and you are particularly upset about his lying in connection with that, surely it’s enough to dump him, so do it!

He’s allowed to pleasure himself, it’s natural, so really it boils down to his lying about it. (Maybe he’s embarrassed about admitting to it?) If the lies really bother you, DUMP HIM!

Job done!

froggirl · 01/05/2024 18:34

category12 · 01/05/2024 18:31

I've caught him watching porn multiple times knowing it was my boundary that shouldn't be broken.

A boundary is something for yourself, not a control on another person.

If you don't want to be with someone who watches porn, you need to break up with him, as he is a porn-user.

As for him having a wank, it's his body, you don't own it and sometimes a person just wants that. It's like, say, a roast dinner with all the trimmings is a better quality meal but sometimes you just fancy a hamburger. Same with sex vs a wank.

This.

These boundaries are impositions. Boundaries should be about you, not trying to control him.

If you want to be with someone who doesn't watch porn then you probably need to find someone who doesn't watch porn, rather than trying to make someone who does watch porn stop.

You are trying to change him and, no judgement (we've all been there!), but it's not going to work.

froggirl · 01/05/2024 18:35

Bringonthesunforthewashing · 01/05/2024 18:29

Wanking - fine
porn as you have disguised - not fine
no sex and wanking - not okay
plenty of sex but wanking - fine

You forgot to add... "in my opinion".

Everyone is different.

Sounds to me like they are mismatched.

Shoemadlady · 01/05/2024 18:37

I understand you're saying he is allowed to masturbate but you can't understand why he lied about it.
I think the issues here are the way you communicate about sex as a couple. It sounds very judgemental and not open as a couple at all.

HopeOneOfThosePeopleIsAMonkeyBecauseThisIsBanana · 01/05/2024 18:40

Truckerbabe · 01/05/2024 18:28

You misread I never said he couldn't I don't understand why lie

But why did you put him in a position where he’s felt he had to lie? Why should he feel the need to hide having a wank because it will upset you if you knew he did?

Original poster
Truckerbabe · 01/05/2024 18:41

Never tricked him into being with Me on our second date he wanted to discuss boundaries I laid mine out as did he and that was my one in which his reply was he didn't watch porrn and thought it was trash so he had a opportunity to walk away from me if he knew he was lying to me and couldn't fulfill the boundaries and expectations.. but that's not really the point of the whole post

OP posts:
Original poster
Truckerbabe · 01/05/2024 18:43

I never did you must not have read the post very well

OP posts:
Stressyfab · 01/05/2024 18:45

He doesn’t get to dictate if you use toys on yourself.

Onehouratatime · 01/05/2024 18:53

He's crossed your boundaries on the porn thing. That's enough. Forget the wanking. He's broke your boundaries multiple times and is fully aware about your boundary. You need to leave

Original poster
Truckerbabe · 01/05/2024 18:55

Onehouratatime · 01/05/2024 18:53

He's crossed your boundaries on the porn thing. That's enough. Forget the wanking. He's broke your boundaries multiple times and is fully aware about your boundary. You need to leave

Thanks for that at least someone tends to understand what I meant as far as my boundary being broken especially when the post really wasn't about the porn thing I just wanted to set the scene for the hypocrisy of the whole situation

OP posts:
TeapotTitties · 01/05/2024 18:58

Maybe it's not hypocrisy and he didn't use porn 2 years ago, but likes to now? 🤷‍♀️

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