Caught boyfriend masturbating

[Truckerbabe]

Hi , my boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years. He's always acted very sexually closed off. He said I was too risky and a exhibitionist. I let him know I was open to everything except porn , that's a hard boundry for me . He told me he didn't indulge in that , I've caught him watching porn multiple times knowing it was my boundary that shouldn't be broken.ive forgiven him and were trying to move on from that but that being said he also states he never mastubates. Now today I've caught him masturbating. I suppose what I'm really upset about is he pretends and lies and says he doesn't do these things but does. Also too I'm sexually open ill do almost anything so why lie to me why masturbate and lie to me, we have decent amount of sex and its great so am I not enough ? If I openly express to you I like to see you masturbate why lie to me .I was also told by him he didn't want me sexually pleasing myself with my toys as it makes him feel inadequate..Why not share it with me? Why can he and i cant ..Someone please enlighten me

My take on him not being honest about wanking is because he’s demanded you don’t pleasure yourself as it makes him feel inadequate. If he has said to you “ no pleasuring yourself but as and when I want I’ll have a wank” You might have said “you are a hypocrite, see you later”
he wanted to continue to be with you, so that meant lying about this.

as for your hard boundary of no porn, Imh 99% of guys watch porn, but hey go if you don’t want that, then you need to act on that when you find the guy does what you said you wouldn’t put up with, because you have given him the green light to break your boundaries by not getting rid when he broke that

I’d much rather no sex and wanking to no sex and no wanking

Most men watch porn (www.bbc.co.uk/news/newsbeat-57428077) and I understand that you are not OK with that, but it may be sensible to bear in mind the statistical facts so that you have a realistic idea of how much your boundary on porn might restrict your relationship choices.

From my own point of view I don't think I'd impose blanket bans on this unless it was affecting our relationship adversely in a way that was clear to me.

Your link doesn't work.
Why do the porn lobby try to convince people watching porn is normal?
The devastating effects of porn use on mental health and relationships is well documented. It is an industry based on exploitation and abuse.
Why should someone put up with living with a porn user? Better not to be in a relationship at all. Or find a decent person who doesn't view women purely as sex objects.

He clearly wasn't listening to your boundaries, not remotely interested in expanding his own.
He has every right to masturbate. He does not have the right to tell you you are not permitted to masturbate yourself using sex toys.
It sounds like you're just way too far from compatible sexually. You want more adventurous sex, he doesn't. You like sex toys, he doesn't.
He likes porn, you don't.
I think it's time to call it quits. His attitude doesn't sound particularly healthy and he seems quite firm in his own mind about his likes and dislikes. But cant seem to be honest about it.
And you could do much better with someone with a similar libido and sexual interests.

@Nobodyreallyknows Sorry, this link works: https://www.bbc.co.uk/bbcthree/article/bb79a2ce-0de4-4965-98f0-9ebbcfcc2a60
From my own point of view, watching porn is neither normal nor desirable and I have never done it. Porn is, as you say, an exploitative and abusive industry and porn addiction seriously harms some relationships. However, watching porn is common, especially among men, and my own views of it are not going to change that. I am simply pointing out the statistical facts: most men watch porn, and if you have a blanket ban on a partner watching porn, that will restrict your choice of partner. I assume my DH doesn't watch it but then again, I don't ask and don't especially want to know!

I gather that the grievance of the OP is that her partner lied to her about his habits of masturbation and watching porn...Okay, it's crap to be lied to - that's fair.
I don't really understand how a conversation about such stuff ever happened however? - I can honestly say that in all of my living days I have NEVER asked any person whether they masturbate as I kind of assume that they do.
The porn thing? Again, odd question to ask on a date but, if said viewing started taking the place of physical closeness, I would mention it then...
I think that you both need to talk OP. He has lied about things that I personally wouldn't have ever asked him in the first place. You asked and got a lie in return. I understand that you are upset by that lie so go and express that. Otherwise, you don't sound very sexually compatible and you ought maybe consider walking as a result. All the best 🌾

As a man I need to say some important things:
Every man does it, even those who swear they don't.It is natural for men to touch themselves, we discover this very early on and normally we do not have any guidance from anyone.So we even think it's wrong, that's why it continues.

Give me strength... the replies on this thread. Is the bar really so low that we're defending a man's lying and porn use while he tells his partner that she can't masturbate and use sex toys herself? Really?

OP, I'm aware this is an old thread now, but I hope you aren't still with this hypocrite? It is completely fine to have a boundary against porn use in your relationships. Don't listen to anyone who bleats on about men's right to watch whatever they want or about how every man does it - this is bullshit nonsense.

Men who value their sex lives with their partners (and their own sexual functioning) try to steer clear of porn, particularly when they're in a committed relationship. Many women regard porn as a form of cheating, and that is completely fine. You are not alone in your boundaries and please do not allow anyone on MN to tell you otherwise - many women have to convince themselves to be ok with porn, and that everyone uses it, to justify tolerating their own DP/DH porn habit. (Or they genuinely don't mind because they don't want a sex life with their DP/DH anymore anyway - everyone brings their own viewpoint into their answers and these threads are often very triggering for people with their own sexual dysfunctions...)

Some people are fine with porn use in the same way that some people are fine with polygamy - the key is both partners are honest with each other and boundaries within the relationship are agreed upon and upheld.
In other cases, having sex with others whilst lying about it is cheating, and using porn whilst lying about it is also cheating. Not everyone wants third parties involved in their relationship (digitally or otherwise) and that is a perfectly reasonable expectation in a monogamous relationship - it is not controlling to expect your partner to be sexually faithful to you.

However, telling your partner not to masturbate whilst masturbating yourself... that is controlling. Control is all about unbalanced power dynamics. And it sounds very much like, in this relationship, the power balance has been heavily stacked against you - his double standards and lying are the problem, not you.

As a man I need to say some important things:
😂😂😂
They do. They all do. And all the little women should listen and take note.

Porn isn’t your boundary if he has crossed it multiple times without consequence.

It was really naive of you to think that he would never masturbate. I would find it VERY odd if my/any partner didn’t.

By the same token, you should have told him not to be so silly when he asked you not to masturbate using your toys.

I wonder if he knows his wank is trending on Mumsnet?

Is this seriously over someone having a wank! Good god,he can have a wank if he wants,it's natural and I don't think it needs a discussion! You can't control what's natural!