Caught boyfriend masturbating

[Truckerbabe]

Hi , my boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years. He's always acted very sexually closed off. He said I was too risky and a exhibitionist. I let him know I was open to everything except porn , that's a hard boundry for me . He told me he didn't indulge in that , I've caught him watching porn multiple times knowing it was my boundary that shouldn't be broken.ive forgiven him and were trying to move on from that but that being said he also states he never mastubates. Now today I've caught him masturbating. I suppose what I'm really upset about is he pretends and lies and says he doesn't do these things but does. Also too I'm sexually open ill do almost anything so why lie to me why masturbate and lie to me, we have decent amount of sex and its great so am I not enough ? If I openly express to you I like to see you masturbate why lie to me .I was also told by him he didn't want me sexually pleasing myself with my toys as it makes him feel inadequate..Why not share it with me? Why can he and i cant ..Someone please enlighten me

I am truly sorry for the amount of negativity you have received. Many people have missed your point.
The porn thing is 100% not okay, boundaries have been laid that's it.
Him masturbating is normal but it is also for you.
Is it possible for you to talk and get things out in the open together?
Why did he lie to you? Why does he not want you using toys, or why does it make him feel inadequate?

I don't understand why he said he didn't masturbate. I do understand why he said he didn't use porn.

Does he say other things which are a bit ridiculous? Honestly he doesn't sound like a great catch. How committed are you? Because honestly, if a man is saying something as daft as 'oh no darling I never wank' then that's weird, unnecessary, and either he's deluding himself or he thinks you're gullible, so watch out.

”Fiddle with myself” made me laugh out loud 🤣

my god let the man have a wank in peace! Why would he need to tell you he masterbates? Its a very personal, private act.

Also with the porn, could you not just have a rule that if he watches it you dont ever want to know so he has to make sure he doesn't subject you to it? Then he can enjoy what he (and many other people) likes without crossing your own personal boundary.

Funny that you think he's crossed a boundary but you are crossing his by insisting on knowing if he wanks.

also to the people saying leave him because he watches porn and didnt tell you he wanks, they're all insane. let him have some privacy.

Honestly the whole relationship sounds dreadful.

He has zero respect for your issues with porn. You have asked him and he has agreed, lied and done it anyway.

The control over your masterbation, demeaning you over being sexually liberal. Why are you bothering? It'll just get worse with more serious things, walk away now.

He told her on the second date that he didn't watch porn!!

I wish people had to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth when they were dating but they don't..........so when we find out that they weren't honest about something, misrepresented themselves or were lying and do the thing that we have a problem with then that's when you should split up with them rather than try to force them to be the way you want them to be, because more than likely they never will be!!

Cocaine use is a complete dealbreaker for me. I would make that clear very early on. I am well aware that people can and will lie though. So if later I found out that he did do cocaine I would end the relationship. I wouldn't stay with him when he kept doing it and keep forgiving him for it and being like "but you said you didn't do coke".

By the sounds of it, you are both sexual incompatible

Another one who doesn't understand how boundaries work.

You don't just lay boundaries and then that's it and the partner has no choice but to comply.

Very often in relationships boundaries get crossed.

And then that's the point that the person sticks to their own boundary of "I won't be in a relationship with someone who does x or y".

You don't just keep giving the other person more and more chances to stick to your boundary? And why would they anyway if you're not sticking to them yourself?

It's removing all personal responsibility if your boundary is "he can't watch porn" and then he watches porn and you don't leave and just keep telling him over and over that that's your boundary.

You are both as bad as each other...

Exactly.

Have you looked at the MN threads? Just be grateful he isn’t texting prostitutes, or viewing indecent images of children, or grooming an underage girl online, or stalking a woman at work, or any of the other scummy things men do. Compared to that, masturbating is pretty harmless.

Has this thread been taken over by numpties or are we just a bunch of women rushing to defend the men again? Cos there's not even an attempt of any comprehension in most of the answers. Fucking hell.
@Truckerbabe so this man has attempted to shame you for your own sexual wants AND asked you not to masturbate yes? Denied he watched porn and masturbated so he could get away with attempting to shame you and ask you not to masturbate? You have caught him watching porn numerous times and now caught him wanking? Yeah, I bet he's embarrassed.
He's abit fucked up and he's not the one to tether yourself to my love. Go meet a normal person who isn't so fucked up. This isn't it.

I've no idea why he chose not to be honest with you, only he can tell you that. It doesn't sound like you're very compatible - if he thinks you're too risky and exhibitionist and doesn't agree with you using sex toys, why is he with you? You know he uses porn which is apparently something you disagree with, yet you're still with him 🤷‍♀️

Your attitude would majorly piss me off. It's not sneaking and lying. If he doesn't want to tell you then that's down to him, why would you ask him if you know that he doesn't want to talk about it with you?

Having said that, it sounds like you're not compatible. You're both trying to control how the other one enjoys their own sex life, and he has a deal breaking porn habit (I understand - it would be a deal breaker for me too).

It's not insane to not want to be in a relationship and have sex with someone who participates in, and gets aroused by, the exploitation and degradation of women. I think that (most) men who watch porn fundamentally do not appreciate the humanity of women, but see women as objects for their sexual gratification. I wouldn't want to be with someone who didn't respect me as an equal human being and so porn watching would be a deal breaker.

It probably is insane to expect a porn user to stop. But in this case he lied to the OP about not watching it. Now it turns out he does. Again, what's insane about breaking up with someone happy to lie to your face about something important to you? What else is he going to lie about, if his word carries so little weight..

If porn was the deal breaker I think
you should have left long ago and still
should .
I genuinely think he’s selfish . He didn’t tell you he masturbates because he would have to tell you he does it to porn.
He knew he watched porn he didn’t tell you incase you didn’t date him again.
He’s also lying . I don’t think he cares if he upsets you with porn .
His needs matter more or else he wouldn’t be making you feel bad about your choices in your sex life and you using toys .

Both of you need to get your heads out of each other's masturbation habits.

You do you how you like.
He does himself how he likes.

Everyone is happy.

You sound quite controlling to me tbh.

Masturbation can be/is still a very private thing to an individual, whether they are in a relationship or not. People can do what they like to their own body. It can be uncomfortable to discuss it with a partner even, and you are crossing a boundary by making this a big deal and forcing him to be honest with you about whenever he masturbates.

The porn is a separate issue. I think you two need to break up tbh as you don’t sound compatible sexually, and I think you both have issues you need to work on.

I never understand how situations along the lines of these threads evolve.

As a 40 something woman, l masturbate once or twice a day usually. The needs for 1:1 sex are totally different. One is all about me, the other is sharing bodies and passion with another.

l would have no probs with a partner masturbating, but likewise would not put up with s partner telling me they didn’t want me to. Bloody cheek!

with men, if they are masturbating regularly then they won’t want sex / intimacy as much. I had an ex like this. Claimed he had no libido, never watched porn and shamed me for wanting intimacy while he was hiding a raging porn addiction that was taking time away from our relationship and our family life. (Ie spending hours every day adding to his collection and happy to go six months with no sex because he “had no libido”)

obviously I left him. He tried to say I was being controlling, for wanting an healthy mutual, open sex life, but ultimately it was a very abusive relationship in which HE was the controlling one. People here don’t seem to understand the dynamics of controlling relationships. He is the controlling one, he is the one lying to maintain control

OP is responding to him the way he treats her. No it’s not healthy but it’s called reactive abuse and deserves more understanding than most posters are giving here.

he does sound like a narcissist, sensitive to criticism, willing to lie to maintain power, full of toxic shame about what is a normal thing. OP just wanted honesty from him, relationships don’t work if there’s no honesty. If he’s lying about it because he knows he’s done wrong (not by masturbating but by being deceitful) why on EARTH is OP the controlling one for wishing he wouldn’t lie

maybe the title of the thread is too
bait-y to men and the responses are from blokes or cool wives who don’t mind hubby telling a few porkies

OP there are men out there who won’t lie to you or shame you for having a sex drive. Men who do are just not a catch and it potentially hints at a deeper need for control which may spill out to the rest of the relationship

Masturbating in private is entirely normal. He can't stop you doing it and you can't stop him doing it.

You said we have decent amount of sex and its great so am I not enough ? Which suggests that you think he's wrong to want to masturbate. Which may explain why he lied and said he doesn't.

He's obviously wrong to lie - but why would he tell such a lie? Probably because he knows you disapprove.

It's fine to have a strict boundary about porn. It's fine for him to think porn is OK. You have to decide if that makes you incompatible.

You have to stop trying to control his private sex life, and he has to stop lying to you.

this. boundaries are about controlling what is in your power to control to ensure/avoid certain impacts on your life, not about exerting control on other people’s to bend them to yours. If you don’t want to be with a partner who uses porn, leave the partner who uses porn.

Your outlook on masturbation is dangerous. You do not get to dictate someone’s relationship with their own body. That’s just about the least sexually open thing i ever heard.

I have boundaries of what I'm OK with

No, you don't. You have rules, and it's not the same. Boundaries are about you being responsible for your own behaviour. Nobody has to change their behaviour in order for your boundaries to be respected, except you.

What a person does with their own body is entirely up to them. Everyone masturbates!

Like he has hers? Or making comments about her sexual history? This is why she's bothered by it. He wouldn't have had a leg to stand on if he was honest about using porn and masturbating himself would he? Which is why he denied either.