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Original poster

Caught boyfriend masturbating

139 replies

Truckerbabe · 01/05/2024 18:21

Hi , my boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years. He's always acted very sexually closed off. He said I was too risky and a exhibitionist. I let him know I was open to everything except porn , that's a hard boundry for me . He told me he didn't indulge in that , I've caught him watching porn multiple times knowing it was my boundary that shouldn't be broken.ive forgiven him and were trying to move on from that but that being said he also states he never mastubates. Now today I've caught him masturbating. I suppose what I'm really upset about is he pretends and lies and says he doesn't do these things but does. Also too I'm sexually open ill do almost anything so why lie to me why masturbate and lie to me, we have decent amount of sex and its great so am I not enough ? If I openly express to you I like to see you masturbate why lie to me .I was also told by him he didn't want me sexually pleasing myself with my toys as it makes him feel inadequate..Why not share it with me? Why can he and i cant ..Someone please enlighten me

OP posts:
HopeOneOfThosePeopleIsAMonkeyBecauseThisIsBanana · 01/05/2024 18:59

Truckerbabe · 01/05/2024 18:43

I never did you must not have read the post very well

“so am I not enough ?”
If you’ve expressed these feelings then he knows it will upset you

Original poster
Truckerbabe · 01/05/2024 19:02

Just because someone gets upset doesn't give someone the right to lie to your partner

OP posts:
RedHelenB · 01/05/2024 19:04

Truckerbabe · 01/05/2024 18:28

You misread I never said he couldn't I don't understand why lie

Why should he tell you though?

TedWilson · 01/05/2024 19:04

Sounds like he has issues being honest about what he likes. Maybe ashamed / how he has been brought up?

Coconutter24 · 01/05/2024 19:04

Your post is very self obsessed, you’re not the only one in this relationship. Just because you like or dislike something it doesn’t mean he has to. He might not be comfortable with you knowing he masturbates and that’s ok. Yes he may of lied but it’s not a big one or one that has anything to do with you and again he might not be comfortable with you knowing he does this

Original poster
Truckerbabe · 01/05/2024 19:09

TedWilson · 01/05/2024 19:04

Sounds like he has issues being honest about what he likes. Maybe ashamed / how he has been brought up?

He was brought up in a conservative setting just as I was and when we've had talks about sexual things he accuses me of being too cavalier in my sex life and what I like to do but then he secretly watched porn and obviously is very sexual in secret , so why lie and why come at your partner as if her sexuality is a issue , is he just a narc?

OP posts:
StopStartStop · 01/05/2024 19:12

OP you claim to be very open to sexual experience but you want to control whether or not another adult uses porn and you 'caught' your boyfriend masturbating which suggests you think he shouldn't do that.

'Boundaries and expectations' are all very well but you need to work them out between you, not be the one who lays down the law.

I suspect you are actually fairly repressed sexually and your boyfriend kept quiet about his activities so as not to upset you.

category12 · 01/05/2024 19:13

he had a opportunity to walk away from me if he knew he was lying to me and couldn't fulfill the boundaries and expectations.. but that's not really the point of the whole post

Equally, having "caught" him with porn multiple times if it's a dealbreaker for you, you should actually split up with him.

What you're doing is setting a rule for him that he keeps breaking because he doesn't agree with it or he likes porn more than he minds about upsetting you - and you keep saying it's a hard line for you, but it's clear it's not because you stick around anyway.

Shiningout · 01/05/2024 19:16

Why do u have to watch him masturbate?? I can't think of anything worse 🤣 it seems like you want and need control over everything sexually so you feel validated and involved but the truth is everyone gets off solo, you cannot insist he informs you or involves you every time.

Original poster
Truckerbabe · 01/05/2024 19:18

StopStartStop · 01/05/2024 19:12

OP you claim to be very open to sexual experience but you want to control whether or not another adult uses porn and you 'caught' your boyfriend masturbating which suggests you think he shouldn't do that.

'Boundaries and expectations' are all very well but you need to work them out between you, not be the one who lays down the law.

I suspect you are actually fairly repressed sexually and your boyfriend kept quiet about his activities so as not to upset you.

It's not control I let him know Second date in I wasn't OK with pornand he chose to continue to pursue me and lie about his usage so no I'm open but I have boundaries of what I'm OK with and not just like some are OK with their other half sleeping with someone else and some are not... I love how people replying are ignoring the subject at hand which is why he lies but then criticizes me

OP posts:
retinolalcohol · 01/05/2024 19:21

He probably told you he doesn't so you don't want to bloody watch him! Some people don't want to be watched masturbating. My partner would be delighted to show me Grin but I wouldn't really want to show him particularly.

He may have wondered whether if he admitted to it, you may interrogate him on whether he also watches porn while he does it.

You also don't 'catch' a partner masturbating - your phrasing makes it sound like a shameful thing to do, and it isn't.

You can set your own boundary - I don't agree with porn, if you continue to watch it I will leave.. but you can't police what he does with his own body/time! He doesn't have to tell you either.

Respectfully, if you raise this issue with him you're going to sound absolutely batshit

Original poster
Truckerbabe · 01/05/2024 19:21

category12 · 01/05/2024 19:13

he had a opportunity to walk away from me if he knew he was lying to me and couldn't fulfill the boundaries and expectations.. but that's not really the point of the whole post

Equally, having "caught" him with porn multiple times if it's a dealbreaker for you, you should actually split up with him.

What you're doing is setting a rule for him that he keeps breaking because he doesn't agree with it or he likes porn more than he minds about upsetting you - and you keep saying it's a hard line for you, but it's clear it's not because you stick around anyway.

I will agree with you I've given more chances than I should because I love him and sometimes it's hard to walk when you know you should

OP posts:
MermaidEyes · 01/05/2024 19:21

Perhaps it's a simple case of embarrassment and that's why he lies? If he's been brought up conservative then maybe he feels it's 'wrong' to masturbate? It's probably nothing personal towards you.

Original poster
Truckerbabe · 01/05/2024 19:23

retinolalcohol · 01/05/2024 19:21

He probably told you he doesn't so you don't want to bloody watch him! Some people don't want to be watched masturbating. My partner would be delighted to show me Grin but I wouldn't really want to show him particularly.

He may have wondered whether if he admitted to it, you may interrogate him on whether he also watches porn while he does it.

You also don't 'catch' a partner masturbating - your phrasing makes it sound like a shameful thing to do, and it isn't.

You can set your own boundary - I don't agree with porn, if you continue to watch it I will leave.. but you can't police what he does with his own body/time! He doesn't have to tell you either.

Respectfully, if you raise this issue with him you're going to sound absolutely batshit

I say caught cause I walked in on him and he went into major defensive mode and got pisses at me for walking into our home

OP posts:
category12 · 01/05/2024 19:25

Truckerbabe · 01/05/2024 19:21

I will agree with you I've given more chances than I should because I love him and sometimes it's hard to walk when you know you should

Show quote history

Yes, and he probably loves you and lies so he can wank away to porn and stay in the relationship with you.

Either you accept he is what he is, a porn-using wanker 😀, or not.

But it's no point fighting over it endlessly, he's made it obvious he won't be stopping.

Original poster
Truckerbabe · 01/05/2024 19:27

MermaidEyes · 01/05/2024 19:21

Perhaps it's a simple case of embarrassment and that's why he lies? If he's been brought up conservative then maybe he feels it's 'wrong' to masturbate? It's probably nothing personal towards you.

Maybe but how do I express that im ok with it but not OK with the sneaking and lying about it which is really the issue here

OP posts:
SwordToFlamethrower · 01/05/2024 19:28

You keep using the word "boundary". It does not mean what you think it means.

kkloo · 01/05/2024 19:28

Truckerbabe · 01/05/2024 19:18

It's not control I let him know Second date in I wasn't OK with pornand he chose to continue to pursue me and lie about his usage so no I'm open but I have boundaries of what I'm OK with and not just like some are OK with their other half sleeping with someone else and some are not... I love how people replying are ignoring the subject at hand which is why he lies but then criticizes me

Show quote history

Right but on a second date most people are going to lie about things like that if they want to keep seeing someone.

I could say on a second date that I have strong boundaries and won't tolerate any disrespect or inappropriate behaviour with women etc etc....
And a guy is most likely to say of course, I'm not like that!

And then if later on he's disrespectful or inappropropriate with women I'm not going to be like "but you said" and "I told you that this was my boundary".

You really don't understand boundaries.

If porn is a hard boundary for you and then you find out that he watches it then you end the relationship. You don't keep trying to make him stick to your boundary because that's not a very hard boundary at all, it's a soft boundary which you will accept a partner crossing again and again.

As for why he lies maybe he doesn't want you to watch him masturbate?
Maybe he's a hypocrite?
Maybe you go on about porn and masturbation and his habits so much that he then says it back to you?

Hard to know but this whole thing sounds very tedious.

retinolalcohol · 01/05/2024 19:28

I see. It sounds like he does find it all a bit shameful, and maybe that's why he was 'dishonest' about doing it.

But really.... masturbation is private to some people. I knew my ex did it, but when I asked him where or when (jokingly, because we were always together & I didn't know how he was managing it - I suspect the showerGrin) he didn't want to tell me. That was fine. Not wanting to tell your partner about something as private as this isn't really lying to them.

I don't tell my partner about plenty of things that I do. The only way that would be wrong would be if they impacted him in any way - they don't, so these things can be just mine. In the same way, your partner is allowed to have masturbation to himself. He doesn't have to tell you

Original poster
Truckerbabe · 01/05/2024 19:29

category12 · 01/05/2024 19:25

Yes, and he probably loves you and lies so he can wank away to porn and stay in the relationship with you.

Either you accept he is what he is, a porn-using wanker 😀, or not.

But it's no point fighting over it endlessly, he's made it obvious he won't be stopping.

Show quote history

We're not fighting over the porn that's not what the post is about

OP posts:
DrunkenElephant · 01/05/2024 19:30

You set your boundary regarding porn, he broke it, you forgave him.

It’s not really a boundary then, is it? You’ve just taught him that he can do what he wants and you’ll forgive him.

Original poster
Truckerbabe · 01/05/2024 19:31

retinolalcohol · 01/05/2024 19:28

I see. It sounds like he does find it all a bit shameful, and maybe that's why he was 'dishonest' about doing it.

But really.... masturbation is private to some people. I knew my ex did it, but when I asked him where or when (jokingly, because we were always together & I didn't know how he was managing it - I suspect the showerGrin) he didn't want to tell me. That was fine. Not wanting to tell your partner about something as private as this isn't really lying to them.

I don't tell my partner about plenty of things that I do. The only way that would be wrong would be if they impacted him in any way - they don't, so these things can be just mine. In the same way, your partner is allowed to have masturbation to himself. He doesn't have to tell you

Thanks for a actual helpful insight

OP posts:
EnglishBluebell · 01/05/2024 19:33

You do not own him! All men do this, as do most women. You cannot control what he does with his body and nor should you.
I can’t comment on the relationship issues but him having private time with himself is none of your business

kkloo · 01/05/2024 19:33

Truckerbabe · 01/05/2024 19:27

Maybe but how do I express that im ok with it but not OK with the sneaking and lying about it which is really the issue here

Show quote history

You need to drop the sneaking and lying about it angle.
When you discovered that he did in fact masturbate you shouldn't have treated it like it was a massive betrayal or deception.

takemeawayagain · 01/05/2024 19:34

HopeOneOfThosePeopleIsAMonkeyBecauseThisIsBanana · 01/05/2024 18:40

But why did you put him in a position where he’s felt he had to lie? Why should he feel the need to hide having a wank because it will upset you if you knew he did?

Show quote history

No one 'has' to lie, he's not 5 years old he's a fucking grown man. He didn't have to hide having a wank, the OP was fine with it - but he'd already lied about it.

It doesn't sound like you're compatible at all OP, he's a liar and has weird ideas about sex as well as low self esteem if he's threatened by your toys. I've no idea why people are taking his side, I honestly think they just like an argument. I'd say just end it, he's already broken your boundaries and what's the point of having boundaries if you don't enforce them? He just sounds pathetic and a bit of a dick.