Caught boyfriend masturbating

[Truckerbabe]

Hi , my boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years. He's always acted very sexually closed off. He said I was too risky and a exhibitionist. I let him know I was open to everything except porn , that's a hard boundry for me . He told me he didn't indulge in that , I've caught him watching porn multiple times knowing it was my boundary that shouldn't be broken.ive forgiven him and were trying to move on from that but that being said he also states he never mastubates. Now today I've caught him masturbating. I suppose what I'm really upset about is he pretends and lies and says he doesn't do these things but does. Also too I'm sexually open ill do almost anything so why lie to me why masturbate and lie to me, we have decent amount of sex and its great so am I not enough ? If I openly express to you I like to see you masturbate why lie to me .I was also told by him he didn't want me sexually pleasing myself with my toys as it makes him feel inadequate..Why not share it with me? Why can he and i cant ..Someone please enlighten me

Did your ex control you in other ways or are you labelling your relationship as an abusive/controlling relationship because he had a porn addiction?

While I believe that the effects of being with any kind of addict can be similar to the effects of abuse there's quite a jump to automatically label them as a narcissist.

I'm definitely not a 'cool wife'. I'll openly admit to thinking most men are shit and most of their behaviour is appalling 😂

If he’s lying about it because he knows he’s done wrong (not by masturbating but by being deceitful) why on EARTH is OP the controlling one for wishing he wouldn’t lie

If a man wanted to know if I masturbated and I wanted to keep my masturbation habits private I would think I had the right to do that. If he then 'caught' me and made out it was a big betrayal I would see him as the controlling one and that as the red flag because it is.

It's not the same as other 'lies'. People are allowed to touch their own body without having to tell their partner.

It's not the same as other 'lies'. People are allowed to touch their own body without having to tell their partner

They can also achieve this without lying.

i’m offering advice about the elements that are in her control to change. she’s stated that using porn is a boundary she doesn’t want crossed so i suggested that the way to enforce this boundary is to leave, rather than try and force someone else not to do something they are evidently not capable of stopping.

I don’t really understand the ‘leg to stand on’ bit’. evidently no, her partner should not have lied about not watching porn then continued to do it. The masturbation thing he certainly shouldnt have to.

People generally lie because it's not safe to tell the truth.

Not if their partner asks them 🤔

Your outlook on masturbation is dangerous. You do not get to dictate someone’s relationship with their own body. That’s just about the least sexually open thing i ever heard.

Thiswas part of your response to the OP @καλοκαλoκαιρι . Strong wording there isn't it? Yet in your rush to tell OP how 'dangerous' her ideas on masturbation are, you absolutely failed to mention his attempt at control over her. Which is the whole reason the OP is upset. She is upset because her boyfriend lied about masturbating while telling her not to, then catching him masturbating. So how is her view on masturbation 'dangerous'? She has said she doesn't mind that at all.

i don’t understand why you’re being so antagonistic in the way you write. i didn’t rush to do anything. she knows her boyfriend shouldn’t have lied and doesn’t get to tell her what to do with her body. As I stated previously, I am responding to things that are within her control to change.

I really don't understand why some people are fixated on lying in terms of the masturbation tbh.

Yes the porn - lying about porn usage if the OP is uncomfortable with it is unacceptable, because it doesn't allow her to uphold her boundary.

It's also unacceptable for him to tell her that she can't use toys etc.

But masturbation in itself? It's a personal thing that harms exactly no one. He doesn't have to tell the OP if/when/where he does it, in the same way I don't have to tell my partner if I've been to the gym - it's his body to do with as he pleases. In his position I'd probably feel fairly interrogated about the whole thing and may 'lie' too tbh.

It could have happened the other way around though and he thought she was trying to control him first so he turned it back around on her.

The OP wasn't dictating what her boyfriend could do with his body though was she @καλοκαλoκαιρι ? She was confused as he had told her he didn't masturbate, while telling her not to, because it made him feel like less of a man. You told her that her views on masturbation were dangerous and that it was the least sexually open thing you had ever heard. Why, when that is not the case? That is why I am antagonistic. You went straight to telling the OP that she was wrong and totally ignored WHY she was upset.

Sounds like the partner is lying because the OP sounds like a control freak. Imagine having to answer to someone for why you are touching yourself!

I think the boyfriend acting sexually closed off from the start and telling the OP she was sexually risky and an exhibitionist points to this being a 'him' issue.

Not necessarily, again maybe it happened the other way around and he felt embarrassed because of the stuff the OP was saying about him being 'sexually closed off' so he turned it back onto her.

Maybe she is too risky and an exhibitionist? We don't actually know? Maybe she was trying to do stuff in public places and he wasn't comfortable. Again, we don't know. She didn't say she wasn't!

Fair enough. I wonder why you are trying to find excuses for the OP's boyfriend though despite what she wrote? One rule for men and another for women eh? Oh and you are quick to make excuses for him but question the OP's sex life? What is risky and exhibitionist to a man who is sexually closed off? Yes I'm sure she was trying to do stuff in public places lol.
Anyhoo, I just cannot be bothered with this anymore so toodlepip!

I'm not trying to find excuses for them, this just happened to be a rare post on here where when I read it it sounded like there was a probably a pair of them in it!!

You're the one who brought up that he said she was sexually risky so I just said maybe she is in fact risky and an exhibitionist, she didn't say she wasn't.

Maybe he's not even particularly sexually closed off, just vanilla and/or a bit shy...she did say they have a decent amount of great sex.

So we don't really know how sexually closed off he actually is, or how risky the OP is either because she didn't explain.

You sound like hard work.

I 100% agree its a HIM issue. there are some very weird responses on this thread! OP has been open and honest. BF is lying and closed off. lies multiply. it indicates a lack of respect. he feels inadequate when she has solo sessions, she feels inadequate when he has solo sessions. this is not necessarily a problem IF communication is open and honest. he is the one unable to be open and honest. blaming OP for her partner's lack of honesty is fucking insane.

Where's the personal responsibility here?

She said porn was her 'hard boundary', she's caught him watching multiple times but she forgave him.

This is what happens when people don't uphold their own boundaries.

I remember watching a documentary about 'approved' schools and borstals in the 1970s and it was a rule or boundary that young boys were not allowed to masturbate. They were caned if they masturbated. I am sure most of them lied about it to avoid a caning.
The OP sounds like one of the prison officers in these horrible 70s schools.We look back on these kind of practices now and recognise them as abusive. It is unbelievably controlling to create 'boundaries' for someone else and then be surprised to find they lie about breaking these imposed rules.

I just made the mistake of looking this up on the internet and caning for the sin of masturbation was incredibly common in Roman Catholic boys schools. It is so upsetting.
I cannot imagine how controlling someone would have to be to impose a ban on another person and want to punish them for lying about it.

Can you really blame him for not admitting anything to you??!!!

You sound like high maintenance on steroids.

The boundary is lying. If he lies about that he’ll lie about other things. It’s not a cute little quirk, it’s 2024, porn is everywhere, no one has to lie about these things. He should at least try to sort out his issues around sex and honesty. OP you need to learn how to set boundaries and keep them. Otherwise you’re enabling his bad behaviour. That can be a hard lesson to learn and takes a lot of strength and courage. Some people are better at it than others! On a forum for women I’d hope people would be more gentle with someone who is struggling to be strong.

For everyone who says “it’s just a little lie”, I am genuinely curious as to where you draw a line … is it ok to lie about finances or food or alcohol? Any addictive behaviour shrouded in shame and secrecy is a recipe for disaster. Obv not the point of the thread but I am interested

I think if he is lying out of embarrassment, that’s cute, get rid. If he can reflect on why he felt the need to lie without getting angry then maybe you can work through it.. I suspect based on the sex toy thing that it’s more likely to be part of a larger pattern of control/insecurity/jealousy, and if so OP should read some Lundy Bancroft. If you haven’t experienced a narcissistic or controlling man then you’re lucky and blessedly naive :)

Well, if that's what he thinks, his self respectful course of action would be to leave the relationship, not to lie.

What OP is like isn't the case in point. She's not responsible for his actions.

If the boundary is lying......and your partner lies.....then you should end the relationship.

For everyone who says “it’s just a little lie”, I am genuinely curious as to where you draw a line … is it ok to lie about finances or food or alcohol?

To be clear, I don't think it's ok to lie about watching porn, but I think if that's a boundary for you and they then watch it then you leave and stop trying to turn them into someone who doesn't watch porn. She knows now that he watches it so there's no point in going back to what he said on the second date.

As I said earlier, cocaine would be a boundary for me, if I found out that someone I was seeing was doing cocaine I would end the relationship, I'm not going to forgive it and keep trying to make them stop doing it...and then act like I've been wronged every time he takes cocaine, when I have a choice to end the relationship.

I think it's fine to 'lie' about whether you masturbate or not though.

I've experienced an extremely controlling relationship which lasted for over a decade so don't think you can tell peoples relationship history by their responses on this thread.

Nothing makes me think this man is an abuser, If the same man was with a woman who didn't mind him watching porn then chances are there would be no issue, so it doesn't suddenly become abuse because he happens to be with someone who is against it.

He should probably leave instead of lying. If you have to lie about having a wank, It's not worth being in the relationship. No one should have to explain or justify that.