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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Friend being off due to my relationship

155 replies

Moyaingoya · 30/04/2024 08:33

Hello, I’d appreciate some thoughts on this. Since meeting my now fiance last year, a close friend of mine has expressed disapproval every time I’ve told her that we have done something in our relationship (moving in together, getting engaged, booking the ceremony) and I really feel like I’m walking on eggshells and can’t mention my fiancé at all because I get the sense she doesn’t like it. I don’t think it’s a case of her being jealous as she has a new(ish) partner herself and that seems to be going well, it’s more that she thinks we are moving too fast and has said as much - none of my other friends/any of my family or any of my fiancé’s have this attitude and everyone else is really happy for us, and I really can’t get my head around this. She is a lot more cautious than me (hasn’t considered whether she and her DP want to move in together for example) which is fine obviously but I feel that the implication is that I’m being really reckless or that there’s something insidious going on (“what’s the rush to get married…?”) - I want to address it but I’m not very confrontational so not sure how best to

OP posts:
Freakinfraser · 30/04/2024 08:37

When you say last year, when last year exactly…

Moyaingoya · 30/04/2024 08:43

Freakinfraser · 30/04/2024 08:37

When you say last year, when last year exactly…

Why is that relevant?

OP posts:
Freakinfraser · 30/04/2024 08:44

Moyaingoya · 30/04/2024 08:43

Why is that relevant?

Because she might have a point. You clearly know full well why it’s relevant.

InfiniteGoodVibes · 30/04/2024 08:46

Moyaingoya · 30/04/2024 08:43

Why is that relevant?

Because last December and January 2023 are significantly different parts of last year.

She might be seeing red flags you are not.

Just ask her.

MostlyHappyMummy · 30/04/2024 08:46

are there children involved?

Huldrafolk · 30/04/2024 08:47

Maybe she’s right and is the only one with the guts to say it?

MotherofChaosandDestruction · 30/04/2024 08:48

Moyaingoya · 30/04/2024 08:43

Why is that relevant?

Of course it's relevant. I'd also be interested if there are children involved? Is the house yours? Does he work and is independent?

studioussquirrel · 30/04/2024 08:49

She knows something about him.

MrMrsMoon · 30/04/2024 08:50

InfiniteGoodVibes · 30/04/2024 08:46

Because last December and January 2023 are significantly different parts of last year.

She might be seeing red flags you are not.

Just ask her.

Yes this

Moyaingoya · 30/04/2024 08:51

Oh wow, these reactions! She doesn’t “know” something about him. No there are no children and we are renting (50/50 🤨)

OP posts:
studioussquirrel · 30/04/2024 08:52

Moyaingoya · 30/04/2024 08:51

Oh wow, these reactions! She doesn’t “know” something about him. No there are no children and we are renting (50/50 🤨)

Ok then.

Singleandproud · 30/04/2024 08:52

I think you need to think back on your friendship - has she always had your best interests at hearing?
Is she normally supportive?
Has she ever helped you through a big break up before?
I suspect she either knows something about him or everyone thinks the same but don't have the guts to say it to your face.

Whatever the reason her gut feeling is to put your friendship at risk and that doesn't tend to come lightly.

BunnyOnTheOnion · 30/04/2024 08:53

How old are you and your fiance @Moyaingoya? What's his previous relationship history and does he have kids?

Maybe you're both baggage free thirty somethings and when you know, you know or maybe theres a big age or power imbalance or you're coming from recent complicated failed relationships with baggage and kids in tow.

Moyaingoya · 30/04/2024 08:57

BunnyOnTheOnion · 30/04/2024 08:53

How old are you and your fiance @Moyaingoya? What's his previous relationship history and does he have kids?

Maybe you're both baggage free thirty somethings and when you know, you know or maybe theres a big age or power imbalance or you're coming from recent complicated failed relationships with baggage and kids in tow.

We are both 32, both have had a couple of long term relationships living with partners with no dramas in either, no kids or previous engagements for either of us. He has a job and is not in debt before anyone asks. I have met his friends and family and they are all nice and normal.

OP posts:
YukNo · 30/04/2024 08:59

I see you still haven’t said when last year you met.

Pipecleanerrevival · 30/04/2024 08:59

You haven’t answered the question about when last year. If you’re living together and engaged after 6 or 7 months then she has a point. I hope it all works out for you anyway.

determinedtomakethiswork · 30/04/2024 09:00

So how long have you known your partner?

determinedtomakethiswork · 30/04/2024 09:01

Is there a history of your friend having to support you after relationship breakdowns?

BunnyOnTheOnion · 30/04/2024 09:02

Then either she is just by nature more cautious and finds your decisiveness unsettling or perhaps is a little envious that you are ticking off those relationship milestones before her. Perhaps it's making her realise her relationship isn't moving at the pace/ direction she would like? Don't let her take the shine off of your happiness but maybe (if she's a close friend) ask her what's making her feel unsettled.

MorrisZapp · 30/04/2024 09:06

You're leaving out the only relevant piece of information. How long have you known this guy?

Moyaingoya · 30/04/2024 09:11

Since Oct

OP posts:
Freakinfraser · 30/04/2024 09:12

I’m guessing you barely knew this guy and it was all very quick.

determinedtomakethiswork · 30/04/2024 09:12

So you've only known this man less than eight months and you're already engaged to him? I would be doubting my friend's sanity in that case.

TreesWelliesKnees · 30/04/2024 09:13

So you're only six months in? She's just worried for you in that case.

Freakinfraser · 30/04/2024 09:13

Moyaingoya · 30/04/2024 09:11

Since Oct

So in 6 months you got engaged and moved in together? Cmon now. Stop this. It must have been weeks you started this.