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Original poster

Friend being off due to my relationship

155 replies

Moyaingoya · 30/04/2024 08:33

Hello, I’d appreciate some thoughts on this. Since meeting my now fiance last year, a close friend of mine has expressed disapproval every time I’ve told her that we have done something in our relationship (moving in together, getting engaged, booking the ceremony) and I really feel like I’m walking on eggshells and can’t mention my fiancé at all because I get the sense she doesn’t like it. I don’t think it’s a case of her being jealous as she has a new(ish) partner herself and that seems to be going well, it’s more that she thinks we are moving too fast and has said as much - none of my other friends/any of my family or any of my fiancé’s have this attitude and everyone else is really happy for us, and I really can’t get my head around this. She is a lot more cautious than me (hasn’t considered whether she and her DP want to move in together for example) which is fine obviously but I feel that the implication is that I’m being really reckless or that there’s something insidious going on (“what’s the rush to get married…?”) - I want to address it but I’m not very confrontational so not sure how best to

OP posts:
Tillievanilly · 30/04/2024 13:47

It’s your life but she sounds worried. 6 months to book a wedding is fast. Why the hurry? Google love bombing? If your not worrried carry on but you need to ask her.

StaunchMomma · 30/04/2024 15:43

Moyaingoya · 30/04/2024 08:51

Oh wow, these reactions! She doesn’t “know” something about him. No there are no children and we are renting (50/50 🤨)

You came here seeking answers and advice re her negativity and then when anyone suggests why she might be wary you snap their heads off.

Maybe part of her concern is how defensive you're being!

CornishPorsche · 30/04/2024 15:46

Your friend is right.

I've got older tins in my cupboard than your relationship....

Please don't rush your life away. Learn who he is, learn who you are when you're with him, and learn whether you are actually compatible after more than a couple of months....

Thorfire · 30/04/2024 15:59

its none of her business you are adults. I’d be inclined to drop her as a friend especially if she’s making you feel uncomfortable and walking on egg shells
there is a difference between having a concerned chat and nit picking with sly comments.
if it’s not this it’ll be something else. She’s a cowbag and doesn’t care if she’s being hurtful.

i met my partner, moved in three months later, got engaged 7 months in. We’ve been together for many years and very happy.

its none of your friends business

PeppaPigIsQAnon · 30/04/2024 15:59

Moyaingoya · 30/04/2024 09:11

Since Oct

Okay, so that's why. She's being a good friend. Chances are you and this guy are rushing things, she sees it, and she's close enough to you not to hide her feelings.

Hopefully things work out for you, but if a friend came to you and in 6 months was living with a new bf, engaged and soon to be married, you'd be a bit weird not to register some reservations.

If you are grown-up enough to make decisions like these, you are surely grown-up enough to recognise a good friend having concerns?

daffodilesque · 30/04/2024 16:03

There are some weird replies here. You shouldn't need to feel that you need to walk on eggshells around a friend. And whether she's being the 'concerned friend' or not, she should back off when she realises her opinions aren't wanted or needed.
If you feel that your relationship is none of your friend's business, especially if it isn't affecting her in any way, tell her to keep her disapproval to herself, or grey rock/shrug it off when she criticises you.

category12 · 30/04/2024 16:10

Yeah, doesn't appear that your friend is being unpleasant, more that she's being honest and most likely has your best interests at heart.

I'm sure it's not what you want to hear, but sometimes good friends tell us what we need to hear, not what we want to hear.

You should know, that too much too soon is a red flag and is a characteristic of a lot of relationships that turn out toxic. There are exceptions, of course, and with any luck yours will be one of those - but she's not wrong to be cautious and concerned on your behalf.

It's good that you don't have kids. I would caution you against getting pregnant at the same speedy pace of the rest of the relationship.

PeppaPigIsQAnon · 30/04/2024 16:11

Thorfire · 30/04/2024 15:59

its none of her business you are adults. I’d be inclined to drop her as a friend especially if she’s making you feel uncomfortable and walking on egg shells
there is a difference between having a concerned chat and nit picking with sly comments.
if it’s not this it’ll be something else. She’s a cowbag and doesn’t care if she’s being hurtful.

i met my partner, moved in three months later, got engaged 7 months in. We’ve been together for many years and very happy.

its none of your friends business

Great. Statistically you are an exception, but you are right they are adults and can make their own mistakes.

I have a friend who was married within 6 months and spent the best part of a decade being depressed with a person who changed dramatically once they were married. She kept saying when friends expressed concern that 'when you know, you know', like no one else had ever known love like it. Turned out he was a complete dickhead.

No marriage is guaranteed, clearly - we all know the stats. But getting engaged and married inside the honeymoon period is demonstrably more of a gamble than taking your time. The question for me is: why the rush? For you it worked out (which I love btw), but it would have worked out if you'd waited too.

This article contains good links to studies about why a longer dating period its more likely to lead to successful marriage. https://www.thecut.com/2018/06/do-marriages-last-longer-if-the-couple-dated-longer-first.html

Do Marriages Last Longer If the Couple Dated for Longer First?

Here’s the ideal length of time to be together before tying the knot.

https://www.thecut.com/2018/06/do-marriages-last-longer-if-the-couple-dated-longer-first.html

DeadbeatYoda · 30/04/2024 16:16

Sounds like your friend is looking out for you. That is such a short time to go from dating to engagement and moving in together. How long since you guys split up with your ex's? Is that an equally brief interval? Is your mate worried about rebound?
It's obvious why your friend would question the speed at which this is happening. Be thankful she cares about you.

Zanatdy · 30/04/2024 16:25

My friend was engaged after 6 months, living together unofficially since day 2 and married 14yrs this month.

YukNo · 30/04/2024 16:27

Your friend is rightly worried about you. Your decision making skills are poor.

Greywitch2 · 30/04/2024 16:40

I imagine she's worried that this guy has 'love bombed' you. It's really very unusual to have met someone in Oct, moved in with them almost immediately, got engaged and already be booking the wedding.

She's been absolutely honest with you that she thinks you are moving too fast. So would most people. She's a decent enough friend that she's had the guts to say this to you. Even if she's wrong, she wouldn't be much of a friend if she didn't raise the possibility.

I'm concerned that none of your family or other friends have said anything.

GreyCarpet · 30/04/2024 16:53

Wow. After 6 months, I'd barely be out of the 'seeing someone' category. I'd just be starting to think in terms of "Do I want this man to bey boyfriend?"

The only times this hasn't been the case were when I've known them for several years before getting together. And, even then, I'd still only be thinking of them as a boyfriend.

You can't possibly know someone we'll enough in a relationship context after 6 months.sometimes people take the leap anyway and it works out but often it doesn't.

There really isn't any rush. I'd also say she's the only one who is being honest with you. Everyone else is just saying what they think you want to hear.

GreyCarpet · 30/04/2024 16:55

There will always be people for whom it works out. Of course there will. Just like there are many relationships where people.have been together for years and it only becomes abusive once they're arrived or have a baby.

The problem is not that it never works put for anyone, just that the better you get to know someone before settling down with them, the less likely you are to find your self 'repenting at leisure'.

Spirallingdownwards · 30/04/2024 17:03

The reality is she doesn't live your life and isn't in your relationship. If you and DP are happy and think you are each other's "one" that's for the two of you to decide .

Ignore the negativity and you do you. You know how you feel and that is good enough for me. If it goes wrong at some stage then so be it. But what if it doesn't and what if in 40 years time you are living together still having lived your best life.

As for your friend tell her you appreciate why she may have concerns but you feel really secure in your decision and trust your own judgment on this. And after all you are renting you haven't married and you haven't bought anywhere. And you are 32 so not a slip of a girl.

SamW98 · 30/04/2024 17:19

There will always be those on these threads who say they lived together after 10 minutes got married d after 3 days and been together 75 years without a cross word but they are the exceptions to the rule.

Its not about negativity or being jealous, your friend is rightly concerned that you’re rushing head first into a marriage with someone before you’ve even got past the early dating stage.

GingerPirate · 30/04/2024 18:14

🤣😂🤣
OK.

Bestyearever2024 · 30/04/2024 18:18

it’s more that she thinks we are moving too fast and has said as much

Funny that

You ARE moving too fast

Mwnci123 · 30/04/2024 18:30

I doubt she's the only friend/ family thinking you're moving too fast. Most people wouldn't say it, evidently, but she is being uncommonly honest with you.

I would avoid discussing the wedding with her, because clearly she doesn't want to be fake. Talk about other things (or consider that she might have a point and park the wedding plans for a bit).

HulaChick · 30/04/2024 18:44

To be fair to OP, my parents were engaged within about 3 months, married within a year & had a very good marriage for nearly 50 years when my Dad died. She misses him every single day.

However, I think that's quite unusual & I hope you're planning a long engagement but hope you'll be one of the happy ones.

Wheredidallthecowboysgo · 30/04/2024 18:54

My friend had a very similar relationship to yours OP, it all moved very quickly & they moved in together, got engaged & pregnant within the year. I had a lot of doubts about the partner but I never said anything. I could never work out why they were in such a rush. They divorced when their daughter was one. My friend now says that she had doubts herself but as long as she was distracted by staying on the trajectory of ticking of various relationship goals she could put it out of her mind. Maybe just think about whether than resonates.

category12 · 30/04/2024 18:59

I don't think anyone is being unfair to the OP - it's valid to say it's very quick and there are potential issues with that. That's not unfair, it's just the reality. Of course there can be good outcomes for some fast relationships as well.

If you can't bear to hear any opposite views to what you're doing, why is that? If you're so sure it's the right thing, why be so defensive about it? Maybe there's a reason it's got under OP's skin so much, maybe she has doubts herself.

I don't think a good friendship is about blindly supporting someone whatever they do, but also about being honest with them.

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 30/04/2024 19:01

Is your fiancé a British Citizen, OP? ( assuming that you are in Britain or the EU). If not…..

Ifyoucouldreadmymindlove · 30/04/2024 19:04

Ah. Now we know why the OP skirted that question for a while. The friend is sensible, the OP potentially less so.

I really think she’s probably just looking out for you @Moyaingoya.

WorriedMama12 · 30/04/2024 19:07

I'd be inclined to think she's worried OP. Did either of you come out of relationships not long before you got together? Is there perhaps a bit of a rebound thing going on? Not saying there is, just wondering. I think after 6 months, you barely know someone, so perhaps she is just concerned. I hope it works out for you.