Friend being off due to my relationship

[Moyaingoya]

Hello, I’d appreciate some thoughts on this. Since meeting my now fiance last year, a close friend of mine has expressed disapproval every time I’ve told her that we have done something in our relationship (moving in together, getting engaged, booking the ceremony) and I really feel like I’m walking on eggshells and can’t mention my fiancé at all because I get the sense she doesn’t like it. I don’t think it’s a case of her being jealous as she has a new(ish) partner herself and that seems to be going well, it’s more that she thinks we are moving too fast and has said as much - none of my other friends/any of my family or any of my fiancé’s have this attitude and everyone else is really happy for us, and I really can’t get my head around this. She is a lot more cautious than me (hasn’t considered whether she and her DP want to move in together for example) which is fine obviously but I feel that the implication is that I’m being really reckless or that there’s something insidious going on (“what’s the rush to get married…?”) - I want to address it but I’m not very confrontational so not sure how best to

OP in afraid I agree with your friend. I'd be worried you are moving too fast. Some people who get married after a few months live happily ever after. Most don't. Your friend is just looking out for you, even if you don't agree. Like others I think you would do well to have a long engagement and see how things go before fully committing, you hardly know someone after a few months. But either way don't blame your friend. If/when you split hopefully she will still be there for you.

This! 6 months?

Suspect the friend has shone a light on what the op already knows and doesn’t wish to face up to.

personally I’m also concerned everyone else is pretending they are happy for them and either dont care enough for the op that they will be honest with her, or do care but feel there is no point in telling her,

what she’s doing is foolish in the extreme. It may work out for her but it’s stacked against her, and I really hope she’s not rushing into this as she wishes to bring kids into it very quickly and he’s seen that.

I first started chatting to my now husband in September 2018 (had worked in the same place as him for 2 years prior but not closely). We were living together by the November and we were trying for a baby by January. We got pregnant within a week and he proposed 6 months into my pregnancy.

I had a friend who was so negative about it. Every milestone she’d say ‘I’m happy for you but please remember how fast this all is!!!’ She was so wary about it because she didn’t KNOW him. She had met him a handful of times but they weren’t close and for all she knew, he could be a rogue that was going to ditch my pregnant self off when he found someone he liked better.

But I knew him and I knew he was the one. We have now been married for 3 years, have another child and are happier than ever. My friend and I barely speak nowadays and her marriage is on the rocks! (How ironic)

Some people are just negative/cautious and I tend to stay away from them now.

Wow all the judgey people who know the intimate details of the ops relationship....

I met my DH on OLD, moved in after 6 months, engaged after 9 months of meeting.... 18 months later we were married and bought a house.... now 10 years together with kids.. I was 28 when we met, him a few years older than me...

Sometimes after you have been in long term relationships you know when a relationship is right.

Think she’s thinking of how she’ll pick you up if it all collapses. She is only looking out for you and rightly or wrongly feels 6months isn’t long enough to “know”.
you have to sit down and talk to her, tell her your feelings on how she’s behaving and that you’re truly happy and believe this is for life..

she is just being your best friend! And if any of mine did this then I’d probably be concerned too

I'm another one who's with your friend. It's been just over 6 months.

Dh and I moved in after 4 months, engaged two months later and started weeding planning for twelve months down the line. Three kids (one poorly/ disabled child then twins just before lockdown) and twelve years later, no regrets.

Quick doesn't mean stupid and reckless. Sometimes you know and it's worth a punt

I’m with your friend on this. If you’ve been with him since October and already getting married then that’s insane! How do you know someone after such a short period of time? She’s putting your friendship at risk because she cares and your clearly putting your new fiancé you’ve known for 6 months before your friend. Some friend you are 😂😂😂

I feel that the implication is that I’m being really reckless or that there’s something insidious going on (“what’s the rush to get married…?”)

You've hit the nail on the head.

It is reckless to book a wedding ceremony with a man that you met 8 months ago. Deep down you know it, otherwise you wouldn't have speculated that as a reason for your friend's response.

I'd be thinking whether the guy has an ulterior motive for wanting to marry you so quickly, whether you have lost your marbles or whether he was manipulating you.

This is what I was thinking.

How long before the moving in and proposing??

My daughters friend has been with her partner over 10 years, my daughter met her partner over 2.5 years ago, they got engaged, she’s lost 2 babies and just recently got married, her friend is desperate to get married, her partner won’t live with her nor get engaged or married, she keeps saying how my daughter is rushing things and basically slagging off everything she does

it’s jealousy on her friends behalf

Deep down perhaps you know it’s all very soon ? Your friend is looking out for you. I’d be interested to know if she also dislikes him. Good friends don’t just say what you want to hear. Maybe ask her (and listen) as to why she is so concerned.

I first started chatting to my now husband in September 2018 (had worked in the same place as him for 2 years prior but not closely). We were living together by the November...

I had a friend who was so negative about it. Every milestone she’d say ‘I’m happy for you but please remember how fast this all is!!!’ She was so wary about it because she didn’t KNOW him.

But I knew him and I knew he was the one

Within 2-3 months you did not know him. It is not possible to truly know someone in such a short timeframe - anyone can seem great for the first few months while first impressions are being made, and before the mask eventually slips or things happen to reveal a person's true nature.

So no. You did not know him in such a short time frame. You just got lucky that you landed a genuinely nice man and that he wasn't just putting up a front the first few months. Most people that move too quickly are not that fortunate and end up stuck/in a crap situation, which is why moving at this speed is risky and not wise. It's always better for a couple to take their time.

To the OP...I think by voicing her concerns, she's actually being a good friend to you.

If there are no real reasons to be concerned ( and I would imagine that as she hasn’t spoke to you directly about an actual concern , then unlikely ) I would imagine it’s just too soon in her opinion . But it’s not her life , so she shouldn’t be being so negative and bringing you down . I had friends like this when I first met my husband ( years ago ! ) . We were a close group and when I was single , every waking moment was with them but then that obviously changed when I met my husband . I think they felt put out , but it really got me down . They made me feel awful about it . It’s unfair I think that friends act like this .

For people grilling OP about when they got together - why is this an issue ? She’s happy ? She’s 32 years old ! I met my now husband and then was engaged within 15 months . We were living together after about 4 months . We married within 2 years of meeting . I was happy and in love , both of us were ! You don’t have to put a time limit on things ! Me and my husband have been together 10 years now.

ok i was on your side but now im on her side 😂6 months and already living together engaged. Jesus. still got the tinted glasses on until 2 years.

It’s very nice to hear stories of how people moved fast in a relationship and it was all perfect. But for every one of those stories there are hundreds where it all went wrong. There is nothing to lose from waiting a while, if he’s the right guy he’ll still be right in a year’s time

LOL at OP flouncing because she didn't get the answers she wanted.

Op has she been like this about other events in your life.

Because if you met in September I full agree with your friend.

She’s right.

She’s marrying a man she’s known 6 months.

It doesn't actually matter if it's been 2 months, 6 months, or 8 years. You made the decision and your friend shouldn't be judging you for it. Sharing her concern in a reasonable way, sure, but not being all standoffish about. She is concerned it's too soon, and that might be reasonable, but it's not her place to be all weird about it. She either gets on board with your choices, or she keeps her opinions to herself.

It might be a big mistake. But it's not her decision to make. It could also be the best thing that ever happened to you, and she's decided hostility is the way to go.

If people see real issues in people's relationships isn't it better to speak up when they notice therefore there would be less 'well he has treated be badly for 20 years but I had my head in the sand and now it has all gone wrong'

If more people speak up it may make people wake up?