Friend being off due to my relationship

[Moyaingoya]

Hello, I’d appreciate some thoughts on this. Since meeting my now fiance last year, a close friend of mine has expressed disapproval every time I’ve told her that we have done something in our relationship (moving in together, getting engaged, booking the ceremony) and I really feel like I’m walking on eggshells and can’t mention my fiancé at all because I get the sense she doesn’t like it. I don’t think it’s a case of her being jealous as she has a new(ish) partner herself and that seems to be going well, it’s more that she thinks we are moving too fast and has said as much - none of my other friends/any of my family or any of my fiancé’s have this attitude and everyone else is really happy for us, and I really can’t get my head around this. She is a lot more cautious than me (hasn’t considered whether she and her DP want to move in together for example) which is fine obviously but I feel that the implication is that I’m being really reckless or that there’s something insidious going on (“what’s the rush to get married…?”) - I want to address it but I’m not very confrontational so not sure how best to

And that would be why she's worried about you.

6 months is ridiculously quick to be moving in together, let alone getting engaged and setting a date for marriage.

Everyone else may be keeping their mouth's shut about it but they're all thinking exactly the same thing as your friend is.

You don't even know someone properly six months in. This marriage is likely doomed.

Edit: Just noticed the OP hasn't replied in a week. Guessing she didn't like the responses after her last comment

”It might be a big mistake. But it's not her decision to make. It could also be the best thing that ever happened to you, and she's decided hostility is the way to go”

That’s what I don’t get. The friend is coming across as jealous more than concerned. When I’m worried about someone I love I don’t get huffy and eye rolly. Envy often comes wearing concern.

Your friend seems to be doing a perfectly reasonable thing, by being concerned that someone she cares about is rushing into getting married.

6 months is a very short space of time to have met, moved in, got engaged, and set a wedding date.

Yes there are exceptions - people who will say 'we got married in the first month and we're still happy 60 years later' - but they are very much exceptions. They took a big gamble and happily it paid off. Many many many more hasty marriages end in regret and tears. Do you want to take the risk and be in the (statistically much more likely position) of realising you've married someone you aren't suited to? (After just 6 months you can't possibly know).

If you are a good match, if he's a great guy, then you'll still be a good match in a year or two's time, you can get married and live happily ever after. Why rush?

I'm more surprised that your other friends, and family, aren't concerned. It could be that they're just keeping their thoughts to themselves.

I've got some bacon in the fridge older than your relationship

I was engaged within four months, we've been married 26 years. When you know, you know.

You're in the lust phase.. hormones stop you seeing things that you definitely will do after 2 years! 😂 Nothing saying you won’t still be together but there’s a reason they say get to know someone every season before you commit (a year at least). why the rush down the aisle?

I had a ‘friend’ who was the same about my husband - we decided to get married really quickly, 15 years later, four children and super happy she was still off about him so I binned her. It’s called jealous

Oh OP. The last thing you should feel right now is attacked. There are so many voices on here posting but it’s all from genuine concern.

I think you know yourself that this is all a bit quick. It’s why you didn’t want to post the date of initially
meeting him and moving in.

I met a guy when I was 27 and within 2 months we were living together. He made so much effort to be the perfect partner, to know each others family, his friend group etc. My friends didn’t trust him and I was so wrapped up in this love and this future that I ignored them trying to tell me about the red flags they saw.

Over time the real ‘him’ came out, who was highly narcissistic, controlling and abusive. This didn’t start until 7/8 months in when the mask began to slip.

Your man might be perfect. He might be a delight, but slowing it down a little to be sure really won’t matter with the right person.

I had to do two years of intensive psychotherapy to fix what he broke. I am now engaged to a wonderful person. Take your time. Make sure this guy is as wonderful as he seems and talk to your friend. It sounds like she cares for your well being.

From my understanding her friend hasn’t said anything it seems to be eye rolling or affected concern postures. That’s not how people who love you show care. Op you wouldn’t tolerate this from a partner, wanting you to feel uneasy and on the back foot. See the fake friend for what she is. We’re only as happy as the people around us want us to be.

Where are people getting this "eye-rolling" and "hostility" from, about the friend?

OP hasn't said anything like that is happening - she's said "a close friend of mine has expressed disapproval", "I really feel like I’m walking on eggshells and can’t mention my fiancé at all because I get the sense she doesn’t like it" and "it’s more that she thinks we are moving too fast and has said as much". OP has also said she isn't sensing jealousy.

OP hasn't given examples of exactly what the friend is doing to make her feel disapproved of, but people certainly seem to be projecting a bit.

Going against the grain here, I got engaged to my husband at 26 after 6 months together. Honestly nobody questioned it, we were and still are right for each other 18 years on. I would ask your friend if she has any specific concern about him, if not I wouldn't worry about it especially if none of your other friends and family have concerns.

Going against the grain here, I got engaged to my husband at 26 after 6 months together. Honestly nobody questioned it, we were and still are right for each other 18 years on. I would ask your friend if she has any specific concern about him, if not I wouldn't worry about it especially if none of your other friends and family have concerns.

Me and my now husband moved in together after 6 months. We were in our late 20’s when we met.

We have been together 11 years and married for 6. Sometimes you just know.

I also had a friend who behaved like this and sadly we aren’t very close anymore. I would definitely suggest speaking to her about it if you don’t want any bad feeling.

Yes, but that was before adolescence officially lasted until thirty.

I met and got engaged to my husband within 8 months and we’ve been happily married for 17 years.

Six months is way way too fast to know the guy. I’d be worried too. I’m surprised others haven’t expressed a similar concern. Move in after six months, ok, but engaged too? Crazy. You barely know him.

I met my now husband in 2003, we were engaged less than a year later… married another year after that. Still going strong. In fact, most of the longest relationships around us are all couples who met, got engaged/decided to be in a committed relationship within a few months. When you know, you know.

Babe, my husband and I moved in with each other 2 weeks after we met. Our mates on both sides had opinions. We are still together 20 years later, married, kids etc. Very very happy and we just went with what we wanted at the time.

Every single one of our friends who expressed concern and spoke about how they were handling their own relationships are no longer with their partners of that time, which shows that they just weren’t with the one and that’s fine but I was.

Move at your own pace and forget everyone else, we all have one life and if I had listened to my friends at the time I would have missed out on the best 20 years of my life x

You made a potentially stupid, risky decision. Whether you’re still together or not is irrelevant. You got lucky. Your friends were perfectly right to express concern. Their current relationship status isn’t some kind of ‘gotcha’.

How is moving in with someone you love risky? You can move out? How is being happy stupid 😂😂

My comment about my friends not being in the relationships they once was, was not a gotcha comment. It was a comment on how YOU are the only one in your relationship, you are the only one who knows how you feel and therefore to comment on a friend's decision is just a moot point. As in… my friends were commenting on my relationship based on their own, and as they are no longer with their partners it shows that their relationship was not the same as mine. No relationships are the same and so opinions just don’t matter.

I find it bizarre when people on these forums comment with such rigid opinions. If you have not been in a relationship that just clicks that’s fine, I would never comment on that. Just as I never comment on my friends relationship decisions. If the OP wants to move in and get engaged quickly what’s that to anyone else if she is happy?

I have friends who have gotten married after 10 years split up the next year, I said NOTHING, because my opinion on someone else’s decision does not matter.

You moved in with a total stranger. That’s pretty much the definition of stupid and risky. If you can’t see that…

How is moving in with someone you love risky? You can move out? How is being happy stupid 😂😂

surely no one is this naive, or is the laughing faces as the poster knows it’s a daft question? Or maybe they are in such a position of privalge financially and with friends and family moving out is just something they can do if they give up their own place?

We were 20 and literally rented a room for £50 a week on a rolling monthly contract in a shared house. Now 40 and we look back on that time with such fun and fond memories. You guys seem so cynical and really quite rigid. Good luck with all your endeavours x

I moved in with my first long-term partner after a couple of months and no-one in my family gave me any advice. We went on to get married and have children. Looking back now, I wouldn't do the same again. I thought we clicked, but in retrospect it was him people-pleasing and mirroring. He got fed up of it after we had children as it was too hard to keep up, and became resentful and uncooperative. At one point pre children, I had actually suggested breaking up as I thought our arguments were unproductive. He said we should work on it. If we hadn't been living together I probably would have left, and it would have been a good thing.

If OP is keen to have a couple of children before 35, say, I guess that might be an incentive to move quickly. But if this woman is worried about her friend, that's not something to criticise her for.

@Augustinbloom in what way would you say your view is less rigid than those of other people on this thread? You seem strongly committed to the idea that people should not act with caution.

When you're young and have few responsibilities, it's fine to take a punt on a relationship.

Just because speedy relationships can work out well for some people, doesn't mean it is a wise decision - or that people are wrong or being horrible if they say "hang on a bit, are you sure you're not rushing things?" or something similar.

If I had a friend who seemed to be fast-forwarding a relationship, I would probably say if I had misgivings, because they're my friend and I know that love-bombing and 'too much too soon' can be red flags for abusive relationships.

I hate this culture we seem to have moved to of "you must validate me and all my choices or you're against me and spiteful".

I can be someone's friend and not think everything they do is art.

I would hope that someone who cared about me might say something to me if they thought I was making a mistake or taking a risk. I wouldn't necessarily change what I was doing, but I'd appreciate that they gave a shit.