Friend being off due to my relationship

[Moyaingoya]

Hello, I’d appreciate some thoughts on this. Since meeting my now fiance last year, a close friend of mine has expressed disapproval every time I’ve told her that we have done something in our relationship (moving in together, getting engaged, booking the ceremony) and I really feel like I’m walking on eggshells and can’t mention my fiancé at all because I get the sense she doesn’t like it. I don’t think it’s a case of her being jealous as she has a new(ish) partner herself and that seems to be going well, it’s more that she thinks we are moving too fast and has said as much - none of my other friends/any of my family or any of my fiancé’s have this attitude and everyone else is really happy for us, and I really can’t get my head around this. She is a lot more cautious than me (hasn’t considered whether she and her DP want to move in together for example) which is fine obviously but I feel that the implication is that I’m being really reckless or that there’s something insidious going on (“what’s the rush to get married…?”) - I want to address it but I’m not very confrontational so not sure how best to

Christ alive, I have dirty washing that's been in the laundry basket from before October.

She's probably quite worried about who this guy is that's appeared and completely taken over your life in a matter of months.

Marry in haste, repent at leisure. You need a calm chat with your friend as she may have point!

Yikes. Seems like your friend has a point, does it not worry you you barely know this guy?

I'd be very concerned if it were a friend of mine and tbh I'd assume one party had some sort of reason for wanting to get married so quickly. Don't let the honeymoon period of a new relationship blind you to red flags OP (now I probably sound like your friend 😂)

Your friend is rightly concerned.

If he's the one, then what do you lose by slowing down a bit?

So you've only known him a few months and you're already engaged and moved in together, and you think your friend is jealous that you are so desperate to get a ring on your finger ? You seriously think it's your friend that has the problem here? News flash - she's right. People don't get engaged to someone they only knew for a few months in the real world. They get to know a person slowly and don't move in that quickly. Still, by the end of the year when it's all gone wrong because you rushed things at least your wise friend will still be there for you 🙄

Yeah, I expect we are all jealous of you too dear x

Well, I think I'd also be concerned if a relationship moved this fast. Doesn't mean it can't work out, but it would be a concern. And I think you know perfectly well why she's concerned by the fact that you tried to keep the speed of this relationship to yourself.

I think anyone who moves this fast probalby has people concerns. Issues that would exacerbate that concern would be children (not a case here so that's good), mismatched finances (one earning significantly more than the other in either direction can be a concern and a risk factor), moving city/country.

Other concerns I've seen/experienced might be when a friend knows that her friend is desperate to be married and/or have children and worries that as a result a woman is settling too quickly (I've definitely had a few of these and in one case, while this woman is still married, she is not particularly happy with her husband and it's not a surprise to any of us.).

You mentioned booking the ceremony. There's more to life than a ceremony. Marriage is a lifetime commitment. Not once did you mention discussion about marriage.
Slow down. Reevaluate. Halt.

😂😂😂

Nailed it

It sounds like she's just concerned about you OP, how can you really know someone well enough to know you can weather storms together enough to want to legally tie yourselves together in 6 months?

I have been with my partner now for 4 months - the idea of him proposing 2 months from now or discussing moving in is absolutely hilarious. If he got down on one knee I'd tell him to get up and stop being daft. I probably wouldn't even consider renting with him for another year or so yet.

Your friend is concerned for you - you're absolutely in lovebombing territory. For all those relationships that moved at breakneck speed and worked out, there are far more that turned out a nightmare - the other person pushed for commitment asap, waited until everything was locked in, then turned into an abusive/controlling/manipulative arsehole.

She sounds like a good friend - doesn't just tell you what you want to hear, but the hard truths

Your friend has a point. Is there a reason why you’re moving so fast? You feel like she’s “being off” but it sounds like actually she might be your only true friend

6 months is a very short time to get engaged though.Is there a terrible rush? Do you want a family and feel short on time? Slow up a little .If hes right for you then it will work out .

I moved in with my husband after two months so I'm not judging that bit. However, it was his house and I could have moved back with my parents at any time had it all gone wrong. Marriage though, we waited for a long time even though we both knew we wanted to. We were just enjoying our time together as a couple before starting down the expensive marriage and kids route. I'm not really sure what the rush is? Give it a couple of years for the honeymoon period to wear off and then see where you are. I can understand your friend being a little bit wary tbh.

IME it's too soon. That E is from looking around at friends and family however.

I got together with my DH (young) and 4 months later we married. More than 40 years ago and are still together. But we are very much the exception, i think

@Moyaingoya

Have read your posts only so not sure how the thread is going.

But I would say as you have only known your partner a very very short amount of time that your friend comes from a place of caution and care.

Six months is nothing, fair enough to try and live together, but it’s enormously quick for a legal commitment as huge as marriage.

Genuinely I would be examining aspects such as disparity in pay/inheritance and so forth (consider prenup - not legally binding but usually followed), never mind your attitudes and position on everything from children, education, religion, jobs, pensions etc..

Rights and responsibilities change massively with marriage.

I would think the same as your friend and be a bit wary and try and talk to you about it, personally. Obviously it’s your business and relationship but people may still be worried

https://www.family-lawfirm.co.uk/blog/what-does-marriage-mean-legally/

https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/living-together-marriage-and-civil-partnership/living-together-and-marriage-legal-differences/

Generally if you are entitled to benefits or incredibly wealthy marriage can be a real ball ache and put you in a mountain of stress. Middling wealth it’s less problematic. Seek advice from CAB if you are in receipt of benefits or liable to be if you have kids (childcare etc). Seek advice from a solicitor if you have wealth (now or in future) or a higher earner.

If you buy a property and have unequal contributions to deposit go tenants in common. In any event sort your will.

id advice a clares law check on him before u marry him. especially if hes driving the wedding

It sounds like your friend is worried about you. October was only 6 months ago, so that is incredibly quick to have met, moved in, gotten engaged and booked the ceremony

I think I'd want to make sure a friend wasn't blindly rushing in to things too if I'm honest.

And as much as I'm sure everyone else is very supportive to your face, I'd imagine if something bad happens down the line you'll get a lot of 'well we all knew you were moving too fast' so actually maybe reflect on whether having someone who cares enough to tell you that they are worried is such a bad thing

I’d also ask why the rush op? Why the rush to get married ro someone you barely know? Why can’t you spend time getting to know each other properly?

100% with your friend, but doubt OP will be back let alone listen to the unanimous opinion here

So how long into the relationship before you got engaged? One of my friends had a similar whirlwind romance where she was engaged within months. She’s still married to him. They live in America - he’s from there, she’s from the UK. He’s a major time narcissist and has told her that if she leaves him he will make sure she never sees her kids again and she cant leave the country with them without his consent. He’s seriously the scum of the earth and I wish we’d all have been a bit more honest with our worries when she told us about her engagement.

Just ask her what the problem is. She might have spotted something you haven't.

My feeling is that your friend is looking out for you. She had the courage to tell you that she thinks your moving to quick with this relationship. You were very reluctant to tell us your with him 6 months. I think your in honeymoon stage when everything appears wonderful but waiting more time gives you both a chance to see what each other is really like.
It like in the early stage of a relationship we are on our best behaviour and nothing that shows what we are really like can appear. After a period of time we relax or something happens that tests the relationship more and we can then see what the other person is like.
This is not a bad thing. Being honest the worse thing people can do is rush into getting married or having a child.

I have seen men and women who rush into relationships because they don't want to be on their own or because their friends are all now in couples, getting married or having children.

One of my friends was involved with a man a few years ago. He decided he could better and ended things with her. He got in contact with her a while ago and they were chatting. They met up and supprise supprise he wanted to get into a friend's with benefits situation with her.
He is living with his girlfriend and they have a child together. My friend is fully aware of his situation and knows certain things that his girlfriend is unaware of.
She said he rushed into his current relationship and now reality has kicked in.

My friend told him that they will only be friends.

You might not like what your friend is telling you. I would be slowing things down rather than ending up in an unhappy or broken marriage where you may have kids involved in as well.
I know people that are stuck in bad marriages because they have not the money to split up and provide 2 places to live and life is miserable for them and their kid's.