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Original poster

Friend being off due to my relationship

155 replies

Moyaingoya · 30/04/2024 08:33

Hello, I’d appreciate some thoughts on this. Since meeting my now fiance last year, a close friend of mine has expressed disapproval every time I’ve told her that we have done something in our relationship (moving in together, getting engaged, booking the ceremony) and I really feel like I’m walking on eggshells and can’t mention my fiancé at all because I get the sense she doesn’t like it. I don’t think it’s a case of her being jealous as she has a new(ish) partner herself and that seems to be going well, it’s more that she thinks we are moving too fast and has said as much - none of my other friends/any of my family or any of my fiancé’s have this attitude and everyone else is really happy for us, and I really can’t get my head around this. She is a lot more cautious than me (hasn’t considered whether she and her DP want to move in together for example) which is fine obviously but I feel that the implication is that I’m being really reckless or that there’s something insidious going on (“what’s the rush to get married…?”) - I want to address it but I’m not very confrontational so not sure how best to

OP posts:
studioussquirrel · 30/04/2024 09:15

Moyaingoya · 30/04/2024 09:11

Since Oct

You barely know him then?

Freakinfraser · 30/04/2024 09:17

how long had you known him when you decided to live together and then get married?

betterangels · 30/04/2024 09:17

I'd be wondering what the rush was as well tbh. Is she the one you go to if/when relationships don't work?

Beefcurtains79 · 30/04/2024 09:17

I’d be concerned if my mate got engaged within 6 months, I’d be asking what the rush is too.

HollyKnight · 30/04/2024 09:17

Your friend is just concerned about how fast you are moving with this guy you've only known for 6 months. That's normal and a sign of a good friend. I'm more baffled by why no one else in your life is concerned.

Civilservant · 30/04/2024 09:18

as others say, assuming this friend is good to you in general it seems your friend is a cautious type and is worried about you. She’s been honest and expressed that.

MrMrsMoon · 30/04/2024 09:18

It is very early to be planning your wedding. Moving in together is one thing but planning a lifetime of commitment quite another at this stage. I did something similar the first time round, but I know better now.
You can't really know somebody in less than a year.
No wonder people with more life experience are cautioning you. I think your friend is probably struggling with supporting you in an unwise decision.

Covetthee · 30/04/2024 09:19

If it was my best friend/close friend i’d also have some concerns and if i truly valued that friendship I would speak up about it to her as well.

6 months from meeting to engaged and living together is quick.

I’m sure lots of people will come along and see they knew their partner for two months. I got married and I’ve been together 50 years since but that’s a rare case.

maybe sit down with your friend and have a civilised conversation as to why she feels the way she does and is saying the things she says.

VeryStressedMum · 30/04/2024 09:21

Your friend is concerned that within 6 months you've moved in with him, got engaged and already booked the wedding. She's maybe got a point

BodyKeepingScore · 30/04/2024 09:21

Moyaingoya · 30/04/2024 09:11

Since Oct

I suspect this is her issue... she's most likely concerned (and rightly so) that you met this guy in October and are already living with and engaged to him.

Huldrafolk · 30/04/2024 09:22

Moyaingoya · 30/04/2024 09:11

Since Oct

He’s just about moved out of the ‘acquaintance’ category and you’ve moved in and are marrying him? I’m with your friend.

ClonedSquare · 30/04/2024 09:22

I moved in with my husband after six months so I don't judge that part, but I could understand why my friends and family might have been concerned. If they'd voiced it then I'd have just not discussed the topic with them, so I'd suggest doing the same.

Having got engaged and booked a wedding already is a lot more intense and I can understand their concern. Why can't you just live together for a while and discover if you really are compatible, without the legal commitments?

Scottishskifun · 30/04/2024 09:23

I would say your friend is concerned given how fast its moving. It used to be fairly common to meet and be married within a 12 month period but that's when cohabiting was seen as a mortal sin!

6 months is not a long time is your wedding date this year?

I moved in with DH within 6 months and did have a fair few eyebrows raised tbh. It came out of a place of love not jealousy or malice.

It might be all OK but your friend is looking out for you as love bombing is a thing, so is a switch in personality etc.

Freakinfraser · 30/04/2024 09:23

ClonedSquare · 30/04/2024 09:22

I moved in with my husband after six months so I don't judge that part, but I could understand why my friends and family might have been concerned. If they'd voiced it then I'd have just not discussed the topic with them, so I'd suggest doing the same.

Having got engaged and booked a wedding already is a lot more intense and I can understand their concern. Why can't you just live together for a while and discover if you really are compatible, without the legal commitments?

It’s six months now and they have already rented, got engaged and booked the ceremony so clearly it was way way before the 6 month mark.

Singleandproud · 30/04/2024 09:24

I would be concerned like your friend, but also my parents got married after meeting each other 6 weeks before and have been happily married 40 years so it can work. They had witnesses off the street and their photos in a Woolies photobooth

TheYearOfSmallThings · 30/04/2024 09:25

I mean obviously it is a bit odd. You've known him six months, moved in together, got engaged and booked the wedding? And you are both 32 so there is no reason to throw caution to the wind, you have plenty of time to do things properly.

So why the rush? Is it you or him driving it? I'm guessing he must have proposed, so is it him?

FUBAR77 · 30/04/2024 09:25

I’m also with your friend on this OP. Can you tell us what the rush is - I.e, why are you booking a ceremony after such a short time together?

Often you see abusive people will love bomb you into rushing and in the early days everything is so wonderful it’s easy to get carried away.

I am suprised she is the only one on either side to have raised concerns with you.

MrMrsMoon · 30/04/2024 09:25

Love bombing is definitely a thing, as pointed out by @Scottishskifun
As old grannies used to say 'marry in haste, repent at leisure'.
Just think this through before you commit to a wedding or babies!

FabricPattern · 30/04/2024 09:27

Come on - it's not your friend being horrible is it?

Honestly, you haven't the wit you were born with.

Freakinfraser · 30/04/2024 09:28

FabricPattern · 30/04/2024 09:27

Come on - it's not your friend being horrible is it?

Honestly, you haven't the wit you were born with.

😂

yeah I don’t get why the op is being so disingenuous here when it’s clear the friend has a point.

its2024 · 30/04/2024 09:40

Sorry OP but your friend has a point, she's only looking out for you.

Why the hurry? Live together first and engagement/wedding a few years away. Your being love bombed and once your married his true self will appear.

If he really is the one, he will be happy to wait. I know from experience a friend married within a year and it did not go well.

SamW98 · 30/04/2024 09:42

I’m another one who is with your friend. It’s all a bit frantic isn’t it? You’ve moved in with got engaged to and booked the wedding to someone you really hardly know. You’re in the very early stages and it’s the honeymoon period - you really don’t know what chitter well enough yet to make that sort of commitment.

What’s the rush for? I’m actually shocked that your friend is the only one with concerns tbh

You've only got to look at the daily threads in here from women who fell for the love bombing and a year or two down the line wonder why he’s not the man they thought he was.

80s · 30/04/2024 09:43

"Since meeting my now fiance last year, a close friend of mine has expressed disapproval" means that your friend started expressing disapproval when she met him. Is that what you wanted to say? That she was neutral about him until she met him? If so, what do you think she saw that she didn't like?

Sounds like she's concerned about you in any case. Have you done something similar in the past and regretted it? Or has she, or another friend?

One thing that's really important in a marriage is good communication. As you're about to enter married life, perhaps you could take this as an opportunity to practise honest but carefully considered communication. Start a conversation with your friend based on the premise that she's a decent person. Ask her what's going on, listen to her answer and tell her what you have understood. https://www.counselling-directory.org.uk/memberarticles/how-to-improve-communication-in-relationships

VeraForever · 30/04/2024 09:44

Your relationship is moving far too quickly. Your friend is, rightly, concerned.

Anywherebuthere · 30/04/2024 09:51

I can see where you're friend is coming from.
Six months is a very short time to be making big decisions/choices like that. Obviously your life, your choice but your friend isnt wrong to be concerned. Perhaps she isnt showing it in the best way.

I agree with PP its odd no one else seems to be worried for you.

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