Dating Thread 248 - Spring is on it's way and so are outdoor dates

[SortingItOut]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your faulT.
7. Know your wortH.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

That should say DC arrangements (excuse my fat fingers lol).

@blacksocks33 and @Mckittens i can’t tell you how upset I am about it. I know it has only been 3 months but he was so invested - made me more invested than I would have been and now this. Heard nothing all day, he has been working late tonight to get his stuff ready for going away but I just don’t get this.

I definitely agree with the pps who said it seems like some sort of manipulation. I honestly am stuck with what to do next. Everything out there says not to do anything, not to text. I don’t think I will hear from him again now though. He has some stuff of mine so when he returns off his work thing in 2 weeks, I will need to try and get it back!!

@Bestlife18 you don’t do it to someone you went on a couple of dates with, let alone someone you are in a relationship with!!

To me it sounds like something is off and like he is using/has orchestrated this whole situation, maybe subconsciously, to find fault with you and to prepare to break up… something else must have been happening in the background which you aren’t aware of 🤔

How often were you seeing each other and did you call each other boyfriend and girlfriend etc? Did you both officially come off the apps?

@RadiantRainbow thats exactly what I thought. That he never had any intention of me actually going over there and that it was a ploy to get rid of me before his trip away. Oh yes, he told me he loved me, we saw each other on our child free every other weekends and then twice in the week as well. Came off the apps pretty much immediately.
I wouldnt say he love bombed me as there were no grand gestures, gifts etc but defo future talk 🙄. It’s so very strange.
I would love to know though what he would have done if I had said yes I was going over and dropped everything. He clearly never intended on me going there though, defo a game.

@Bestlife18 I'm sorry this has happened when actually you were definitely dating this men. The two flags which set me off is when people say something was wrong with their phone/left in washing machine - basically always a lie! The second annoying thing is not picking up the phone straight after texting. I'd understand 30min etc to get stuff done but all this time makes me think he's playing games to get you to dump him but doesn't want to do it himself.

I'll bet if the trip doesn't go well or whatever distraction doesn't go well, he will be back.

@Bestlife18 Im sorry it hurts doesn’t it. Could it be that he is a bad communicator? Jokingly asked you to come over and assumed you would? I guess the next step is to decide whether to take the upper hand and communicate with him. As it sounds like a misunderstanding of some kind. In your position I wouldn’t want to wait for him to decide to carry on. Particularly if he was away. I would take the upper hand. I think if it was lovebombing you would know as in my experience it is full on very fast. I hope you are ok.

Thanks @Tillievanilly and @Loopylooni

totally agree with what you have both said here. I do think he is a bad communicator but also, I did suspect that this may have been designed to get me to pull the trigger.

I also agree with the whole leave them to it and don’t text but also, did think that at 46, I shouldn’t have to play these shitty games. There’s no point me messaging today as I know he is mega busy before having to have two weeks off. So I might have to sit on this til tomorrow morning. For context, the trip is 2 weeks away with military reserve unit….

@Bestlife18 am so sorry. Love bombing isn’t always gifts etc and can be “future faking”. I would absolutely be calling him out over this, I don’t believe in just staying quiet while they do this. It’s cowardly and manipulative of him. I’d really be asking for answers as to why he thinks this is an acceptable way to act and leave you without answers. Big hug as know how it feels

Thanks @RosieAway i know - it’s really shitty. I feel like crap and I know it hasn’t been that long but when you think you find one decent one and we know how hard that is!

I am really trying to not msg today but I will do later or maybe tomorrow morning. Torn between breezy like I don’t give a shit and asking wtf?! I am not convinced he hasn’t blocked me mind you already. I guess only one way to find out! He doesn’t have last seen on but always showed his online.

@Bestlife18 yes I agree, it does sound like it may be a slow fade kind of situation which is totally unacceptable given that you both love each other! Where's the respect in that?!

Yeah @blacksocks33 totally. I have been listening to men are from mars, women from Venus book and I am torn. Has anyone heard about the male rubber band theory?

I’m not sure if it’s just out of date excuses for men’s poor behaviour or if there is something in it. I’m definitely thinking it applied to my ex partner who screwed me over and my ex husband!

thanks for sticking with me everyone - I appreciate the support as my friends don’t understand why I am so bothered about all this!

@Bestlife18 I agree with all that's been said sadly. Whatever is going on it's disrespectful and not how to behave if you are falling in love or in love with someone.

Agree with @Loopylooni the phone in the pond excuse in the light of all of this sounds dodgy so perhaps something else is going on and he has created the drama on Tuesday on the back of whatever else is happening. Have you messaged him? I wouldn't be able to leave it for the two weeks he is away, I couldn't. I'd need to know why was going on although appreciate you may not get a response if he is going to fully ghost but at least you'd know that. It's awful for you.

Totally agree @Mckittens the phone story didn’t stack up straight off as he was showing as online for ages when it was allegedly in the airing cupboard drying! It’s just weird then why reply at all the next day and not just vanish then!

i think like we said, it’s been an orchestrated move. Possibly since the weekend. I’ve decided I am going to send something later or tomorrow morning before he goes. I’ll also get to see whether I have been blocked then and that will be that! I am not going to give him the satisfaction of ranting though, try and focus on the misinterpretation.

@Bestlife18 I’d have to message and ask. But then im not the best judge of what to do! I messaged Mr N last night who I’ve not heard from since we had our misunderstanding last week. He said he’d call when he was back from his weekend away but hadn’t bothered and so I left a voice note basically saying I was assuming we weren’t seeing each other anymore as I’d not heard from him. Said it all nicely but I cannot be doing with his rubbish comms or being ghosted. Flipping men!!!

@Bestlife18 I would send something. Today if you're planning on it. If you send it tomorrow it's almost like giving him an excuse tk not reply (as he'll just say he was away etc). If he doesn't reply after today you won't be wondering if it's because he's away!

Be brave, you can do this! Any response won't be as hurtful as what you're feeling now!

@Browniesandcustard i wondered when you were meant to be hearing back. Ffs!! Why the hell do we bother. How long were you dating for?

I have just crafted a message now and I will send it about 9pm tonight. That’s gonna show me if he has blocked me but also @blacksocks33 thats what I thought the excuse would be. It’s not accusatory but I need to send it and not play games myself

@Bestlife18 you can do it 💪🏼❤️
Just remember you're sending this message for your own peace of mind, not for him. You do not want to go into the next 2 weeks wondering what's going on! This is for your own peace of mind, which you deserve!!

@Bestlife18 given your replies about coming off the apps, telling you he loved you and planning future, this is absolutely shocking, and especially if it is the first time in MONTHS and has to go so spectacularly bad! Are you sure you cannot remember any pink flags at all looking back?
Usually there are hints from the off, but when we are full or hormones and charmed and just excited to have found someone who seems decent we might not notice them...

Being breezy is only appropriate when you are still strangers and getting to know each other, getting intense when you aren't sure that the other person is as interested in you as you are in them rarely works out well...but in your situation when you are already in a clearly defined relationship, not some kind of situationship, you'd command more respect if you (calmly) ask for answers.

However unfortunately it also sounds like you might not get any answers because either he is a coward who might disappear, or would be lying to himself, so would either ignore you or would try to backtrack, brush it all under the rug and pretend it was all a misunderstanding, depending on whatever is going on for him which made him hide/change track in the first place. It's gutting!

I haven’t posted on here for over a year. Was dating a friend but all went terribly wrong (but that’s a long story).

Anyway I met someone through a Facebook group a few months ago, instantly felt attracted to him, like a crush. I wasn’t in a position to date at the time (I was undergoing surgery and had a cancer scare) so I waited….and just fantasised over him 😬. Eventually I started talking to him more and managed to meet up with him, I had a picture in my head what he was going to be like in real life. We got on really well and went on a 2nd date. Despite him not being what I expected the 2nd date went well and we DTD. Last weekend I went to his for a few hours but the sex wasn’t that great (I was nervous as I was going to his for the first time) and he talked non stop for 3 hours about his interests. I have ADHD so I struggle to focus when people are talking about things I don’t know much about and I kind of just switched off. Everything felt just a bit rubbish and I felt exhausted from his talking, I think I probably came across as quiet and not interested. Since then we have still been chatting but there’s no flirting or not talk about sex. I think he’s gone off me because I didn’t engage in talking about his interests.
We do share a few interests but also have a few different ones which is fine with me, i just struggle to listen to him talk non stop about them. Pretty sure he is also ND so he gets carried away talking. Do I just tell him that he overwhelmed me by talking too much? 😬 or does it sound like he’s already lost interest?
He has mentioned meeting up this weekend but hasn’t given me a definite yes or no because he might be taking his daughter (adult) out. I kind of feel like he’s expecting me to be available last minute when he decides what he’s doing.

Thanks @RadiantRainbow nope - well at least not that I have spotted, apart from not knowing what school year his kids were in but tbh, not sure my ex would know that! It’s so bloody frustrating. I’ll send my text at about 8.30 tonight and then we will see if he has blocked me at least.

I have just pulled a bit of a secret weapon. One of the school mums used to work with his ex wife (Facebook thanks!). She doesn’t know why she left him but she is going to ask someone who should know so we may indeed get an insight. As awful as this sounds, I’d almost feel happier knowing that he had form as cheat, liar, etc and then it would make me feel like I really did dodge a bullet!

@Lovemusic82 I am probably not the very best person to give advice right now but if you are feeling this now, I’d walk away before you end up embroiled like me and hurt. If you find him annoying now, it’ll really grate on you further down the line.

He’s not annoying as such….just talks way too much. It could possibly be a nervous thing? I know it’s probably not going to work though and I think he possibly feels the same.

Thanks @RadiantRainbow nope - well at least not that I have spotted, apart from not knowing what school year his kids were in but tbh, not sure my ex would know that

@Bestlife18 I don’t have kids and don’t date men with kids so never even been a step-parent but I know what year my godchildren and close friends kids are in!

Did he take a few seconds to figure it out /recall the information or did he just not know at all? That would be a massive red flag for me if I ever dated a man with children and he couldn’t tell me what year his kids were in.

He did try and recall - if I’m honest, I have to think twice sometimes about my own but he didn’t seem to know much about their school stuff.

I never heard about male rubber band theory, but now I read a bit about it. It makes sense.

I think men do like independent women who want to be with them and don't need to be with them. A women are intriqued by confident men who have a life going on.

However, you can still get your space while being respectful to the other person. "Hey babe, I'm going to be busy with work for the next week." instead of intentionally making the other person insecure and worried. It literally takes 3 minutes to text someone in this day and age.