Dating Thread 248 - Spring is on it's way and so are outdoor dates

[SortingItOut]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your faulT.
7. Know your wortH.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

Terrific advice!!!

@blacksocks33 yep that's her point. We can learn a lot about a person by observing their family and their interactions with our friends, but best to do it before falling in love because once committed it will be very difficult for us to recognise the pitfalls. It dawns on me this is why some arranged marriages work, the relationship has been "vetted" by both sides before they even meet. I have some friends who are very happy in their arranged relationships (but they are not forced, just some sort of formal introductions via family and both people can decide whether not to progress).

Hi everyone - update and advice seeking after the disappearing fella who dropped the phone in the pond and was being different in his comms. Sorry it’s long….

So, for context, his big trip away is this weekend for 2 weeks. It’s work related and he has loads to do before leaving. I had my usual good mornings and good evenings with couple of other texts on mon along with an unprompted msg that said “right this weeks plans are, mon doing x, tues doing x,” etc. I replied with oh well that answered my next question of whether you had a free evening this week! I thought it was odd he felt the need to tell me this??

He replied with “come help me pack Tuesday 🤣”. I said that I would happily do, etc but tbh I thought he was joking so made no plans and he never mentioned anything after this. Just a goodnight text. Tues morning comes, get my morning text and nothing throughout the day. At 8pm gone, he asks me if I was still going over! I replied saying I thought he was joking and got a “no, I wasn’t joking. It was a serious invitation as it’s my only free evening. Never mind.” I called straight after receiving this he didn’t answer. Also hasn’t msgd me since.

After just thinking he was behaving strangely due to being super under pressure, I’m now wondering if this is manipulation. I lived with two narcissists in the past so I can’t trust my own judgement. Just think it’s odd he hasn’t messaged me again at all today. Ffs. Am I over analysing? May also not contact me again of course!!

I think you've hit the nail on the head OP. This man seems like someone who is going to waste a great deal of your time.

If he was going to invite you to meet, he would ask outright. None of these mind games.

Have you met him in person yet?

@Bestlife18 it's very rude of him not returning your call or at least messaged you. I also think he's not serious in looking for a relationship - when people are keen they will make things work somehow. I think you dodged a bullet there!

@Bestlife18

He replied with “come help me pack Tuesday 🤣”

Yeah that would annoy me. If he wanted you to come, he should invite you properly without that emoji, and if he is saying he was serious does that including the packing bit? I think it’s a bit of a nerve if he genuinely wanted you to come over as a guest and …help him… pack?!

He should’ve been clear, eg if you’re free Tuesday do you want to come over for dinner and you can drink some wine and keep me company while I pack” . That would be been more respectful.

I think I’d have asked him right there and then if he was joking before saying I’d happily do it, just so there we no crossed wires but that message he sent was almost deliberately unclear so it’s understandable why you replied like that. Maybe he was testing the waters so if you said no he could say he was only joking.

I think his communication is off and he is someone who uses the silent treatment which would make me think twice about him.

@Bestlife18 Oh now he is sulking. He's one of those people that purposely communicate vaguely then get grossly offended because they didn't manage to manipulate you.

Hi @newdater32 yeah we have been together since March in what I thought was an actual relationship!!

@Tamigotxh totally agree with you. I’ve been treading carefully as I know he has lots on this week so tried to be breezy! Although it was killing me! I think this is defo the silent treatment now. Also, if it was genuine, why leave it til 8pm gone to ask me if I was going!!

Hi everyone, can I ask opinions. I have returned to an app and have a few chats going on. One is a previous match that fizzled out. We have moved to what’s app. We plan to meet Friday. But haven’t planned a phone call or video call first. Plus no voice notes so far. I’m wary as I had a bad experience with someone before. So my question is do you all voice chat first?? Or do you just go for it and hope they aren’t a crazy?!

@Bestlife18 i would translate that into he wants one thing from you and it wasn’t packing! I would match his low vibe but to be ignored would annoy me more and I would move on tbh.

@Tillievanilly yeah it’s the being ignored that is winding me up the most tbh. I called him straight away so his phone would have been close by. I am now expecting full on ghosting now tbh but also contemplating getting back into dating and not wasting any more time over him although it’s hard as it’s the first sign of anything shitty in 3 mths.

I would just go and not worry about the calls tbh - just as long as they are low effort dates and not too far to travel etc.

@Tillievanilly I have never voice chatted. Didn't even know it's a thing 😮

Would always at very outside voicenote before meeting if not an actual phonecall.

@Bestlife18 he sounds like he uses the silent treatment as punishment. My ex did too. It destroyed me. You have had a lucky escape imo.

@Tillievanilly Yeah a short video call or a phone call for like 5 to 10 minutes. You're at home and safe and you can always cut it short if something is off.

I'm thinking now if it's perhaps a good thing to have something awkard happen soon-ish and see how your date communicates with you.

Also had an ex who used silent treatment and stonewalling as means to get what he wanted. Having been through it, I now know that's a hard pass for me.

I'd like to be someone who wants to work together not engage in this game of one upmanship.

I’ve never done a video call in my life and have no idea what voice notes are 🤣

I won’t usually do phone calls either. In fact the only dates I had with people I’d spoken to on phone were probably worst I’ve ever had so it was a waste of time

I just have a first date as daytime drink or coffee and cut it short if I’m not feeling it

Thank you I might voice note later and go from there. Those asking voice notes are the microphone option on the chat or on what’s app. I quite like to hear someone’s voice. Tbh in the past everyone I’ve spoken to has come across well on calls. But not always the case face to face.

I’ve found video or phone calls have usually “jinxed” it - but maybe they saved me time. And I avoid voice notes too because I hate people commenting on my voice! But find them quite telling if they send one

@Psychoticbreak I think so too - nothing still all day so like I said, I’m fully expecting a complete ghosting now.

My ex husband was exactly the same. Used to disappear physically for days on end and ignore me. Was very deliberate

@cassiatwenty yep this is coming up 24 hrs now and the fact that he knew I was calling is just pathetic imo, any grown up who was normal and cared about the other person would have just answered - especially knowing they were going to be away for a fortnight. It’s really pissing me off now!

@Bestlife18 I am so sorry this has happened after 3 months of things seemingly going well, it's so disappointing.

@Tillievanilly I always tend to just meet, have learnt thata quick meet up without endless texting or phone calls first is preferable for me. But having said that I have also had one recent video call where I was able to save time and rule them out on the basis of the call and not meet so I can see why people would advocate for it.

Although having said that I have found myself back involved with a serial messager just now. Which I said I wouldn't do again. Lovely long, interesting messages being exchanged and already I can feel myself getting emotionally invested which I know is crazy as they are from a stranger off the internet 🤦‍♀️ we have said we will meet up but no definite arrangement made as yet. I will need to raise it as I can't continue with the messages as they are as it will be hugely disappointing if we meet and don't click in real life.

@Mckittens its nice I think to meet and sense a connection without a video call. We haven’t been messaging long so I don’t feel to invested. But have made that mistake previously. But I met someone quite quickly a while back who seemed fine by messages but was crazy scary on meeting. So I’m wary now. I messaged and we are going to call before Friday. Plus like you I have had long calls/messages with someone then been disappointed in the real world! Hope you can meet yours soon!

Oh this sounds like such an unnecessary headf*ck and I'm so sad it's happening to you!
What can't people just communicate honestly and respectfully. It's soemthing happens or feelings change, why can't they just talk! It's SO unfair.
I imagine this has caused you a lot of stress, and I don't blame you if it has!
Have you brought up the change in comms at all? I think I'd be tempted to pull him up in this weird behaviour... understand if that's not your style though!
Sending you lots of love, hang in there!

I've started chatting to someone in tinder, but this is a bit of new territory for me as he's a single dad!
I've chose previously to not swipe on dads because of my own trauma with my ex (children's dad), but I thought I'd give it a go as I'd probably have a lot more in common with them maybe 🤷🏼‍♀️
Still feel unsure though.. and he lives about an hour away so I very much doubt it will go anywhere!
Do you guys just outright ask how much he they see their kids or is it abit forward at this stage?

I'm specifically looking for a man with DC so he understands my commitments to mine. I always ask about SC arrangements in the initial messaging. I wouldn't go on a date with someone who was a Dad without clarifying.

I generally start with something along the lines of "How many children do you have, and how old are they? Once I've received the answer to that, I will usually say something like "What are the contact arrangements for your children?"

The answers to that sort of open-ended question will tell you A LOT about the man you are speaking to.