Dating Thread 248 - Spring is on it's way and so are outdoor dates

[SortingItOut]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your faulT.
7. Know your wortH.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

Is it just me or are other people seeing the same people on the apps.

I swear I've seen the same people on bumble that I've come across several times before marked as 'New here.'

Clearly deleting the apps the making new accounts again and again

Jumping back to the thread after 2 weeks absent... So many posts to catch up!

It's hot and cold between Mr Modern and me. He was passionate when we last met, but seems a bit distant since. At least the dates are still fun. We have so many things in common that I won't mind hanging out with him as friends if we don't end up together.

@Crushed23 sorry to hear about Mr FwB ! I think you made a good decision to pause the app given so many other things you have on your plate !

If you're comfortable with using your Bumble pics then just use them. Some people like to use more risqué or revealing photos, and some people (like me) don't include their face at all. It's personal choice ☺️

It definitely doesn't matter. Just mention that you're looking for FwB/casual and that you aren't interested in anything super kinky. there are loads of people seeking similar x

I have a date at 12.30 today with a guy from Facebook dating. He has been really keen and sending me loads of messages and it's putting me off a bit. We've spoken twice on the phone and he's okay, but I'm just not feeling it. I don't know what's wrong with me - I complain when men ghost or block me and then a guy is keen and it turns me off! The date is at at local coffee shop (one I don't normally go to, just in case the date is a disaster 😂). I'll report back later.

I totally agree with this, it's a balance for sure, for me anyway in terms of not ruling people out too quickly which I do think is what can happen when you've been doing this for a while but it's also really important to listen to our gut feeling as this is so important. As @RosieAway says you absolutely come first. The whole needing someone v understanding bit in the profile is also a red flag I'd say as in I would assume they have some issues.

Date report incoming: the date actually went very well. He was better looking in the flesh than in his photos and we had loads in common. We chatted for ages and have agreed to see each other again. And I know it's superficial, but he automatically paid for the coffees and the food, which I think is a nice touch on a first date. I said that it would be my turn to pay next time. I am pleasantly surprised, especially as I nearly talked myself out of meeting him.

Encouraging!!!! 👏👏👏👏👏👏👏

@LilyRose88 great to hear!

@Mckittens agree the 'be gentle with me' does signal issues.

I have a first date tonight with Mr Local, the one who spent a weekend with a friend, apparently platonically, whilst chatting to me. Not bothered if it amounts to nothing since he's up for hikes in our area, which would be a bonus.

I cancelled my weekend tryst with Mr Young - just too far, logistically complicated and tbh I just felt ashamed about going to meet a man 20 years younger.

@RosieAway @Chocolatefreak

Aww thank you both for your advice ❤️
I didn't message him in the end. I think finding someone with tonnes in common was making me feel like I'd found a good match... but something felt off.... even just from messaging!

So back to swiping and being ignored 🙈

Hey everyone - I’ve been quiet but keeping an eye but feel I need a check in with people who get it! So - been seeing my iron since start of April, all gone very well so far, hasn’t messed me about and has been equal in terms of efforts. Then this week comes and I don’t know if I’m being paranoid given my past history or if this is normal after this sort of time.

He came over thurs this week but was very tired and slept most of the evening and night. Texts have slowed during the week for last couple of weeks to probably 4 a day, a morning and a goodnight with a couple in between after he is home from work. We aren’t seeing each other this weekend either and he has messaged a bit this morning but thats it.

I dont want to seem like a crazy person but is this what you would be ok with? After the heady first few weeks, it just seems a big change. We also both would forward plan our time together at the start but this has stopped. Is this standard male behaviour and should I now pull back and see??

@Bestlife18 ahhh it's nice to hear from you 😊
Have you had a conversation recently with him about where you're going/what you both want etc?
I think the slow in down in text is expected as texting all the time is not sustainable, what would make me nervous so do you didn't hear from him at all!

Hey @blacksocks33 good to hear from you too - yeah my friends have said the same. He seems to have some stresses going on atm and I just wonder whether I have spent so much time with my girl friends that I have unrealistic expectations! We haven’t had that convo as everything has been moving along nicely. Wwyd?? - like he hasn’t messaged now since lunchtime. Just leave it? I feel like I might have to lock my phone in the car! I don’t want to look like a bunny boiler chasing so think I have to just give him some space??

@Bestlife18 can only speak from my experience and don’t want to make you anxious, but a slowdown in energy has always led to something being up… talking to someone else, wondering if they actually do want a proper relationship etc. I have no advice on how to play it though!

Oh you sound so much like me 🙈
I think that you need to put your own mind and mental health first and think what is going to make you feel better... waiting for him to bring it up, or you bringing it up and clearing your head?
He may well be wondering the same thing. It's absolutely perfectly normal and expected to have that convo at this point, so don't feel like you're spoiling anything or being a bunny boiler by bringing it up!
You have nothing to loose, but you do have your own peace of mind to gain!

I follow this dating coach on insta and she has really changed the way I think about everything. She's amazing, she's called dating coach erika. I highly recommend following her 😊
She shares templates for ways to navigate conversations etc. she's great!

@Bestlife18 do you ever chat with him on the phone. Maybe ask for a call on Sunday as you haven’t managed to see each other. I dated someone I met online for 3ish months I was never brave enough to ask the question. I should have done! As maybe it would have saved hassle later on. I would ask face to face though. Nothing wrong with a catch up chat on the phone!

He cancelled on me today! Said he wasn’t feeling well. Said he’d hoped he’d feel better but didn’t. Gave me his number.

I do agree with quick meet-ups though too.

@RosieAway this is what is worrying me. I’m the same, really don’t know how to play this one. But it’s making me crazy for sure.

@Tillievanilly yeah we do occasionally. Can I ask, what was it you wanted clarity on that you wish you’d asked?

@Bestlife18 I would suggest giving him some space for now, and bringing this up gently the next time you meet, something along the line of "you seem very quiet recently, does something occupy your mind?" etc.

Something similar happened last year within me and Mr Antiques. I thought he was seeing someone else and confronted him about it. Turned out to be a misunderstanding, he was super stressed at work - the promotion he had been waiting for turned out to be a nightmare. Anyway, he was very upset with my confrontation and that was the end of our story. Looking back I was a cow (my mood was affected a lot due to egg freezing around that time, but he didn't know).

@Okigen great advice.

Are you absolutely sure Mr Antiques was telling you the truth? And not just turning it around on you? I’ve had that happen more than once

Thank you @Okigen - I agree. I need to lock my phone away somewhere as I just sent a breezy msg asking about his day but that will be the last now if I don’t get a reply.
that is my worry - I could be catastrophizing all sorts but I know he has had a really busy time and I think I would get the response you got if I said something too. Urgh why did I bother getting myself into this mess again. My life was fine single ffs!!!

@LilyRose88 yes I'm sure. He showed me his phone instantly and he didn't have any message or even the app anymore. Plus there had been hints beforehand around that issue, I just didn't pay much attention.

Sometimes I wonder if things would be different between if I had been more patient. But he is the type which usually bottles up his emotions while I will act it out, so we wouldn't be a good match anyway.

@RosieAway sorry meant to cc you!

@Bestlife18 the question I wish I’d asked would have been around official dating/coming off apps. Because that’s where he headed back to a few months later without mentioning it. Just seemed flaky. At the same time I didn’t want to ask too soon and didn’t want anything to official. Catch 22 I guess.