Dating Thread 248 - Spring is on it's way and so are outdoor dates

[SortingItOut]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your faulT.
7. Know your wortH.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

I’m a long time lurker and occasional poster on this thread. There seems to be a lot of people feeling disillusioned and worn out by OLD recently on here. I just wanted to share a story of hope. I’m early 40’s with a primary school child. My marriage ended when my husband had an affair. I’ve had my fair share of shit with OLD, ghosting, men that look nothing like their photos, lack lustre comms, men turning the conversation sexual before meeting etc… but I’ve been dating someone for a year now I met online. He is lovely. Great chat, great chemistry, he makes me laugh so much. He is kind, caring, consistent and respectful. Green flags all round. I’m not saying it to be smug, but they are out there! I know it’s tough, and you have to wade through 10 tons of shit to find them, but decent men do exist online. Take breaks when you need them, but don’t completely give up hope x

Mapleunicorn lovely to read this. thank you for sharing x

Adding to @Mapleunicorn story, I met someone online several years ago and thought we would just end up friends as he was recovering from a breakup and I was just dipping my toe in. We ended up dating but the timing wasn't right and we split. We have now reconnected years later but the timing feels great. I didnt go on tons of dates because I rarely felt engaged by anyone, plus I took 2 years out after yet another flakey/nice guy let me down! I'd recommend taking time out to focus on yourself if it feels shit, and also bear in mind life has a way of throwing curveballs both in good and bad ways, so keep your mind open for those who on paper may not be who you'd imagine you'd want for the long haul.

@Crushed23 @SamW98 excellent news with your dates! just in time for you I think before losing all faith in OLD. Hope they both turn out to be positive experiences.

As for my update- WELL! After feeling quite smug that I had a few options quite sorted - they have all come tumbling right down! First, Mr B has now moved to another country - it may be temporary but he's essentially so far away now I won't be able to meet him even though I am invited to visit and he's still very much open for phone chats etc. Second option Mr Local, went away for a weekend - with as it turned out, a friend of mine!! He did tell me about her immediately - but it was funny because she's been very superior about the apps, turns out they're not beneath her after all. Anyway, their trip was to a very romantic looking place, I told him to phone if he still wanted to meet after he got back. He hasn't been in touch so I guess the romantic location means their platonic trip changed status. She hasn't been in touch either, a bit sheepish I expect.

And lastly, the guy who I didn't even give a name to but with whom things developed quite quickly. He is ENM. I told him I am increasingly wondering if I am monogamous so essentially fine with ENM if all is transparent, everyone knows, safe sex is practised etc - BUT that my concern was that 'resource management' might be a problem. To cut a long story short, as it transpired last night, 'resource management' IS an issue, lol.

So, back to square one.

Loopylooni thank you, glad it worked out for you :)
how long were you dating this guy initially and how did it end? how did you re-connect years later?

@onlinedating we met as friends, hit it off, dated for about 8months. Broke up because he was going through some health stuff but I also suspect the fact that i had an abusive ex meant I was a bit of a walking red flag. He got in touch several years later after the health etc got sorted. Turns out he hadn't dated since me (though I had). Met up again as friends. again hit it off but this time 1000x better in that we are both in a better place mentally. It's certainly given us the foundation for something with legs. I never thought this would ever happen though I always remembered him as the one I cared for the most.

Hello also hope it’s ok to join!

Mid 40s and been trying OLd ( bumble) on and off for the last few months - just looking for casual, fun dates but even then god it’s kind of depressing! And takes so much time.

Then couple of weeks ago I matched with this guy and it was just instant chemistry - endless messaging and did meet up. All mainly initiated by him. Then this weekend he rings me to say he met up with his ex at a gathering of friends and they are thinking of trying again. Honestly feel more upset by this than I should - I have quite niche interests and just feel the chances of meeting anyone with them again is so low.

Plus he’s continued to message me when I know he’s out with the girlfriend ( and even at night). Just platonic kind of fun messages . I guess I have to block him. Gah feels like the chances of meeting someone normal and with whom there is a spark are zero!

Hi all, I’m a lurker on here and have posted a couple of times about a guy I’m newly dating. So we’re five dates in, (about a month), he’s a lot of fun, but I’m not sure how much real chemistry there is between us yet or what he’s really looking for - he says a relationship, but he has a very patchy relationship history. Unlike the last guy I dated who was all love-bomb like enthusiasm (which turned out to be empty words when he ended things at 3 months), this guy just messages once or twice a day, rarely pays compliments, just puts an x on the end of his messages. I’m so confused about what to expect, as while I’m wary of anyone who’s too keen, I also struggle to get excited about someone who doesn’t seem that excited to see me, it makes me cautious as much as someone love bombing me would. What on earth is the right balance?! Does anyone else face this and have tips on what a normal amount/ style of communication is this early on?

@Frenchticos could he have been love bombing you? I have been through similar with someone who was recently separated. He was promising the world then backtracked and said he wasn’t ready. It wasn’t long but it hurt! Take some time for you. I guess I learnt not to let newish singles into my life. It will get easier, sorry this happened.

Thanks @Tillievanilly for the reply. I don’t think he was recently single but yes I do wonder if he was love bombing me. Why do they do that - just so weird. I think I also feel a bit gutted as I’m a single parent to two kids and I guess the love bombing and chatting made me feel a bit like I used to, like the old me? It was only ever casual anyway so I’ve honestly no idea why I feel so upset! Maybe it’s because it seems so impossible to meet anyone with my interests.

its been helpful though and I’m definitely learning as I go along about all the tricks - would be really wary of someone being so full on next time! I should have found and read this thread earlier as would have been forwarned!

He is even messaging me now kind of about his new relationship and his worries - as if we are old friends ( which was defo not the tone of previous messaging)! So I defo think I need to block him ( just can’t quite bring myself to🙄).

How long would you give someone you've been talking to time to respond on the app before taking the hint they may not be interested?

newdater32 24 hours at the most for me. I used to just leave it but there's far to many on there who just want to message once a day 'What are you up to today?'.

If I had a really good chat with somebody & they suddenly stop answering them I may send one more message just 'Are you still wanting to chat?' then give it an hour or so & unmatch. I did receive a response to a message like that once, instantly, & the man that I was chatting to had got the hump over something I said in my last message, so he was best unmatched anyway (he's tried to re-match me several more times!)

It depends. If they were chatty to begin with then a 1-2 day silence with no good reason (like where they’ve pre-warned they’re going away or something) would signal to me that they had lost interest, and I mentally move on.

However, some people are not big on endless messaging and take a few days to reply, so I don’t write them off after a long silence because I know they’re not the messaging type.

Matched with someone whose profile is promising, but he fancies himself as some sort of comedian. He’s 36. Just converse normally FFS. 🤦‍♀️

No more than 24 hours. Anyone who has any interest is never too busy to drop a quick text. If they can’t manage to say hello in 2 hours then they’re not bothered do not will I be.

Got a lunch date with Ms Yorkshire this Friday. Asked her what time she needed to be be home for and was expecting around 3.30 as she has 10 y/o DD.

She replied "by 11/12" which potentially means a 10 hour date!

My lovely guy whom I’m due to meet soon has been pretty faultless. We laugh so much and seem to have a great connection and similar values etc. Other than the constant updates to his OLD profile!? The latest being adding his phone number incase people want to call him direct, WTF? It seems so at odds with everything else. And like he’s desperately trying to find others apart from me.

Not sure what to do. It’s massively putting me off

Well the guy I met Saturday has asked for a second date and we’ve been messaging over the weekend.

I will meet up again however over next few weeks we’ve both got pre planned stuff that means we’re not available. I’m going on holiday for a week and the day after I come back, he’s on a 50th birthday weekend with his family. So it’s late June before we can get something sorted.

I do have a couple of reservations if I’m honest but I’ll use a second date to weigh up how I feel.

@RosieAway adding his number? very strange. Have you googled the number?

I already have his number as we are on WhatsApp… honestly is weird, isn’t it? If this one is a wrong un, I absolutely do give up. No joke

I mean google it to see if it brings up anything else online but yes it is very strange.

Thanks. It’s his actual number and nothing comes up with a search. It’s just weird.

I feel like getting someone here to text him as a honeytrap. Yeah, I know, haven’t even met so there’s nothing to “trap”. Just seems really really desperate and makes me rethink everything.

@RosieAway adding his number to his profile?! I think go ahead with meeting him and see how it goes. Updating his profile is annoying, but hopefully he’ll stop doing that if you two click IRL.
How old is he? I’ve never seen a profile with a number on it.

Things have gone quiet with Mr FWB. I assume someone else has piqued his interest (someone who would go home with him on the first date perhaps 😅). Then again he’s not big on messaging, so he may still ask me out on a second date… who knows!

@Crushed23 he’s late 40s. And SO seemingly normal, straightforward, honest and lovely. I just am doubting you can trust 99.9 per cent of men you find OLD.

Also wondering if it’s karma as in turn I’m messing around with my ex…

I meant to say to you earlier actually, with a FwB, would it not be usual to do it on the first night if you both fancied each other 😂? I know from friends they do… I have sort of been in a similar situation (unwittingly at first) and met him the day after the first date and ended up, well, you know!

Hope he comes back 🤞

I am thinking I have played this all wrong and may have missed out on the chance of a FWB I really really fancy!

Basically, I had plans the next morning (I was being picked up early to go to a friend’s house) that I couldn’t cancel. We parted ways saying we would see each other again and I think we both meant that the next time would be going all the way etc. But maybe I have underestimated his disappointment at my not going home with him on the first date.

You can tell I have no experience of this 😂

edit to add: I also didn’t want the date to be a ONS and for us to forget about each other, because I thought there was a bit of a connection. Though that could have just been my imagination, of course. 🙃