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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Dating Thread 248 - Spring is on it's way and so are outdoor dates

1000 replies

SortingItOut · 28/04/2024 16:58

The Rules:

  1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
  2. Develop a thick skin.
  3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
  4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
  5. Trust your gut instinct.
  6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your faulT.
  7. Know your wortH.
  8. If it's not fun, stop.
  9. Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

OP posts:
Thread gallery
9
Mckittens · 19/05/2024 08:59

@librauk that's great, really hope it goes well today, you'll have to up date us later!

NervesOfCotton · 19/05/2024 09:44

blacksocks33 indeed, we just keep going on & on & on... Groundhog Day comes to mindGrin

I just matched with one who sent a lovely long message back to me, asked questions, spoke about his day, my profile etc. Really good first message. I answered him similarly, asked some questions back & told him that my kids are home in an hour so I'm sat in the garden eating ice creamGrin

He replied with a thumbs up.

So I've just put a smiley face. FFS. It's like he was only capable of one decent message & now he's out of ideas.

NervesOfCotton · 19/05/2024 09:45

librauk I hope you have a lovely time today!

onlinedating · 19/05/2024 11:34

Guys who say 'no expectations or pressure' - is this what I think it means?

NervesOfCotton · 19/05/2024 11:46

onlinedating in my experience it usually means the opposite. Expectations to sleep with them fairly quickly. Could just be my bad experiences though!

SamW98 · 19/05/2024 11:51

onlinedating · 19/05/2024 11:34

Guys who say 'no expectations or pressure' - is this what I think it means?

They want sex and they’ll ghost you

onlinedating · 19/05/2024 12:00

Think 'dating apps' need to change name to 'sex apps'. Let's be honest, few men are looking for a relationship now.

Tamigotxh · 19/05/2024 12:11

I heard it was much better pre pandemic and wished I’d used it then, but then again I’ve got friends who’ve been using it since 2012 and still haven’t found anyone more than a guy they dated for a year :/

earlier this year I matched with a guy one night around 10pm. He lived an hour from me. He suggested we meet up and I assumed he met later on then he clarified and said he meant that night.

It was obvious what he was after and I wanted to say how disgusting he was but I just unmatched.

There is no way he wasn’t thinking of sex. By the time we got ready and met up it would be say midnight earliest … And most things are closing by then so he wouldn’t even be taking me for a proper date. Just sex.

I don’t know why men can look at a profile of someone who says they want a relationship /life partner and think after 20 minutes of text chatting they’ll be up for sex,. It’s such gross and entitled behaviour. Zero effort, charm or wit but they want sex.

Surely there are women stating they are looking for FWB on their profiles they can contact? I really don’t get their logic.

But I guess part of the “fun” for men like that is trying to break women down and make them bend to their will, instead of just finding someone who is up for casual sex!

onlinedating · 19/05/2024 12:17

It's absolutely disgusting Tamigotxh I'm sorry. The dating apps are full of these men. I guess the apps offer free sex, before I guess they'd all be paying for it.

Psychoticbreak · 19/05/2024 12:18

This is not filling me with hope. I am dicing with dipping my toe back in although emotionally I am not ready but I need to get over the ex at some point I guess. One day I think yes today I will open an account and the next its like oh no I cant deal with this headfucking stuff. I dont know what to do. I think maybe I just need to flirt or something.

onlinedating · 19/05/2024 12:24

In the past two months or so, I have been ghosted by one guy, accused of lying by another, and the last guy tried to get me back to his place, after I said no, he said he definitely fancied me, but didn't feel the extra spark was there.

And I am pretty careful about who I date. These are all professional types and seemed very pleasant and polite.

I am absolutely sickened.

LuckyLinda3 · 19/05/2024 12:27

@onlinedating and @Psychoticbreak I am keeping up with the thread after the demise of a 3+ year relationship and it fills me with dread thinking of going back to this.
No wonder people sometimes stick with what they have.

onlinedating · 19/05/2024 12:29

LuckyLinda3 I left an abusive partner around 20 months ago and it's been pretty awful dating. I try to stay positive and optimistic, but lately it's been tough. Still it's better to be single than with the wrong person!

I don't mean to be negative, and I am usually not, but my latest experiences have been pretty tough to deal with.

SamW98 · 19/05/2024 12:38

I was out yesterday with a group of girl friends some single, some married.

Almost all of the single ladies are sick of flaky men and can barely be bothered to date anymore. Too much effort for so little reward is the general consensus.

The married ladies all said they anything reopened to their husbands, they wouldn’t bother meeting anyone else.

Only two of the singles seem that interested in meeting someone. One has been single nearly 5 years been on a few dates but says there’s not been anyone she’s connected with - similar to my experience. The other been single since November and been on about 50/60 dates. She said in early days she had sex after a couple of dates with a few men and every single one of them ghosted her afterwards so now she’s going slower.

Maybe it’s our age - all 50+ but these are confident social outgoing independent women who are all having same view that men our age are just not bringing much to the table.

onlinedating · 19/05/2024 12:43

SamW98 I'm younger and it's the same shit sadly.

NervesOfCotton · 19/05/2024 13:17

Tamigotxh It was the same pre covid for me. I've spoken on here before about the absolutely horrendous abuse I used to get from many different men for my size (I'm a 14 so definitely not small but also not Elephant size like they made out!)

The only reason that stopped is because I hardly speak to anybody now as I'm soooo wary. This was all on the free dating site where anybody could message anybody, & it's not happened on Bumble so far, but again that's probably because I barely speak to anybody!

On both, it's men after sex after having 'Serious relationship' listed on their profile. Ghosting, sex chat on message one, blocking on the day of our date (that all happened pre-covid too)

Sorry for the negativityGrin

I'm 42 matching with 39-50 currently.

Crushed23 · 19/05/2024 17:01

onlinedating · 19/05/2024 12:43

SamW98 I'm younger and it's the same shit sadly.

Yup. The 30something pool is a shit show.

Psychoticbreak · 19/05/2024 17:09

Does not give much hope for me at just 5 so. Might buy a cat.

LuckyLinda3 · 19/05/2024 17:44

onlinedating · 19/05/2024 12:29

LuckyLinda3 I left an abusive partner around 20 months ago and it's been pretty awful dating. I try to stay positive and optimistic, but lately it's been tough. Still it's better to be single than with the wrong person!

I don't mean to be negative, and I am usually not, but my latest experiences have been pretty tough to deal with.

@onlinedating well done to you, I understand completely and you're right to stay positive.

RadiantRainbow · 19/05/2024 18:00

I've been catching up and just don't want to add to depressing stories! But basically matched with someone who was less single than he made out and had my heart slightly broken(at least we didn't sleep together!), took weeks off to nurse my heartbreak.

Then the other day the only other guy I seemed to connect with a little bit tells me he's been single for 2 years. And then turned out he visits his kids a flight/ferry away every week, and there he is in the same family house(downstairs) and the kids haven't been told they are separated 🙄I do believe him that this is the way things stand, he seems to be very gentle to the point of being meek, but his bio states he is looking for a relationship or life partner, how can you conduct a relationship when this is your situation?!

I haven't said no to him yet since I got the full picture(we haven't met yet and I will be away so no chance to meet for two weeks) and it might not come to anything/might not be chemistry in person so there is no point explaining to him yet that you don't call yourself single for two years if your own children think you are one full family (children are teenagers and older though, surely have worked it all out?)
Anyway, he is my best bet for now in terms of only the second guy who is actually interesting, but obviously I am a little cynical/ambivalent going forward...

One guy seemed a little promising, very local, went on a date, he is a recent-ish widower, but it was obvious he wanted companionship and affection but was still very sad and lost in his head, there was no spark at all...

It's a bit difficult keeping positive and digging through Bumble feels like digging through piles of old clothes in a charity shop/thrift store hoping to find a vintage haute couture item 😂however, I keep reminding myself that 1) I am on there, so other adequate interesting people might be on there too 2) If I walked into an average pub in the evening and each bloke there could be wearing their "app bio" there is very little chance I would have walked out of there paired up either, to find your match is literally a numbers game and you just have to be pragmatic and put in the time.

Though being late 40s I do seem to be mostly screened off from men my age and seem to mostly get matched with boys in their 30s who obviously don't mind...even tempted to create one of those profiles which give wrong/younger age and then give the correct age in the bio to override the algorithm, but then think if it's not meant to be it's not meant to be, and if someone thinks all women in their mid to late 40s are "too old" and hides them, then I probably don't want them as a match anyway...

Tamigotxh · 19/05/2024 18:11

onlinedating · 19/05/2024 12:17

It's absolutely disgusting Tamigotxh I'm sorry. The dating apps are full of these men. I guess the apps offer free sex, before I guess they'd all be paying for it.

Yes this! It makes you feel like they’re just trying to use you as an unpaid sex worker for want of a better description 😬

RadiantRainbow · 19/05/2024 18:11

Sorry and I have to rant somewhere, what is it with men who have nothing to say about themselves apart from the fact that they have their own teeth and hair??!!!! Is it your only life achievement??! Which you have nothing to do with anyway, at least not when it comes to hair 😖
Immediate swipe left from me, even if they look ok

onlinedating · 19/05/2024 18:17

I don't get the dishonesty. Why lie about wanting a relationship when all you want is a shag? Don't they feel any shame having sex and ghosting?

Psychoticbreak · 19/05/2024 18:20

gaslighting I assume. I so so want to be in a relationship and prtend they want a future and then they get a shag and POOF gone.

I might still be too bitter to bother actually.

Tamigotxh · 19/05/2024 18:24

@NervesOfCotton Oh my gosh that’s awful! Sorry to hear that. I was size 14 when I started OLD now size 12 (but short)- not had any abuse for it yet. Although one man I was talking to did describe me as “plus sized” a week or so into our chat. He wasn’t deliberately being rude and I don’t see it as an insult, but I felt it’s a bit of an exaggeration. I’m more what they call “mid-sized” in fashion if anything.

The hatred for women who aren’t slim seems to have grown in recent years or maybe I'm just noticing it more since I’m no longer a size 8.

In a way I’m glad to hear it was the same BS pre-covid, so I don’t kick myself about not joining earlier 😂

On both, it's men after sex after having 'Serious relationship' listed on their profile. Ghosting, sex chat on message one, blocking on the day of our date (that all happened pre-covid too)

Ugh it’s all so disgusting and deceptive! Plus we all know at least half are married or in a relationship already. I unmatched with two men recently using fake names. Not middle names or nicknames but apparently it was completely made up names for Hinge . They were clearly trying to hide from their partners friends spotting them!

Sorry for the negativity

No not at all. As someone relatively new to OLD interesting to hear the realities and to know we’ve all come across these creeps 😆

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