Dating Thread 248 - Spring is on it's way and so are outdoor dates

[SortingItOut]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your faulT.
7. Know your wortH.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

Sorry I meant to say the one I had thought was a positive date last week but who the communication was then not great with as in radio silence. Has just messaged again, as if we are pals.

I find it all very confusing.

I just try to pick a letter randomly and assign it to them lol But if I ever met someone who stands out (as if it says in the thread title Mr. Scottish) I would state it

@Mckittens Just curious what is his message like? Someone told me that if you're feeling confused by someone's behaviour, pay attention to theit actions more than their words

Hi ladies can I join?
I’m mid 50’s, just on Bumble. Pickings not great though. Only swiped on about 4 or 5, one match.
Meeting him tomorrow

Bettycat81 I do it that way too! I call them Mr whatever in RL too. My mum always says that one day I will go on a date with one & call him Mr whatever instead of his actual name

Savoretti Good luck for tomorrow! What's the date?

Mckittens That does sound confusing. Have you answered him?

I've had a couple of men stop talking to me when I've not given out my phone number as a first message...probably confirms that we were right not to do so!

I've also had a couple who completely understood that I wasn't yet comfortable to do so, and carried on chatting in the app. One I had a date with, and one just petered out (not to do with numbers, as I did exchange contact details at some point).

If an online man does something that makes me feel uncomfortable, and doesn't respond positively when I draw a boundary, it's an instant unmatch for me as I don't think it bodes well for the future.

Doesn't work for me either lol

I've seen a fair few profiles for men who actually stated their full mobile number as their headline so a woman could in theory ring them without having even matched; do any women actually do this?!?

@cassiatwenty, it's just a nice, friendly message, as if we were pals.

@NervesOfCotton I haven't replied yet but think I will but will match the energy. My daughter suggested just sending just an emoji back 😆

In the meantime I've been chatting to several others, one of whom may have potential so that's good.

@Savoretti good luck on your date!

Mckittens Just send a thumbs up

Starseeking It's such a male thing to do as well, isn't it, I mean (somebody I'm sure will correct me if I'm wrong) but you never hear of women handing out their phone numbers on a first message or having it on their profile. I know you can block but it's just safety isn't it!

The very first man who I ever had a long chat with on OLD, lived nearby & on his second message sent me one of those pin drop things with his address & I was just WTF!

I’ve seen that as well and thought wtf? I’ve never in my life seen a random strangers phone number and thought ‘I know let’s give this bloke a call’

It comes back to the low effort/expecting women to make all the running

A man sent me his number in his opening message and asked me to message him on WhatsApp. I said no thanks because I didn’t want to share my number if we hadn’t spoken. He got really nasty.

He said something to the effect of “I wasn’t asking for your number, you are so clever for your own good that you end up looking stupid…no wonder you’re online searching for men with such a bad attitude etc ” it was quite a long rant can’t remember what else he said 😂 the irony was he was also online looking for someone and yet he was mocking me for it.

If I’d been bothered to get into a back and forth with him I’d also have pointed out if we spoke on WhatsApp as he requested, my number would be revealed so yeah effectively he was asking for my number!

I think the men who do this in most cases are going to be low effort, toxic and not serious about dating. Again I suspect they’re into collecting numbers for ego and control rather than being intentional about setting up dates and getting to know women.

I just replied with something like “wow what a pleasant character you are 😂 “as I knew it would wind him up and blocked him as soon as I could see he read it.

It was actually one of the most aggressive encounters I’ve ever had on OLD. The guy was clearly very angry and unhinged and it did unsettle me slightly.

I had another man send his number and list the times it would suit him for me to call like “tonight won’t work but call me this Friday”
😂 I was new to OLD and politely declined but as someone who has used it for over a year now if a man sent me that kind of message I’d unmatch immediately without even responding.

If an online man does something that makes me feel uncomfortable, and doesn't respond positively when I draw a boundary, it's an instant unmatch for me as I don't think it bodes well for the future.

Absolutely @Starseeking In fact when dating is when both people usually try their best to impress another person, if this period is already too rocky, I don't think it bodes well for the future.

I agree with that too @Starseeking I see the first few months as the honeymoon period so if they’re disrespecting boundaries or making me uneasy in some way before I’ve even met them or after only a few dates I drop them immediately as it’s only going to get worse .

With the exception of the matches I go onto meet, I tend to unmatch everyone within 24 hours for either showing a lack of interest or more obvious red flags. I’m quite generous with who I give a chance too but I make my decision quite quickly.

Has anyone suspected men of using AI for responses btw? Is that a thing? The last guy I I matched with would take quite a while between responses and then some replies I found quite long & garbled and slightly robotic - like they didn’t fully fit in with what I’d asked.

I think we all live and learn from OLD. I used to be polite to every loser who messaged me at the start and give them a chance now I just think ‘eff off’ and unmatch. Ain’t got time for low effort wasters

https://news.sky.com/story/amp/bumble-apologises-for-adverts-appearing-to-mock-celibacy-13136239

Wow Bumble really misjudged this badly. Apparently there’s a new CEO and that’s where the changes come from but to me this seems to be sending the message is women should stop being fussy and get our knickers off for the random losers after a quick shag.

Very tone deaf campaign that’s quite rightly been pulled

Tone death and the app doesn't understand women's experiences of the apps. For me, the apps have become sex apps for men.

This is a really good point. I think they started as an equivalent to ‘marriage bureaux/ dateline/Guarfian Soulmates type thing but have morphed into a place where some men just see opportunities for sex

Having quite a funny time on OLD. Encountered someone on Bumble who is dating a friend of mine. Both friend and man insist it's platonic - this I can believe since friend seems usually quite dismissive of men in general. However, they're going away together for a few days! He phoned me and we laughed about the coincidence of it all. I told him the ball's in his court now - he can phone me when he comes back if it's still platonic. He lives very near me - he can be Mr Local.

I have a date tomorrow with a guy from Feeld. Not sure how I feel about him. He's a bit overconfident. And maybe a bit old - he's started talking about Cialis already....

Meanwhile I had to cancel seeing Mr B on Wednesday as I had other plans. He's been away for another couple of weeks. I like him but see him so rarely. It will never develop further I feel.

@VanillaSox I wish GuardianSoulmates still existed!

Me too. I have a few friends who met and married their DH after meeting on Guardian Soulmates between 2012-2016. All of them said they met good men there, even the ones they didn't end up marrying! 🤣🤣🤣

So have to say I’m open to just casual meeting etc and do think women go on there just for sex too.

But have to say I have been surprised at some of the suggestions that have been made to me straight off the bat. It’s all pretty new to me but I’ve already had to master the “no thanks I don’t want to be your sub” and “thanks for the invite to that orgy but I’m busy on that day” responses 😳
I suppose in one way at least they are being upfront and honest, and no judgement at all from me, just not what I’m looking for.

My profile does say “fun & casual dates” so maybe that’s not what I thought it meant … ahem 😂

That being said I have also had some nice chats.

Bumble and Tinder didn't seem vastly different but now even less so with the new changes. I'm sorry for all the people having such aggressive and nasty experiences. I haven't had that but it's still full of married men over here.

@Bettedaviseyes111 I had the word 'fun' on my profile initially - soon realised it's code for casual sex. I really feel the profile can be an excellent filter - I have experimented with different phrasing and outfits and it's definitely signalled to men looking for specific things.

Ah I see! I thought that’s what “intimacy no commitment” was for .

Funnily enough I’ve noticed the people that are straight out asking for sex have theirs set as “long term relationship”. 😂

I’ve had two find me on Facebook as well… which is disturbing. Anyone else had that?

Well I've definitely been friend zoned by the positive date last week, I left it a day and then replied with one v short sentence and two emojis and got a friendly message back a few hours later referring to me as Mate 😆

I do think he is a nice guy but clearly nothing is going to develop. I think he is probably still in love with his ex or at least not ready for anything else.
Not sure I need any more pals. It wasn't what I set out to achieve but maybe it wouldn't be a bad thing.

Meanwhile chatting to someone who knits, complemented him on his hat and scarf combo, which led to some good chat and he seems to be suggesting a call tonight. Not sure how I feel about that but going to go with the flow for now as the messaging back and forwards has been really easy & for once - reciprocal!

@Savoretti how did the date go?

I used to love reading Guardian soul mates, I absolutely would love the equivalent of that. Sadly I do think particularly if you are older some of the men on the sites just assume you are desperate.