Dating Thread 248 - Spring is on it's way and so are outdoor dates

[SortingItOut]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your faulT.
7. Know your wortH.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

Thank you @SamW98. You are correct and yes I ignored the red bunting at my own cost.
Thankfully I'm in a good place and feeling secure so I'm going to focus on myself and getting my daughter through her exams and then enjoying the rest of the summer.
I'm in no rush to move on but I'm intending on keeping up the social aspect of my life now.
Thanks to all for the support, it means a lot.

@LuckyLinda3 I'm sorry he hasn't prioritised spending time with you,I think we all saw this coming but hoped he would actually step up.
Have you actually ended it?
Because last time he gave you the silent treatment when called out on his behaviour he eventually came back and all was forgiven and then the cycle has continued.

I agree with @SamW98, there have been lots of red flags but sometimes we cant see them or we hope they'll change so we give more chances.

I can see so much of my ex in your boyfriend, interestingly it as as we approached 3 years that it all went wrong as well and that was linked to me changing jobs and us having less time together. (He encouraged me to apply)
He was so rigid in his schedule and wouldn't change for anyone, I know some of this time was with his son but he wouldn't allow us to mix so there were no options to spend a Saturday together.
He would also occasionally see friends on the nights we saw each other but instead of telling me this in advance, he would tell me that day leaving me little time to plan something else.
I hear he is exactly the same in his new relationship and I bet he never changes,his communication skills arevery lacking and he's emotionally unavailable.

But the relationship also taught me many valuable lessons so was not time wasted.

I'm early 40's, and I agree with this.

I find stinginess with money usually translates into a lack of generosity in all parts of their life. My EXDP was like that, and I'm not prepared to tolerate it again.

Yes totally agree, that's what I meant but on two separate dates when I've said let's go halves they've said no they wanted to pay and when I've said no really, no need I'd rather go halves they've made some comment about being old fashioned and wanted to pay for all of whatever we had. So not cheapskate dates but still not hitting the mark as the Il old fashioned comment and not just hearing me and letting me pay my way made me uncomfortable to some extent.

Based on recent communication with what I thought was my positive
Date I don't think it's going anywhere 😞

And I've now paused my one remaining profile because when I was scrolling yesterday I came across my ex. Bizarre thing was I didn't initially recognise him and found myself thinking oh someone new, and that's a nice cat he has... and then it dawned on me who it was and that it was my cat that he had refused to give back to me! Got such a shock that I'd not recognised him. I blocked and deleted but it gave me a shock so I then paused my own profile.

I did say to myself I would have a proper break and focus on myself so guess that's what I should do.

@LuckyLinda3 I agree with @SamW98, at best it doesn't sound like he is prioritising you at all. I have a daughter who is doing exams just now too so I can relate to that, maybe just best to focus on getting them through and also enjoying the sunshine! Thinking maybe I just need to focus on me and being healthy physically and mentally and then re join the dating apps in a month or so but then I find myself gravitating back to them!

So very true @SortingItOut. Yes because of the many good things about us I kept hoping for a different response. That said I dont regret our time together at all. I found myself again after separating from my exh, had the most amazing physical relationship (which I'm a bit worried I won't find again) and am in a very good place overall right now. He made me feel so safe and comfortable and was very kind to me and my children and extended family too.
But that's not enough...I dont want to have to wonder about getting time together. As @SamW98 said, I do believe also that with his work situation the onus is more on him to set out the available times and he didn't.
Thank you @Mckittens, yes I'll be more present for my daughter for the next few weeks and I want to get back into some exercise as I've put on a few pounds and have a few family events coming up over summer and a few concerts too.
I've been planning on colouring my hair so I'll use that as motivation to lose the weight and treat myself then.
Thanks ladies x

I came on here a couple threads ago and then disappeared, well I've been to two speed dating events and they've been disasters!

The first (due to a storm) saw a single-figure turnout and they had to close the event 2 hours early! The second was a lock and key event, a much bigger turnout but seemed a bit awkward for introductions.

Seems like people can't be arsed to dress up for these events, but for others there it didn't seem off-putting to them.

Looks like I'll be forced into OLD, which I was hoping to avoid.

New to the thread. Hi. Feeling a bit demoralised after a recent dating experience in which I probably broke a rule or two!

I am 43, ive been single for nearly two years, OLD for 18 months with not much success.

Met on Bumble, He was very open and honest, separated but not divorced, just returned to work after a break due to mental health, but keen to get back to dating with the purpose of finding a long term relationship. He's a Vicar (Mr Vicar), I'm not religious but not an issue for either of us. Lots of good conversation, he did try to get saucy but respected it when I said I didn't like to get to hot and heavy before meeting and becoming physically involved. We had a lovely date where the conversation continued to flow but, it ended earlier than i would have liked, as he had some Vicar business to tend to... I put this down to being Vicar life. He apologised and tgat evening text to say he'd enjoyed the date and would love to meet again.

In the days after the conversation became very dry, he had some crazy time with his kids and he said that he realised he was in no place for a long term. All fine, thanked him for letting me know blah blah.

Few days later he appears on Tinder "still figuring it out", I swiped left. Still fine. A few more days later.... I get a notification "Mr. Vicar likes you" and he's looking for a long term relationship. Here's where I went wrong. I matched, laughing emoji "what's changed in a week?" He unmatched so I went to our whatsapp conversation and called him out....

Even a Vicar can be a doofus and treat women this way! What's going on? 🙄

Was this vicar in his mid 50s with a central london parish?

@bettycat81 The red flag was that he’s still married. A vicar of all people should have the decency and presence of mind to formally end the marriage vows he said in front of the God he believes in, before starting another relationship!

You shouldn’t have to tell a man - vicar or not - not to be so forward before a date, the fact you did is very telling. It sounds to me as if he wanted something quick and casual and when he realised he wasn’t getting that from you he lost interest.

And if he’s been recently struggling with his mental health and evidently hasn’t even been able to sort out divorce paperwork you’d think he would be focusing on that and his kids (who are likely still adjusting to separated parents) not on dating apps.

Do you know why he split up with his wife? Wouldn’t be surprised if it’s infidelity unfortunately. He sounds all over the place.

@Tamigotxh oh I know! There were red flags everywhere....but I, stupidly, just kept thinking " But he's a Vicar!" 🤣 plus I haven't had an abundance of matches and have my share of war wounds....oh gosh....as I write I realise that it took me 8 years to be in a position to date again.

He didn't go into many details about his marriage breakdown other than the marriage became abusive (alluding to her being the abuser).

I think with regards to sexually charged conversation that I recognise people do use the apps for different reasons, and people will have different preferencesc etc and its ok to test the boundaries as long as when they're put up they're respected. Maybe I make to many allowances?

@bingo74 no. Mid 40's commuter town.

Do you have a tale to tell?

There wasn’t anything as ‘frivolous’ with the man I met. A vicar too. More troubled by his divorce and place in his work.

I think with regards to sexually charged conversation that I recognise people do use the apps for different reasons, and people will have different preferencesc etc and its ok to test the boundaries as long as when they're put up they're respected. Maybe I make to many allowances?

Yeah this is true to an extent @bettycat81 but in your case he claimed he was looking for a long term relationship, so to start making sexual comments before you even meet for the first time is a bit of a turn off / red flag IMO but people do have different views on that I guess.

And yeah I bets he uses the fact he’s a vicar to lower women’s defences 😆 you won’t be the first or last to be reeled in I’m sure!

@bettycat81 hi 👋🏻 OLD can absolutely be demoralising …. but you never know what’s around the corner!!

Would be interesting to know if he really is a vicar -maybe you should do turn up in the congregation one day 😁
A colleague of mine had an adulterous relationship with a vicar -she was one of many and he had lots of dodgy stuff going on. The church moved him from a London church to a village on the south coast.

Reading this made me think of Fleabag's Sexy Priest and The Guardian article calling him an exploitative muppet. Can't imagine a Vicar dirty sexting tho

That just made me laugh then. I used to love the hot vicar in fleabag!

I’ve noticed some men are very quick to want to switch to WhatsApp /moving the conversation out of the dating app. I haven’t had great experiences when they move off the app fast. The last time I gave a guy my number from the app too quickly, he ended up constantly texting me and then asking for pictures. Then he randomly called me and sulked when I told him to arrange a call in advance.

I think from now on I’ll just swap numbers after a first date or maybe just a couple of nights before a meet up so we can talk on the phone before the date. But definitely not without having a date planned.

Does anyone else limit giving their number out?

@Tamigotxh i don’t like to give my number to fast. If I’m unsure I’ll just say maybe soon let’s message here first. I think the ones in a hurry are for photo purposes but I just block and move on. If I’m planning on a date I do give my number as find it easier than checking the app.

I’ve gone from having no decent chats going on for a while to a few. They seem to be all or nothing. I have a date planned with Mr T we both seem to be attracted to each other from photos so I’m hoping! Plus he seems genuine…

@Tillievanilly Yeah I think the rush to get the number usually means a photo request is on the way! 😌 I have multiple pics on my profile, I refuse to send any more to someone I’ve not even met yet!

Totally makes sense to swap numbers once you’ve planned a date.

Good luck with Mr T, hope your date goes well - it sounds promising!

I’ve swapped numbers after a couple of days of early chatting and haven’t ever had any dodgy pictures sent. WhatsApp is easier than the dating apps for me though.

What's that saying "give someone and inch and they'll take a mile"? Sometimes I get the impression that some men are just testing your boundaries and seeing how far they can go.

I also feel annoyed just meeting someone and them already asking me to do things for them.

What I feel is more fair is if you already have something going on, they offer their number so if something happens you don't lose touch

@Tamigotxh I'm not keen on immediately giving out my mobile number, and refuse if it's literally the first thing someone says.

I will give my number quickly if I've been chatting back and forth with a man almost in an immediate conversation, because it's far easier to carry the conversation on. If I feel comfortable with the way the on app chat is going, then I'm usually fine to exchange numbers.

I’ve never had any weird pictures sent it’s more the issue of them asking for more pictures of me.

What's that saying "give someone and inch and they'll take a mile"? Sometimes I get the impression that some men are just testing your boundaries and seeing how far they can go.

Exactly. I think you’ve touched on the wider issue and why it triggers me somewhat @cassiatwenty it’s a total turn off and red flag for me when they give me the silent treatment for something like not immediately giving out my number. They’re showing me how they react to being told no.

And yeah I also agree it is annoying and entitled them asking me to do stuff, when they’ve not even made the effort to schedule a simple coffee date yet.

@Starseeking yeah I guess there’s more logic if you’re chatting back and forth and you feel comfortable.

So I replied to the latest guy who asked for my number and he’s gone quiet since I said if we get to the stage of going on a date we can exchange numbers. Kind of suggests he was planning to waste my time and never meet lol some of his chat was a bit odd anyway. I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt but I think I’ll unmatch now. He might not be a bad guy or whatever, but I doubt we’ll get along.

Honestly what’s the point of someone sending 👋

All that does is gives a crap first impression that they can’t even be arsed to use words and want you to make all the effort.

i reckon at least 75% of the messages I get are either 👋 or hi/hello - low effort time waster piss off 🤣🤣