Dating Thread 248 - Spring is on it's way and so are outdoor dates

[SortingItOut]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your faulT.
7. Know your wortH.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

I've had one walking date, we both took our dogs and his was impeccably behaved and he was the perfect dog owner and had remembered the ball, the thrower thing & the treats whilst I had been so anxious about my outfit and hair that I did well to remember the dog and his lead. Cue my dog barking his head off every time the other dog got its ball thrown for it. Which was constantly. He did have a spare ball so I asked to borrow that but my dog will only give the ball back if he gets a treat in return. And I'd forgotten the treats and he didn't like the other dogs treats- probably too healthy (perfect dog owner).

Plus it was blowing a gale and my hair was a total disaster. I've never been so glad to get back to my car. As soon as we were vaguely near the end point I ran off down the wrong street in the relief that it was over. Second half of the walk he spent ages telling me how disappointing OLD was for him. I just remember walking along beside him thinking I'm right here! But actually now I get it, it is really fucking disappointing most of the time. But I was new to the whole thing and very naive at that point.

Looking back if we had met somewhere else I maybe would have wanted to meet him again as he was a nice guy but the whole event was a shit show of a date.

Positive news of the week is that I had a date and I quite liked him! Not sure if it will go anywhere but it was good to meet someone who seemed genuine and interesting. He did mention that he had met someone else via OLD that he had become friends with and who he had been out with just the night before. I took it at face value at the time but now I'm wondering about that but i guess it's just the nature of the thing, in terms of meeting multiple people. Not that I am, been hard enough to get this far 😆

Go @Mckittens so pleased things have been good, fingers crossed and happy for you 😊

As for your other story, you described it pretty well and I could imagine every detail. I'm sorry you things were awkard that day, however, I'm glad things are looking up.

Oh yeah, it does seem a good space to be in, to actually have some free time for someone special as opposed to having too much free time and wanting someone to fill it up. @NervesOfCotton

What I dislike about OLD and Whatsapp in general is this general insecurity created by modern day apps. Will he/she reply to my message on OLD or Whatsapp? This whole romance/courting stage is supposed to be fun.

I'm knackered most of the time so I have to make time for men and dating. And I want to but sometimes things are just beyond my control :/

Had a very positive date at restaurant with Ms Yorkshire last night - first time I had seen her since we had a couple of dates in 2022. She was on antibiotics and has got exams coming up - either of which she could easily have used as reason not to see me.

Drove her home and agreed that I would give her space for duration of exams but would be back in touch as soon as they are over in a fortnight's time.

She is quite a cool customer so trying not to project too far ahead. Quite a big age gap - I am 54, she is 38 - which is a novel situation for me.

Hi all,
I’m new to this thread but following it has become my new addiction. So feeling now is the time to post.. I’ve just met a guy OLD, we’ve had three dates, and another one planned for next Friday.. but.. was a bit flummoxed tonight that he messaged at 19:05 asking if I’d join him at a show starting in 25mins time, as he had a spare ticket. I said no as I have other plans, (albeit antisocial ones!) but a bit stumped (a) why he didn’t invite me sooner and (b) why he didn’t explain the short notice. Has he been stood up by someone else? I don’t dare ask him 😝, and he’s every right to date other people at this stage, but should I suspect that’s what it is, or is my suspicious mind on overdrive?

@Crushed23 Now that I think about it, you may be right to worry about the stinginess. I remember some low effort dates that I had and they all reflected the man's character. Definitely do not go if you already feel something isn't right!

@Mckittens to be honest I think you dodged the bullet there. Before my current date, I saw another one who spent 20 mins talking about how horrible it was for him on hinge. To be fair, his experience was horrible, but that also meant he had this air of negativity and clinginess around him that made me feel uncomfortable (I have quite a sunny personality). It only got worse after that and I truly regretted chatting with him a few days before calling it off!😅

@ForWildCoralUser I wouldn't read into it too much. He may have planned to go with a friend, but the friend cancelled (happened to Mr Modern who I'm dating). It may equally mean a girl cancelled on him, but again, you are just at the stage of getting to know each other so I wouldn't be too fussed about it. However, one thing I would care about is his language - was it polite and respectful? Or just a very casual, abrupt one liner? (I used to receive something like that from an acquaintance who I hadn't seen for 2 years!) I would write him off if it's the latter as I hate bad manners.

@ForWildCoralUser I'd say someone stood him up, why else would anyone invite last minute otherwise? I know people say here don't play games but I wouldn't go anywhere on a Friday night on that short notice, even if I had no plans.

You did the right thing. I had this once with a guy calling me at 9.30 pm to go to a pub. No flipping way 🙄

@TobyEsterhase that sounds like a nice evening and good idea to give her some space until her exams end.

@ForWildCoralUser I would definitely think he had been stood up but equally I would think how much does that matter, as in it could have been a pal he was going with. Or it could have been someone else who he is dating alongside you. But now that's essentially over if he then asked you. Maybe just ask him about it, communication is key and all that.

@Okigen you are probably right. He was a psychotherapist so I do remember thinking at the time surely you must have more self awareness than this! No apparently not.

@Crushed23 I am very clear that I will pay half and half on dates, actually I'd be happy just to pay for the first drinks if we just stay for one. Anything after the first drink I would assume would be split or there would be an
Acknowledgement that they would pay and I would then pay for the next meal/drink. I have to say it's been me that has come with that view, most of the men I've been on dates with have been more than happy to pay for everything and when I've said let's go halves they've said I'm old fashioned, which in itself has worried me!

Thanks @Okigen - it was a friendly polite message, so I’ll wait and see how he messages next . And yes - agree @User990 and @AnnieSF it would be a mistake to have joined him, and a shame as I would have said yes if he’d given more notice!

Meant to add, I am a completely different generation so it's different but there is something about the stinginess comment that someone else made that's really relevant. And is important to listen to I would think. But it's also about finding someone who is like you, or can compliment you.

@Mckittens Interesting! I would think of the reverse i.e. going Dutch is quite modern and the man paying for everything else is old fashioned! I'm going Dutch as well (although I do expect him to pay for coffee, otherwise I'd be really worry about his financial status 😂). I think it actually makes it more difficult to date me - in my 20s I would have been dazzled by a swanky restaurant, but now I just want someone to enjoy life with, and I've found it's a much higher bar!

Maybe because I’m older but I’m not going to tolerate cheapskate low effort dates. There’s no shortage of nice enough pubs/bars/cafe-bar type places that don’t break the bank and at my advanced age sitting somewhere comfortable with a nice atmosphere is really important.

I’ll always let them buy the first drink and then I’ll get the second. Some do try and argue but I insist on it. So most times the first date is only costing us both around £12 each so if that’s too much for a man then he’s not for me. Not because i think he should pay for me - quite the contrary. But iIm very social and any partner I have would also need to be someone who enjoys and wants to socialise regularly.

I wouldn’t like a walk as a first date either but I especially think it’s a bit off to ask someone you’ve never met to go for a dog walk, unless they of course have dogs to walk too.

I suppose some people may like it but I’d just think of it as he has dogs he has to walk and is slotting me into that, rather than making time to focus and get to know me. His attention would be split between me and the dogs while I’d just be focused on him.

It’s a bit different if both people have dogs to bring along to the walk.

Another vote here for walking dates as a first date option but that may be influenced by the fact I live near so many beautiful beaches/places. I like the fact you dander along and chat away but then I am very nervous about sitting opposite someone I dont know, so thats just me!
Trying to catch up on the thread as I can't belive that after a 3+ year relationship I think I'll be back on the apps at some stage over the summer.
I'm sad but proud of myself too because I've grown so much since my exh left me and learned from last relationship too so I don't have the same fears I had before.

Oh as much as I love walking, I hate walking dates - how can any chemistry develop??

I must admit he did seem a bit obsessed with his dogs and it did smack of him having to walk the dogs any at so I might as well tag along.

Though the day before we were supposed to meet he sent me a selfie with his naked arse reflected in the mirror behind him and told me I’d get to see it for real tomorrow - errr no thanks mate .

So no date actually happened 🤣

LuckyLinda Yes, me too, I've had some lovely walking dates.

cassiatwenty I hear you. I don't know how I'd actually manage evening dates, having to stay up, & not in my PJ's, past 9pm!
I'm typing this whilst laying in bed.

@SamW98 yeah he’d probably have barely paid you any attention while he was walking the dogs!

the arse in the selfie …ew!😆 do these men actually think those kind of “jokes” before a first date are attractive or endearing ? It’s incredible how many men ruin their own chance of even making it to a first date. All in all definitely a wise decision not to meet him lol

Agree with this. The man paying is seen as old fashioned.

I expect the man to pay for coffee on a first date and would be put off if he didn’t.

My date with Mr Indecisive was okay today. He did finally pick a pub (beer garden) after I reiterated that the walking route will be too busy even to meet at a spot along. We had two drinks, then he had a third but I was drinking on an empty stomach so quit while I was ahead! He then walked me most of the way to where I had dinner plans, which was nice.

The conversation flowed well and we spent 3 hours together, but we’re very different from one another in a way I can’t quite put my finger on. I wouldn’t mind meeting again as friends, but the last time I suggested that to a Hinge date the man was positively offended. Might need to let this one fizzle out, sadly.

Oh no.@LuckyLinda3 have you actually split from your boyfriend or still contemplating it?

I recall that a few weeks ago your boyfriend had changed his role at work which now involved some weekend working and you wondered how he would manage his life and seeing you. How is this going?

Hi @SortingItOut. Yes that's 100%. Unfortunately his new work pattern isn't working well for us as a couple. He has prioritised socialising and seeing friends for the past 2 weeks and I've only seem him for lunch once in that time.
We talked and I was direct about how I felt but I sensed we were on different pages...I felt he wasnt prioritising us and he felt as we had no concrete plans it was acceptable for him to continue on and do his own thing.
I know he is hurt and angry and I am too but he has chosen to just go silent on me since I checked in on him on weds evening after our lunch and I haven't heard from him since. I may be being petty but I dont think I'll reach out again.

@LuckyLinda3

Can I be honest? Every time you’ve posted about this guy I’ve seen red flags that he puts his wants before your relationship and never saw you as a priority.

His comment about doing his own thing because you didn’t have firm plans is a cop out. He is the one with limited free time so imo HE should be the one making sure there’s plans in place.

You've done the right thing imo. You’re not being petty at all - he is by not having a grown uo conversation.

Its shit though even when you know it’s the right thing so sending a big hug