I’m a British female going abroad with fiance and will marry him Islamically- anything I need to consider?

[Greyrabbit24]

My fiance and I are in our 20s. We are planning a visit abroad to his home country, which is Arab. We’ll be spending a day in his family’s home before travelling around the country on our own.

My fiance is not religious but his family is. We will be having a nikah, the Islamic wedding, it will be a small family thing where the imam comes to the home to give a short ceremony.

My fiance is not religious at all and this is more of a thing done to please his family.

We will be arriving late at their home so they’ve said it’s ok if we sleep together for this night as it’s one night before the nikah. I’m also aware that I’ll have to be very covered and my fiance suggested I cover my hair during the ceremony.

Just wondered if anyone had any experience with this? I’m expecting it to be a small easy thing- is there anything else worth considering? I want to be respectful to them but at the same time I don’t want to lose myself trying to please them. Thanks all!

Quite honestly OP England has some of the most liberal marriage and divorce laws in the world for women. Why would you choose something else? It may not be binding in the U.K. but it will be binding somewhere.

She will already be married, and her relations - legal, financial, child residence etc etc - with her husband will be governed by Sharia law as interpreted in the state where she got married.
She surely can't have a UK-style marriage governed by UK legal rules as well??

Not necessarily if they live in UK. It could be, and I think it would, under local law. Like we married in UK but if I move with DH elsewhere we and our assets there would be governed by local laws (unless state permits different). Lots of people end up with troubles with not making wills and then have bad surprises because local law is different....

Dont do it, there has been too many stories about how the male changes once they are married. Think of what that may look like in years to come.

😅 honey, if you don’t want to “loose yourself” trying to please them, then let share with you that you are off on a bad start.

OP, he may say he is not religious and genuinely mean it but I've seen so many young Islamic men change. This is especially true once they have children. They almost always revert to Islam and he and his family will expect you live as a Muslim woman and raise the children accordingly.

I know you think I'm talking rubbish because your fiance is fun and couldn't be more westernised at the moment but trust me, it is a big issue. I don't care if this doesn't sound very PC but it is all too true. Just think very carefully about what you're doing.

Has anyone actually answered the op's question? I went to a nikah in Jordan last year at their home and the bride didn't cover her hair. A few older generation family members did. But I'm sure it varies family to family, class, area and denomination so I would trust your partner's advice on this one as he'll get the full context. Also regardless of whether the marriage is legal or not you would need to get it officially translated to get recognised here which can work out more hassle and take longer than just having a UK marriage too so meh

@WantToMakeWorldSilkySmooth Sorry - did not express myself clearly. You are right that if a couple are legally married by Sharia law overseas then that marriage will have the same protections in UK law as a UK civil marriage BUT only while the couple is living in the UK. I was trying to point out that if OP and her husband ever lived in his home country or a another Sharia law country, then the rules governing their marriage might be very different.

The OP really needs to consult specialist solicitors, such as this firm https://cartwrightking.co.uk/articles/family/islamic-marriage-recognised-in-the-uk/ - I just Googled them at random, there will be many others.

You want to ask yourself some basic questions about this ceremony. What changes does it bring regarding:-

• your financial situation, do you lose control of my assets, your money?
• your bodily autonomy, for example, is marital rape recognised in this country?
• your self determination, will you have to stay there if your husband says so? will you be able to work there if you want? what else might you be forced to do on your husband's say so?
• what change does this ceremony bring regarding my rights to determine what's in the best interests of my future children?

Have you checked if it is illegal in the country concerned for you to sleep together before you are married? If it is, why are your partner's family encouraging it?

And most of all, ask yourself, what's in it for me? I think you'll find the answer is nothing, you're sleep walking into a situation which will make you vulnerable all because you want to be nice - and that's why you should not do this. And your partner should not pressure you to do it if he loves you.

Pound to a penny the Arab marriage will exclude any other jurisdictions. It would be a question as to what law applied. Trust me English law is a lot nicer to women than most other places

I think you will find you threw out the ignorant word first. This part of your comment 'Don't be put off by the Daily Mail readers' is ignorant.
You assume to know the political views of people who have legitimate concerns about a young woman going to a foreign country to get 'married' in order to appease in laws. You should try some self reflection.

I have lived and worked in Qatar, Bahrain and the UAE, and have seen many Western women go into a Muslim marriage without understanding what that entails. I will list some of the issues you should consider, and how you can provide yourself with some degree of protection incase of marriage trouble in future (I know, not something you may want to consider, but believe me, you must!).

1. Co-wives. Your husband will be entitled to marry 3 other women. If this is unacceptable to you, then you can write into the marriage contract (for example) that any other marriage by him immediately results in divorce from you.
2. Custody of Children. Upon divorce the children only stay with the mother for a limited number of years, then the father gets full custody and the mother has NO automatically guaranteed visitation rights. You can write into the marriage contract that you want shared custody, and that if you and your spouse are living (say) one in the UK, the other in Father's home country, then sharing will be schooling in UK, holidays in father's country.
3. Religion of children. Do you agree for your children to be raised as Muslim? Do you agree for your sons to be circumcised at 7 days old? Is there a risk of FGM for your daughters? (be aware that ALL majority-Muslim countries practice FGM, even Malaysia and Indonesia, not just Arab countries.) Do you want your daughters to be raised as observant Muslims? There will be lots of pressure on this point. One friend of mine, a Scottish woman married to an Emirati, is torn up by the life her daughter has to lead in the UAE, her life dictated first by her father and now by the man she was forced to marry when still a teenager.
4. Women's rights. In many Middle Eastern countries, women must get the permission of their male guardian (father, husband or eldest son) for various things. My husband had to give written permission fo me to get a driving license, to work, to get my passport renewed, to book plane tickets for me and kids to go on holiday, to get contraceptives, etc. If there is a likelihood that at some point you will live in your husband's home country, make sure the marriage contract says he will not refuse permission for any of these.

I could go on, but hopefully you will now have a clearer picture of some of the key pitfalls you will need to avoid.

Why are you so keen to do what his parents want?

So so many issues with this already. If you were my daughter I'd be extremely worried.

I suspect this is a wind up.
OP has done a hit and run

Hi OP. Some of the posts here appear to be on the racist/Islamophobic side. I doubt that someone undertaking a Christian wedding abroad to please their in-laws would have got anywhere near the same response. I wish you well. As you note (quite early on), you will be getting married back in the UK here so I think this kinds of covers it. I would expect your DP to talk you through exactly what is going to happen. I am Hindu rather than Muslim but be expecting a number of ceremonies, quite an emphasis on dressing (even more so than in the UK) and the wedding to be a great social occasion. There is no such thing as a small Asian wedding. In many cases people will turn up without an invite when they hear someone is getting married.

I don't know if someone has brought this up as I have quickly glanced through the replies.
If you are getting married in an Islamic country and the nikah would be legally recognised in that country then it almost certainly will be recognised in the UK. That would mean you will not be having a civil wedding in the UK (England and Wales at least) later in the year.
Nikahs that take place in the UK are not legally recognised unless the necessary legal preliminaries are undertaken.
This is really important OP - particularly if you think you are just doing it to please his family and it will have no standing in this country.
That is not likely to be the case.

Just gone back and checked and others have pointed this out - ignore my message, it repeats what others have said.

There really is not a lot of Islamophobia on MN.

If this woman is atheist then it doesn’t matter quite as much as if she were say Christian.

If I know quite a few liberal Muslims who’d advise against this marriage then it’s not because they don’t want a non Muslim marrying a Muslim, it’s because they know exactly what can go wrong and the pitfalls involved.

But yes, by all means tar anyone who’s not Muslim and who wants to warn someone about the possible pitfalls of this marriage and you get the racist comments immediately.

The @Simonjt poster, as far as I know from MN he’s gay as well as Muslim and being gay is haram in Muslim culture so he’s already disobeying the rules of his religion if he practices homosexuality. So there seems to be a bit of hypocrisy here.

Another post I’ve posted on about the Michaela School. Most Muslims were adamant that non Muslims posting about this school and the pupil and mother were adamant that we were all racist towards Muslims and Muslim students praying when in fact we were and are more concerned about an adult parent and her child committimg violence, inciting racial hatred, conspiring to criticise other Muslim students and violence/assault against black teachers.

But yes, sure, say we’re racist instead as that looks better on paper.

@Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain 🎯

I see Islamophobia is alive and well!

"We will be arriving late at their home so they’ve said it’s ok if we sleep together for this night as it’s one night before the nikah. I’m also aware that I’ll have to be very covered and my fiance suggested I cover my hair during the ceremony."

I am afraid that I am one of those distrustful people that doesn't believe a word anyone tells me. But here goes. I think the suggestion that you can sleep together is a ruse to get you there and might even be used against you as a future insult ("slut"?).

I think you should contact the British Embassy in the said country and ask THEIR advice. They might not respond, of course.

While it is not really my business, if your fiance is not religious.... then have a civil (UK legal) ceremony first. Then invite his family to the UK for a nice religious ceremony (maybe not tell them about the civil ceremony?).

You are going abroad to have a ceremony without meeting his family beforehand? What are you going to do if they ask to be given your passport on the night of your arrival? They may say they need to "register" you. Will you hand it over?

Ultimately, I would say it is none of their business, but that is me and I am sure you are much nicer than I am and much less bitter about inlaws. You do know that "mother in law" is an anagram of "Hitler woman"?

I would t be doing anything to please family members. He isn't even religious so that's just a lie anyway

Are you Joking! There is no islamaphobia on MN?! What an outrageous comment.

i don’t think non Muslims get to dictate what constitutes islamaphobia

I would also check that "sleeping with a man before the marriage ceremony" is not a crime in this country! Are you really sure? So many women fought for the rights which women today enjoy in this country. Use them. In any case, why does the BRIDE have to conform? If my DS took up with a woman from another country and was told that she was an anarchist and did not believe in getting married because it "oppresses women" (quick example), even if I was religious, I would just roll my eyes and suck it up. Why cannot they do the same? Why is it always others who get to choose how YOU live your life?

@Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain yeah it was very ironic