I (F/31) found out I'm pregnant he (M/32) has me blocked and has no social media. What is the best way to contact him now? (through his family, a friend of mine maybe option)

[TropicalGal94]

Just over two months ago I was talking to a guy and we exchanged a lot of calls, video calls, and eventually, I agreed to meet up with him whilst I was in his city for work (I'm UK-based and he is USA-based). During that time I had an IUD in which failed as turns out it was not in the right place (now has been removed completely).

During this time the guy I went on the date with and had been speaking to had made a few comments in the past about a girl he knocked up in another state who then 'dealt with the situation' but of which he called her 'the asshole'. He has also been undergoing serious neurological treatments and treatment for potential MS so I felt guilty calling him out on his behaviour. We went to hang out the next day but he was just off with me so I chose to leave early and he ended up reaching out saying he 'needed some alone time' for his health, and blocked me before I could respond. Prior to hooking up we both discussed STI status and my birth control too.

Anyway, I started to get pregnancy symptoms not long after and now have a letter from my doctor confirming an antenatal appointment (NHS), and also three positive pregnancy tests.

He has blocked me on both whatsapp and i-message and does not have social media. I am wondering what to do because I plan on keeping the child (as was told previously due to some surgeries I had a low chance of ever conceiving and am also fortunate enough to have a good support system and the means to raise a child, homeowner etc) and have no interest in having a relationship with him, but considering he has done this before, and because I need to know more about his health issues to make sure they aren't hereditary, I need to talk to him. I have already spoken to a lawyer too about child support and such. My best friend knows about this entire situation and has offered to message him off her phone too and also I've located his mum on social media which he was always saying he was 'close to'. What is the best way to maybe reach him?

It's pretty standard to give a little description of yourself. Otherwise a post becomes a dry series of pertinent facts. Bit dry.

I think you've leapt somewhere. He doesn't know she's pregnant yet.

You’ve known the poor bloke a coupe of months, he thought there was decent contraception in place and all of a sudden you’re pregnant. Of course he’s going to think you’ve done this on purpose and why shouldn’t he? If you had an IUD fitted and told him that, then this man had a reasonable expectation that good contraception was in place.

I think you need to leave the poor bloke alone . He clearly doesn’t want this and doesn’t sound healthy enough for it either.

The risk of MS passing down is low as someone else said. He also doesn't have an obligation to tell you about health conditions. I'd leave all that to the side. If you're keeping the baby anyway then - if there's illness, you'll just deal with it at the time.

Don't send the letters etc. 3 letters that confirm a pregnancy pre 12 weeks sounds.. odd? Why not just a pregnancy test?

Using your pals phone or a burner just call him, explain the situation. But before you do all that, ask yourself why you're doing it and what you want. Are you offering him a part in the child's life if he wants it? Seeking maintenance but don't want his involvement?

I conceived my DC in similar circumstances- failed pill in my case and a one night stand with someone I'd known on and off. Obviously I told him, he was very clear on his stance (abortion) and I was on mine (no thank you). I kept DD and he has never had any involvement.
However, I keep on sporadic contact with him. I actually speak to his DB every few months, which keeps things open. I don't govern a flying fuck if we ever see him again, but at some point DD will ant to know and if I have a line of communication and know how to contact him at least I can say I did my very best for her.
Oddly enough we are civil - I think he's a dick, but he's a dick on the other side of the country! 😂

This is unethical. People have the right to know they have a child. We don't know what he will or won't want once there is a child involved. The OP is right about wanting health history. A family history of severe mental health, ND, genetic issues is very important and it is worth trying to get as much knowledge as possible.

Oh and he was happy enough to provide medical background. Plus his DB is actually a decent chap who has put together their side of the family tree so DD has some sense of things.

Because when you have been told the chances of having a baby are slim and you find yourself pregnant ? Surely this isn't hard to understand. An unexpected, unplanned but welcome accident.

You're projecting.

He doesn't sound a great prospect, take care.

What do you want to achieve from this OP? Nothing you write about him makes him sound like someone you want to have in your life for the next 18 years. You have jumped on the child support but there are huge disadvantages to putting him on the birth certificate. Do you really want someone you barely know to have that power over you and your child?

Just message him off your friends phone saying “hi it’s x from a friends phone as my message didn’t seem to come through. Wanted to let you know that I’m pregnant, it’s been confirmed by my doctor. Due to the low chances of this ever happening for me because of x,y I am keeping the baby. Not expecting you to be involved however for the child’s sake I wanted some medical history for future proofing. If you want to contact me my numbers are xx”

From all the men out there, why this asshole? Maybe it’s not MS, maybe it’s a drug addiction making him behave appallingly, or something else, or just his personality. You’re 30 and got pregnant super-easy on a flying visit.

She can contact him from every other phone there is apart from her own, I really don't think involving a 30 something's mum is the way to go

Setting in context I guess.

Because when you have been told the chances of having a baby are slim and you find yourself pregnant ? Surely this isn't hard to understand. An unexpected, unplanned but welcome accident.

A lot of accidental pregnancy threads have the medical issue caveat, possibly true, or possibly to avoid people suggesting termination due to less than ideal circumstances

However, I'm not sure the medical risk is the most pressing issue

(As in fathers health)

Isn't this the start of Catastrophe?

“its very clear from your date that he was a nasty prick but you shagged him anyway (why?)

and now you want to give your child an absent, nasty prick for a father…willingly?” - navypeer

This! Why do women shag assholes so soon in a relationship? So - you’re not going to know if a man’s an asshole upfront, as most are going to put on a façade of their bestest sweetest behaviour to attract a woman into their sheets. Cynical moi? Yeah, both life experience of my own 😩 and reading MN r’ship posts over time. Happy with DH now and not too scathed bar a couple of pregnancy scares and a few heartbreaks (still disconsolating), but if I had to relive my 20s/30s dating years, I’d live by two metrics - pretend the whole concept of contraception didn’t exist until several months into a LTR (preferably engagement/marriage), and not shagging anyone who I didn’t see as being a decent, responsible dad for my kids. Sex is intrinsically consequential to women in a way that it isn’t for men, and social customs like marriage (or even just putting a few month between dating and shagging) are beneficial guardrails and asshole filters for women.

Congratulations on your pregnancy, that must be so exciting if you thought you couldn't have children.

Reading through your posts, I can't make sense of your logic for wanting to contact him now. This is a man who has already shown you he doesn't want a child, and will treat a woman who's pregnant by him, badly. He isn't going to care that he wasn't involved in your pregnancy from the get-go, save that he'll be annoyed he didn't have the chance to pressure you to terminate it while you still can.

You also talk about risks of neurological conditions, which is valid given his MS investigations, but you are already pregnant with his baby and it doesn't sound as though you'd be terminating if there was a likelihood of a hereditary disorder. So if you're having the baby regardless, you have all the time in the world to find him and ask about his medical situation (which he doesn't have to share details of, anyway). Your baby is already growing and will have whatever he or she has as his/her genetic make up. That can't be changed now.

It is a sad fact that many pregnancies do end in miscarriage in the first 12 weeks. Many women go to the 12 week scan thinking all is well, only to be told their baby stopped growing weeks before. Rather than focusing on the stressful issue of contacting this man now, why not focus on yourself, your plans for the baby, and getting through to your 12 week scan? Then once you know all is well and the pregnancy is going to continue, you can think again about how to contact him.

But you played him too- and got what you wanted.
Both as bad as each other in that regard.
You knew he was an arse , doesn’t want children with women he doesn’t know well- yet still both had unprotected sex.

A child likely never going to know it’s father- Not fair on the child.

Get a burber phone, set up Whatsapp and email specific to this issue. If he proves to be a dick - you'll be glad of separate communication you can switch on and off as necessary.

Whatsapp him saying very simply contraception failed, you're pregnant and keeping the baby. He can contact you on this number or by the email. At that stage there is no need for details, photos or long explanations - if he responds then you can expand.

Don't involve a friend on your side or his family. Be prepared to do this alone emotionally, physically and financially. Honestly the money spent on lawyers chasing an overseas absent father with no intention of being involved is better spent directly on your child. As a lawyer in training I'd have thought you'd know that.

Burber - burner

If he's being investigated for ms it takes a while as they are ruling out potential causes.

I'll be honest, it can be hereditary, it's horrible but it also has different forms. I'm not sure I'd knowingly have a child with a person with ms because I have a friend that are severely disabled by it and a second affected and going downhill.

Prenatal genetic screening is pretty standard. You don’t need to contact him about his health issues.

I would not contact him at all he is the one who is the Arsehole and I'd steer well clear of him.
You can do a test once your baby is born 23 and me that tells you of health issues ect. You will just open a big can of worms for yourself if you contact him.
The bloke is a loser telling you a girl sorted the situation, he obviously has no moral compass and will expect you to do the same.
Also you are a different person you'd want to know because that is personally I don't think he will be interested he has made it clear he didn't want the last child.
100% he's an arsehole and has blocked you because he's had what he wants, he probably does it all the time
If you were my daughter I'd beg you not to contact him.