I (F/31) found out I'm pregnant he (M/32) has me blocked and has no social media. What is the best way to contact him now? (through his family, a friend of mine maybe option)

[TropicalGal94]

Just over two months ago I was talking to a guy and we exchanged a lot of calls, video calls, and eventually, I agreed to meet up with him whilst I was in his city for work (I'm UK-based and he is USA-based). During that time I had an IUD in which failed as turns out it was not in the right place (now has been removed completely).

During this time the guy I went on the date with and had been speaking to had made a few comments in the past about a girl he knocked up in another state who then 'dealt with the situation' but of which he called her 'the asshole'. He has also been undergoing serious neurological treatments and treatment for potential MS so I felt guilty calling him out on his behaviour. We went to hang out the next day but he was just off with me so I chose to leave early and he ended up reaching out saying he 'needed some alone time' for his health, and blocked me before I could respond. Prior to hooking up we both discussed STI status and my birth control too.

Anyway, I started to get pregnancy symptoms not long after and now have a letter from my doctor confirming an antenatal appointment (NHS), and also three positive pregnancy tests.

He has blocked me on both whatsapp and i-message and does not have social media. I am wondering what to do because I plan on keeping the child (as was told previously due to some surgeries I had a low chance of ever conceiving and am also fortunate enough to have a good support system and the means to raise a child, homeowner etc) and have no interest in having a relationship with him, but considering he has done this before, and because I need to know more about his health issues to make sure they aren't hereditary, I need to talk to him. I have already spoken to a lawyer too about child support and such. My best friend knows about this entire situation and has offered to message him off her phone too and also I've located his mum on social media which he was always saying he was 'close to'. What is the best way to maybe reach him?

OP is original poster, mumsnet abbreviation.

Good luck and congratulations.

So on the condom remark. I had an IUD in, we both got STD tests and showed we had clear results, and I have an allergy to some forms of latex so that comment sadly doesn't work. Maybe 'mad' was not the right word for me to use. I guess at this point I'm just gonna send the message and then be ready to raise this child alone.

Thanks all for your comments - glad to hear so many different opinions. Have made up my mind and I felt I could first ask here because of a few reasons:

1 - My own mum died suddenly when I was younger so no mother to really talk to about this.

2- To see if anyone else had this kind of experience, both from the contact perspective and that of the health issues.

Thing is you've decided you aren't terminating whatever so would it really help to know if there was a hereditary risk now?

its a huge rollercoaster im 33 weeks at the moment, at the beginning its very scary and fear the unknown I even fear the unknown now!
I totally get what you mean when you say wanting to know the baby is ok and wont be sick etc
I think the only true way to know is the scans and screening that is done in the first trimester etc and even after
mention your situation when you have the booking appointment it think I had mine about 11 weeks pregnant?
they do blood tests and you can mention anything your worrying about and they can do as much as they can to check im sure!

I think the health issues is a red herring - if he has MS then the risk of your child developing it iin their lifetime is a few percent - double the average risk. It has no bearing on your pregnancy.

The friend and the pregnancy test photos seem unecessarily dramatic. Get a burner phone and medsage him yourself so that you will see any replies directly and are in complete control. I think the salient info would be that you are unexpectedly pregnant die to contraceptive failure but are pleased to have the opportunity to have a child, and are happy foe him to have a role in the child's life, for the child's benefit, if he wishes.

Am I the only one confused as to why you need to know his medical history to ensure conditions aren’t passed down? It doesn’t work like that. Sure you want to know to be prepared, or are you saying you won’t continue with the pregnancy if something comes to light?

It is more so that I want to be prepared. I've said it a few times but I've been told this is one of my only chances to have a child, and also at a time I feel ready in my life to be a single parent if need be.

As I said I am SO new to all of this pregnancy stuff and with my own mother having passed away I can't figure out what to do about stuff like that. But, by all means if you have any info on what I can do to find out regardless of contact with him that would be great.

You seem to be taking quite lightly the risk of neurological conditions. I have a friend with MS who has decided not to have any children because she doesn't want to inflict the condition on them, having experienced it first hand herself.

It's obviously a personal decision but you got pregnant easily. You are only 31. Raising a child with a loving involved partner is bloody hard. I don't understand why you are so intent on going ahead with this pregnancy.

he sounds like a class a arsehole who has previous with getting women pregnant and being very unpleasant about it.

I wouldn't believe a word he said about anything, including the health things he mentioned previously.

That seems such a pity when there is a 98.5% chance of your friend's potential children NOT having it

I’d send him a WhatsApp voice note yourself from a friends phone so it’s direct from you.

explain the situation and that it wasn’t a “set up” and ask him to contact you via x or y.

re heriditary health - you can just google it
https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/multiple-sclerosis/causes/#:~:text=your%20genes%20%E2%80%93%20MS%20isn't,2%20to%203%20in%20100

There are non-latex condoms. He has nothing to be mad about.

Could you maybe prepare yourself for the possibility then?

Fair enough.

How would I contact him? Probably use a burner phone or call him by with holding my number. Also am assuming you don’t have an email address for him?

I’m sorry your mother passed away. Earlier you mention your parents are supportive - do you have family around to help
once the baby’s here? Sorry your posts are a bit all over the place.

How many weeks are you now? You cannot rely on information this man may or may not divulge in order to make a decision on whether to terminate the pregnancy or not.

its very clear from your date that he was a nasty prick but you shagged him anyway (why?)

and now you want to give your child an absent, nasty prick for a father…willingly?

I think you’re nuts to continue the pregnancy really.

who has actually told you this is one of your only chances to get pregnant?

Miscarriage risk is high in the first trimester. I know someone who miscarried just before her 12w scan. Hopefully that doesn't happen to you, but I think (like many other commenters) you should wait until after the 12w scan to tell him. He should've used a latex free condom if he didn't want a baby.

A what’s app voice note via a friends phone is a good idea. Don’t try to go via his family at this point. Don’t send the picture of the letter etc, start with the assumption that you’re honest so he has no reason to doubt you.

If contact with him is going to have no impact on whether you keep the baby, I would put contacting him on the back burner. I’m not saying don’t do it, just that I don’t think it’s what you need to put your efforts in to. Reach out so that you know you have, then focus on you and the baby.

In your planning, bear in mind that collecting international child support is very difficult if the paying parent isn’t cooperative.

On medical conditions - honestly I don’t think this is the be all and end all. Even hereditary conditions are rarely predictably hereditary. Your child could have his conditions, none of them, or something else entirely. Having children throws predictability and planning out of the window I’m afraid!

On the 12 week thing - you absolutely do not have to hide your pregnancy for 12 weeks! Drives me round the bend that people always suggest this. If you think that, in the instance you sadly were to miscarry, you would prefer never to have told him, then yes, wait. But don’t feel like you have to “protect” him from it.

Are you absolutely sure he's not married or in another relationship? Congratulations on your pregnancy

What if he wants (unlikely as that seems at the minute) to be in your child's life and fights for and gets parental access ...which I'm assuming if he is paying maintenance he may well be entitled to ..and wants the baby to spend some time with him in the US , how will you feel especially as it comes across that he isn't a nice man at all?

This is very true.

Sadly one of my earlier miscarriages (bicornulate uterus and pcos, there were many before I got very lucky with dd and ds) happened just after the 12 week scan.

It was my first one, so I naively went round telling everyone just after the 12 week scan. Two weeks later I had some bleeding, had another scan, and the heartbeat had stopped a few days after the first scan.

If there is no other way to contact him then his mum is possibly the only option