I (F/31) found out I'm pregnant he (M/32) has me blocked and has no social media. What is the best way to contact him now? (through his family, a friend of mine maybe option)

[TropicalGal94]

Just over two months ago I was talking to a guy and we exchanged a lot of calls, video calls, and eventually, I agreed to meet up with him whilst I was in his city for work (I'm UK-based and he is USA-based). During that time I had an IUD in which failed as turns out it was not in the right place (now has been removed completely).

During this time the guy I went on the date with and had been speaking to had made a few comments in the past about a girl he knocked up in another state who then 'dealt with the situation' but of which he called her 'the asshole'. He has also been undergoing serious neurological treatments and treatment for potential MS so I felt guilty calling him out on his behaviour. We went to hang out the next day but he was just off with me so I chose to leave early and he ended up reaching out saying he 'needed some alone time' for his health, and blocked me before I could respond. Prior to hooking up we both discussed STI status and my birth control too.

Anyway, I started to get pregnancy symptoms not long after and now have a letter from my doctor confirming an antenatal appointment (NHS), and also three positive pregnancy tests.

He has blocked me on both whatsapp and i-message and does not have social media. I am wondering what to do because I plan on keeping the child (as was told previously due to some surgeries I had a low chance of ever conceiving and am also fortunate enough to have a good support system and the means to raise a child, homeowner etc) and have no interest in having a relationship with him, but considering he has done this before, and because I need to know more about his health issues to make sure they aren't hereditary, I need to talk to him. I have already spoken to a lawyer too about child support and such. My best friend knows about this entire situation and has offered to message him off her phone too and also I've located his mum on social media which he was always saying he was 'close to'. What is the best way to maybe reach him?

Write a LETTER - remember them?
Presume you have some address you can write to this man? I.E. his home, his work, his mother c/o ?

it sounds unlikely from what you say that that he is going to be nice to you a lot this or want anything to do with a child
he may try and pressurise you to have an abortion and it sounds like you don't want that
is there anything he could say now that will make you want to terminate the pregnancy? Health issues for example?
would you like more detailed health info before you proceed and can you trust him to give it to you?
if not

wait a minimum of twelve weeks as everyone else says
no you don't need to send him proof of your pregnancy.
If he doesn't believe you then it's proof that he's a bit of a wanker - which is useful information when you start thinking about how much you may need him 9' your life
im in a single parent with no father involvement and I can categorically say that I am a zillion times better off than my single parent friends with the lame useless half arse dads who batter the mothers mentally and let down their kids continually.
if you are committed to having this child and raising it alone then I hope it Orla's out brilliantly for you.

Don't go through your friend unless you've tried more conventional means first

I agree and feel badly for the baby. Sounds like both mom and dad are unwell, and mom is using the pregnancy to try and control him /force contact. Do men get to force pregnancies on women ? How barbaric.

Absolutely true.
Looks too keen to be grabby with money - but most women in this situation - choosing to keep a baby without a marriage/ long term relationship with their partner would be self funding a child.

Of course he won’t be wanting to pay.

Collecting from another country is not going to be easy.

Would have been better to have used a bona fide sperm donor - at least genetic health testing would have been done.

Just message from friends phone and say hi its tropical just to let you know...

She doesn't need to talk on your behalf and he doesn't need to know who's phone it is. Chances are he will block the number anyway.

https://www.gov.uk/child-maintenance-if-one-parent-lives-abroad/other-partner-lives-abroad

Apparently MS is not inherited.

I don't get the showing each other STI results?? How on earth can that be reassuring as you can't possibly know that something hasn't been picked up since that test. Did the other woman he got pregnant have an allergy to latex too?

Don’t bother going through your friend. Just get a new pay as you go SIM card - they are literally £1 and then put some credit on there.

Then message him yourself and say that you have been trying to reach him, explain why, say you’re happy to go it alone but would appreciate some medical history.

I would however wait until after your 12 week mark. You can speak to the medical professionals to discuss what information you will need from him.

Also the less stress early on the better.

Concentrate on yourself and the health of your baby first. Dealing with him can come later.

I don’t think you need to worry about the time it takes to contact him. He broke contact by blocking you so it’s literally his own fault he hasn’t found out sooner.

My daughter’s dad moved to Spain when I was pregnant, I didn’t get to ask him any questions about his genetics or anything. It happens a lot.

I know you will have an urge to contact him as you are growing your baby, it’s a natural thing. But speaking from experience and judging by his past, it really won’t benefit you to contact him. He won’t care and this will only upset you.

I was told as my child’s father now lives in Spain (uk born) that I couldn’t chase him for Child Support as they can’t chase them abroad? But not sure if that’s true. So have never received any kind of money from him.

One thing to consider is that I am now actually grateful that he knew he would be a terrible father and didn’t stick around, as opposed to popping in and out of her life and traumatising her or making my life more difficult than it needs to be - I make all the decisions, I don’t need to ask anyone’s permission to take my daughter on holiday or move somewhere new etc.

good luck with your pregnancy, single motherhood is tough and not for the weak but very rewarding ☺️

Another way to approach it op re medical history is to wait until your 8 week booking appointment, where they will ask you a lot of questions about parents’ medical history. You can write down the questions and ask if you can ask him for that sake.

Gosh you have all angles covered don't you ?

Failed IUD (shows responsibility and just very very bad luck to get pregnant when it 'failed' ) when the failure rate is less than 1/100 over a year .

'Told you would be unlikely to conceive' following surgery (making it essential to continue this pregnancy) This is just not a line doctors use until you have been in a ttc relationship for a few years and had multiple fertility tests/

Despite being 'unable to conceive' you are using an IUD - neatly headed off in a subsequent post with the addition of endometriosis. To explain this.

You go to meet a man you have been talking with online and prior to having sex with him you both neatly produce sti tests ! (Shows responsibility for having sex without a condom)

He discloses poor behaviour about a former pregnancy. Paints him negatively. (but the hastily inserted latex allergy explains why he would have sex without a condom having been 'trapped' once already. ) If I were him I would have just bought some non latex ones . !

You are a lawyer with a supportive family filled with role model single parents. (Demonstrates responsible family and good financial support rather than going on benefits)

Your only reason for wanting to contact him is for 'health reasons' . He has a serious hereditary condition (of course he has)

So. The story we are to believe is that you are accidentally pregnant (despite less than 1% failure rate) through no fault of your own but it's a blessing because of the almost certain infertility due to surgery not to mention endo... to a man who won't speak to you but you need to contact due to his inherited disease.

Sorry don't buy it.

I think the only fact that's probably correct is 'F31' .
The real story is almost certainly as old as time. You have met a man and are at an age where you want a baby. You get pregnant and he isn't interested. Don't need to dress it up. If you want to keep the baby then do it . If not then terminate. Do not expect him to be remotely interested. His only obligation is financial. Get the claim in when baby arrives .

@ap1999 I think you make a very good point. If any of what pp says is accurate, you're not the first woman to get pregnant this way op. Honestly it doesn't need to be dressed up, and the advice you get will be more helpful if it's not.

Sadly yes pregnancy is forced on very many women who have no access to abortion or birth control

Sadly yes pregnancy is forced on very many women who have no access to abortion or birth control

@ap1999 I'm glad someone laid this out plainly.

That’s why I’ve reported it (whilst also engaging) but I thought it might have been an ai language model rather than a troll.

Anyway, no offence if you’re for real OP.

If he tells you he has MS then what will you do? Have a termination in case?

You’re saying you would like to know if you were him. But he has been in this situation and it doesn’t sound like he behaved well. He is also struggling health wise. Hurrying to tell him isn’t going to solve anything. A lot of people go for a scan and there isn’t a heartbeat unfortunately. I would wait. Then send him the scan photo from your friends phone. If he blocks, you have your answer. I don’t think you’re going to get answers or support from this man sadly.

Quote: I think the only fact that's probably correct is 'F31' .
“”The real story is almost certainly as old as time. You have met a man and are at an age where you want a baby. You get pregnant and he isn't interested. Don't need to dress it up. If you want to keep the baby then do it . If not then terminate. Do not expect him to be remotely interested. His only obligation is financial. Get the claim in when baby arrives .””

Nailed it. ⬆️⬆️⬆️

Full disclosure, I get AI storytelling vibes too so have reported but in case not, OP you can do genetic screening so don't strictly need a medical history from the father. Do this.

If you definitely want the baby (understandable if fertility issues) I would wait til 12 weeks. It's not bollocks or secrecy and I find I hard to believe a 30 something woman in a tricky predicament like this would not understand it's avoiding potential stress until knowing the pregnancy is most likely viable. Many women don't even know they are pregnant until at least this point.

Use a 'burner' phone and separate email account. You don't know how he will react and he sounds a bit of an oddball so don't drag your friend in. You will need to keep contact anyway.

I get the temptation of some posters just to see this as a sperm donation situation and not inform the father but It's not really fair on your child to erase their paternity entirely as it wasn't an anonymous sperm donor. You would be withholding a lot of information from them even from the short time you spent together. I would leave him off the birth certificate though.you don't want issues travelling etc

The M and F are pretty redundant but ages would be asked in the context of if fertility was closing in, there would be more support for keeping the baby than if the OP was younger.

Don't forget she spent the past three years preparing financially to be a single parent just in case

Through a solicitor. He has made it clear he wants no direct contact with you, and I personally don't think its fair to involve third parties. He sounds angry and unstable so I'd keep things as formal and business like as possible. Inform him of the situation and his responsibilities.

I wouldn't go straight in with a solicitor.

He doesn't sound dangerous, just not the nicest man in the world. It's not clear why you chose to sleep with him tbh knowing that, and all the shit about his ex, condom aversion and whatever but here you are.

Approach as a human being in the first instance. I would aim for civility, steeling yourself for comments about abortion etc.

Have an idea what you want. If it's just to inform him, fine. If it's maintaknence and he doesn't cooperate then be prepared to formalise any requests.

For one thing if you go in heavy handed with a solicitor for every interaction it could end up costing you a fortune. It's presumably quite a specialist thing, international family law.

He might respond reasonably and say 'ok, well, I can't offer much practical help, have my own health issues and don't want a relationship but am happy to offer XX a month and any medical info if you're insistent you want to keep it'.

Ultimately this man decided to have sex without a condom after a recent ‘accidental’ pregnancy, that for some reason he blamed her for, so unlike some others here, I think he’s just as responsible for this situation as you are. It’s not the ideal way to bring a child into the world, but if you’re sure you’re going ahead with the pregnancy, then it’s not worth agonising over now.

You have to be realistic though, he will not be involved with this child, he’s extremely unlikely to financially offer any support and I think the most likely outcome is, he will block you and you’ll never hear from him again. I’m not sure it’s worth contacting him, but morally, I probably would in your shoes as I would feel he has a right to know. That’s all I’d do though, just let him know. Your focus should be completely on the baby now, not trying to get him to engage with you about it.

What an insane risk to take with your sexual health.

Why didn't you protect yourself from getting pregnant.